Girl Friends

Author's Note: All characters over eighteen. Thanks for reading.

****

I watched Rayla dancing her heart out and flirting outrageously with at least a half dozen people. It was one of those kinds of parties, apparently. I didn't always know what her mood was going to be beforehand.

"Come dance with meee," she whined to me for about the third time that night.

I shook my head. "I'm good."

Rayla pouted and flopped onto the couch next to me. "You never dance with me."

"I never dance with anyone," I corrected.

"Well why not?"

I sipped my drink. "Some of us just appreciate getting quietly drunk like a civilized person."

"Pff, whatever. You can do that when you're old. You're young! Be crazy!"

"You're drunk."

"So? That's what we're here for."

I sighed. "If I dance with you, promise not to throw up on me?"

Rayla grinned maniacally. "Don't worry, I'm saving that for the walk home."

"How considerate."

I let Rayla drag me out to dance with her. I usually ended up caving sooner or later. I didn't care for the level of attention that she did, but admittedly I didn't mind it as long as I could focus on her. When she got close and flirty with me, it warmed me in a way booze could never hope to compete with.

It didn't mean anything though. I was just another girl for her to have fun with on the dance floor. Boys or girls were equal targets for her most of the time, though I'd yet to see Rayla actually develop feelings for any of them no matter how close and flirty she seemed to get.

I'd never told her that was why I put up a fight over dancing. Not because I was terribly shy, though I could be at times, but because I wanted to actually dance with her. Like for real. I wanted to hold her and feel her against me. I wanted that warmth she caused in me to envelop me all over until it was all I could feel.

Being best friends was good, I'd always love her that way, but I'd been forced to admit recently that there was a reason I never seriously looked at boys, and that reason was girls. Specifically one particular girl.

I was pretty sure Rayla knew that once she had me dancing, I was hers as long as she wanted me. I didn't think she understood why. I was probably just a safe option when she wanted to dance, but was tired of flirting with other people.

"You're too tense," she said.

"I'm not."

"You are. Just relax."

Rayla danced closer with me. If she thought that was going to get me to relax, she was entirely mistaken.

Still, tense or not, I was enjoying it. I loved the tease of her, the feel of her hands on me, our bodies brushing or bumping into each other. I loved the faint scent of her, her gleaming eyes, and that teasing smile on her lips.

She was just being Rayla, just doing what she did, and all I wanted to do was kiss her. The need was so bad it hurt.

But... friends. Just friends. Friends didn't make out on the dance floor.

Well actually that wasn't true. I'd seen it happen before. I wasn't drunk enough to try it, was probably the more accurate statement.

Once of these nights I'd make Rayla be the responsible one, see how she liked it. I'd get wasted and she'd have to look out for me. Maybe then I'd dare flirt back with her or... or more.

I was too much lost in my thoughts. Rayla must have sensed it, because she brought me back to reality by firmly grabbing my butt. Her evil grin told me she knew exactly what she was doing.

"You were daydreaming again," she chided.

"Wasn't. M'just drunk."

"No you aren't. Let's get you another, then you can be."

I let Rayla feed me more alcohol. What the hell. It was a party after all.

It did get better, actually. More booze in my system, less inhibitions, Rayla still wanting to playfully dance with me.

I flirted back more, put my hands on her and tried to see where she'd let them rest. I even played a game of pretending to kiss her. She'd laugh and move her head out of the way, like it was all for fun, which was only partly true.

"See, you jus' need to loosen up sometimes," Rayla said.

"You're right," I agreed, as soberly as drunk me could manage. "Wanna make out?"

"Hm, a li'l too loose there. Tighten back up about ten to fifteen percent."

I grabbed her butt instead. She just laughed.

"Not what I meant," she said.

"Sorry," I said, not meaning it even a little bit.

****

Rayla and I meandered our way back to my place. My house was closer than hers, close enough to walk. It was a nice night out: moonlit, warm, romantic.

The two of us held hands most of the way, which I appreciated for all it was worth.

"Hey, Ames?" Rayla said.

She was balancing with great concentration along a low stone wall.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we're doing something wrong?"

"No, this is the right way."

"Not directionally," Rayla said. "I mean... when you get drunk at parties, aren't you supposed to sometimes, like, hook up with your crush or something?"

My heart beat a little harder in my chest. Technically I was walking home in the moonlight with my crush, but I didn't want to get into that.

