Heart's Fall

I disagreed with her optimistic assessment, but then again, I knew I was feeling down, and was probably not thinking entirely straight about such things. I sighed.

"All right, I'll head over tomorrow afternoon."

The rest of the night was peaceful, the sound of the autumn wind making me feel lonesome but nostalgic as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to five new voicemails. Five. No texts at least. I thought about listening but the idea made me feel nauseous. I showered and dressed and went downstairs.

Mother, in her infinite mercy and wisdom, had not asked me to go to church with her but rather had let me sleep in. It was close to eleven now, and I knew she had a standing lunch with a few other couples afterwards so I'd be on my own. I ate a muffin that she'd left for me, then I decided to stop hesitating and just walk over to Kerry's.

I realized that I was being a coward by arriving around lunchtime. I thought that if I ran into her and she was eating, I could just drop my number off and she'd call me if she wanted. No fighting and limited awkwardness. I knew her and her mother weren't church people, but if they went out to eat somewhere I could leave a note or something. That seemed like the best possible option to me. In my mind, Kerry had already coldly told me that she really didn't have the time to talk and I was preparing myself for the long walk back home.

The way was beautiful, though. The gray skies, traditional this time of year, had cleared enough so deep blue was visible. The trees were vibrant and shook in the gentle breeze. It was chill enough that I was glad I wore a sweater but not truly cold. I decided to take the "fast" way over.

Instead of taking streets like civilized people Kerry and I used to cut through two small parks and some unincorporated land that had an old ruined factory on it. It was older and even more decayed, but still there. The path brought back many memories. Running back and forth, getting caught in the rain, holding hands in our junior year as we strolled together, before excitedly making out or more at one of our houses or even in a secluded part of the park.

I arrived entirely too quickly. I couldn't believe how sweaty my palms were. The two-story yellow house was not large, but certainly not downscale. It had clearly been repainted lately, and there was a new heating and cooling unit outside, so hopefully her mom was doing well.

I knocked. I waited for what was probably half a minute, but felt like hours. The door opened. It wasn't Kerry but her mother. For a moment, I thought that I must have made a terrible mistake by coming here.

Kerry's mother looked well. I knew, of course, that her first name was Judith but even then I'd have had a hard time calling her that. When she saw me, though, her reaction almost made me stammer an apology and leave. Her face turned from one of general welcome to shock and then an intense sadness. It happened fast but I'm sure that I didn't make a mistake. For a moment she closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, she was smiling. I was relieved. It was real happiness to see me, the kind of positive surprise that is very hard to fake.

"James. It's so good to see you. I'm sorry for the way I must have looked a moment ago, I was just...well going over some old pictures and they brought back memories."

She stepped out and hugged me, looking me over. I don't know if she had been looking at pictures or not but I wasn't going to push. I was just grateful to be accepted.

"It's good to see you to, uh, Judith. You look amazing. Sorry for just dropping by."

She really did look great. She was just wearing jeans and an old t-shirt, but even in her early fifties she'd turn heads almost anywhere. Her hourglass figure was timeless and her eyes were piercing.

"You look great, too. You never did let your appearance slip, like so many men do when they hit a certain age. And you never, ever need to apologize or call first. You're family here, you know that. But I know why you're here, and unfortunately Kerry isn't here," she must have seen my disappointment, because she quickly added, "but she should be back later this evening. You could leave your number or you could just come back around seven-ish?"

Even after the greeting I had gotten, I didn't really want to surprise my old friend. I wanted to give her a chance to avoid me if that was what she truly wanted.

"Let me just give you my number. She can call if she wants to hang out. I'm going to be in town through the holidays, so she doesn't have to rush."

We chatted for a bit. Judith told me that she'd been promoted to director of midwestern sales, which pleased me. She did work very hard and I'd overheard some of her more intense phone conversations with her superiors and irritated customers. After a few pleasant moments and sharing some of the exiting world of textbook writing and editing, she smiled at me knowingly and disappeared inside. She showed back up with a paperback book and a pen.

