All Comments on 'Guilt & Redemption Ch. 05'

It doesn't even matter how well it is written, because life itself seems to have written this story.

It is also a good thing that the concept of God is becoming more genderfluid these days.

I wish you all the happiness in the world from the bottom of my heart.

W

...sometimes the grass is greener. Emotionally, Ruth was shallow and a taker, not a giver. Ali appears to be a giver with love a-plenty to offer Pixie. To quote Yeats, "...She [is] more beautiful than thy first love..." I hope that she remains as good for Pixie as she seems to be at the moment.

You bring a tear to my eye, Amadeus, you so understand this. Yes, this is how it happened, well as much as I can sift into a coherent narrative. Thank you for your kind and heartfelt words. I will do one more chapter I think, mainly for you and Maonaigh and other faithful readers. xxx

Thank you Maonaigh. Like Amadeus, you bring a tear to my eye. I wrestled long with whether to write and then whether to publish this. But the encouragement and appreciation of yourselves and others has been such that I went with it. - and I am glad I did xxx

I know you've written yourself into quite a few of your stories, but this one seems even more personal... as though it really happened. I was tempted to post an anonymous comment and sign it "With love to my little one, Ali xx", but decided not to be quite so silly. :)

But seriously, this story is truly magnificent and I have loved every update. Keep up the excellent writing!

Dear Pixiehoff,

It appears you found love via Ali and Ali knows so much about you from writings. The only issue I see is how cautious will Pixie be moving into this relationship with Ali. Only Pixie knows the answer to that question. I took the leap and latched on to my English Teacher and she saved my life..

For me, it took over 20 years to tell my English Teacher about how much she meant to me and how she literally saved my life. When I told my English Teacher (Roberta) about you, she asked me one question do you trust Pixie like you do me? I told Roberta, “Yes” because Pixie works with people like me. She then said, give it try and express your feelings on how you feel about her and her stories. She also stated the worse that can happen, will be for Pixie to request that you no longer correspond with her again.

Oh well, the worst that can happen is to tell the truth and let’s see how Pixie responds to my “Lizzie Syndrome” story, that I wrote for Roberta.

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Dear Roberta

In 1984, I began taking courses at Community College. I planned on completing all subjects and take my English Composition requirements last due to always failing English from grammar school right thru high school. In 1991, the Army however, devised a different plan by eliminating my enlisted position and pushed me into becoming a Warrant Officer. I met all the Warrant Officer prerequisites with the exception 6 credits of College credits. So in the fall of 1991, I had no choice but to enroll and attend English Composition I.

I listened to your ‘riot act” speech by explaining the reading and writing requirements and urging students to drop any additional courses to focus solely on this course. The speech alone convinced me to “get the hell out” but the Army forced me to stay. Then everyone took the writing test to assess our writing skills. I thought I would end up in the writing fundamental class. A man called, a few days later, and told me I passed the writing test and to attend the next class. I said, “are you sure” and he said, “yes, relax, and have a drink”. I attended the next class and stayed quiet as a mouse. I attended all classes and completed all the reading, writing, and re-write assignments with no issues. Passing the course appeared to be on track until I selected “Lizzie Borden” as my unanswerable question paper. I had no idea that one paper could spiral a series of events that would last for over 20 years.

I started my “Lizzie” paper by going to the various public libraries to obtain books. A Librarian suggested the New York Times newspaper articles and go to the Boston Public Library to obtain the Boston’s newspaper account of the events and trial. So my Wife (Tricia), my Mom, my Dad, and I went to Boston and obtained the newspapers articles. Tricia and I went to the Fall River Historical Society and took their tour which included the Lizzy Borden artifacts from her trial. I also purchased two books and a calendar that provided timeline of the murder and trail. Now, I had a vast amount of information but not much time to write, with little writing experience, no organizational/prioritization skills to complete a passable paper, and no e-mail capabilities to attach my paper to request assistance. This paper turned in a complete disaster and created my “Lizzie Syndrome.”

The last night of class, I arrived late on purpose. I wanted no one to see or read my paper. My “Lizzie” paper rambled and lacked a supportive guilty or not guilty argument. I felt I failed the course and lost the opportunity to become a Warrant Officer and remain in the Army reserves. During the four weeks off period, I continued to work on my “Lizzie” paper and created an obsession that lasted well into English Composition II, because I wanted to save my job. I finally stopped my “Lizzie” obsession when you scolded me and threatened to drop me, because I failed to put any effort on the required English Composition II assignments. Later, I discovered (through Physiological Doctor visits) the scolding provided a positive impact to get me on track to complete and pass English Composition II and pass the American Literature I summer course. The negative part of scolding created a “Parental-trust” obsession (unknown to you) that lasted for an additional year and created a depression in my marriage, an angered my family.

