All Comments on 'Gone Astray'

It started off well; but towards the end it became stereotypical.

People feel guilt. Unless you're a sociopath or you are leaving your spouse, we all feel guilt. She felt nothing, she hated her life and her husband and she felt nothing; but not once did she feel like leaving. Not once did she express regret or guilt. There was no human emotion which is integral to a story.

And how can she be average looking if, at 42, she had the body of a teenager even after 3 kids?

I think there are a lot of frustrated English teachers as well as the usual trolls that haunt this site who live to belittle others who actually have a go.

Congratulations on your first story, I thought it was a worthy effort. You could try the volunteer editors program, another pair of eyes always helps to find pesky little mistakes. The plot was fine and I think you handled the sex scenes well. It could have gone into IRL or NC/R but it centered around a wife so LW is okay as well.

I'm not going to get bogged down with nit picking your writing but can I suggest you keep reading others stories as well. It's a great way to see how you can improve. Perhaps someone like Girl In The Moon who in my humble opinion is one of the best on this site.

Cheers

CharlieB4

The slow languid pace of the story was excruciatingly good!

You caught the mood well. Maybe you could have made this into two parts. But, the first half of the story, was excellent!

Assuming that the author hasn't deleted any comments, the ratio of helpful to unhelpful comments was better than often is the case among the Loving Wives commentariat.

That said, I second the advice given by the more helpful comments. Five pages is long for a standard LW story. It has to be exceptional to hold the readership for more than three pages. Precision is preferable to wordiness, and I thought this was unnecessarily wordy.

And, as Charlie said, reading stories by the better authors is helpful. Girl in The Moon is just one of many. One Hit Wanda is another that I like for descriptive technique.

But, in the end, remember that you owe the readers nothing. Write for yourself and if the readers like it and say so, consider it a bonus. Especially with the Loving Wives category where there are at least two distinct camps, you'll never please all the readers. The best you can hope for is that those who don't like what you write won't read it.

Lue

I guess she's ready to trade her family and future for a pussyful of thick come from a bigger dick. I give this new life she's headed for about 6 months before that dude gets tired of her. Then she'll get dumped or passed on to some of his friends or maybe even a pimp. Why are husbands always described so poorly by these types of writers? If that's the way she feels, how did she fall in love?

I hope her husband finds out soon. Maybe a half black kid?

RUN HUBBY RUN!

Compelling and nearly believable from the woman's point of view. It is so nice to see loving emerge from sex

I really enjoyed it. The ending was rushed but for a first story this was really well done. I hope you continue to write more

I really do hope you overlook the negative comments and continue in your writing efforts because I saw real promise in your description of Daniel's seduction of Sara. Although there were some weaknesses in the beginning of the seduction, once Daniel was able to convince Sara to go to his apartment and even accept a drink, the seduction proceeded as expected considering Sara's life experiences. Those experiences, or lack thereof, made it possible for Daniel to take advantage of a obviously lonely housewife. This is too often a typical result in many marriages and is quite conceivable that Sara was so easily seduced. It's unfortunate that the author rushed the story at the end because from my viewpoint he has created a very good groundwork for many possible scenarios for the captivated Sara. Daniel can begin to use his control over Sara to take her deeper into a depraved life of sexuality, possibly leading her into a life of sexual experiences with Daniel and even his friends, using her new obsession to make her a black-loving slut.

A few of the usual "black" cliches but at least you kept them to a minimum. 4*

If really worried, why not use the 'morning after pill', then get back on regular birth control?

Otherwise an interesting story. Looking for phase 2.

Most EROTIC story I’ve read here for years. Great writing, hope there’s a part 2. Love the 19 year old knocking up the 40 year old MILF! The bump and how to hide it – breasts swelling – the older children and hubby astounded. Great scope for more PLEASE.

Hands down, the best new piece from a new author I've read in a year. Sequel, PLEASE!

What Sara learnt really it is technique that makes sex enjoyable, obviously her husband didn't bother to learn about female sexuality as long as he was satisfied he was happy. A big cock isn't necessary to please a women but as far as she is concerned it could be a bonus.

What a raw hot mess! Sara is addict now. She cant stay with husband can she? Is Dan have other plans... Like the ending! More pls.

I could feel how both felt from your writing.

I especially found that the preg risk aspect of it made it even hotter, and hope you will continue more iwth how she feels risking impregnation and pregnancy. Preg risk sex is te only real sex there is. All else is just mutual masterbation.

Congratulations!!!!

This is awesome. For a first story it's a spectacular submission. I didn't find it wordy at all. As for racial stereotypes, they DO exist and certainly not only in your story. Our sex drive is in the midbrain and we can't choose or control what turns us on. But I'll rely on what an older woman once told me: Anything that happens between people that is love is good. We should have more of it.

My only admonition is this: When you, the writer, directly addressed the reader by defending Sara's musings while sitting on Daniel's pee stained toilet it was a distraction and nearly ruined the mood. That kind of digression is fine in another kind of story but it doesn't fit here. Never apologize for your writing. In your case you write superbly, but never, ever apologize for what excites you.

I was drawn in by this story and unable to extricate myself until I'd finished it.

Bravo!

Very descriptive writing and the sex was hot.

I thought it was a good first story. I'm disappointed that Sara felt no guilt about having sex with someone other than her husband. Irregardless of whether or not it wasn't with her husband, she still had unprotected sex, and could possibly get pregnant or catch an STD. At a few points, she seemed concerned about that (especially since her husband had a vasectomy) and couldn't get her pregnant again. It seemed she was too wrapped up in enjoying sex, and her first real orgasm, without a worry about her future. This seems to be a common thread that runs thru most of these "cheating wives" stories.

It makes one wonder why she got married in the first place, let alone had 3 kids IF the sex with her husband was that bad. It also seems she wasn't very experienced, and after 20 years of married life, never bothered to learn herself either (my wife is like that, even though she's trying to learn with me).

However, your writing of the sex scenes seemed to be well detailed, as well as her seduction, I found that very good, as it kept the reader involved and wanting more. Like I said, for a first story it was well done, and well thought out.

This was a hot story, for which I gave five stars, but one could wish you took more care with your language. You drop words out, misspell others, and obviously are baffled by verb tenses. Even your last sentence, the last impression you're leaving with your readers, has a missing word: "The only thing worrying her was how long it would take ___ he called again." You needed an "until" or "before" or similar in there. Sure, many readers are willing to make allowances for a hot, forcefully written story. But there's no reason not to proofread and use even this very casual form of writing as motivation to improve your command of the language.

Excellent.

Yes she is cheating. However; it was unintentional and not really consensual. Her husband is the stereotypical, inconsiderate cuck, but such idiots do exist.

great story but you do know she can get after sex pills at the drug store and start taking BC but great story

This is one of the best stories I have ever read on Lit. Your style is excellent. I hope Daniel is a sharer. Amy x