Heart's Fall

"Jesus Fucking Christ, are you ever going to stop picking Ryu or Ken?"

I picked Akuma just to mess with her.

"It's not my fault you suck with Makoto," I observed, and then smiled as I narrowly evaded a real arm punch from Kerry.

We played the match, and this time she lost really badly. I looked at her and could tell her heart wasn't in it.

"You want to do something else? I can go home if..."

It was technically my PS2 but it moved back and forth between our houses like we both owned it. She had it now because she wanted to play Resident Evil 4 now that I had beaten it.

She shook her head, and then was silent for about half a minute. I turned the PS2 off and lay back on the carpet in her living room. It was comfortable, like our silence. I knew that she was considering something that she wanted to talk to me about. She took her time and really thought things through. I thought faster maybe, but she had a lot of discipline and foresight for someone her age.

"You want to kiss?" she asked, suddenly.

My eyes shot open, and I turned my head, very slowly, to look at her. She laughed.

"Oh my god you should see your face right now."

"So...you were, what, messing with me?" I was pretty hung up about some things when I was growing up. One of them was being big and looming and girls not being interested in me because of that or my other perceived flaws. It wasn't necessarily true, but it bothered me, and she knew it.

"No! Geez, calm the fuck down...I just meant like...we're friends, right?"

"Right," I answered without hesitation.

"So, if like, I fucked up and wrecked your PS2 by dropping it or whatever, we'd still be friends, right?"

"...Right."

"Right. So I'm supposed to go on a date with this dude next week. I mostly agreed to piss my mom off but he's cute and I kind of want to kiss him."

She looked over at me now, kind of serious. Even in my youthful state I could tell that she was worried about my reaction. We had been best friends since forever, but we hadn't really dated yet, and maybe she thought I'd be jealous.

I wasn't. I was more envious that she had someone to make out with and, honestly, happy for her. She had told me recently that she was worried that she was too butch to be attractive, which was kind of ridiculous. Kerry was always beautiful, like her mother.

"Who is it?" I said, curious.

"Jeff Stevens...don't laugh!" she said, unnecessarily. Jeff was kind of a huge nerd but he was a decent guy as far as I knew, and it wasn't like he was hideous or anything.

"I'm not going to laugh. So...if you're dating him, why do you want to kiss me?"

"Practice. Hear me out. If I fuck this up he may not want to see me again, right? And every time I think about kissing him I get kind of fluttery and nervous and I know I'm going to bite his lip or something stupid and then...ugh. But if we kiss each other and we fuck up, who cares? You'll just make fun of me for being a shit kisser and then tell me what to do better. And I'll do the same for you. You're gonna be making out with some good little church girl soon enough."

I doubted that but as it turned out, she was right. She must have known that Judy, who went to my church, was into me. We were dating by the end of the summer. I ended up asking her out but only after I was assured by Kerry that it would go well.

"Hmm...I guess, if it's not gonna be weird afterwards. I don't want it to be weird."

"No...neither do I...so it won't be."

I didn't quite follow her logic but I was thinking about her lips now, and how soft they looked. She licked them then, nervously, and that only added to their appeal. I wasn't really interested in her as a girlfriend, per se, but I could always imagine she was someone else, like Ibuki from Street Fighter.

She scooted over to me next to me, and I sat up. She leaned in and closed her eyes, I did the same. Our lips touched and at first nothing happened. It was pretty much like we each expected the other to do something. It could have been super awkward. Instead, it was magical.

We both sort of relaxed at once and let ourselves do what came naturally. I pressed into her softness and she pushed back. When she pulled away a little I got the hint that I was being too eager and backed up and slowed down, which brought her back to me. When her tongue darted in my mouth I made a little noise in my throat, involuntarily, and she responded, realizing that it was a good idea. Her tongue explored my mouth and I put my hand to her face, very gently and she leaned into it. We got pretty heated pretty fast. After a few minutes of this, we broke off, breathing very heavily.

"Wow," she whispered, "you are not a bad kisser."