In 1992, I chose to ignore everyone’s desires to stop seeing you and continued to work with you because you offered to tutor me to focus on improving my grammar skills. I always appreciated you tutoring me during her supper break between your full-time job and teaching at school. Your devotion helped me so much, with my English skills, that I wanted to help you with things that I could help assist you with. Ultimately, my teacher trust-parent trust-friend trust ended in 1993, because m y Wife threatened to leave me, and I began to focus on attending the Warrant School. When I failed the Warrant Course, due to a 50-ounce bottle of Tide, leaking in my foot locker, that turned / stained all my uniforms blue, I returned home and attended Physiological Doctor visits that revealed several key facts with a few I never told anyone.

The Doctor explained to me-

1. I had undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) that school systems felt easier to pass students than to hold them back even though the students failed courses. In my case, I failed English but never considered it failing.

2. The Ritalin prescription would slow my impulse emotions allowing me focus and think things through. However, the Army forced me off the medication by failing my Warrant Officer School physical.

3. My “Lizzie” paper created my first failure emotional experience and the fear of losing my Army reserve job created the obsession to fix the paper at all costs.

4.. My “obsessions” create an “all in or nothing” effort approach and stopped only by the person creating the task. You scolding and threatening to drop me from English Composition II stopped the “Lizzie” task.

5. The scolding generated a “parent-trust” obsession that made me feel safe and not wanting to let go despite generating anger from others.

6. That I needed to attended prioritization/ time management training, stick to the facts, write or voice my statements clearly to complete a task, move forward to the next task, and avoid emotional involvement.

Notes:

1. In 2009, I added write in "Active Voice” to the doctor’s item five criteria list.

2. I found / destroyed that physical paperwork and took a second physical without mentioning my past Ritalin prescription and threw away the entire perception bottle.

For over twenty years, I successfully followed the doctor’s guidelines. I became a “fix it” person because I created programs from scratch and sometimes from other people’s scrap that earned me ten years of continuous active duty deployments upon losing my civilian job in 2003. I passed the Warrant Officer Candidate course in 1995, the Warrant Officer Basic course in 1996, The Advance course in 2007, and the Warrant Officer Staff course in 2014.

However, The Warrant Officer Staff course tested my guideline approach because it required you to give “touchy – feely” responses versus normal “fact” and “yes-no” responses. The course generated two negative emotional responses because the leadership subjects wanted personal experience with descriptive feeling papers. My sister Pat and her daughter Megan helped me through them as best they could. Pat and Megan proof read my papers and edited my paper for clarity. But how I wish reached out to you, because you knew how to analyze my papers for content and as a friend-mentor knew how to make me feel safe writing emotional papers.

My leadership paper required us to research a key Military figure and write about his or her importance. I chose General Stonewall Jackson as my subject. I turned my paper into an unanswerable question format to erase my “Lizzie Borden” failure. I wrote a simple paper, stayed on point, and felt I brought the paper to a successful conclusion. I earned a B- for the paper, because I failed to include detailed leadership traits of Stonewall Jackson. Later, when you read my paper you stated, that I needed to mention Jackson previous battles and tactics to prove that this one man’s ability wins the war for the south. The course offered a re-write opportunity, but I felt that type of paper required additional research and time. I chose to skip the re-write and stay on course. I had no intention of spiraling into another “Lizzie Syndrome” experience and risk failing the course.

I believe the doctor labeled you as parental figure because of my adult status. In my world, I thought of you as a “security blanket” that could take me places and make me feel safe such as Linus’ trusty blanket or Calvin with his imaginary tiger Hobbs. But I had the greatest advantage over both of them; my trusted companion lived and lives today after 20 years of separation. A separation created by my “Lucy” family members encouraging me to “get rid of my blanket”.

For over 20 twenty years, I stayed away but I never forgot about you. your smile and patience that brought me through Alice’s “looking glass” to place my feelings onto paper, to read and comprehend stories without the fear of failing, and finally, how to write complete comprehendible sentences. I learned my most important lesson when you scolded me, because I learned how much you cared about me. You never knew how much pain “Lizzie” caused, that I never failed anything that required passing, that I failed English every year, because I could not sit still long enough to read stories due to my ADD, or my military career depended upon passing two English courses. To you, I looked like a normal student attending classes to receive a grade and move on.