"So movies would have us believe," I said.

"Yeah."

We walked a little farther.

"Ames?"

"Yeah, Ray?"

"I think maybe I don't have a crush."

"Well you've got lots to pick from if you ever want one."

She made a face. "What, like people I've danced with?"

"Among others, yes. People like to flirt back with you."

Rayla nodded. "Flirting is fun. But, like, I think it's supposed to make me feel all funny and giddy with the right person. Like all nervous and sweaty, and we look at each other all shyly and then... and then... something. Something happens."

"Sex?"

She giggled. "No, something before that."

"Kissing?"

"Not quite what I meant. But yeah, kissing should happen, I think."

"I tried to kiss you. You wouldn't let me."

"Hehe, you're right. You can now, if you want."

I stopped short. Rayla didn't notice at first, but since we were still holding hands she was brought to an abrupt halt as well.

"What?" I said.

Rayla looked at me with a tilted head and a semblance of a coherent smile. "We could try it," she said. "It'd be a good test. Like out in the moonlight, going home drunk with someone. We could find out what it feels like."

I swallowed hard. I felt my palm sweating where I held Rayla's hand. "I don't know if it counts," I said. "If you... if it's...."

Rayla let go of my hand and stepped in front of me. She looked at me quite intently. "Obviously it would only be for real with someone you were crushing on. Or dating. Or--"

I kissed her. I could tell myself it was the booze, that it wasn't me. But it was. As nervous to take advantage of her as I was, she'd opened the door too hard for me to gently close it again.

It wasn't a good kiss. Even I had to admit that it was quick and nervous and uncoordinated. It wasn't the perfectly scripted first kiss from a movie. Yet, for all that, it was as amazing as I could have hoped. That all too brief contact of our lips, the taste of her, the feel of our bodies awkwardly pressing together, it was the sort of thing to set off fireworks inside me and fully cement Rayla as my perfect crush.

Rayla put her arms around me, but I think it was just for balance.

"Wow," she said, loosely hugging me. "That wasn't bad, actually."

My eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Yeah. I think kisses might be nice."

I scoffed. "That wasn't hardly your first one. It--"

"Yeah it was," she said casually. "I would have told you if I'd kissed someone. I tell you everything."

"That's true," I admitted, trying not to show all the excitement inside me trying to burst out.

Her first kiss. And it wasn't bad! That was practically good!

"Let's try it again," Rayla said. "But lemme tilt more like... this. And then--"

I kissed her again. She was closer to me, arms wrapped around me. I wrapped mine around her too, pulling her tight as I dared. I savoured the kiss, drawing it out as much as I reasonably could. I wanted to live in that moment.

Rayla was quiet for a moment after. I held my breath, waiting for a reaction.

"Yeah, that's nice," she said. She pulled away from my embrace. "Come on, I need a bed now."

I hurried to catch up and take her hand again. I was flushed, embarrassed, thrilled, nervous, basically all of things all at once, and I was pretty sure Rayla didn't realize hardly any of it.

That was ok. The night was perfect just the way it was.

****

About twenty minutes later I was holding Rayla's hair while she puked into the toilet. It wasn't great. I wasn't as badly drunk as her, but being near her throwing up was making me want to do the same. We didn't make a pretty pair.

My mom must have heard us. She came padding out to check on us in her robe.

"Fun party, was it?" she asked through a yawn.

"It was ok," I said.

I recalled kissing Rayla, and despite her current state I readjusted my grip, smoothing out her hair, and just smiled.

"Glad to hear it," Mom said. "I'll get you two some water. Should I make some toast or something while I'm at it?"

Rayla just groaned. I shrugged and nodded. "Yes please."

Mom sat up with us a while as we nibbled on toast and drank at least a glass of water each. She didn't chastise us or anything. It wasn't really her style generally, and she'd let us form our own lessons from the aftereffects we suffered. I both loved and hated that about her at times. I appreciated that I didn't have to worry about her yelling at me after coming home drunk, at least.

Rayla and I went to bed once we got too tired to stay up, and we seemed like we were past any more danger of throwing up.

"Ugh, my clothes all feel gross now," she grumbled. She started pulling them off in rather uncoordinated fashion.

"Probably the throwing up and sweating," I said, working on my clothes too.

"Blergh. Don't let me ever drink again."

"That's what you said last time too."

