tagReviews & EssaysGrowing Up as a Dominant

Growing Up as a Dominant


Growing up truly Dominant (what do you think Macho means?)

A few months ago My wife (and submissive) and I met an experienced couple at an Alternate Lifestyle friendly bar in Kansas City. He and I hit if off quickly and had very long and very good conversations. His over 23 years in the lifestyle, yes it is true, dwarfs my relatively short time in it. We spoke of how He had been introduced to the lifestyle and how I was introduced to the lifestyle.

I mentioned to Him that I was brought up in South America (Argentina) and that it was a true revelation to Me when I realized what I had done when I came to the United States at the still forming age of 12. I threw away those things that had been taught to Me as a child about what it means to be a true man (what we call - "Un Macho verdadero" or a "true Macho". I learned early in the US that men were not expected to be Men, but to be equals with women, and that the 60's feminist revolution had a deep impact on how a man was supposed to act and behave (well, actually that's wrong, how a man was NOT supposed to act and NOT supposed to behave).

Like a half baked cake truly is bad, so is a half baked idea. And now, looking back at this from the perspective of some 36 additional years, I realized that the feminist movement took away the structure I had seen in My own upbringing, and replaced it with nothing. A great deal of Don't, but not a lot of Do. I'll give you the first example that comes to mind. I had a single date with a woman while I was single again and in My mid 30's and she had a total fit, because I walked around and opened the car door, after having committed the unthinkable act of opening the door for her.

As I became aware of the BDSM lifestyle and the D/s and M/s portions of it, I remember telling My wife that if what she had in mind was just the sexual "kink" I was not going to drop the façade I had created around My upbringing. she let Me know that she wanted the full 24/7 lifestyle commitment and that sexual pleasures would take their normal part of our total life.

I mentioned to My new acquaintance that I had been brought up with the true meaning of Macho teachings, not the "Latin Stereotype" of Machismo. There is a huge difference, but let Me sum up the stereotypical macho (no capital M) is a weak man who is not a true leader of his family and superimposes the word macho for the actions of a true Macho.

Let me expand upon that by giving you a great definition I found that fits what I grew up with. A true Latin Macho is:

1. He who is dignified

2. He who is a protector

3. He who is responsible

4. He who is nurturing

5. He who is spiritual

6. He who is faithful

7. He who is respectful

8. He who is friendly

9. He who is caring

10. He who is sensitive

11. He who is trustful

12. He who provides

Notice the responsibilities that have to be taught to young men so that they will be able to assume the true role of head of His household. Notice that nowhere does it say He is abusive, promiscuous, and dictatorial as is often proclaimed in the stereotypical macho man.

He who is dignified:

If One who has self respect and respect of other's capabilities and strengths and contributions, then and only then can they present a dignified persona to the world around them. If, on the other hand they try to dictate their will upon others, no matter how much lipstick you put on the pig, it's still a pig - undignified.

He who is protector:

The head of the household must protect those in his house, but in this case it goes beyond. Men have to stand up for what is right, and to help those who are weaker to become stronger; sometimes by action, other times by inaction, but always with the aim to protect the dignity of others.

He who is responsible:

Being a man is accepting the responsibilities that come with the job. He has to be a strong leader of his family - not a dictator. He has to provide for his family, in every sense of the word: a safe home, food on the table, roof over their heads, leadership in times of turmoil, and natural and earned strength during a crisis. A true "macho" never runs away from his responsibilities to his family, to his friends and to his community.

He who is nurturing:

A true Man (Macho, which translates to male) has to be nurturing. He has to offer the example to his children and their friends of what a Man is. He has to develop the strengths in His immediate family circle and close friends. He cannot shirk this responsibility, because if he does then he does a terrible injustice to the social Trust placed upon him – preparing the next generation to lead.

He who is Spiritual:

Don't think of this simply as religious, there is that aspect but there is far more to it. A spiritual person is in touch with the spirits of the people around him and is aware of the swings in energy levels they go through and provides the right stimulus to bring life into the spiritual balance that is necessary for proper growth. If the man is not in tune with what is going on around him, because he is too busy in one area or another of his life to pay full attention to the totality of his circle of influence (typically, wife and kids) then he neglects their spiritual needs.

He who is faithful:

Too many times in the stereotypical macho, one hears of the conquests. How funny that sounds to Me. My grandfather was the patriarch, or the Macho, of the family. He was a tall, handsome man who could have had any woman he wanted in his life, and being a significant land owner, had the position to have whomever he wanted. Yet, when he met my grandmother and married her, he promised to Love, Honor and Protect her (her vows were just a bit different). When she was very sick, back in the early 40's my grandfather, a Lutheran at the time, promised God that if He saw fit to save her life and bring her back to him, he would become Catholic and he would build a church in the local pueblo.

She recovered over time and regained her strength so my grandfather kept both his promises and never once strayed from my grandmother. He was as close to what we call Macho as a man can come; because the ideal Macho is impossible to achieve, but one must stride to achieve as much as he can. And, keep in mind that if you are not faithful, you waste energy and time that should be devoted to the family.