"If you're going to talk about what kind of work you do, you should at least share some of the more exciting things. Can I get this autographed?"

She handed me the book and I almost laughed out loud. My mother must have told her. It was something I had written, the first of a series of books. Historical adventure/romance with a bit of horror. I really enjoyed writing them but there was no way they would support me so they were just a hobby, at best. They had a small but devoted following and decent reviews. I honestly never thought I'd run into a reader in my hometown, even if my mom had probably given her a copy.

"Oh god. I can't believe you'd read this guy," I said, signing my name with a little flourish and writing a note about how kind Judith had always been to me, "I hear that he's kind of a jackass."

She laughed, and it was a delightful noise.

"A published author and he swears now! Will wonders never cease?"

I laughed too and handed the book and pen back to her. As I turned to leave, she spoke again.

"James."

"Yes?"

"She really is going to want to see you. I don't know why you're so worried, but I can see that you are. Don't be. You...you both have been through a lot over the last year. Her with the divorce and you with your father. I think you would be good for each other. Like old times."

I smiled at the thought.

"Like old times," I said, wondering if she suspected what that meant to me.

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Then - Hidden Signs

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Middle school ended and Kerry and I became freshmen together. She really started applying herself to sports, paying serious attention to her performance on the soccer field and basketball. I was not a sports guy, but I stayed in shape and I worked out with her sometimes, and helped her run drills when she needed. We both became more serious about our grades, and I started to write for the first time, which became a lifelong habit. Naturally, Kerry was my first reader and critic.

We didn't mean to, but we grew closer. When Kerry broke up with her second boyfriend, Mark, she was messed up for a while. They went out for dinner and fought over something small. Now in an uncomfortable silence, they took a shortcut through a local park, which was deserted at night. About halfway back he tried to kiss her, and she wasn't interested. He grabbed her arm, hard, and pushed her down onto the grass. He might have done worse if a jogger hadn't seen them and run over.

It hit her hard, knowing what kind of guy she was seeing. She had almost certainly been in love with Mark, although I never heard her use the word. She broke up with him over the phone and told him to leave her alone. He kept after her for a while at school, so I told him, a little more firmly. After his nose stopped bleeding he was much more agreeable.

I dated Judy and then broke up with her after I found out she was chatting with some other dude on MSN Messenger. It wasn't anything major, really, and I wasn't into her that much. We both grew up a little and were friends by the end of high school.

I guess its important to mention because it was the first time I remember feeling betrayed by a girl. It's not fair to apply the actions of one person to a group, I know, but after it happens a few times, it gets harder. Every time, I was tempted to try and feel bad about women in general, I reminded myself that was how jackasses thought, and I remembered people like my mom. And, of course, Kerry.

After Judy came two other girls. The first was a really lovely girl who just wanted to make out. We broke up mutually after a few months when I met Beth. Beth and I were together until late fall and were pretty serious until her parents moved in mid-winter.

When Kerry broke up with Mark I was there for her. I held her while she cried, let her sleep at my house when she felt unsafe, and listened to her just talk the whole thing out. When I felt betrayed my Judy, Kerry listened to me vent and then offered to beat her up for me. I declined but it was a nice offer. When Beth left I was much more of a sad wreck, and she listened to me then too, but more than that, she was just there. I don't know how to describe it, except that I needed someone to be around and she was, as much or as little as I needed, no questions asked.

We didn't mean to, but we grew a lot closer. I don't think there was anything that I wouldn't have shared with her by the start of Sophomore year, and I certainly never thought that she'd hold anything back from me. I write that now and I still think it holds true. I'm just less naive than I once was.

The day that I should have been smarter was in early fall, sophomore year. I'd just gotten my first flip phone (a state of the art Nokia Razr) as a "back to school" gift from my dad so I was super excited to get a call on it. I assumed that it was yet another guilt-gift for basically never being around. I'd long given up on having a close relationship with him, so I just decided to appreciate it.

