Heels and Horses

I had one little teensy tiny quirk. Layla hated it, she said I looked too girlie even when I was in flannel. When I would try something new I gave it my full consideration. I would close my eyes, concentrate, I would take a tentative sniff, a small sip, and then let the alcohol move down my throat into my body. I imagined it making its way inside me, thanking me for wearing nylons and heels, thanking me for tasting, for enjoying. The alcohol filling every part of my body. My fingers would linger on my chest, my breasts and I would slowly open my eyes. Usually, Lyla would be watching me, annoyed at my eye shadow, her head shaking, looking at her watch. Tonight when I opened my eyes, feeling my long lashes, the table was quiet, the whole bar was quiet, and the four of them were watching me, the bartender right next to me. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Good?"

"Mmm," I felt my eyes roll, my fingers back on my breasts. "Perfect, thank you. You are a fantastic mixologist," I smiled big, the bartender smiled back, I made a friend for life.

They all went back to their conversation, horses, stables, work, honeymoons.

"I will be right back." I was being cute, I was being kind of tipsy. I had to use the ladies' room. I asked my new friend for directions, he gave me a strawberry, and he pointed down a hall, a long dark hall. It was still quiet, even the bar was still quiet, I saw a digital jukebox, big, took up some of the walls in the little carpeted hall. I put in my credit card and played my favorite album, played my favorite song.

'Honey honey, let me feel it, a-ha, honey honey

Honey honey, don't conceal it, a-ha, honey honey'

My eyes were closed, I leaned against the monitor. I treated music like I did my alcohol, I immersed myself in it. It was my third favorite thing. I felt the bass bounce around my body. My body was telling me I had to tinkle.

I made my way down the hall, the music got lower and the din from behind the door got increasingly louder. There were two swinging doors, they were slightly swaying, I held onto the wall I thought it was me. I was clumsy, I was always knocking things over, missing chairs, knocking into people, I just figured that's what was happening, but it was only the door, the light. I made a face and pushed through.

It was bright.

"Hi, can I help you?" A tall man in a tuxedo was looking down at my breasts. I adjusted, I bit my lip.

"Mmm, I'm sorry just looking for the ladies' room."

"Follow me, my dear." And I did, we went through a kitchen, a dining room, a lobby, maybe a foyer, whatever that was. I found myself in front of a door that said 'Cuarto de Mujeres' in an extravagant script. I went in.

I was slightly dizzy, I could handle my alcohol, I wasn't that worried, I decided I was probably done drinking tonight anyway. I slipped in my heels on the wet floor, a tall Spanish woman grabbed me as I slid closer to one of the stalls.

"Ten cuidado niña hermosa." She said and I smiled, she had a nice dress and I told her, I went and hid in the stall. My phone was ringing.

"Hello."

'Where are you?" It was Lyla.

"In the ladies' room, how can I help you. Ha."

"I will wait 'til you get back, go relieve yourself." She laughed and hung up.

*

I was quite disoriented when I left the restroom, I tried to go the same way I came in but nothing looked familiar and everyone I talked to only spoke Spanish, I felt like I went through a portal to Spain. I was listening to try to hear ABBA, 'Honey, Honey,' if I concentrated maybe I could find my way back following the music. It wasn't working, I walked out into the colored lights of Manhattan, it was brighter from the street lamps, the signs, it was completely different looking than when we originally got here. I went back into the restaurant. I felt confused.

"Need help?" A young woman was looking at me, I was looking at my GPS, making sure I was still in New York.

"Yes, I'm looking for the speakeasy."

"What is it called?"

"Mmm, I don't know. There was a door with a spy hole, a man with a mustache let us in." She smiled at me and shook her head, I could tell she thought I was crazy. I said goodnight and went back outside, my phone rang.

"Where are you?" It was Lyla again, she sounded angry.

"I'm outside, I'm on, hold on..." And I jogged to the corner, jogged in my heels, holding up my dress. A couple of men were watching me. "I'm on Mercer Street and Spring Street."

"Why?"

"Um, I don't know, why not?"

"Ugh, I'm going back to the hotel. I am going to a couple of stables with Roman's sister early tomorrow, she knows Helen from Silver Rock."

"Oh, okay."

"I'm giving Roman your phone number, I'll have him get you. Don't move, okay. Goodnight." And she hung up, she was going back to the hotel, I was alone on the street at night in my blue floor-length dress, I was smiling at two men.