"And you didn't stop me?"

"There's no stopping you when you decide you want to party."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is."

I bit my lip as Rayla kept going and actually got fully naked. I felt like such a bad friend appreciating the view as she crawled into my bed like that, but how was I supposed to help it? She's the one who got naked.

I left my panties and shirt on for a sense of modesty, as well as the knowledge that both of us naked in my bed together was more than I could handle. Even as it was I felt all nervous and excited slipping in next to her.

Nothing was going to happen. That wasn't us. Kisses or not we were still best friends, nothing more.

Rayla made that quite painful as she rolled next to me, close enough that her breasts pressed against my arm. I lay still and pretended like I couldn't feel her next to me. I knew in my heart that I'd never sleep like that, that I'd be awake all night feeling her, listening to her breathing, and thinking about kissing her again.

I was, however, incorrect in that assessment. All the booze in my sleepy system put me out regardless of the number of nude crushes in my bed.

****

Morning kind of sucked. I didn't have a bad hangover, but enough of one that I regretted drinking. A slow recall of the events of the night before slowly mollified me until I changed my mind entirely and welcomed the pain, as it had been deemed worthy.

Rayla was slower than me to wake up, and when as she did she cuddled harder to me, which made me even happier about the state of my life.

"Hmph. Ames?"

"Yeah, Ray?"

"How much did I drink last night?"

"A lot."

"That makes sense."

She groaned and shifted, wiggling somehow closer against me. I tried not to sigh happily out loud.

"Ames?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I naked?"

"You took your clothes off last night, yes."

"... why did I do that?"

"You're asking me?"

She hesitated. "We didn't... we didn't, like...."

"We didn't what?"

"You know. When people get drunk and wake up naked with each other...."

I snorted. "We didn't accidentally have sex," I said, trying to sound casual about the possibility. "You'll note that I'm not naked."

"True."

She went quiet a while. I halfway thought she might just fall back asleep.

"Ames, I kinda remember something."

"Sure."

"I'm not sure if it's real though."

"Well what is it?"

"It's going to sound silly if it's not real."

"So what?"

"I just... I don't know if it's real."

I nodded. "I think I got the point. What are we talking about?"

Rayla hesitated again. "Did we kiss?"

I felt a flush and hoped she couldn't feel my heartbeat. "Yes."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry."

I shrugged. "Nothing to be sorry about. We were both drunk, we both did it. It, uh, wasn't unpleasant."

Rayla groaned and pushed herself up. I was disappointed to lose her cuddles, but happy to see more of her as she raised herself and the covers fell away. She was hungover, bleary, and disheveled, arguably very much not at her most attractive, but she still appeared radiant and beautiful to me.

I could have just stared at her. Sure, partly because she was naked, but not entirely because of that. Partly just because I was hopelessly, painfully smitten. I had the sneaking suspicion that having slightly made out the night before wasn't going to help my crush any.

"I need a shower," she declared.

"That's true. Your morning breath is kind of atrocious."

"Bleh, shut up. I feel like I threw up all night."

"Well... not all night."

"Ugh. You're not supposed to let me make such an ass of myself."

"I feel like that's got to be partly on you," I said.

Rayla grumbled and padded nakedly toward the door. She stopped and turned back, and I had to quickly pretend like I hadn't been straight up checking out her ass. She grabbed one of my shirts, one long enough to cover her, and carried on toward the shower.

To my own embarrassment, I started playing with myself while she was showering. What could I say, I was horny. It happened.

I rubbed my pussy just thinking about Rayla. My recent memories were particularly helpful: our kisses, her naked cuddles, the fact that she was currently in the shower with all that water streaming down her nude body....

I felt bad about it after I came. Felt like I was taking advantage. She was my best friend, and I definitely should not be playing with my clit while thinking about her like that. But it felt so good in the moment, got me all excited, and indeed made me cum in that special way I desperately needed.

Rayla returned while I was still lying there contemplating my life choices. She was wrapped in a towel, all fresh and damp from the shower. It was more modest than full nudity, but was an enticing look all unto itself.

She sat down delicately on the bed next to me.

"Ames, I really am sorry," she said.

"You don't need to be sorry about anything."

"I do. We... we kissed. And--"

"It's really ok," I said. "That was both of us. It's not like you made me do anything."

She shook her head. "I'm not sorry for that. Just... it's unfair to you."

