Heart's Fall

"And?"

"And that means that Kerry is trustworthy. I would trust her with my life, if it came to that. Wouldn't you? Right now your head is spinning, your heart is dropping, and I can see it clearly. You need a moment. That's fine. I told Judith to calm her daughter and to tell her to wait. She did lie to you, and you've had a hell of a shock...but if you think for one moment she would deceive you to be with another man or otherwise hurt you, you've lost your mind."

"But how can I..."

"No buts! You know this. You might be denying it to yourself, but Kerry isn't Shanon. She's not so easily fooled or naive about the world. And she isn't selfish like your...her father. I guarantee that lying to you hurt her deeply, and I also guarantee that this awful secret that her parents forced her to carry around kept her from being with you, for a long time. If there's anything truly shameful about this whole thing, anything that I cannot forgive your father, its that you couldn't be with the woman you loved. The woman you were meant for. She lied to be with you, but she also lied because she felt such pain at the truth and she would do anything to protect you from the same pain. She would die for you. That's not something to throw away lightly."

I just sat there, finishing the rest of my tea.

"I'm almost done, now, then I'll leave you be. I'll only add one more thing: Whatever you decide to do, you're still my son and I'll support you. If you want to leave and never come back, then I'll visit you in the city and be happy about it. Just go and take a nap. Let your mind settle. Then make your decision, and you know it will be the right one, and not made in haste."

"All right, that's fair. Will you wake me in a few hours?"

"Of course. I love you, son."

She kissed me on the head and took my empty cup. I stood up and walked up the stairs in a daze. I lay down thinking that there was no way I could possibly nap, but I was asleep in seconds. I dreamed that I was floating down the river, afraid but excited as well. Eager to see what was around the next bend. I woke feeling refreshed if not truly relaxed.

I got up and splashed some water on my face to wake up. It was early evening now, and things were dark outside. Quiet. I could hear the fall wind buffet the house, and hear dry leaves scrape against it.

I texted Kerry.

Meet me down by the bridge in twenty minutes.

I threw on my coat and left without waiting for a response. She'd be there.

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Then - Masks and Tricks

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The Wedding

There were rules about the groom seeing the bride before the wedding, but they didn't apply to the bride's best friend. I knocked on the door of the church office, which was currently serving as the official changing room. Judith peaked around the edge and smiled when she saw me. Having never married, she was at least as happy as her daughter. To my surprise she hugged me, as if I too was her child.

"I'm so glad that you could be here for this. Both of us are, of course, but...it means a lot that you made it."

It was a bit of a trip to be sure, and at a busy time at work, but really, I felt like I had to be there.

"I would never have missed this."

Judith noticed that my attention was behind her.

"Oh, of course. Let me get out of your way. Kerry's all ready, you can have a few minutes."

Judith left and I walked in. I saw Kerry and she looked...amazing. Her dress was off-the-shoulder and she looked like she was going to fall right out of it, in the best way possible. Her hair was braided like she was a princess, and on her wrist...

"That's the bracelet I made for you that day we kissed for the first time."

She laughed.

"Its both old and blue. Bill understands why its important to me."

"Wow," I said, stunned by both the implication and her appearance, "you look absolutely devastating, by the way."

She smiled and slight wetness touched her eyes.

"We're doing traditional, so Bill get's his Best Man and I get my Maid-of-Honor, but I don't have any real place for my best friend."

"I'm fine with just being here. And it's a good excuse to force my dad and I to sit together."

Her smile faltered, just a bit, but came back stronger.

"If you two reconnected...that would be a great wedding present."

"Well, I think we're both gonna try. We've been civil with each other for a year now, and he and mom seem really happy. Oh, I also got you that blender you wanted, so you know I'm not just some cheapskate. You can make soup in it, it's amazing."

She laughed, once more, and then surged forward suddenly and hugged me, sobbing. I cried too, unashamed. We didn't need to talk about her feeling of guilt at marrying someone that wasn't me, or my sadness and jealousy at watching her do it. We didn't need to fight our way through those feelings to the point where she reminded me that I was her best friend and that just being here and accepting her choice was meaningful. Then I would have told her that I was, in fact, happy because she was, and that even if we weren't meant to be together, we'd always love one another. That hug and our tears took the place of needless words.

