Good Naked, Bad Naked Contest

Derek: Hello everyone, and bienvenue, welcome to the third annual Vic Hall Nude Day! We are your hosts, and first I'd like to introduce Dave, step forward Dave, don't be shy (pause for laughter). Now Dave, as a host and judge, I believe you should be setting an example?

Dave: Let's get this started! (Dave begins to strip.)

Derek: Oh my gosh, a naked Dave. Something Vic Hall hasn't been exposed to in, what, five days?

Dave: More like two.

Derek: Thank you Dave, now find a towel to sit on. Who knows what stories the dorm furniture can tell. Next up, please welcome your second host and judge Amelie!

Amelie: Allo, bonsoir! I guess I go next. Whooooop! (Amelie pulls her dress over her head in one swift motion and tosses it behind her. She strikes a pose in her matching lingerie and enjoys the applause. She reaches behind and undoes her bra, spinning it on her finger and takes the microphone from Derek.)

Amelie: et maintenant, our last host and third judge, I believe you too are overdressed! Please give him some encouragement. Here he is, Derek!

(Derek pulls off his shirt, whips off his belt, and begins shimmying his hips until his pants drop to the ground. Amelie imitates him, wiggling her hips, but of course her panties remain in place.)

Dave: Here, honey, let Dave help you with those sticky panties.

(Dave hooks his fingers in and slowly slides them down Amelie's legs as she continues to shimmy. Now all three are naked, and theey stand triumphant before the applauding crowd.)

Amelie: Ladies and Gentlemen, we declare the Nude Day open! You may now remove your clothes as you wish.

(Cheers. Shirts and pants fly around the room. A few have come prepared with tear away clothes. One woman in a bathrobe and a towel on her hair, as though fresh from the shower, steps in front of the crowd. She bends over, vigorously dries her hair, stands up and steps out of her bathrobe. She redoes the towel turban and gives a champion's clasped hands to the applause)

Dave: Wonderful, wonderful, and welcome again. We will, of course, start the festivities with the contest.

Derek: Yes, by popular demand, we have brought back the Good Naked and Bad Naked contest.

(Cheers)

Amelie: All are welcome to compete in any category. Good Naked means you are doing something made better by being naked. Such as me, brushing my hair. (Amelie brushes her hair and sings.)

Derek: And Bad Naked is something made even worse by being naked, like me, trying to open these pickles. (Derek strains to get the lid off the pickles, gives up, rubs his arm across his forehead, and tries again, getting his whole body into it. Finally succeeding, he takes a pickle and chews on it.)

Dave: The best in Good Naked will be judged by the loudest cheers. CAN I HEAR YOU BITCHES CHEER? (the crowd roars)

Dave: and the worst in Bad Naked will be judged by the loudest boos. EVERYONE "BOOOOO!" (the crowd boos)

Derek: And this year, we will have both singles and pairs competitions in each category. Everyone is welcome to do a single entry in any category. Are there any questions? No one? Well, no one except Steve...Steve always has a question.

Steve: Do pairs need to be mixed?

Dave: God help me, Steve. No! There is no men's category, or women's competition, or mixed doubles. This isn't tennis, this is Good naked Bad naked.

Amelie: Good, then let's begin. Can I have anyone wishing to compete in the Good Naked category approach? What, just three ladies? Please, guys, I want to see some good naked guys, please. Et bien, Andre! Manifique! (Cheers for Andre). Anyone else? Well, we remain open until the final voting lineup. Each of you will say your name, do your action, and then tell us what you are doing. It is like charades. Ok? Good, first up, this lovely blonde lady with the hoop.

Sarah: Hi. I'm Sarah. (Sarah begins to hula-hoop, shaking and wiggling, her tits swaying. She manages to slowly turn so everyone can see her ass working too. She finishes to the group cheering.) I was hula-hooping.

Amelie: Bravo, Sarah. Next up, we have our shortest competitor. Please introduce yourself.

(A brunette woman steps forward who is about 5'1". She has broad shoulders and visible muscles with smallish boobs)

Stacy: Hi, I'm Stacy, and I need a little space for this. Can you guys make some room, please?

(The crowd steps back. Stacy goes to the edge of the space, twists, and does two cartwheels. She smiles at the crowd, flips onto her hands and splits her legs while in a handstand. Stacy flips back onto her feet and slides down into a split. Everyone is impressed and begins to cheer.)

Amelie: Wow, Stacy, you make my legs hurt! Thank you for the impressive display! Next up, our last lady.

(The woman with the towel on her head steps forward.)

Stefanie: Allo, je suis Stefanie. I am not so gymnastique, but here I go.