"Why?"

Rayla fidgeted with her towel. "Because I think it means a lot more to you than to me."

I froze. "What?"

She smiled awkwardly. "You didn't think I wasn't going to pick up on it sooner or later, did you?"

"Oh god."

"I mean, I think I know you pretty well."

"Ray, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

"No, I know. Not like it's something you can help. I wish we could have talked about it though. Before I did something stupid."

I sat up and hugged my knees. "I couldn't talk about it. Who crushes on their best friend? It's not right."

"It's not a big deal. I mean it's kind of flattering, in some ways. I just... I don't think I can feel the same."

I looked down and shook my head. "I know. Trust me, I know. I didn't want to say anything, 'cause it'll probably go away eventually. I'll find some other girl maybe. I just... I wish it would happen faster. And you'll find a boyfriend too. We'll both be happy, and still be friends, and it'll all be good."

Rayla sighed. "Ames, it's not that I can't feel the same specifically about you. I mean...."

"What?"

"Just...."

"Ray, what is it?"

"Oh god, Ames, I don't think I can feel the same about anyone. I... I don't think I've ever had a crush. Ever had anyone I liked. I'm supposed to. I know I'm supposed to. And I try so hard, but it just doesn't work. That's why I feel bad about last night. I even took advantage of you to try and just feel what I'm supposed to feel, and it just doesn't work."

She started to shake. I didn't think she was crying, but it was awfully close. I crawled over and wrapped my arms around her. She resisted for a moment, then let me hug her.

"I don't feel taken advantage of," I said.

"Doesn't mean you weren't."

"I think you have to let me decide if I was or not."

Rayla shrugged. "Ok."

She kept trembling for a while, then eventually settled a bit. It felt nice, just holding her, like a friend. Yes I'd just masturbated to her, but this was more solid ground. Just best friends being there for each other. It felt good in its own way, with no tricky moral questions floating along behind it. I missed just having these pure, wholesome moments.

"So... tell me about not liking anyone," I said softly. "I always assumed you were ok. You're the biggest flirt I know. In hindsight... maybe that doesn't mean what I thought it meant."

Rayla half laughed and half sobbed. She smiled as she swiped at her eye, wiping away a few errant tears. "It doesn't," she confirmed. "That was me trying to feel... whatever I'm supposed to feel. And I mean it's fun. Just messing around. But any time I thought about doing more, or someone was interested in doing more... it doesn't feel right. Sometimes it downright freaks me out. And I just can't explain why. Not even to myself."

I shrugged and hugged her tighter. "That's ok."

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"You know I used you as a safety net. Whenever I didn't feel comfortable anymore around other people, I'd use you as a shield."

"That's what friends are for."

"Even when I started to realize you felt stuff for me? Was that still ok?"

"I never said anything. I didn't want you to know."

"Yeah, but I still knew. Mostly."

"Maybe we both could have been more honest," I said.

"Probably, yeah."

I kept hugging Rayla. I wasn't entirely sure what kept us both locked in that embrace, but it felt good, and it reassured me that things were ok.

"Ames?"

"Hm?"

"Do you want to kiss me again?"

I perked up, feeling my heartbeat increase to match. The immediate thrill lasted only a second before I thought about it. "We did that when we were drunk."

"I know. That's why... I mean if we did it, maybe I should at least properly remember what it feels like. I remember last night, but not all that clearly."

"You know I want to say yes."

"I do."

"But you don't really want to, right? Is it just for me?"

Rayla squirmed a little. "The weird thing is I do want to. Just... not because I want to be with you. Not like as a girlfriend. If this is just going to be weird then we shouldn't, and maybe I shouldn't have even said anything. But... if it's ok to just kiss again... just a little... then I think I kind of want to."

I didn't argue about it. I didn't want to win an argument like that. She wanted to kiss, so I kissed her. Maybe it was a terrible idea. I wasn't about to sit around questioning it.

It was a different vibe altogether from the night before. We weren't drunk and spontaneous, out in the moonlight, all alone in a sleeping world. Just two girls in a bedroom, close together, lips meeting all soft and tender together.

It was wonderful. That was my biased opinion. I decided I liked it even more than last time. Maybe just because it was fresh and new and happening to me in the moment, but maybe also because we were both fully aware of each other this time. Fully awake and sober, making deliberate choices, and somehow holding each other and kissing in the soft morning light.