*

I didn't mind the company, the two men were quite good-looking, I think they were gay and I was wondering if they knew I was a crossdresser. I wanted to compare notes as we talked on our corner, I would always remember it.

"Honey, Honey are you gettin' in?" Roman was in a cab, I was surprised, I said thank you to the two men keeping me safe. I invited them to the hotel bar the next night, I would buy them both mint juleps.

I got in the car, "I'm so glad you were in the neighborhood."

He had such a big smile on his face, he seemed very happy to see me again. He complimented me on my dress, the big slit showing off my one beige leg. We drove, I didn't know where we were going, we ended up at a restaurant near the Brooklyn Bridge.

He ordered oysters, clams, lemons, extra bread. "Anything to drink?"

"Mmm, water?"

"Ha, okay." He held my hand, it was nice, it felt like a date. "So you sneak away from us and go off to meet two men."

"I did, I'm sorry." I bit my lip.

"Don't be sorry, you are a big girl you can do whatever you want." I smiled, I thought it was funny he said that, I never felt like a big girl, a grown-up.

"Well, I am happy to be here. Right here with you. I'm starting to have fun." I smiled as he tightened his grip on my hand, he shook it a little. He was looking at me, looking in my eyes, I was hoping my makeup was okay, I was hoping my hair wasn't a mess.

"So I have learned a lot about you tonight."

"Did you?" I was surprised, Lyla never talked about me, ever. Maybe I was wandering around in the restaurant for longer than I thought, I couldn't really remember.

"Let's see," And he put a finger on his chin, he looked off into the distance. He started counting on his fingers. "You love ABBA, you love going out for drinks, you like to disappear, and you like oysters and clams."

"Ha, that's right, you know ALL my secrets."

*

Later that morning, I was in bed, silk sheets, silk nightgown. I was thinking about the past couple of hours, I wasn't making anything up, just going over what happened. I felt an earthquake, the world was moving.

"Barbara, get up for a second."

"What? Oh, what's the matter?"

Layla was on my bed, she was dressed. "I'm going to the stables with Tara and her husband."

"When?"

"Right now, it's five AM."

"Okay."

"Last night after you disappeared, Roman was saying you always do that, how does he know you always do that?"

I got up, I moved my hair out of my face. "I always do what?"

"Disappear? It's almost like he knows you, or knew you. Even Tara, she was talking about you, it was weird." She got off the bed, she shook her head, "Well anyway, I'm going to be gone most of the day. Do you have something planned, another salon visit?"

"No nothing, but it's okay, we came here so you could have fun."

"No we came to the city for you, remember. This was unexpected, I'm sorry." She walked over and moved my hair out of my face. "Try not to leave the hotel, okay?" She left, she closed the door.

I'm a grown-up now, well almost, Roman said so last night. I think I will leave the hotel. I loved last night, I was hoping he called me today so we can have more fun together. We sat so closely together, our knees were touching.

*

The next morning I tried on every outfit I brought with me, I took pictures with New York in the background. I love being a 'woman' even by myself. I was dressed in my sexiest lingerie, heels and stockings, I listened to music, read some magazines, checked my social media accounts. I was always a woman on social media, or a crossdresser, I had no male accounts, I didn't think I ever needed them, my male side was boring and married.

I was thinking, it was nice coming here, I might ask Lyla if I could do this more often, go away by myself, meet people, it was so relaxing and it was helping me focus.

"Hi, can I come in? It's Barbara on 23."

"Of course, come now if you want."

I went to the salon, saw Sonia, she painted my nails pink, she showed me a new way to do my eyes. I wanted to wear my pink dress tonight, it would look like I was going to a prom. I asked her to do something with my hair, it was finally a perfect length, the perfect color and I wanted to wear it up. Maybe she had an idea, maybe I was a teenager going to the prom, going on a date, maybe I will dance with a boy.

I had a matching pink collar hiding the forms, the salon women made me wear the forms higher, they covered the side seam, and added some material to my dress, it looked amazing, perfect. My hair was long and pulled back, they gave me a ponytail extension high on the back of my head. I swung it, it felt so wonderful.

They showed me my new look in their mirror, my lips were so perfect, they were outlined, I loved them, it changed my whole face. It made me so much more feminine, it was amazing. I told them I wanted to learn, I wanted to come back and sit and watch... and learn. I could tell they were starting to fall in love with me, ha, my personality was totally winning them over. They all kept on hugging me, touching my hair.