After that we transitioned smoothly to making each other friendship bracelets out of string her mom had bought for her. I made Kerry a blue-green pattern that reminded me of the sea, and she made me one that was red and brown, two of my favorite colors. Like autumn leaves. I still have it in my home office.

Kerry and I kissed a few more times before I went home. We both got a bit worked up, but after that day we didn't kiss for a long time and things returned to normal between us. Mostly.

She dated Jeff for a while and I became friends with him. When they broke up for the summer (he was going out of town and neither of them was interested in waiting), it was largely drama free.

Ironically, most of the time with Kerry was drama free. Just not the really important bits.

Later, during the summer I asked her what dating Jeff was like. I mostly asked out of curiosity. I kind of wondered what girls looked for in a date, having not had a 'real' one yet.

"It was fun. He was nice and laid back," she said and then added, after a moment, "but you are a way better kisser."

That still makes me happy.

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Now - That Lovely Girl

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I arrived home to my mom running out and hugging me as soon as I got out of the car. It was good to see her. She was pushing seventy now but she still stayed busy and moved around perfectly well. If I'd let her she would have tried to carry at least one of my bags in for me. It was just her way.

I got inside, got hugged again, then was poured the customary welcome-home cup of coffee. Now was the only part of being home I really dreaded. At least we got it out of the way early.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but is Shanon all right with you being gone for so long? You know you're welcome to stay as long as you want, but..."

"We're not together any more, mom."

Mom knew how I felt about her. I think I'd even told her that I was considering proprosing. Her expression was heartbroken on my behalf.

"Oh my goodness. What happened?"

Of course she'd ask the question that she probably didn't want the answer to.

"She cheated on me, mom. She wanted to try again but...I just don't trust her any more."

"I can't believe it! Shanon, cheat on you?"

She sounded so surprised it was almost accusatory. I could almost hear her saying, 'James what did you do to that poor woman to drive her away?' Nothing mom, she just realized I had no value and decided to move on to my scumbag friend.

"Well, believe it," I said, a little more harshly than I meant, "I'm not making it up. It's been...it's been tough. I don't really want to talk about it but I just needed to get away and I thought coming home was a good idea."

"Of course! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just...you seemed so good together."

"We did," I agreed, "no one was more surprised than me. I just wish...well I wish she would have dumped me earlier. Or better yet, just told me she wasn't serious in the first place. Then we could have at least have ended up friends."

Mom looked a bit perplexed at that last part.

"Oh, honey. She was serious. I'm sure of it. I...I'm not defending her, and I think you were right to break up with her, but I'm sure that at one time she loved you."

I laughed, bitterly.

"Well, that makes one of us. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it right now. I've felt sorry for myself long enough. How's your church stuff going?"

I asked her a ton of questions about her life and got caught up on her and her friends. She was a one-woman force of nature for charities all over town and was a trustee at her church. Even before dad had retired, she'd found a thousand small ways to help her community and insisted that it was selfish because she felt great about giving her time and effort. I wasn't religious, but I respected all of the things that she did.

She brought me leftovers, having already eaten earlier, and some homemade pie, which was naturally delicious. After that I listened to her give me an update of everyone we both knew. One name was conspicuously absent. I didn't ask about Kerry though as it was likely that she was still living on the East Coast with her husband. I'd been thinking about reaching out to her again. Maybe she'd be ok with at least talking on the phone, now that Shanon and I had split. God it would be wonderful to have someone like her to talk to again. I wondered if she had a friend out there who'd taken my place. It was possible, she was very likable. I never found anyone remotely the same, leaving a hole in my life that never quite filled.

I broke out of my own stupor to ask the question that I should have when I first came home.

"How are you doing without dad?"

In some houses this would have been too forward or intrusive. I knew that she wouldn't talk about this aspect of her life without being asked, however. She'd feel like she was inflicting her sadness on me right after I'd lost Shanon. Really though, that was a big part of why I was home, to remind her that she still had family and that she wasn't alone.

She smiled, sadly and reached out for my hand. I took it.

