Guilt & Redemption Ch. 05

As Ali and I walked back along the Thames path to Evensong, I had a chance to ask the questions which were burning inside me.

The main one was best expressed as a warning to her about me, before she got too involved, so gripping my courage with both hands, I drew it out from the depths of my insecurities:

"Ali", I said hesitantly, "is, is this for real? What is it that you want? I, I have never had a proper relationship." And then the words and thoughts mixed themselves up as they tumbled out, pellmell.

"I have never dated, Ali, I have no bloody idea about anything that you and others take for granted, and I am damaged goods on a major scale. And what about your Bishop and your congregation? Are you even allowed to date me?"

And even that word triggered a major tsunami of insecurities.

"Oh golly! Do you even want to date me? Did I misunderstand? Oh gosh, Ali, sorry for babbling."

Ali stopped us in our tracks and looked down at me from her full height (5' 9") and smiled, squeezing my hand.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you are utterly adorable when you babble, little one?"

I felt myself blushing. Had I got it wrong? My confusion clearly showed in my face and I was about to begin another round of babbling when she cut me short:

"Pixie, shut up for a moment, there's a darling."

I stopped what I was about to say, and listened.

"My bishop is a woman who is as sensible about this as my congregation. As long as we are discreet, there is no impediment Pixie. As for you not dating, so what? You can learn how. I'd never want to move faster than you felt comfortable with. We have only just met, and I want one thing only, which is to get to know you better."

I must have breathed a sigh of relief, as she smiled at me and squeezed my paw again:

"So stop worrying little one, we have time." Then, with a wicked smile which made me go all warm inside, she added, "and I'll get into your knickers when I know more about who is in them."

At which point something I will never forget happened.

She leant down and kissed me on the lips.

My arms went round her neck, and I went into tippy toes mode so she didn't have to bend. Her lips felt so good, and I felt myself melt inside. Something changed.

As our lips met, I felt little bolts of electricity shoot through me. I looked into her eyes and saw a thing I had never seen before, but which I knew to be more than just kindness. It was an epiphany. She actually liked me. She wanted to get to know me. She didn't just want to get into my knickers (though the fact that she saw that as a longer-term goal reassured me that she wanted a full relationship).

As I stood down, I smiled at her.

"So, and sorry to be dim, but I am not good at multi-tasking. Are you saying you want a relationship with me?"

Ali laughed out loud and bent and kissed my forehead.

"Oh little one, you are so bloody adorable; how come you are still available?"

"Oh", I replied, retreating into a familiar mode, "that's because the market for flat-chested midgets is not a strong one."

"Silly girl", she laughed, "who told you that love started with physicality? Love is generous, love is kind, love sees your heart - and just from the last few hours, I want to get to know you better because your heart is a loving one - and just so you know, I think you are a petite hottie."

I was stunned, and my emotions were in such a whirl that I could not even begin to process them. All I knew is that this felt good in a way nothing had ever felt good for me. I wanted, no needed, time to do my usual thing, of giving names to emotions so I knew how to deal with them. But, well, listening to Ali, who was gorgeous, describe me as a "hottie", made parts of me fizz.

Ali pulled me along, as I was in a daze. I was not conscious of anything except her hand in mine. I felt detached from my body - as though I was above it, looking down on this tall woman with the red hair, holding the paw of this petite one who was clutching her hand as a drowning woman clutches a lifebelt. It was a vignette which warmed my heart. Whoever they were, they looked sweet, and it seemed good.

We reached the Vicarage before I had come down to earth, and Ali was amused that I seemed to need to be told to take my coat off and sit down. As I went to sit in one of the armchairs, she gave a laugh:

"It's safe to sit on the sofa, I don't bite, and it's easier to snuggle. Something tells me you are a good snuggler."

I giggled, finally back to reality.

"Wanna try me?" I smiled broadly.

"Now you mention it! And we do have a bit of time before church. Will you stay for supper?"

"If I can have a snuggle, yes."

"Deal", said Ali, plonking herself down on the sofa. She pulled me to her.

Her body felt soft and warm, and instinctively I snuggled into her breasts, which felt inviting and comforting. I could hear her heart beat, and as she stroked my hair, I felt safe. I knew now why cats purred.

We snuggled together, and the silence of the intimacy was more eloquent than any words; we were comfortable with intimate silence. My usual urge to babble seemed to have gone missing. It was enough to rest safe in her bosom and be stroked.

At last the time came for church, and I crossed over the road with Ali. One of the church wardens from the morning was lighting the candles, having dressed the altar. While Ali vested, she came up to talk.

"You were here earlier weren't you? I am Vera, nice to meet you. Are you a friend of Ali's?"

She seemed nice, in her late fifties I thought, just the warm, motherly type every Vicar needed. I responded accordingly.

"Thanks, I'm Pixie, and yes, Ali and I are friends."