He who is respectful:

Now doesn't this one fly in the face of the stereotype you all grew up with? The fact of the matter is that the male role models in My life while I was growing up understood their roles and took them seriously. I was told more than once a day, that to be respected by others, one must first be respectful of others and accept their contributions willingly and earnestly. One cannot be given respect if he does not offer it first, to everyone in the family, friends and casual acquaintances. It does not diminish you to be respectful, it actually gives you value and strength and a position of leadership.

He who is friendly:

Let me ask you a question first; when was the last time you respected and valued a person who was totally unapproachable? If you are like me, then the answer is never. If you are so aloof and inaccessible then you'll get the social graces of respect, but not the heartfelt and deep respect that you have for those who are accessible. Again friendliness with your wife - not just the familial friendliness that so often is seen as shallow and not truly there - with your kids, with your neighbors, and with your daily acquaintances is a builder of character and a builder of respect; in both directions.

Let's face it, as the head of the household the man has to have a large group of people he can go to, to get ideas on how to tackle whatever is in front of him; his latest crisis. If all he has are his own ideas, then he is more likely to make a bad mistake. He cannot shirk the responsibility for making the right decision, but he must have options to choose from in the more delicate matters. Those options come from respected and respectful friends whose input you trust to be impartial and sound in judgment.

He who is caring:

The role of the man, the Macho, in truth is one that is very difficult. Yet, as I was brought up, each of these individual elements were reinforced into my psyche. I had no choice. I had to understand them, the same way my male cousins had to understand them. Our grandfather was the leader of our pack and our parents showed his guiding hand, and now it was our turn to learn from our parents and to have the finer points refined by the experience of a much older grandfather.

He was a very caring man, and from him I learned to care deeply. Yet, caring deeply does not mean you are allowed to sidestep all your other responsibilities. Before I tell this next story, keep in mind that this is Argentina, in the 1960's and not the United States where anyone who did what he did would have been taken to jail for child abuse, rather than congratulated for establishing control and discipline in a simple but effective way.

During the summer, all of us kids spent a lot of time at his cattle ranch and worked with the ranch hands to learn the meaning of work. My cousin and I got into a huge fist fight and we were probably 10 and 11 years old. Fists were flying, punches were landing and with our size they were doing some damage. My aunt and uncle and grandmother tried to break us up, but we found our way to each other. The situation, viewed from their end was getting out of control.

Our grandfather went to the house, grabbed his whip (typically used for cattle) and said in a calm but firm voice I can here to this day; Basta (translates to Enough)! With that one word and a few seconds for it to register, he drew back the whip and proceeded to land two perfect shots across our rebellious rear ends. He then rolled the whip up, and walked into the house, returning without anger and sat down to talk to both of us. He cared and was not about to allow to little hooligans to throw the family reunion into chaos. He sat us both beside him settled whatever the issue was and we were both sent to the room we shared with the admonition that we must find a way to fix arguments without fists.

It has been clear to me throughout all the years, that his calm yet forceful approach was a very caring gesture to all of us. Whenever he said "Basta" again, all of us kids listened even when he simply whispered it in the middle of a verbal fight escalating towards a fist fight.

He showed all of the characteristics of a true Macho (male) as opposed to a true Hembra (female). The roles are very different and he understood that he, not the women in the family, had to handle it in a dignified way (not uselessly screaming to the children to stop), had to show respect and get respect (one tap from a whip, not a lashing in anger), had to protect the sanctity of the home and the family reunion, had the responsibility to let others try and upon their failure exercise his familial authority, had to be nurturing because if he just left it go the scars upon everyone were going to be significantly worse and had to teach us to pay attention to authority, and he certainly had to be friendly thus not loose his temper which would have aggravated the situation for all.

He who is sensitive:

A macho has to be sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. He has to get to know each person deeply and clearly so that the mutual respect is there and free communication exists and thus allows him to handle the situations. If he is a dictator, he'll never achieve the level of communication that is necessary, nor is he ever going to achieve the trust necessary to guide a family. In the previous example, think of the level of sensitivity that man (our grandfather) had to have to quickly and properly end a fight like that.

He who is trustful:

Trust is a foundation that is built through years of communication and proper actions that are predictable and commensurate with the events at hand. To be the head (the true head) of a household one must have earned the respect of those in the family and they must know that when everything else does not look too good, the man of the family has to make the hard choices and never overstep his bounds (socially, financially, or emotionally).

He who provides:

In Argentina it was a very easy lesson to learn. There are no government programs that help you find a house if you are too poor, or feed you either. In a third world country you learn that as the man of the house, you must provide for your family: the house they live in, the food they eat, and the security to sleep safe and sound at night: because if you don't provide it, no one else will.

I don't see a difference in what I've defined here as the role and responsibility of a Macho (a man who is ready to be head of his household) and a Dominant - whether male or female. I believe a Dominant has the same characteristics and the willingness to accept the responsibilities of being a Man and the head of his household; unequivocally, unmistakably and unerringly.

I'd truly like to hear your comments on this…

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