Heart's Fall

Daniel,

The last time I wrote to thank you. I want to do so again but I think I can better express my gratitude in person, don't you? Perhaps this time on my knees?

I'm still thinking about last night. I'm going to be thinking about it for a very long time. I hope you feel the same but I suspect that I am kidding myself. I've never been with a man that made me feel like you did, and so effortlessly. I'm sure that I must have seemed like a naive little thing to you, useless except to make sweet noises, but you were amazing.

Even now, when I set out to write, I think about you over me, your weight pressing down on me, crushing me in the most lovely way. I think about you inside me, reaching places that had never been touched before. I think about your mouth exploring me, casually opening me and releasing something inside me that no-one else has.

You were so gentle, so giving, but I felt you were holding something back. Were you worried about hurting me? About bruising my delicate interior? I already love that about you, how much you care and think about my comfort, even when you're taking me.

That being said, I'm may be petite, but I'm stronger than I look. There must be things you want to do to a dirty little girl like me. Maybe things that you can't bring yourself to do to your wife? I hope that whatever you choose to do, it's brutal and delicious.

PS - It's hard to be so close to you and yet so far. Just remember that you can be over here and inside me in just a few minutes, any time you want.

-J

Oh fuck. Finally the picture was building. Was I really this slow? This stupid? I flipped through some more of the letters. They were still intensely sexual and private, but more romantic language was coming through. This was a long term affair.

I felt myself break out in the sweat of anxiety. I was both hopeful and afraid that the writer would use her full name. I took a deep breath and decided to skip to the end of the pile. If there wasn't anything to confirm or dispel my fears then I'd go through dad's laptop. I was in it too deep to walk away now.

Daniel,

I know that you wanted to stop seeing me, but I can't stop thinking of you. I love you. I've never asked you to leave your wife and I never would, but we've been together for so long that to be separated feels like dying. Is it really so wrong to love me? Am I truly that awful?

As you suggested, I've tried seeing other men. I've even slept with one of them. Is that what you want to hear? I don't want to say it. I feel so guilty for it. I feel guilty because while I pretend otherwise, I am yours, forever. You have made me so, and setting me aside hasn't changed that.

I think your conscience is bothering you because you are, at heart, a good man. Not all good men are satisfied with just one woman, however, no matter what a close-minded society tells them. I never want to be a bother to you, and I will never ever tell anyone, no matter your decision, but please consider coming to me. You could make love to me or not, I won't push you. I just need to see you, my love.

This brings me to another, much more delicate problem. I'm keeping this separate because I feel that whatever you do about us, you need to be involved with this situation. Kerry knows.

It's my fault. I'm awful with computers, as you well know. When my home PC wouldn't start up, I asked her to look at it. She fixed it, easily. She was checking to make sure I didn't have a virus when she read one of your older emails that I couldn't bring myself to delete. It was both romantic and explicit, leaving no doubt as to our relationship.

She confronted me about it. It didn't go well. She was in tears all night and I know she called your son yesterday. I don't think she told him, but I do think she needed some reassurance from him that I couldn't give. She seemed to be much better today, although she isn't really speaking to me. They're so close, and it's so natural. I used to worry about him and even resented him a bit, which was unfair. Now I think they've become brother and sister in truth despite the sins and secrets of their parents, and I care for him as your wife cares for our daughter.

I didn't tell her everything, obviously, but I told her that her parents loved each other and she was made from that love. She asked if she was a mistake and I told her that she was unplanned but never a mistake. She clearly feels a great deal of guilt. Your wife is almost a second mother to her now and your son is her best friend. Her existence feels like a betrayal of both of them, although I think she brightens the lives of all around her.

Before this happened she looked up to you and I believe that she still does. You've been her surrogate father for a long time, but now it's time for you to be a real one. I think that if you become just a little more present in her life, this will resolve itself and all will be better off for it. I will be as involved in this process as you want me to be.

Whatever you decide, remember that I love you and I will always care for our daughter.

There wasn't a signature but there didn't need to be. I could read the "from" email address just fine.

Judith.XXXXX@hotmail.com

As much as I wanted to deny it, it all lined up. It was true. All of it.