"I'm...I don't know. He would still travel quite a bit, even after going into partial retirement, but the trips were shorter and I went along sometimes. We were spending a great deal of time together. It was real, quality time, too. I never really got a chance to tell you about it, but the last years between us had been wonderful. I miss him. I reach for him every morning when I wake up."

"I'm glad things were better at the end. I'm sorry I wasn't around more for it."

He and I really didn't see eye to eye all that much. My father was, I suppose, a kind man. He treated mom well, mostly. But he neglected her too. She knew it, and it was in the background of our conversation now. She also knew that he made very little time for me. He was well-liked in the community, worked his way up to being an executive at a regional company that sold industrial equipment all over the world. He never had any trouble making new friends, but for whatever reason there was always a coldness to him with me. A reluctance to attend my performances at school or sporting events. Thankfully my mom didn't share that reluctance.

By the time I went to college I had given up on having a close relationship with him. Don't get me wrong, we weren't awful to each other. We didn't fight except for some pretty standard teen rebellion. He was just distant from mom sometimes, and me almost always.

The only part that hurt was seeing him behave as something of a mentor to other kids, my friends included. He was better to Kerry about helping her pick a college then he was with me. He liked having her around and thought that we were a good influence on each other. Hell, he even asked me if I was going to go to the same university as her. I don't want to give you the impression that he was weird with her, it was just like...like he saw something more when he saw us hanging out together. A thing that didn't quite exist, but maybe should have. I didn't understand it, but Kerry didn't have a father figure at home so I was more than happy to share mine.

Mom wasn't as big on us at first. She never told me or even hinted to me that I should stay away from Kerry. She was kind to my best friend too. It really wasn't until we both hit our teens that mom warmed up to her. I think it helped that we were so natural and supportive of each other without ever crossing over to being romantic.

Well, that she knew of, anyway.

After a while I went and took a shower and started getting ready for bed. I generally wasn't a person who stayed up very late, but I was shockingly tired for it being only 8 o'clock. I blamed the travel but I should have been more aware. Depression makes you tired, and this was builting into a big one. If I'd been paying attention, I could have felt it settling on me like poisonous smog.

I woke up on Saturday feeling a bit better. Not precisely well, but relaxed. I saw that my phone had a new voicemail from a number that I didn't recognize. There were texts as well. I looked at one of them.

Please stop ignoring me. We need to talk about this.

Fuck. I blocked that number too. I was shocked that she'd go to these lengths. It may not seem like much to use a different phone when your primary one was blocked, but Shanon was very much about respecting the decisions of others. I guess that didn't apply to exes.

In any case, I figured she just wanted me to forgive her, or listen to a long-winded explanation. I wasn't really into that. I got dressed and went downstairs.

Mom hadn't made breakfast, not exactly, but she had gotten some of her home-made granola out with plain yogurt. I know how that sounds, but her granola was not what you buy at stores. She used plenty of honey and berries, and it was amazing. I smiled and hugged her.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked as she passed me a cup of her patented strong black coffee.

"Yeah. Thanks. Are you working today?"

She was already up and dressed and that usually meant that she had some volunteer work.

"Yes. I hope that's ok. I can cancel some of my normal things if you want...it wouldn't be a big deal."

I shook my head. My plans for the weekend mostly included wandering the neighborhood and town, visiting my dad's grave, and trying not to think of Shanon. I didn't want to disrupt my mom's work, in any case.

"Nah. I'll see you later this evening. You're going to be sick of me by the time the holidays are over."

"Never. I'm just so happy to have you around for a few months. It will be wonderful."

As I drank my coffee and read the news on my phone, she got ready with her typical speed.

"All right, I'm off. Have a great day, and try to relax a bit, all right? Love you"

"I will. Love you to."

She was halfway out the door when she stopped, hesitating.

"You know, that lovely girl got divorced recently. She's staying with her mother."

Then she was gone. I sat there, coffee halfway to my mouth, frozen. Only the sound of the car starting and driving away woke me from my daze.

Jesus mom, way to drop the mic on your way out.

