Heart's Fall

"Hello," I said, my voice upbeat.

"James? Oh god finally. I'm sorry but I just...please hear me out..."

"Shanon," I said, flatly. I couldn't believe how stupid I was.

"Look, can't we talk? I know...I know I fucked up, ok? I know, but if we could just meet...I know we can work this out..."

She was desperate in a way that I had never heard before. I didn't really understand why. We were done and she had the guy she wanted.

"Why are you doing this, Shanon?"

"Because...because we had something. We have something. I love you. I do...and if you give me a chance I'll prove to you that I'm still..."

"How does Gary feel about you calling me?"

"I'm not seeing him any more. I cut things off. I did it for us. I don't want him...I never did."

"Then why did you fuck him, Shanon? I'm not trying to be cruel, I'm really not. There's just no way I can trust you anymore. You have to know that."

I could hear her crying now. In my mind's eye I could even see her trying to control herself. She hated crying in front of people, it made her feel like she was manipulating them.

"Please...James, I...just meet me for coffee. I'll do..."

"I'm not even in town, Shanon. I'm sorry for the things I said. I truly am. I was hurt and I hurt you. That's how I am. I believe that we had something, but it's broken. If we stayed together, I'd never trust you and you'd resent me and it would end the same way."

"James, I...I just..."

"Talk to someone, Shanon. Just not me. I can't take this. It hurts and I can't take it. I hope that you have a good life. Please don't call me again."

I hung up. Fuck. I felt like a wreck, exactly the same as I had right after she had told me that she'd cheated on me. I would have told her that but it just would have hurt her more, and I no longer wanted revenge. I only wanted to feel better, like before I knew.

No. Even then, I wasn't completely fulfilled. Maybe it was selfish, but I wanted to feel like I used to. Like Kerry made me feel when she looked at me with that simple, adoring, smile.

I heard a noise and saw that mom was looking at me through the screen door. I offered her a wan smile by way of greeting.

"I'm sorry. I came to ask if you'd like some tea and I overheard the end of that. Are you ok?"

I sighed. She could be intrusive if she thought she could help, so this was downright restrained of her.

"No, but I will be. And yeah, I'd love some tea, thank you. Whatever you're having will be good."

Instead of working out, I went inside, got my laptop and did some writing at the kitchen table. If I couldn't have what I wanted then I'd drink my tea and write some escapist trash. My world of fancy, at least, was a place that I didn't feel like this. I didn't even really exist there, I just observed the characters that I wrote, doing the things they did. I even wrote it in third-person so I could keep my distance when bad things happened. When I, the cruel god of this world, hurt them, I could sit back and congratulate them on their ability to survive and grow, without having to feel what they did or feeling responsible for the awful things in their lives. Maybe I'd kill some of them today.

After an hour or so I realized that instead I'd written my main characters something like a good ending. Not a perfect ride off into the sunset, but people who had been hurt by each other or by chance were recovering, finding each other. I couldn't even hurt the people that I'd made up without giving them a chance to be happy. I wondered what kind of psychopath the creator of our world was, to give so many people such bad endings.

I wasn't truly religious anymore, but I believed in some things still. Just not in things that would help those in need. I felt tired from the catharsis, like I'd actually walked alongside them. And, to be honest, a little better too. The odd cast of light in the room let me know that I'd been at it for longer than I'd thought, and that twilight had arrived. I was just thinking how I needed to get the hell outside of my head for a bit when a loud knocking made me jump.

It was at the back door, which was right off of the kitchen. I took a deep breath and stood up, wondering who would use the back door on a Sunday. Knowing that my mother was most likely napping in her room, I decided just to answer it.

Her light brown hair was is in a long ponytail. She was wearing a large earthy red sweater that was loose but hugged her curves and hung low over her waist. Tight, worn jeans completed the ensemble. Her eyes were still that sharp blue and there was an eager little smile on her face, familiar to me as my own. Her ears and face were a bit red from the wind that had picked up in the afternoon and I thought that she should have worn a hat.

"Hey," Kerry said, as though it were over a decade ago and she was just coming over to play some Street Fighter.