Kerry's mother was my father's lover. He'd cheated on my mother with her for over two, maybe three decades.

My father was her father.

I'd been fucking my half-sister. I was in love with my half-sister. There was no sense denying it.

And she'd known all about it for years.

* * *

I took the papers and the old black book, leaving the love letters from mom on the desk. I'd give them to her later, after I dealt with this unpleasantness. I felt hollowed out, dead inside. If Shanon's betrayal had hurt me deeply, this dug out my core and killed it. I felt like happiness itself was dead, murdered by the truth.

I put them in an old bag that I'd found, and left quickly, before mom had any chance to notice them. I thought about driving over to Kerry's house but in the end I decided that I needed the calming effect of the walk. I didn't want to end up screaming at anyone over this. I just wanted it to be over so I could drive back to the city and never come back here ever again. Maybe I could move to a new place, where I hadn't been lied to and humiliated, and start again.

Maybe I could live life like my father, fucking women and then rating them like they were meals from fine restaurants. Even that fucking bastard fell in love though, twice. I wanted nothing more to do with love.

I threw out the black book on the way over. I honestly did not want either my mother or Judith to see that.

The trip was much shorter than it should have been. I'm sure it took just as long but it was over too quickly for me to truly calm down, and I remembered little of it. It was like I woke up and I was at the door. I knocked.

Kerry answered, her face lighting up. We were supposed to see each other, but not until the evening. The outside of the house was covered in paper pumpkins and ghosts. The yard even had plastic skeletons that appeared to be crawling from the earth. In the back of my mind I appreciated the creativity.

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you until..."

I walked past her into their living room. I spun on my heel and waited for her to catch up. I'm sure my expression was solemn, if not actually angry. At that moment I was far more sad than angry.

She looked at me, her arms across her chest, concern clear on her face. I wanted to speak but she got to it first.

"What's going on, James? Are you ok."

I laughed. It sounded cold and bitter, like someone else. I ignored it.

"They used to call today Devil's Eve."

"What?"

"The day before Halloween. Some places called it Trick Night or Gate Night, but around here they used to call it Devil's Eve. Seems appropriate to me, given what we've been doing. I came back to return these to your mother."

I held out the bundle of letters. I wanted them out of my hands. They felt like a viper that had bitten me, but instead of killing me mercifully had instead poisoned my life and everything in it.

"What are these?"

She took them and looked at the first one, and her hand went to her mouth. It was almost funny in her shock how much that particular motion made her look like her mother.

"Its easy to see how he fell in love with her. I mean, she's a beautiful and intelligent woman. Like her daughter."

"Oh god, James...please, um...just sit..."

"No. I don't think it's a good idea right now. You've known for what? Decades? It was that day you called me, wasn't it? That was the day you found out?"

"James, I...yes. That was the day I called and asked you to come over. I guess you know why I couldn't tell you."

She sighed and looked deflated.

"I guess I do. So, what? I can only imagine the conversations you and Judith had. Did you laugh at me? At my mother? For being so fucking stupid...for thinking that he loved us."

"No! Of course not, I hated it. I hated lying to you. I hated that she kept it up. I..."

"You never stopped being his little girl though, did you? I always wondered why he treated you better than me, but it didn't bother me. I kind of thought it was nice that you got a father figure at least, and it showed me another side of him. God damn him. The fucking asshole dies and leaves this...this wreck..."

"Oh god, please, sit down. You're scaring me."

I almost got mad at that, but I knew what she meant. Even now she wasn't afraid of me, but afraid for me. I never got this emotional, and when I did...it was always a downhill slope for me. Today was more like a cliff and it was too late to for anything but the ground to stop me.

"That's where she was going that day...when you twisted your ankle? Our first time. My...our father was the one picking her up, right? Oh god."

She nodded, unable to meet my eyes.

"And then we fucked. You fucked me. Your brother."

"Half-brother," she said quickly, almost reflexively.

"I'm your brother, Kerry. We're so goddamn close because we're supposed to be. But we weren't supposed to fuck. That's why you kept us such a fucking secret all these years. Oh my god."