The doctors’ guidelines and your training allowed me to achieve my ultimate military goal: earning my Warrant Officer Commission. For 20 years, I attended courses at Northern Essex and progressive Warrant Officer Courses. I wrote non-emotional, straight forward, fact finding, yes - no (decision) papers, and my power point slides consisted of bullet statements. In 2009, I read upper echelon operational orders (OPORDs), “pulled out” our Commands’ mission, and then wrote our Commands’ OPORD. I received a lot of red marks on my first papers and the comments “change to active voice”. I saw those words in my sleep. Later, I discovered my papers received less red marks compared to most. Now, I write everything in ‘active voice” when possible.

When I attended Warrant Officer Staff course in March 2014. I followed my guidelines to perfection until the leadership classes required us to read stories, or other activities, and describe their influences in our professional and personal lives. Now, I needed my trusted teacher because I knew you understood me, my emotional capabilities/ limitations to read stories and place my personal feelings onto papers more than Pat. I realize that my guidelines grew my rational and analytic skills, but I left my emotional and personal feeling skills behind when I severed ties with you. I will attend the Warrant Officer Senior course in November 2015. This will be my final, mandatory, military course. I will have numerous on-line, prerequisite courses to complete again prior to attendance. Most classes will require reading and taking multiple choice tests. There will be some writing assignments. I hope to attend the senior course with a successful game plan but also an opened mind. I want to attend the course with minimal emotional fears.

When I saw you for the first time, I remained calm on the outside but my emotions were in turmoil. When you smiled and hugged me, I did not want to let go of her. It felt so wonderful to hold my teacher-mentor-friend again and her smile looked so beautiful. I know with your help; I will pass the senior course by practicing reading and writing papers that incorporate my feelings and personal experiences without the fear of failing. I am a different person now. I Know I am a better person today than I was in 1991 thru 1993. All because of you my dear and most trusted- blanket and friend Roberta.

Love Always your Friend

Jeff

Foot Notes:

1. In May 2015, I graduated from the Community College, with two Associate Degrees and the College wrote a story about Roberta and me.

2. In January 2016, I completed the Warrant Officer Senior course.

3. In January 2016, I started a new Government job that would allow me to retire from the Army Reserves without losing my new position.

4. My 5 ½ years, of serving overseas in combat zones dropped my retirement and from age 60 to 54 ½ years old.

5. In June of 2016, I retired from the Army Reserves and receive a Twenty 20 pension for 37 years of service (16 active-duty years and 21 reserve years.)

6. on July 31, 2021, I will retire from Government position after 6 years because I bought all my active-duty time back. There is also another reason for my retirement, but I will tell you later.

Thank-you Pixie for reading my story.

Please Stay Healthy and COVID Safe.

Jeff

Thank you, OneAuthor. Yes, this is the closest I have ever come to real, and ai am glad you did not post as Ali - xxx

Jeff, first, thank you for sharing this with me. My story here has not quite reached an end point, but will soon. Your story moved me, and what you call your “Lizzie syndrome” is so recognisable both from my own experience and observing and working with others. I think you have done marvellously well to work through it as you have xx

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The intimacy and vulnerability on offer are precious commodities that our favorite little Pixie has so bravely shared. Such generosity of spirit deserves special commendation.

Cheers to Pixie and Ali!!!!

Cinco Estrellas

Thank you so much anonymous - I am so pleased you enjoyed it x

Oh my goodness, what a perfectly lovely coming together through the self-doubts and low self-esteem. Hopefully Pixie will grow more confident through Ali’s love and their relationship will blossom. Beautifully written, as usual xxx

Thank you my darling Evie. So glad you are with me on the journey. xxx

Just plain beautiful, what's more to say? This is grand!

I am so glad you are enjoying it Cindy xxx

I loved the line: "and I'll get into your knickers when I know more about who is in them."

Pixie finally meets someone worthy of her beauty and character in Ali the Vicar. Ali is someone who is moral, wise and compassionate. Things are looking up for out heroine. A beautiful tale, so enjoyable. xxx

Thank you so much, Jenny, and yes, the ‘redemption’ is underway xxxxx

Beautiful!

Thank you so much, Grant xxxxx

I swear i gotta get use to seeing the same named across stories although not related 2am up reading

X2 - glad you are enjoying

Crying tears of joy for Pixie! What a great story! So well written, I am not able to get enough of this. I know this is repetitive but 5 bright shining 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Ali's compassion and the purity of her feelings for little Pixie make me feel gooey inside. I can feel the pieces of Pixie's shattered heart being slowly stitched back together by Ali's unconditional love. Another gorgeous chapter in this story.

Thank you so much, Katie - hope you get better soon 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