I just stood there and blinked for a moment. Her smile went away and her brow furrowed. I saw a duplicate of my own fear of rejection looking back at me. I came back to myself.

Instinctively, perhaps foolishly, I just stepped out and hugged her. She hugged me back, hard. Feeling her warmth against me was, even more than stepping into my old house, like coming home. I finally let her go, but I didn't want to. We stepped back and I was grinning and her smile had come back far wider than before. We were somehow holding each other's hands, but I didn't remember doing that.

"It's good..." I started.

"Yeah. It really is," she said.

"Come on inside, you must be freezing. You want tea? Coffee?"

"I'd like an Irish coffee but something tells me that your mom doesn't have any single malt laying around."

"No, not even communion wine, but we do have some really great fair trade Kenyan blend."

"That sounds great."

I got the coffee out and started the water. This was a french press house, so I had to grind it first. Kerry watched me as I worked. She made no attempt to hide it and it didn't make me self-conscious. If I hadn't been focusing on my task then I'd have been staring at her openly as well.

I turned around and leaned against the counter while we waited for the water to boil. I wanted to walk over just to be closer to her but I resisted. She seemed to want to reconnect right now and I didn't want to ruin anything by being overly eager.

"When did you get back?" she asked.

"Friday night."

She actually looked a little upset.

"You didn't come over on Saturday?"

I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

"I didn't want to just rush over there like a dork. I'd just gotten in and I wasn't even sure you'd be there."

"Didn't your mom say I'd be around?"

"Um. She might have said something like that. To...to be honest, I wasn't sure that you would want to see me. And I didn't want to deal with that right now."

"Why would you think I wouldn't want to see you?"

"The last two years are what made me think that you wouldn't want to see me."

It was a little more direct than I intended and I'm sure that I came off a little harshly, but it was true. She stopped for a minute and looked down at her hands.

"I'm sorry. I know I haven't been a good friend. Things were...well, complex. Can we leave it at that for now? If you still want to know, ask me after I've had something to drink, ok?"

"Fair enough," I said, sighing. "How are you holding up? I mean, after the divorce?"

I expected more frowns but I got a laugh, slightly bitter.

"James, I'm holding up great. I'm stuck here right now, but I'm out of that house, and he's out of my life. Really, seeing you today is the trifecta of awesome."

"I'm sorry that things didn't work out, even if I am benefiting from you being here."

"Thank you. It's not like he's the worst person. He just wasn't who he led me to believe that he was. And when I realized it, we were tied together financially, had a house, and I felt like leaving would be like admitting defeat somehow. I'm so glad we didn't have kids. It would have made this all worse."

"What happened? If it's ok to ask."

"It is. He liked to spend money on women that weren't me. Oh, and fuck them, too, although by the end that was less of a concern. It would all bother me more, but I still have a job, and I'm out of debt, so I consider it a win. Really, if I compare this year to the last five, I'm on an upward trend."

"What a fucking dick," I said, feeling my face grow hot, "I can't believe that he'd do that to you."

I'd never been a guy who was interested in more than one woman at a time, and I really disliked cheating. And of course, I had a hard time seeing any situation in which I'd cheat on someone like Kerry.

"Of course you can't. Because you never would. Also my mom was right, you are swearing now."

There was a trace of the old adoring smile there. It disappeared quickly and I wanted it back. She went on.

"Where's Shanon? Is she not visiting this time?"

There was anxiety, an edge to her voice.

"No. Not ever again, either. We broke up."

"Oh. I'm...actually really surprised. What happened? I mean if you don't want to talk about it..."

"Nah. Its still fresh but I'm not keeping it a secret, at least not from you. She fucked one of my friends."

"Holy fuck, James. What a fucking bitch."

"I mean, she was so...so honest, so straight-forward. I never would have expected it. I probably wouldn't even have known if she hadn't told me. Granted, she did a bad job of it, but still."

I found myself wanting to defend Shanon still.

"How did she tell you? Did you get a text?"

"No. She showed up after work with the guy she was sleeping with and 'they' confessed everything. I know that it wasn't his idea. He'd have just kept it up because she's hot and he'd always wanted to fuck her."

"What the fuck is wrong with her? Oh my god I can't believe this!"