I sank into the couch, my head in my hands.

"I love you, James. That's why I never told you."

"Do you?"

"Yes! How can you doubt it?" she got on her knees in front of me, looking up into my eyes, desperate to reach me, "Think about the last week. Really think about how great it has been between us. Oh god this is what I wanted when I came home. I prayed...I hoped...that you would come home and want to be my friend, at least...or my lover again. I've never stopped loving you."

"I don't believe you."

"What?"

"I just....I just don't trust you...I can't. It's too much."

"No! This isn't a bad lie. It was a necessary one. You've got to understand that..."

"A necessary lie. Listen to yourself."

I stood up and headed towards the door.

"Wait. Please. I love you."

I heard her tears and they crushed me. What kind of man wouldn't be affected by his sister's pleas?

"Out of all the things, the worst isn't that we've committed some sin. It's that you lied to me...for so long. The one person in the entire world I trusted completely. Maybe the last one. I love you too, Kerry, I just don't believe in you."

I walked out, trying not to be weak. I felt a part of me dying and I didn't know how to stop it, so I let it go.

Outside, Kerry's mother had just gotten home, and was carrying a few grocery bags full of candy. She smiled warmly at me.

"James. It's good to see..."

Her words died as she saw my face.

"How...how could you let us be together?"

I wanted to be angry, but it was all gone. I felt for her, for losing my father. I felt for her for falling in love with him in the first place. I felt for Kerry. Maybe she didn't really love me, but I thought she probably cared for me as much as anyone ever did.

She just sighed.

"I'm sorry that you found out."

"Me too, Judith."

I walked off, into the rest of my life. The trip home was much worse than the trip over. I felt every step, every sight reminded me of something that I couldn't have. I had to get out of this town or it would kill me.

I resolved to stay overnight, then leave. I'd tell my mother that Kerry and I split and keep the reason to myself. I'd tell her that there were too many memories for me here and I couldn't stay or come back. She'd understand that. I'd get her to visit me instead. It would have to be enough.

By the time I got home I had some kind of resolve. A plan to get out of here and back to my shitty lonely apartment. Maybe I could still work things out with Shanon. I didn't love her anymore, but she was easy on the eyes and would probably do whatever I wanted in bed, until I grew tired of her. The train of thought sickened me with how easily it came to me.

I guess I had some of my father in me after all.

When I entered the house I saw my mother just hanging up the phone. She still had an old landline cordless phone, and no cell at all. The last small town church lady.

I didn't have to be mind reader to guess who had called her.

She saw me and smiled at me.

"Sit down. I've got the kettle on."

I thought about fighting her. I could see that she knew...something? But what. Maybe Kerry had called and asked her to intercede on her behalf. If so, I'd have to leave tonight. I couldn't deal with my mother's badgering on behalf of her cheating husband's bastard daughter. It was too much.

"Sit," she repeated, more firmly, "we're going to talk about your father and then you can go off and ruin your life however you want."

I blinked. I hadn't heard her talk like this since dad was alive. I sat down, more out of reflexive self-preservation than anything else. In the old days I'd have been in real trouble if I heard that tone. After a short time she came in with two cups of tea. Chamomile, to relax me, with honey in it. When she spoke again she was much more compassionate.

"Drink, that dear. It will help."

"I take it that was Kerry on the phone?"

"No, it was Judith. She told me that you had a fight with her daughter and that Kerry was beside herself. I didn't ask what it was about."

"Good," I said. I didn't want to have to explain what I'd found.

"How stupid do you think I am, exactly?"

I barely managed to avoid spitting tea out.

"Wh...what?"

"I mean, I don't think any less of you for not knowing about your father's affairs, but I certainly did. And, while it may have taken me a while, I learned about Judith too."

I was too stunned to speak. Mom kept this from me too?

"Just listen, then you can yell at me like you probably want to. I found out about Judith...lets see...it was right after you went to college. I knew he had a local mistress, and I suspected it was her, but I wasn't sure until then. Once you and Kerry were at college, he got careless and stupid. I followed him once to her house and then went home. We had quite a talk when he got home late, smelling like her perfume and their...activities."

"I bet," was all I could get out.