It was a beautiful ceremony and a wonderful day. Dad and I did get along very well. Others would just say that we'd been friendly, but mom could tell that we were much warmer to one another that we had previously.

Looking back, it really didn't matter that we didn't say anything substantial. Kerry saw us together, and we did reconnect on some level. Nothing quite worked out like we expected, but it remains a pleasant memory.

The Funeral

I was lost and mom was worthless.

I'm not complaining, although it might seem like it. Mom was the center of our family, the glue which held everything together, working hard to keep our love alive. She loved Dad far beyond anything most of her church friends would have understood, and dad returned those feelings. Maybe at the end, he loved her even more.

She was devastated by his death, even though it wasn't a complete surprise. We all knew that he had heart disease, and that the treatments and medications had probably elongated his life by a decade or more. It was still sudden. He dropped dead on the golf course, one minute joking with a friend, the next saying that he didn't feel too well. Then he just fell down and died.

Mom, understandably, called me first, and I came home immediately. Shanon followed on her own, understanding that I had to leave immediately. She promised to bring anything I forgot, so I could get there faster. I still appreciated that, even after how we split. When I got home I found that Mom hadn't done a thing. No funeral scheduling, no decisions about coffins, no important papers signed, no obituary written. Nothing. I understood, completely.

I could tell that Judith had tried to help, and she hadn't left my mom's side, but there were so many decisions that the state and community would only allow families to make. I took care of everything and spent all my available spare time with mom. Mostly in silence. Sometimes we spoke, other times we cried. I loved my father and grieved his loss, but the distance between us became a boon, enabling me to make choices that were best for the living. In some ways my father was very selfless, and I knew that would have been what he wanted.

The day of the funeral is still a blur. I remember two things clearly. Shanon was there to support me, and I remember thinking that I should really marry her, despite the fights and differences. We could work them out. I was sure of it.

The second thing was Kerry. She looked as wrecked as I was, and I could tell that she felt for me. She'd kept her distance from me before this, but that wasn't a surprise. Today, however she hugged me, like she did that day when she called me, like she was always living close to my heart and never left.

"I'm sorry, I love you."

That's all she said. Somehow, it meant more than anything else, and something inside me that has been longing for my first love felt fulfilled. From this point on, when I felt hopeless about ever connecting with Kerry again, I remember the hug. The hug reminded me that her distance may have been temporary and that her feelings were, in some way, endless. Like mine.

I got through it, stayed with mom until she was at least a little less broken, and got back to my life. Time flowed forward.

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Now - All That We Hallow

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Today was a day for facing fears, so I went back out on the bridge when I arrived. Our town had no real nightlife to speak of, especially not near the downtown. It would be more active tomorrow with the children trick-or-treating and the adults getting dressed up for their own parties. I stopped halfway across, leaned a bit on the railing and let the cold wind reinvigorate me. If felt to me like it would rain later.

I tried to stay relaxed, and the heights didn't seem to bother me at first. Then I started wondering if I'd permanently alienated Kerry when I'd confronted her. Would she even show up? I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. Now was not a good time for this. Then I made the mistake of opening my eyes and looking down.

For people with a fear of heights, vertigo is not all that uncommon. My anxieties blended seamlessly together and felt my balance shift and roll. I tried to back away from the railing but instead I started to lean forward, just a bit. It was like watching from outside myself. My body pivoted slightly over the rail. I was still in control, I just had to lean back just a bit. Just a tiny bit and I would be fine. Instead, my foot slipped ever so slightly. I felt myself go past the tipping point, just a hair. I knew that I would be falling now, and that there was nothing that I could do to stop it. I wasn't panicked, oddly, and a little voice told me that this would be a fitting place to die. Like my life was a circle and returning to the river would be appropriate.

My memory of this moment could be inaccurate. My balance was very off and I was intensely anxious. It is likely that my fears colored this experience, but at the time I truly believed that I was going to go over, tumbling into the cold dark.

