Hell or High Water

My promotion party was in full swing at ten on a Friday night. My best friend Ruby was halfway to lit and was being her usual--friendly--self with my work friends that she doesn't see often.

She'd been telling me for months she was ready to settle down and stop one-night-standing her way through her twenties, and I for one wished she would.

"Cole!" she shrieked and danced across the room to me.

"Cole, sweetie, who's the hottie by the fireplace?"

I looked over and saw my coworker Aiden Flynn talking with my boss. As my boss was seventy and looked every day of his years, I gathered she was asking about Aiden.

"That's my boss, John Robinson."

"No, silly," she said slapping my chest for effect. "The sugar cookie talking to him."

I laughed. She always called guys with blonde hair sugar cookies. She'd done it since we were fifteen and were freshmen in high school.

"That's one of the guys from work. His name's Aiden, and he started with us about six months ago."

I walked away before she asked me to introduce them. The idea of them hooking up was bile inducing.

I started grabbing empties from around my living room when my fraternal twin brother Clayton slapped my back.

"Hey, Bro," he said with a stammer. He was brash and boisterous, yet was one of the best people you could ever meet. He would tear the shirt off his back, wash and dry it, then give it to you perfectly pressed, if you needed it.

"What's up, Big Brother?"

He was 2 minutes older than I, and believe me, I heard about it for the entire twenty-eight years of our lives.

"When are you gonna tell her, Bro? You've got to make a move, and you know that."

"She's not my type and you know it," I sighed and tossed another bottle into the bag.

"That smoke show on legs is everyone's type," he countered and leered at Ruby's red stocking-clad legs.

"Then you can have her, Clay. She's been telling me she wants to settle down."

He laughed. "Dude, if she told you she wants to settle down, that means she wants you to settle her down."

"Whatever," I groaned and walked away to clean up more empty bottles and cans.

It was the age-old battle with Clay. I made the mistake of telling him he couldn't go out with Ruby because I liked her, back when we were in high school, and ten years later he still rides me because I never made a move.

She never liked me the same way, and I enjoyed our friendship, so I never wanted to mess anything up. I let the status quo play out and we all moved on with our lives.

I looked over and saw her talking with Aiden, and she winked at me. I walked on, took the garbage to the can in the garage, and grabbed another Spotted Cow to try and catch a buzz.

"Great party, Cole. See you on Monday, Mister Assistant Vice President."

"Thanks, Mr. Robinson, and thanks for coming. I'll see you bright and early Monday."

I walked my boss to the door and once he left, another of my coworkers opened a bottle of Padron.

"Boss is gone! Shots up!" he shouted and my work group along with some of my other friends cheered, including Ruby. Aiden took that opportunity to walk away.

"Hey, Cole," Aiden said as I handed a package of solo cups to the guy with the Padron.

"That Ruby girl, what's her deal?"

He didn't seem happy to have met her. That was part of Ruby's problem. She was as hot as anyone I'd ever met, yet sometimes she came on too strong and it put off a lot of the more mature guys she met. Especially, after she'd been drinking. Believe it or not, not all guys are looking for one-night stands with easy party girls. Some guys wanted a little more substance.

I laughed, "Not sure what you mean?"

"Do you know her well?" he asked.

"Yeah, she's one of my best friends."

"I'm his bestest best friend," she slurred, appearing behind us. "His life would crumble without my influence."

"Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom," Aiden said and walked off.

"I want to have that man's puppies," she said and plopped into a chair at my breakfast table.

"You two hit it off, huh?" I asked.

"Totally. I was closing the deal when we were interrupted by shots."

I shook my head, "Okay, good luck."

She lifted her glass and took a sip of whatever was hammering her that night.

I caught Aiden out of the corner of my eye waving goodbye to me. He glanced at Ruby and shook his head no. I nodded and winked before he made his way to the door.

"I better go find Aaron," Ruby said after chugging her drink. If she couldn't remember the guy's name, she would have less than the chance she had already blown with him.

She stood and wobbled her way into the living room. I tossed her cup into the trash and resolved to keep an eye on her. She was staying in my guest room, and I knew everyone in my house, but one couldn't be too careful.