"You seem more upset about this than about your ex-husband cheating on you."

"Well, believe it or not I've had some distance on that. I was super-pissed at the time, and it was ugly, but none of them were...were my friends. That's really low, James. She has to know that. Did she even apologize?"

"Yeah. I told her to get out. That we were through, but I think she must have known that already. She's still fucking calling and texting. I blocked her but she just uses different numbers. I don't know why she's bothering. I'm glad you just showed up, honestly. I didn't want to risk answering again."

"Mom told me you were here so I dropped by on my way back from helping someone move. She obviously wants to work things out with you. Do...do you want to get back with her?"

"A part of me does. A stupid, masochistic, part of me that remembers all the good we had together. The rest of me also remembers the fights we had and the distance that was coming between us. A lot of that was my fault, but we're very different people, cheating aside, and I think it would just end with us really hating each other."

"It's not stupid to want to go back to her."

I laughed.

"Are you saying you approve?"

She looked away from me.

"N..no. I'm just saying. Its obvious she wants you back. And, you know..."

She trailed off into an uncomfortable silence. It was odd, to say the least. A second ago I was sure that Kerry would have beat the crap out of Shanon, and now, she seemed to be encouraging me to try again.

The kettle whistled, making both of us jump. We looked at each other and laughed. I put the water on the coffee and brought the press and the cups to the table, where I sat on the side of the table, close to her but not right beside her, like I really wanted to be.

Her face had a few lines on it, but I wouldn't call them wrinkles. She still looked much younger than someone in her thirties, at least to me. Maybe to me she'd always be that beautiful teenager that I'd fallen in love with. Her eyes were still amazing.

"Stop it," she said, laughing, "you're embarrassing me."

"Are you blushing?"

"No!"

"You totally are! You're blushing!"

"Only because you're looking at me like a weirdo."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a creeper, I just..."

She grew serious.

"You just what?"

It reminded me of a different time, when I'd told the truth and been rewarded for it. Then I had simply been too stunned to lie. Now I told it on purpose.

"I'm just amazed at how beautiful you are. I probably always will be."

She leaned over the corner of the table and kissed me, smooth and fast. I knew exactly how she wanted me to respond and I did. The kiss lingered, but didn't intensify. We kept at it for a little while, then broke off, just looking at each other, in the eyes, inches apart. I was aware that she was breathing more heavily. Who knows where that would have gone if I hadn't heard my mom making a polite noise.

I didn't feel bad about being 'caught,' per se. We were both adults who'd known each other from childhood, and it didn't seem like my mother was surprised or disapproved of us being romantically involved. Kerry jumped back so hard she almost tipped her chair over, which would have been funny if not for the fear on her face, which I found pretty confusing.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," mom said, "I walked in just a moment ago."

"Oh god," Kerry said, "I am so sorry. I just, um..."

"Its fine, dear. At my age I'm not going to start judging two adults for taking comfort in each other."

I don't think either of us expected her to say that.

"Can I get some of that coffee? Then I'll leave you two alone to catch up."

I poured for all of us. Mom wanted hers black as midnight, I used cream, and Kerry liked a ton of milk and sugar in hers. Mom nodded and left, and for a bit we drank our coffee in silence.

"That is just so embarrassing," Kerry said, softly.

"Really? I mean I know when we were kids we kept everything a secret, but now...it just seems odd. Mom made sure I knew that you were in town, she was definitely encouraging me to see you. Hell, your mom seemed to be encouraging me too. If I didn't know any better I'd think that they were conspiring together."

Kerry's eyebrows shot up.

"No. That would just be...too weird. I mean, not that I would mind, its just. Ugh. Can we just say it's a lot to take in right now and change the subject?"

"Sure. You want to get out of here and go for a walk after this?"

"Oh god yes. I don't think I could look your mom in the eye right now."

Kerry's odd embarrassment aside, we finished our coffee and left into the early evening. It was dark already, and the wind made the leaves rustle in the trees. The smell of fall was everywhere.

As we strolled down the little residential street, I reached out and took her hand. She squeezed it and then leaned into my arm, like she used to.

"It's nice just to be here with you, like this."

"Yeah."

"So are we going steady again?"