(Stefanie is gorgeous, with lovely boobs and manicured vulva and nails. She sits on the table, crooks one knee with the other leg out. She bends forward, her vulva spreading open, her breasts hanging down and swaying, and pretends to paint her toenails. More than one penis twitches at the view, especially as she looks up and gives the crowd a saucy grin. She stands back up to applause).

Amelie: Merci, Stefanie. Et bien, last we have Andre.

(Andre steps forward, he is tall and well built with some dark body hair. His penis hangs down, possibly a little more engorged thanks to Stefanie's display)

Andre: Hello, I'm Andre. (shouts of "we know" from the crowd).

(Andre, a renowned nudist, steps forward confidently. He begins standing at attention, then lunges forward into a Warrior pose, his dong dangling. He leans back to a reverse warrior, pivots, stands, and bends into the classic Downward Facing Dog. Mutters of approval are heard from several participants, including a generous "mmmmhmmmm?" from Dave. Finally, Andre shifts to a Plank Pose, holding steady, his cock and balls prominently displayed. After a minute, Amelie comes over and rests her butt on him.)

Amelie: Oui, oui, Andre. Fabulous, but do not tire yourself, OK?

(Andre grins, relents, and drops to his knees to applause and whistles.)

Amelie: OK, can I have our contestants line up? May I hear the cheers for your favorites, first, Sarah! (Thunderous applause and cheers). Stacy? (Strong applause) Stefanie? (Cheers and some hooting) and Andre? (Applause, and a few shouts of "I love you Andre!")

Amelie: I think we have our champion, Sarah! Here you are, a ten dollar gift certificate to Tim Hortons!

(Sarah jumps up and down excitedly, her breasts bouncing to everyone's delight.)

Derek: Ok, next we have the Bad Naked Singles competition. May I have the contestants step forward? OK, the four of you, and with Andre again? OK then, let's go first with a man who needs no introduction, Andre!

(Andre crosses the floor to take Sarah's hula hoop. He tries to start twice, failing and crunching his dick on the hoop the second time. A few men groan in sympathy, but he perseveres, and the third time manages to get the hoops going. Soon his dick is helicoptering as he hulas. People are both laughing and booing. He stops and the hoop clatters to the floor. Sarah takes the hoop up again at arms length, feigning disgust).

Derek: Thank you Andre for that...display. Next up, may we have this gentleman with what looks like a giant vagina on wheels?

Martin: Hello, I'm Martin. I'm studying to be a large animal vet.

(Martin takes the vagina in one hand and shoves his other arm in almost to his shoulder. He reaches around, cries "gotcha!" and slowly pulls out a fake front of a calf. There is laughter and cries of disgust, but Martin and his calf take a bow, followed by the requisite boos)

Derek: I just...I can't...um, ew. Thanks Martin. Next, I am afraid to invite this young lady with a toy dog.

(Amy steps forward and places a dog model on the table)

Amy: Hello, I'm Amy. I'm also studying veterinary medicine.

(Amy sticks her fingers in her mouth, then takes her two fingers and presses them against and then into the dog's ass. She wiggles them, removes her hand, wipes her fingers on the table,and the resumes explore the dog's anus)

Martin: Oh my god, are you expressing the anal glands?

Amy: Yep!

(The crowd goes nuts with "ewwws", boos, and some laughter.)

Dave: She can express my anal glands anytime she wants to!

Derek: (sternly) Thank you, Dave! And thank you, Amy. I don't know if we will allow vet students ever again. Last up, a man and his pan.

Peter: Uh, hi, I'm Peter.

(Peter mimes frying something. He clearly knows he has already lost, but still manages a decent show, pretending to get hot bacon grease on his dick. He ends with some generous booing from the crowd)

Derek: Great, so if the contestants can line up? Boo as I place my hands over their heads, with the loudest being the winner.

(Andre gets some solid booing, but it rises with Martin and Amy, then drops off with Peter. Derek returns to Martin, and the booing picks up, but then Amy pretends to smell her fingers and the crowd explodes in revulsion.)

Derek: And so we have it. Clearly the worst naked is Amy. Here is your gift card, which can buy you a dozen chocolate dip donuts.

Dave: OK people. It's time for the pairs competition. We'll start with the Bad Naked pairs. Can all pairs please step forward? Three pairs? Great. First, are any of you in the Vet School? No...thank god! Ok, John and Matt, you go first.

(John and Matt step forward. Matt mimes preparing pizza dough on the table)

John: *brrriiing brrrriiiiinnnnggg* Hello? Yeah, we deliver. Waddya want? Two pies, with extra sausage? No problem. Give us thirty minutes.

Matt: Wadda they want?

John: Two pies, extra sausage.

Matt: Ok, extra sausage (he plops his dick on the table). Hey, Johnny! We're gonna need more sausage.

John: I got your extra sausage right here! (John plops his cock and balls on the table)

Matt: What, they want olives too? (Matt gets his balls on the table too)

John: No, no. Just the sausage. I like to give them the olives for free!