The first call I got was my mom reminding me to get some milk on the way home later that night. I learned early on that the price of this phone was that I became mom's errand boy. It was well worth it.

The second call I got was from Kerry. She spoke calmly, acting as if it was no big deal, but I could hear it. She had the same kind of tremor in her voice that she had when Mark had tried to hurt her. She asked if I could come over if I wasn't too busy. I had plans that night to hang out with some friends of mine and go see a movie, but I cancelled them without telling her. I didn't push over the phone but I just knew that whatever she called about was important, at least to her. So it was important to me too.

She let me in the door and then she hugged me. We had never shied away from physical affection, and we cuddled on the couch when we watched movies or whatever. That alarmed her mom and my dad, respectively, but once they saw that we never really did anything other than that, they stopped making a thing out of it. All that being said, Kerry was not and is not a hugger. At least not as a greeting, so that made me more worried.

"Thanks for coming."

Her voice was soft, her ebullience muted and replaced with a somberness. She couldn't meet my eyes.

Her mom wasn't home so we just went and sat on the couch together. She wasn't ready to speak so I just handed her the chocolate bar that I'd picked up for her on the way over. She just stared at it for a long moment, and then opened it and had a bite before offering me some. I declined, as it looked like she needed the whole thing.

"I can't believe how well you know me. I fucking call you and tell you it's no big deal and you show up with chocolate. I shouldn't ever try to keep anything from you. It's pointless."

"What's up?" I said, finally. Internally I was going a little nuts. I mean, she looked like she was hurting pretty badly and I didn't know why so my depressive writer's brain was making up all sorts of scenarios, each one worse than the last. I didn't guess it, as it turns out.

"I...I don't know if I can talk about it. I know how ridiculous that sounds, calling you here and then acting like a fucking diva, but...the thing is, it's not really my secret to tell. So I don't think I can share it. Not yet anyway. Are you ok with that?"

"Um. Yeah. I can just be here if you need me to. But you know you can tell me anything."

She just smiled, sadly. I put my arm around her and she just leaned into me, almost limp, completely vulnerable. We just sat there for probably a half hour, occasionally saying something to each other but mostly remaining silent. The light outside started to turn that beautiful orange that only seems to exist in your hometown in autumn. When she spoke, she did so hesitantly.

"Do you...do you think something good can come from something bad?"

"Like what?"

"Like...say someone steals something. A car or something big. And they do it knowing its wrong, and they don't feel bad or stop. But then his brother borrows the car to get his wife to the hospital or something. If he didn't have it she wouldn't have made it. God, that is the worst analogy ever."

"No, I think I see what you're getting at. The first guy still did something wrong, but that doesn't mean that his brother did. Especially if he didn't know where the car came from."

Although I wasn't telling her what I thought she wanted to hear, this seemed to brighten her mood a little. But she frowned again.

"But what if, like, it hurt someone, too. Maybe more than one person. What if it hurt you or your mom, for example?"

"Ok, you're losing me. Do you mean like someone kills us and then steals my mom's car or something?"

She laughed.

"No...like say that someone...I dunno, beat you and your mom up, then took your car and gave it to me. I don't know where it came from, and I use it to drive you to school and we become great friends because of it. Is the second thing still good? Or is it ruined because of the first?"

I was totally fucking lost.

"How would I not know you were driving me to school in my own car?"

"Oh my god, I don't know, because we fucking re-painted it or something. In any case, I didn't know it was yours so it was repainted before I got it. Am...am I bad for driving the car?"

It was, for me an easy answer.

"No. Of course not."

"What if...if the thief broke your leg? Or like put your mom in a coma...or..."

I held up my hand to stop her. She was actually looking like she might panic for a minute.

"Even if I died, you'd still be fine. You didn't know, and you were just driving a car. I don't know what this is about but I don't think someone else's sins can fall on you. I mean, the bible says something about it but the bible says a lot of things."