When I was done Sonia and the girls asked me to get my prom dress, my heels, they wanted to dress me up, they wanted to help me with the pictures. I smiled, they were making me happy that I was alone in the city. I walked back into the salon an hour later, I brought in Prosecco, we had drinks, they all kissed me goodbye, they said they wanted me to move to New York City, hang with them and become a woman full-time. They wanted to introduce me to their parents, and their brothers, they made me giggle.

I was in the elevator, I was going to 23, I didn't care that I had on my cocktail dress, I was cute. It was a silver lace top with a full pink chiffon bottom, I had a white petticoat underneath. The hem landed in the middle of my thighs showing off my nude stockings, showing off the top of the elastic, just a little, enough to be sexy. My heels were chunky sandals, silver, and four inches, I made noise when I walked the hall when I said hello to the people near the ice machine. When I got compliments from the woman cleaning the rooms.

"Chica those are some heels."

I walked the halls again, I couldn't find my room. "I could swear it was here somewhere." I closed my eyes and concentrated, "That's right." I must have turned left instead of right, it didn't matter soon I was inside taking pictures again. I was checking my lips, I was admiring my ponytail, I'm allowed to get a little mixed up when I'm excited. "I wish they put the room number on these key cards though, of course a girl could get lost." I knocked just in case.

*

"Where are you?" Layla was on the phone, she asked me this question a lot. She always needed to know where I was, sometimes she wanted to know what I was doing, and sometimes I told her.

"I'm in the room, listening to music, can you hear it?" I held the phone up.

"I can hear. Roman is going to be looking for you, he is going to take you to dinner, I'll be back kind of late. I'm having so much fun."

"Oh okay. I'm glad you are loving our vacation."

"Are you? It sounds like it. Stay close to Roman tonight I don't want to lose you in New York City."

*

Roman called and when I answered, I told him I was listening to music. I told him I wanted to dance. He was going to come and listen and then dance with me. Then he was going to take me away somewhere. I would let him decide if I stay in my prom dress or not.

Knock, knock.

"Hi, come in." I moved, he walked around me, he smiled, he took my hand and kissed it. He grabbed me around my waist, we moved to the music. Something slow came on and I put my hands on his chest, my cheek on his shoulder. I closed my eyes, I didn't drift, I didn't imagine, we danced it was wonderful.

"You look so good Barbara, I can't wait to show you off."

"Really, you like? It's not silly?" I spun, I showed him the back, I showed him the tops of my stockings.

"No, you look great."

*

We took a car, we went someplace downtown again. I was looking out the window, I was trying to get my bearings. I was bad with East and West, I was even worse with Left and Right. If I was driving and Lyla was in the passenger seat it was easy, in my head I thought 'Lyla is always right.' But if I wasn't driving, I was confused, I had to think about it.

"Are we going East or West?" I looked at Roman, he was holding my hand.

"We are going South." He laughed and kissed my hand again. Our fingers were entwined, my nails looked great and he held me so tight.

We ended up walking around Greenwich Village, it was nice, it was crowded. I didn't even stand out in my dress. We had pizza, I put a couple of napkins on my lap, I didn't want to get my dress or legs messy. We had drinks, I only had two, I didn't want to disappear again. We went to a little Italian coffee and pastry shop, it was quaint, it was still early and there were plenty of tables. We sat in the back.

I smiled at the girls working, they all loved my dress, I told them I loved their brown berets, their smiles, their demeanors. I still felt so young, but wonderful.

"Barbara I noticed that your friend Lyla wears a wedding ring. How about you, are you married?"

We were drinking cappuccinos, he was eating pignoli cookies, I was at a loss for words. I started thinking when I was a kid, a teenager. I was all dressed up. I had on a denim skirt, a pink sweater, I was in a line at a big store at the mall. I was buying a bra, a size C, bigger than I was used to. I just wanted to get home and try it on, it was my biggest concern.

"Cash or charge?" The older woman behind the register asked, I was spacing out, I was nervous. Why was she talking to me, I didn't have any answers. It was six dollars, here I have cash. I gave it to her, she put it in a bag and she walked me outside. She called me car service. I didn't know why I was crying. My mother saw me get out of the car in front of the house, I had on the skirt, I was wearing my A cup bra.

Once in the house, my mother was yelling at me, I had my eyes closed, I promised I wouldn't go out anymore dressed, I didn't tell her I was gonna go out, but only in my head, I was goin' to disappear.