(They bow, and get a lot of boos)

Dave: Thank you, boys. Next, mayI have Mike and Jessica.

(Mike leans over the table, pretending to look at something. Jessica slides underneath between his legs...she brought a skateboard! They're mechanics looking at a car! She slides back out until her face is under his crotch)

Jessica: It looks pretty bad under here!

Mike: Yeah? Waddya see?

Jessica: It's all covered in mud, but I think the Johnson Rod has taken a beating.

Mike: Oh, someone's been rough on the old Johnson Rod?

Jessica: Yeah. I don't think they used any lubrication. It's gonna wear out?

Mike: Well, sometimes you just gotta go and rough it. Not everyone takes the time to lube properly.

(Mike and Jess stand up. There's laughter and booing)

Dave: Thank you, thank you. Guys, let's all try to remember how important it is to grease your Johnson rod before taking it in the mud! Last up, Jake and Geoff.

Jake: Say, Geoff, I think I saw some pimples on your back.

Geoff: You don't say! I was just about to tell you I saw some pimples on your back.

Jake: Really? Would you be a pal and pop'em for me?

Geoff: Sure thing, buddy. (He comes close behind Jake and pretends to squeeze the pimples.) Would you mind returning the favour?

Jake: I'd be happy to. Come here...hold still, oooo, this is a big one! (Jake pretends to wipe the pus on Geoff's back). A bit more. There, that's it.

Geoff: Thank you my friend.

(someone shouts "Check his anal glands!" to laughter and boos)

Dave: And that is all, thank God, for the Pairs Bad Naked competition. Can I hear the boos for Jake and Geoff? (Booooo!) Mike and Jessica (Booo!) John and Matt? (BOOOOOOOOOO!)

Dave: Ok, we have learned to never let these guys cook for you. Here are your gift certificates.

Derek: And last, but certainly not least, the Pairs Good Naked competition! Will the contestants step forward? Oh, Andre, your back again! Wonderful. And another pair! Oh, and Steve, you want to go in with Dave? Of course he can join, but he cannot judge as well. OK, first up, Steve and Dave.

Steve: OK, so let's work on your golf swing. Here, let me show you.

(Steve comes up behind Dave, he reaches around and holds his hands the right way to hold a club.)

Steve: Spread your legs a little more. That's it. And relax. Deep breath...can you feel me breathe? There....now we'll swing our arms back, great, and swing forward. Wonderful. And again, relax, breathe, swing back, and forward!

(Dave is smiling, shyly, and the crowd cheers and applauds)

Amelie: How delightful...maybe I need some golf lessons. Next we have Harry and Claire.

Harry: C'mon Claire, we gotta win this Chicken Fight!

(Harry bends down, and Claire climbs on his shoulders. He grabs her legs and they chase down Derek, then Amelie. Amelie climbs on Derek, and the four of them engage in a lighthearted chicken fight, with the crowd cheering them on.)

Derek: OK, OK! Our final contestants for the night. Andre and Stefanie, both back for another round.

(Andre pretends to enter a door)

Andre: Hello ma'am. I'd like to get sized for a suit.

Stefanie: Of course, here, first I measure your shoulders...

(Stefanie walks behind Andre. She leans close to him, and mimes measuring his shoulders and his arms. He raises his arms, and she measures from his hips to his armpit. She then reaches around his waist to measure that. Andre is grinning happily and starting to sport a chubby.

Stefanie gets on her knees in front of him. She measures the outside of his leg, leaning in so her head is beside his growing erection. She adjusts and slowly runs her hand up the inseam of his leg. He is now at half mast, when she cups his balls.)

Stefanie: Do you dress left, or right?

Andre: Ahem...I dress left.

(Andre is now fully erect. Stefanie smiles and measures the length and girth of his cock. It's going too far, even for nude day, but the crowd is silent, holding their breath as they gaze on intently. Stefanie turns to the crowd and mouths "Wow!", winks, and stands up. The tension is relieved, and the crowd bursts into a cheer. Derek steps forward, himself visibly excited)

Derek: Ok, ok. Cool down, everyone! Can I hear it for Dave and Steve?! (Loud cheers) Harry and Claire? (More cheers and applause) Stefanie and Andre?

(The room erupts. It is clear who has won. Stefanie gives Andre a big kiss, leaving him flushed and still a ittle excited. They accept their Tim Horton's certficates with aplomb.)

Dave: Thank you, all. Thank you. Now for those of you who expected an orgy to break out, this is NUDE DAY, not orgy day. If you are feeling so inclined, I'm sure you can join Andre and friends later. Who knows...maybe I'll stop by! But for now, we have that perfect blend of good and bad naked...Naked Square Dancing! So pick your partner and prepare to dosey doe!