"One of those special friends? Sorry", she added hastily, "being nosy, none of my business."

"It isn't, Vera", came Ali's voice from behind her, "but yes, Pixie is my girlfriend."

My heart swelled. I felt so proud. I'd never been anyone's girlfriend before. It felt good. I smiled thankfully at Ali, who winked back at me.

That carried me though Evensong in a daze. As I prayed, I thanked God for Ali. My morning walk seemed an age away. Then I hadn't even known that Ali was in the world; now I could not imagine a world without her.

After clearing up, Ali and I went back to the vicarage and had a light supper.

"I meant what I said to Vera, Pixie."

Looking up from my poached egg, I gazed adoringly at her.

"You know I have never been anyone's girlfriend before?"

"Assuming you weren't virginal with Ruth, what were you then?"

"Oh golly, Ali, do you take confession?"

"As it happens I do, but let's take this outside the box."

"I was her student, her third-string lover, her, well, I suppose her plaything."

Encouraged by Ali's reaction, which was to say nothing but to lean forward with a smile to take my hand, I spilled the beans.

When she was quite sure I had finished she held me.

After a while she spoke.

"Do you know the difference between love and abuse Pixie? No, can that. Give me an example of you being loved."

I was silent - an unusual occurrence for me.

After what seemed to be an age as my brain wracked my memories for something, and all I could call in evidence was my father helping me with my deposit for my flat. Ali held my hands and looked into my eyes with a look that melted my heart:

"Darling Pixie, money is often given as a substitute for love - but it is not love. I can promise one thing - I will show you what love means."

I flung myself into her bosom. My face was wet.

Again, that silence descended, broken only by noises which seemed to come from me, and the sound of her stroking my hair.

I didn't want the moment to end. When it did she kissed me again, full on the lips, her tongue just playing with mine. I had never felt a moment of such tenderness.

Finally we knew our special day had to end. Given the hour and the walk, she suggested that she drive me back. As we drove, I kept looking at her, not really believing all that had happened that day. Knowing I had a busy Monday, and it was her day off, I said that she should get back. She was as reluctant as I was, but with a final kiss, let me go.

As I watched the tail lights of her car disappear down the road, I sighed and let myself in. That night sleep was a stranger. At two in the morning I texted her:

Me: "Can you fall in love at first sight? xx"

A moment later my phone pinged:

Ali: "If not then we're both deluding ourselves. Where have you been all my life? xxxx"

Me: "Hiding under a bushel"

Ali: "Matt 5:15-16 [Neither do men light a candle, and put it there ... Let your light shine before men, that. they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven] - do it."

"Me: "Luke 11:36 [If therefore thy whole body be full of light, having no part dark, it shall be wholly full of light, as when the lamp with its bright shining doth give thee light]. What me?"

Ali: "Rev. 2:5 [ Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent] - heed and do."

Me: "You win xxx"

Ali: "That's why I'm the Vicar xxxx"

I giggled to myself. How marvellous to have a girlfriend who could out-quote me on Scripture.

I drifted off to sleep, waking with a start as I realised I only had an hour to shower and get to work. As I dressed speedily, I checked my phone:

Ali: "Love you. Supper at mine 7:30 xxx."

Me: "Yes Ma'am xx."

Ali: "Good girl."

I sent back a smiley emoji.

The day passed in a blur of activities interspersed with pings on my phone. Ali's little heart emojis cheered me through the day. I saw the Dean, Karen at lunch. She looked at me curiously.

"Pix, what's happened?"

"Why?" I asked solemnly.

"Because every time I have seen you today you've had a great big shit-eating grin on your face. Who is she?"

"She?" I queried.

"Pixie, do you imagine anyone here thinks you are straight? It's clear that you are happier than I've ever seen you, so cherchez la femme."

"Oh golly", I spluttered, "it's that obvious is it?"

"What's obvious Pix is that you are happy, which is lovely to see."

I spent the rest of the day in a daze. Several colleagues noticed I seemed happy, and were kind enough to make nice comments.

I was absurdly nervous back at my flat as I prepped for supper. What on earth was I going to wear? in the end I had a quick shower, changed my knickers and put on what I considered to be a rather nice shift dress in a green which complemented my eyes. I was useless with make up, and didn't have anything anyway apart from a little lippy, which I applied sparingly. Deciding that would have to do, I locked the door and set off down the Thames path, with more determination and hope than the day before. Was it really only the previous day that I had met Ali?

It occurred to me that I should take a bottle of wine, so picked up one from the corner shop on my way. Was it the right colour? Was it the right one? And what on earth was I doing?"

All of that kept me occupied as my mind whirled round. As I rang the vicarage doorbell I more than half expected Ali to answer and tell me I had made a mistake, or she had, or that on reflection ... .