*

"What? I'm sorry."

Roman smiled at me, the table was small and he held my hands. "Barbara, are you okay?"

"Mmm."

"You are so pretty and so nice, I am so happy you and Lyla talked to me the other night."

I took my hand away from him, "I am married."

"That's okay, we're just having coffee."

"I know. It's just... I'm married to Lyla."

*

I asked him to take me back to the hotel. I now didn't feel too good, maybe I was lying to him, maybe I should have told him as I told Lyla years ago about myself. We were quiet in the cab. Moments ago I was having so much fun. The driver made a quick turn and I sort of ended up in Roman's lap. I only weighed about 140 pounds, I was five foot eight. Roman was a big man he had to be over two hundred pounds, I was like nothing on top of him. He got to see my thighs above the stockings again.

I slipped off of him, "I'm sorry." I fixed my dress, I bit my lip. I felt foolish.

"That's okay. Are you alright?"

"Mmm, thank you for keeping me company tonight. Lyla never leaves me alone in the city."

"Aww, do you miss her?"

I scrunched up my face and thought about it. "Um, not really, she has a habit of keeping me unsettled, like I have to figure out what's next. I don't know what's next, do you?"

"No, hardly ever." He smiled.

We got to the hotel, he asked if I wanted to go back to the thirty-third floor. Maybe we could talk. Maybe we could have just one more drink.

I remember this afternoon, I was so happy in my prom dress on the elevator, now I was nervous, we were going up. I was going to tell Roman I was a crossdresser under all this hair, makeup, and fluffy chiffon. I told the girls in the salon, I had to, they saw my breasts.

"Roman, can I show you my boobs?"

"Um, really? Sure." And I did, I showed him the seam, I showed him the nipples, a couple got on the elevator and I showed them too.

"Wow, very nice." They got off ahead of us.

We followed them to the bar, we sat all the way at the end. It was dark, quiet, Roman still wanted to talk to me.

The bartender hurried over. "Hey, Barbara, right?"

"Mmm-mmm."

"Two men were looking for you they said you were going to buy them drinks, then they gave me this card."

I looked at the card, showed Roman, and then put it in my bag. "Thank you. I forgot, but I knew they would come, did you make them mint juleps?"

"I did, they loved them."

"Of course," I smiled which made us happy. Made me forget about the last hour when I was lying, when I was married.

We ordered two more, soon Roman was playing with my hair. "You have such nice hair for a um... an um, for a beautiful girl."

"Ha, thank you, it's real. I had the girls at the salon color it for me." I was looking at him, I felt like he was studying me a little too closely. "Um, please don't be uncomfortable. My therapist is uncomfortable, he called me a deviant once, he gives me weird pamphlets, I hide them or put them under a couple of windshield wipers sometimes. Lyla says he's in our plan." I shrugged and Roman laughed.

"You need a new therapist."

I felt I was rambling, I felt I had to get at least some of this off my silicone chest. "He won't let me come in to talk dressed as a girl either. He also gives me pills, something to help me focus, something to help me change, but I won't take them."

"Really, how come?"

"Mainly because I can't mix them with alcohol. There is nothing better than a mixed drink, especially if someone makes it for you. Especially if they love what they do, take their time, and do it right, I love that. I love it right here" And I pointed to a spot somewhere near my heart, he looked at my breasts. We clinked glasses and we drank our bourbon. I lifted mine to the bartender and he smiled from the other end of the bar.

Roman spun around a little, he moved a little closer to me, he was leaning on the bar his chin on his hand. "You know everyone thinks a mint julep is a lightweight drink?"

"Mmm, little do they know."

He laughed, "That's right."

He dipped his finger into his drink and put it on my lips. He traced. I smiled as he moved from top to bottom, completely covering them. I showed him my teeth, I think he was flirting with me. I didn't really want to ask.

"So how long have you been married." He was now playing with my hair, and still watching my lips, my eyes, very intensely.

"Just over three years. She takes me to New York to, well, dress up. When I'm not with her I've dressed up some of the time anyway. This is me." I giggled. "In my head, I am a perfect teenage girl."

"Wait, how old are you?"

"Don't tell anyone," I lowered my voice, I moved a little closer, "I'm twenty-seven and a half."

He kissed me.

***

'I don't wanna hurt you baby, I don't wanna see you cry