"Going steady? I don't know," I said with false reticence, "we did just meet...I don't want to seem easy..."

"This is true, but your mom saw us kiss. That has to mean something."

"Speaking of which, why did you get so embarrassed?"

Kerry froze for a moment as I walked a few more steps forward.

"I just...I guess I was still used to us being friends-only in public..."

"I mean, I could understand the secrecy from back in the day. We'd been friends for so long and our parents trusted us and it might have been weird, and we didn't want them separating us or preventing us from being alone together. But now? Are you ashamed to be with me?"

Her expression turned to shock, her eyes wide and earnest.

"No! Never that...just...you know, give me some time, ok? I wouldn't have any trouble being out with you anywhere. In front of my friends or anyone. Its just...well its weird to do in front of your mom. But I won't be weird about it any more, ok? I'll be open. Hell, I'll go on Facebook and change my status if you want me to..."

"That's not necessary. It just used to worry me, when we were kids. Even when we were so close. Even when my dumb teenaged brain wanted to run off and get married with you. I was always a little worried that it was a joke, or that I was just someone to fill the time, and that I was a secret because you were ashamed to be with me."

"No, James. Never. I...I should never have made you keep us secret."

I shook my head.

"Don't feel guilty. I'm talking about what I feel, not what others make me feel. I've had a long time to deal with...that voice."

"That voice?"

"Sorry. That's what I've taken to calling my depression. Its been worse in the last few years, but its under control. I don't think you ever meant to hurt me, not really."

She smiled, warmly, and took my arm again. We started walking in the dark.

"Good. Because to be truthful, I was proud to be your girlfriend. I just didn't want to mess us up."

I believed her. I had to. She was the dawn to the night that my life had become.

We told each other about our lives, our accomplishments, our small victories and minor defeats. Falling into old habits, we took the old route back to her house. Soon we found ourselves at her door.

"You, um, want to come in? Mom flew out tonight and won't be back until tomorrow at the earliest."

Kerry had a small mischievous smile on her face. How could I resist?

"Of course. Maybe we could order some pizza or something, I'm actually pretty hungry."

"If you're ok with it I can make us like a Caesar Salad or something. I do the dressing from scratch."

She must have seen my eyebrows go up. Kerry was never much of a cook. She chuckled as we went in.

"Come on," she said, "if you can become a published historical author, then surely I could have learned some basic culinary skills."

"My apologies," I said, taking my coat off, "my surprise was not meant to offend."

"I have some ideas about how you can make it up to me later..."

Kerry went up on her toes and we kissed again. This time there was no table to prevent her small body from pressing into mine and no one to walk in on us. Her hands were on my back and ass and things intensified quickly. I was starting to kiss her on the neck when she pushed me away. I was already very hard and now a little frustrated. She had a little teasing smile on her lips.

"Patience. You can't have dessert until you finish your salad."

"This is revenge for all the times I used to tease you before I entered you, isn't it?"

"No comment," Kerry said, laughing.

I was forced to admit to her that she did make a good Caesar dressing. We drank wine and flirted casually at her kitchen table. At the end I took our dishes to the sink and started rinsing them. Tradition dictated that since she made the food it was my job to clean up after. I felt her small form press up against me from behind and her hand rubbed my cock, which surged to hardness. I groaned.

"Oh, fuck, Kerry. That feels good."

"Dishes can wait," she said breathily, "It's time for dessert."

I spun in her arms, seeing the old hunger in her eyes. We kissed, hard, like striking flint on steel. Fire caught and I picked her up by her ass so I reach her mouth more easily. She giggled and wrapped her arms around my head. I wanted to carry her to her room but I suddenly wasn't sure if I could wait that long.

"You can still lift me so easily. Even if I have gained a lot of weight."

Now it was my turn to laugh.

"You haven't gained any weight. You're still the size of a baby mouse."

Kerry blushed.

"You'll notice it soon enough..."

"I don't exactly look like I did when I was eighteen either," I said, carrying her up the steps. It reminded me of another time, long ago, although I carried her more like a bride back then.

We were at the door to her room, and I nudged it open with my foot, walked in, and set her down gently on her old bed. She looked up at me, a mix of adoration and nervousness.