When strong, small hands grabbed my jacket and pulled me back, stabilizing me, I knew who my savior was. I stepped back and away from the rail, my legs giving out on me completely, the fear taking me again. I landed hard on my ass and sat there, stunned. I realized that my life had just been saved and I wanted to express my gratitude, very much, but I couldn't make my mouth form words. I made a noise kind of like a groan and lay down right there on the cold grating. I thought Kerry would be mad at me, probably thinking I came out here to commit suicide, but she wasn't.

"Hey, look at me."

I did.

"Are you feeling lightheaded? Like you might pass out? Just nod or shake your head, don't try and answer."

I nodded.

"All right. I've got you, ok? I think you've had a panic attack and I'm going take care of you. Just relax. The cold from the metal should help."

It did. I felt her lifting my legs up, which seemed like an odd thing to do but it really did help. I just closed my eyes and tried to relax. After a few minutes, I felt better. I didn't want to speak and have to face my embarrassment, but I wasn't going to let her sit there holding my legs forever.

"You...you can let go now. I think I'm ok, now. I'm sorry."

She lowered my legs, slowly, gently.

"Don't apologize. Instead, just...just promise me that you're not going over any bridges? Or wrecking your car? Or anything like that all right? It's going to be very hard not being with you, but if you died...I don't know. I don't think I would make it, James."

"No. I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm not. I won't pretend that I don't have thoughts sometimes, you know that I do. But I've never acted on them and I never will. I didn't come here to kill myself. In fact I was feeling pretty optimistic before I started to freak out a moment ago."

Kerry knelt beside me and felt my forehead, looking into my eyes with such a crushing sadness that I almost couldn't stand it.

"You could have fooled me. For a moment I really thought you'd called me out here to watch you die."

"I'm so sorry, Kerry. I'd never do that to you."

"Good. I mean I know that you got sad sometimes, when we were young. Are you still taking stuff for it?"

"Yeah, and it works, mostly. You always helped me through it when we were kids. Just by being there."

"I'm here now, too, if you need me. I'm probably the last person you want help from, but..."

"No. You're who I want. I'm sorry for the things I said. "

"Why are you apologizing? I should have told you everything. I didn't want to hurt you or ruin us or get my mom in trouble but I should have told you...especially before we...oh god. Especially before...the first time. After that...it just felt like we...I...had crossed a line and that there was going back."

"I've been doing a lot of thinking about that."

"I bet."

"Yeah. Its how I ended up here. Help me up?"

She looked a little dubious as to whether I could stand on my own, but she stood up and held her hand out. With her help, mostly for stability, I got up. I looked at her closely for the first time that night and I asked myself what I saw. What I really saw, not colored by things our father had done.

I saw a woman who was very alone and who needed her lover. I saw a flawed human being who kept secrets for both selfish and selfless reasons. I saw someone who had been fighting a struggle between attraction and denial, love and lust, for over a decade. Alone. Well, she wouldn't have to any more if she didn't want to.

"Do you still love me? I mean after the shitty things I said to you? And the way I came out here and nearly died in the stupidest way possible."

That made her angry, which brought out her vulgarity. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it warmed my heart a little to hear it.

"What kind of stupid fucking question is that? Of course I love you, you asshole!" she said, angrily, but then it turned to something else, and she put her hand on my chest and said, "And if you want to leave...I'll respect that. I will. I won't be like...her. I just need to know if..."

I took her hand and kissed her on the palm with all of the gratitude of a man reprieved from execution.

"I don't want to leave. I want to stay with you. Here or anywhere, really, so long as you're there. That's about all I'm certain of tonight. If you still want me."

"Oh," she said, simply. Her eyes clouded a bit with tears and I hugged her.

"Come on," I said, "I want to sit with you."

"We can do that somewhere less cold," she said, finally smiling.

"Yeah, but it wouldn't be our bench, would it?"

She took my hand and I led her across the bridge. There was no fear this time.