"Hi, little one", she beamed, opening the door just as my thought were heading in the gloomiest direction they could find. I loved her eyes. Were they green or brown? They shone for me, and her red hair framed the most beautiful smile. I loved the green summer frock she was wearing, and could hardly help notice her cleavage. Were Vicars allowed to show cleavage, I found myself wondering."

"Stop gawping Pixie", she said, taking the bottle from my frozen grip - and pulling me inside.

I did as she said.

It was a warm enough later summer evening for us to sit out in the garden, where she had laid a table for us. She got us both a glass of wine, and we sat, looking at each other.

"Changed your mind, little one?" She grinned.

"No, goodness no. I was more worried you had."

"Well dump that thought, no way. Now I've discovered you I'm saying 'finders keepers', and keeping you."

I must have actually breathed a sigh of relief, as she smiled sweetly and squeezed my paw:

"So stop worrying my little one."

"I like that", I replied.

"Which bit?" She laughed.

"Oh both bits, the being yours and the being your little one."

"Good," she said, "because you are the cutest little thing I ever saw."

With that, she came to me and raising my chin, kissed me fully on the lips. I melted. If at that point she had made a move, she could have had me in the garden. I half expected it, not sure if it would be a good idea, wholly sure that at that moment I wanted it, and half sure I might regret looking like a slut in the morning.

Pulling away, she devoured me with those deep green/brown eyes:

"I want you so much little one, but I want you so much that I am prepared to wait to consummate the physical side of this until you are more comfortable."

"Do you tell fortunes as well as read minds?" I asked, giggling at how in tune she was with my thoughts.

"Yes - for the right woman. Give me your paw."

Golly, I thought, she even used the same words I used for my hands.

I held out my palm.

Pretending to deep concentration she went into her best chanting the psalms mode:

"You will meet a wise woman with red hair who will change your life, and you will rest with her by still waters and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."

And now she was quoting Mother Julian of Norwich to me!

"I have died and gone to Heaven!" I exclaimed, "how did you know I adore Mother Julian?"

"Because I read your website silly. I am "Sacramentrix" who has been commenting there for the last two years. Oh, and while I am confessing, though you did not tell it me, I went on your uni website and take it your surname is Hoffmann?"

Pleased that she'd been looking me up, and still trying to assimilate the news that we'd been exchanging ideas incognito for two years, a shiver suddenly went down my spine. Did she know? How could she? No?

"Yes, erm why do you ask?"

"Confession time from me, to save you confessing. I've been out of a relationship since just before coming here three years ago, but I have my needs, and I like reading erotic stories. You wouldn't by any chance be 'Pixiehoff' would you?"

I felt myself go deep red. Busted. Oh my goodness, she's going to dump me, I thought.

"Guilty as charged!" I thought, and then giggled at the thought, that I should make a clean breast of it. "Shall I get my coat?"

"Why you silly goose? I adore your stories - and what's more, I have a good idea of what turns you on, little one - like being called 'little one'!"

Blushing, I suddenly realised that, first, she was not about to dump me, and second, that Ali had access to my filthiest fantasies.

With that, she served up the salad niçoise, and we settled down to eat.

She confessed to loving my stories, even telling me that she was the anonymous commentator who had made such good comments on my "Rahab" series. Truly, it was a small world.

I was relieved, and she seemed delighted to have the whole thing out in the open. There was, of course, no reason a Vicar could not read lesbian erotica and get herself off to it, and part of me was thrilled to think I had already given her such pleasure.

"What was the chance of that?" I asked.

"Higher than you might think given the popularity of the Literotica site, my darling. So, any other secrets?"

I confessed that I chilled out in the chat rooms after submitting a story. Ali never had, but said that as long as I was always there for her, she didn't mind my 'playing'." I really had died and gone to lesbian Heaven.

As we had a fruit dessert and coffee, Ali told me more about herself. She'd known she preferred women from the first time her school had a social with the local boys' school when she was sixteen. She'd hated the attempts by the boys to feel her up, and been uncomfortable with her friends confessing over time to their activities with their boyfriends. She'd never even tried with a boy, and at uni had 'come out' and joined the local LGBT+ branch. She'd had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing serious. She'd intended to become an academic, but felt a call from God and had gone to theological college instead.

There she had closely bonded with a fellow student and they had fallen in love. They had had to keep it secret, and there had been a few raised eyebrows, but with help from the Dean they had navigated the rough seas. Then her lover, Lindsey, had decided that she could not deal with the homophobia of hiding her relationship and dropped out, getting a job in university administration in Yorkshire. The strain all that put on their relationship had weakened it, and Ali had not been too shocked when Lindsey admitted she had been seeing another woman who wanted to make 'an honest woman' of her. Ali had even gone to their wedding, which I thought said a lot about her and Lindsay. Since then, she'd had a few dates, but 'nothing serious' apart from an intense physical connection with 'Pixiehoff's' writings.

It was getting chilly.

We went inside.