She wasn't religious but I still was.

"It's...its just something that someone in my family did, a while ago. And I didn't know about it, but it really bothered me. Because...he's...they're my ancestor, you know? And if I resulted from that and...wouldn't that make me bad, too?"

"I don't see how. Your like the most perfect girl I know."

I realized right after I said it how it sounded. I hadn't meant it like a romantic thing, just a statement of fact. Of all the girls I knew, she was pretty, smart, and a really good person. It made sense in my head. I was all ready to explain it away when I saw her face.

At first there was a little shock at what I'd said, then a small smile. That was pretty much what I expected. She was used to the way I spoke, and I tried to be very honest with her about almost everything. After that, though, her eyes got really big and her smile went away. There was something a lot like grief in them. Grief in something she'd lost? Or couldn't have? Over something I represented to her? I didn't know. It went away, to be replaced with what I came to think of as her adoring smile. It was in fact the first time I'd ever seen it, and I didn't really understand it. But she wasn't sad or worried, so I was happy.

Then we hugged again, on that couch. The couch that I have so many memories of, before, but especially after this day. The hug lasted too long, but neither of us let go. I was aware of her small breasts pressed against me, and the heat of her body. And then I leaned in and kissed her. For a moment she seemed to be on the verge of pushing me away, stopping me. I thought I'd gone over a line, was ready to apologize, but then she responded. And it was amazing.

It was just like the first time, except both of us were more experienced. If anything, we ebbed and flowed naturally, like we were made for each other, for this very moment. We made out for only a little while this time, but our hands roamed a little. Mine went as far as her ass, and she didn't stop me or complain. Hers ended up tangled in my hair and around my neck. I was pretty much ready for anything in the moment, but she drew back and put her hand on my chest, I stopped. I was worried that she'd be mad but instead she smiled warmly at me.

"That felt nice. Thank you."

It was as sudden as a summer storm and over just as quickly. We looked at each other and then just broke out in laughter. It lasted for a few minutes. I don't know what exactly possessed us in the moment, but by the time I left that night, we were back to pretty much normal. Again, I think we were closer, but neither of us really talked about it, nor was there any awkwardness between us or any attempt us to go farther. For my part, I really didn't want to ruin what we had and I already had my eye on a girl in my history class. I noticed that Kerry was a bit less physical in how she showed me affection for a few weeks, but after that she was cuddling on the couch with me again. I thought of the incident as an aberration. A very emotional moment where we connected. That's all.

I should have asked her again later what she was talking about. I should have asked myself why, after being pretty active in the dating scene for a few years by then, she just stopped going out with guys at all. Instead, I didn't ask any questions at all.

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Now - Reunited

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I grabbed a sandwich from the only deli in town and then walked home, trying to contain the feeling of anticipation that threatened to break out into pure optimism since I knew for sure that Kerry was in town. Despite what her mother had said, I didn't believe that she wanted to see me. I expected a polite, if distant, call, and maybe meeting for lunch at some point. I knew that I would take any opportunity to see her, though, even if it left me feeling a bit down.

When I got home I decided to keep myself busy. There were a number of small things that needed doing around the house. I knew that mom was probably making a list and intended to hire a handyman to do all of it at once. I could save her a bit of money at least. I walked around and made my own list of things that I might need from the hardware store. When that was done I got my dad's tools and started working on things that I could fix right away.

I fixed some bad wiring in a light fixture in the hallway. I took a wobbly end table out to the garage and tightened and braced one leg. I cleaned the filter on the dishwasher. I was busy changing the filter and cleaning other parts of her central air and heating when she got home.

As I expected, she made me stop but was happy. She'd brought me some food as well and I was surprised to be hungry already.

After I ate I was sitting on the porch and thinking of working out when my phone rang.

It was a number that I didn't recognize. I was so looking forward to hearing from Kerry that I answered the phone without thinking about it. It was not her.