* * *

We crossed the bridge and turned right down a path that led between some trees and into the small strip of parkland by the river. Soon we were sitting on the lone bench that sat in front of "our" grove. We sat together and she leaned into me. I put my arm around her and pulled her close, and she relaxed, putting her head on my chest.

"Ok," she admitted, "maybe this wasn't the worst idea."

"Do you remember this spot?"

"I can't even believe that you'd have to ask me. Yeah. This was the place we liked to sit and cuddle until there was no one around..."

"...so we could sneak into the grove and fuck like rabbits."

She giggled.

"There's something about you swearing that makes you more adorable. Yeah. So we could fuck like rabbits. Its too cold for that tonight...in case you were having ideas."

"How could I not have ideas? I have all kinds of ideas about you. Pretty much all of them need a bed, or at least a warm floor, though."

"Oh, such a gentleman. Giving me a warm floor before he has his way with me."

I laughed. We were silent for just a bit, sitting there.

"Are you really ok with it?" she asked, finally.

I sighed.

"Is maybe a good answer?"

"It's better than no," she said, hopefully.

"I love you. I can pretend not to, but I love you. And...and I'm torn. You're my sister..."

"Your half-sister," she corrected me, quickly.

"You're my sister," I said again, "and at times in our life I've cared for you like one. I think you treated me like a brother, even before you knew."

"Yeah," she said. She was quiet now, as if still expecting some kind of doom.

"I want you. I want you so badly right now. If you said yes I really would take you back there and fuck you, right now, hard. I would do it and love it and make you cum and never regret it."

She made a little noise in her throat but then looked up at me.

"I sense there's a 'but' coming..."

"Sure there is. There always is. You being my sister...it just feels right. Really right. Like that was the one thing I was missing about you, to really understand you and be the person you need. Also, and I fully understand if this disgusts you, but the idea that I've fucked my sister...it really turns me on."

Kerry's head shot up so fast that I thought she'd get whiplash.

"Re..really? You don't think its sick? Or wrong?"

I shrugged.

"Sure. Part of me does. Part of me will for a while I think. But you're Kerry, and I love you and we were made for each other. I don't want to be apart from you again. I don't want anyone different. I'm not my...our....father. I'm yours and yours alone. Anything else is just a hangup that I'll have to get over."

Kerry let out a deep breath and leaned her face into my chest. She was crying.

"Oh god. Hearing you say that. You don't know. I felt so awful for so long, but eventually I just accepted that I was sick somehow. I found the truth out, and I kept it to myself. For my mom. For you. That's what I told myself. I even told myself that I'd be good, that we'd be close but we didn't need to be lovers, not really. Even if that's all I really wanted."

"You found out the day you called me and wouldn't tell me what was wrong."

"Yeah. God I must have looked crazy."

"No. Not really. It all makes sense to me now. I remember telling you that I didn't think that you carried the sins of your ancestors."

"And now?"

"My answer hasn't changed. I do feel bad that I kissed you, though, while you were vulnerable."

Kerry looked up and faced me, her blue eyes fierce.

"No! Don't ever feel bad about that. That's...that's the best part of that day. To know that you cared for me that deeply, that you would listen to me, understand that it was about me somehow, and then still...still want me. I stopped you, but it was so fucking hard."

"That wasn't the only thing that was hard on that couch..."

She snickered.

"I bet. But really, I wanted to kiss you back. I wanted your hands on my body. I wanted to be in your arms. I knew it was wrong though. Wrong because we shared a farther and wrong because you didn't know about it. So I stopped you and took comfort in seeing how deeply you knew and cared for me. I promised myself I'd be a good older sister to you and look out for you that day."

"What changed?"

"Hmm?"

"Between then and our first time. You weren't just being an older sister in that bathroom."

"No. I wasn't. I won't pretend that I didn't want that. I knew what I would do as soon as you bent down to pick me up in the bath. I hoped that you wouldn't want to resist me when you saw me naked and ready for you."

"God you were so beautiful sitting on that bed. Like a work of art."

"Ok now you're just being cheesy."

"I'm earnest. It's the only way I know how to be with you. But you haven't answered my question."