She snorted.

"Well. You know your father. He was emotional, like you, but without your moral center. It's made your life harder I think, but you're a better man than he was. I loved him though, and he loved me."

"But...how can you say that after he..."

I trailed off. I didn't have the words.

"After he cheated on me all those times? Humiliated me? Yes, that was how I felt, although I'm certain thats not what he thought of it. I made him tell me the truth, don't you doubt it. He told me about the women out of town, mostly just one-night stands, and that he had stopped decades ago. It had just been me and her since before Kerry was born. He committed to both of us then. That's how he put it."

She laughed, a little bitter, but less so than I would have been.

"What did you do? Did you make him stop seeing her?"

"Oh lord no, honey."

Now I did spit out my tea.

"What? Why not?"

"I didn't feel all that bad for him, but then I thought of Judith. She'd been quite young when they'd started seeing each other. She's a smart woman, much younger than I, who'd gone out and been successful professionally. Personally, however, she'd resigned herself to being your father's mistress, and the mother of his child. Your father loved Judith as he loved me, and he most definitely loved Kerry."

"He loved her more than he loved me," I said, without bitterness. I just accepted it as truth.

"Maybe. He was always proud of you, and was able to admit in his later years that he hadn't been there for you. I don't think he understood how to raise a son. I think he worried you'd end up like him. You did, in some ways."

"So...uh...how did you guys end up staying together?"

"Oh, I told him that there would be no more secrets between us. If he wanted to see his other wife, because honestly that's what she was by then, his wife, then he was free to do so, but he had to tell me. And if he ever lied to me again, I'd dump his ass and never look back. I also added that I'd never try to turn you against him, but that I doubted you would want anything to do with him if the details got out. Then I told him that if I wanted a lover, I'd take one, and that was all there was to it. He could accept it or leave."

"You what?"

The idea of my church-lady mother saying those things, much less actually doing them, was so incongruous with what I knew of her that I didn't even know how to respond. She just smiled and winked at me, though.

"Oh honey, don't worry. I never did. That wasn't the point."

"What, uh, was the point?"

"To put the fear in him. To make him feel a small hint of what I'd been feeling for years. He knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't just jump into bed with someone, but he'd have to do a lot better as a husband if he wanted to be the only man in my life. So he became much more attentive. And, naturally, if somewhat unconventionally, Judith and I became friends."

"All right...so you know...that Kerry is my..."

"Half-sister. Of course."

"And you still..."

"Yes. You were lied to. You were both lied to and it was wrong. But that was a long time ago, and any fool can see how much you love each other, and it isn't the love that siblings have. When you came home after this thing with Shanon, I knew that you would end up with Kerry again. I had thought long and hard about that possibility..."

"And?"

"And what I said to you in the kitchen still stands. At my age, I see two adults finding comfort together. I see the love and affection that they hold for each other. It's so boundless that they can barely hold it in. It's clear to me that any attempt to break them up would be...well it would be unchristian."

Unchristian was the worst thing my mother could imagine being.

"But...we, uh, you know..."

"Had sex? Yes, probably a great deal of it, if you're like your father. Does that bother you?"

I nodded.

"Well, my advice for you is to get over it. If you're worried about the possible downsides of sex with your half-sister then don't have children. Other than that, you're both consenting adults."

I just sat there. I guess since we were both being so honest there was no sense holding back.

"What do I do about trusting her? I love her, mom. I do. More now that when I was a kid, if that's possible. But that's...decades of lying..."

Mom smiled at me, real and benevolent.

"There. That's you. Asking the question, the one that really and truly bothers you. I told you that Judith and I became friends, almost against our will. I spoke to her after I spoke to your father, and explained what I wanted from him and from her. I expected a fight, but what I got was acquiescence and guilt. She truly loved your father, and she knew that he loved both of us. We spoke often about our children, and when he died, well, who else would understand our grief as well as each other. We became a group therapy session of two. We don't agree on everything. In fact, we argue about politics, religion, god, even philosophy. She's such a good debater! Anyway, we do agree on one thing, and that is that our children each represent the best of their respective parents, leaving the worst behind them."