'That lovely girl' was how my mom referred to Kerry. It always had been. When I had been in elementary school, it might have had a cold edge to it, but around middle school it became a term of genuine affection and warmth. It was truly how mom thought of Kerry: lovely on the inside and out.

I didn't have anything like a current number for Kerry, and we weren't friends on Facebook or anything, so I had no idea how to reach her. I could just drop by her mom's house. No, that seemed a bit too presumptuous. I'd ask my mother for details tonight, and then I'd reach out if it seemed appropriate.

I distracted myself in the morning by raking the leaves, cleaning the front and back yards and filling around ten large bags. I'd have to do it again before Thanksgiving but I didn't mind. It was worth it for all the oaks that grew in our yard.

After that I just went for a walk. I let myself wander, taking in the old sights and sounds. I stopped by an old diner for lunch, ate a decent Reuben and some truly excellent lemon meringue, and then went to the cemetery. There was only one in town, and it wasn't exactly well maintained. I would clean up dad's grave if I had to, bringing my own tools if needed.

When I got there, however, it was spotless. Someone had definitely cleaned it recently, probably mom. The other graves had old flowers on them, tiny flags which had gone to tatters, and even some beer cans. Speaking of flowers, there was a rose on his headstone. Just one. Yeah, I guess mom had definitely been here recently. It was still nice to visit, in any case. It was quiet here, and the same river that ran by the downtown ran behind the cemetery, making it seem like a part of life instead of opposed to it.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home and got some basics to make pasta and salad, as well as a six-pack, which frankly felt like some required medicine after last week. Then I watched college football, napped, and got up in time to make dinner by the time mom walked in, all smiles.

"You didn't have to clean the yard or make dinner. You're supposed to be on vacation!"

"This is vacation," I said, laughing. "No meetings or arguments over edits or corrections. No getting badgered to contribute to yet another textbook. Just sweat and distraction. Its perfect."

She got cleaned up and we ate. We talked about nothing important, mostly I listened to her explain the food drive that she'd been working on and the kind of people that they'd been helping. Eventually she asked me about my day, and I told her about visiting dad's grave. Before I could say anything specific, mom surprised me.

"I'm glad you visited. I still can't without breaking down, but I try to get out there once a month. Is the site all right? They let things get so bad there sometimes."

I decided not to get too specific. If she hadn't kept it in shape then who had?

"Yeah. It's actually quite nice."

"Good. I feel awful about it, but I don't want to be a mess in public."

After I cleared the table I did the dishes. I intended to be at least somewhat useful while I was around. I knew I'd find mom in her favorite chair reading in the living room. It was how she preferred to spend her evenings if there was nothing going on with her circle of friends. I decided to do the same but on our ancient but comfortable couch.

I couldn't help but think of the last time I'd been on it with Kerry. My rather heated memory was interrupted by my mother.

"So. Did you visit her house today?"

"I'm sorry. Who are you talking about?"

She snorted.

"Don't play dumb with me, young man. Did you go by Kerry's house? I know that her mother still lives there and that she moved back after the divorce finalized."

I would always be 'young man' to her when I was misbehaving. Never mind that I was officially in my thirties now.

"I didn't. It seemed...I don't know. Presumptuous."

Mom lowered her book at looked at me over her glasses.

"Why would you ever think that? You two were close. Her mother asks about you when we run into each other. You'd be welcome there just like Kerry would be here."

"She stopped talking to me. Well, I mean, she's not ignoring me, but once she got married and I met Shanon, she never really wanted to talk for more than a minute or two. I stopped reaching out. It felt like I was bothering her."

This was the second topic that I didn't want to discuss, and the other way to immediately bring back my depression. Losing my ability to connect with Kerry was almost as bad as if I had to go to her funeral, just dragged out longer. In my head it was further proof of my lack of value. I tried not to dwell on it.

"I don't know why she did. Maybe she was trying to save her marriage. I can tell you that she doesn't that know you're in town, though."

"Why is that?"

"Because if she did, she'd be on my doorstep in twenty minutes, asking me if you were here, just like old times. If you don't trust your judgement, then trust mine. Go see her tomorrow."