By midnight, I had carried a passed-out Ruby to her bed, said goodbye to all of my guests, and had my house in fairly decent condition. Clay had organized most of the group there into hitting a dance club about a mile from my home, and I was glad. I hated partying until late in the night, or early in the morning, depending on your outlook, and Clay knew that. He was a good brother.

I put a bottle of water and a couple of aspirins on the nightstand beside Ruby and made sure she was okay before heading to bed.

*****

I woke up to a text from Aiden at six o'clock.

Hey. I need a fourth for golf at seven. You in?

I groaned and figured I could clean up when I got home. I knew Ruby would never do it. In the time she'd been living with me, she hadn't cleaned except for once, on my birthday, when she couldn't afford a present for me. She'd probably still be asleep when I got home anyway. I texted him I'd be there and made my way into the shower.

I thought about what Clay said and knew in my bones I could never be with Ruby. I loved her like a sister.

I never considered making a move on her and she'd lived with me for two years since her fiancé cheated on her when he got fed up with her partying ways. His parents hated her from day one and set him up with a 'nice girl' from their church. So much for religious people staying faithful.

I remembered when she appeared on my doorstep that rainy night. Earlier, she had walked in on her fiancé getting a blowjob from the girl his parents favored. As she told the story, her diamond engagement ring cut the girl's forehead when Ruby threw it at her.

So, after crying on my shoulder for a weekend, we went to get her stuff out of their apartment, and she moved in with me until she could find a place of her own. I guess she was still looking two years later.

Ruby was a party girl, not necessarily a slut, but if she met a guy she wanted, she didn't hesitate in taking him home for a night. She had a carefree way of moving through life that was, in an odd way, refreshing. I could never do it. I had to make order out of the chaos around me. It was almost a compulsion.

*****

I flicked the ash off my cigar on the tenth tee box. We just had a beer and a hot dog after the ninth hole and Aiden offered a nice Montecristo for the back nine.

"What happened with that girl last night, Cole. Was it Ruby?"

"Yeah, Ruby. Nothing. She's passed out in my guest room as we speak."

"Oh? Well, all right, man. She was good looking."

"No, no. She's my roommate. We're not...we don't hook up."

"Gotcha. She came on a little strong last night, drunk out of her mind," he complained.

"Yeah, she sometimes overdoes it. She's a great girl though. Stable job and all that. She just..."

"Likes to live like she's still in college?"

I laughed, "I guess. She has the same wall we all have when we're drinking. She just doesn't feel it and crashes through it sometimes."

We laughed, and he said, "It's too bad. I thought she was hot, obviously, but she's not what I'm looking for, you know?"

"I know. She's been talking about cutting back and getting serious about life. She's growing up and she'll make some guy a great wife someday. Believe it or not, her biggest dream is to be a mom and have as many kids as she can."

"Really? Are we talking about the same girl? The raven-haired beauty from last night."

I laughed, "Yeah. I've known her since high school. She's a great girl under all that makeup."

He shook his head, "Why aren't you with her?"

"Never considered it. She's like a sister to me, Man. I love her to death, but it's not in the cards for us."

He looked at me as if I were an idiot, then grabbed his driver to hit his tee shot.

*****

I walked in the door and almost fainted from shock. My kitchen was spotless. My appliances were sparkling, and the room smelled like lemon pine-sol.

I walked into the living room, and it was the same. Every surface was cleaned and polished.

"Mom, what are you doing here?" I called out. Who else would have cleaned my house?

Another shock almost knocked me to the floor. Ruby walked out of the hall bathroom wearing a do-rag, grubby t-shirt, and the sexiest spandex shorts I'd ever seen.

"Your mom's not here," she sang.

"Who cleaned then?" I asked. She answered by throwing the rag in her hand at me.

"I did, Jerk."

"Be still my bleeding heart," I mocked. "Thanks, it's just...well, it's not my birthday."

She had her hands on her hips and cocked her head. Then she frowned.

"I guess, you're right. Well, anyway, I wanted to help you out."

I sat and asked, "Okay, what do you want?"

She sat and looked sad.

"Aiden blew me off last night, didn't he?"

I shrugged my shoulders not wanting to tell her the truth.

"You don't have to act like that. I'm sure he did. He didn't like me, but I want him to see a different me. A new me and I need your help."

"With what?"

I didn't want to play matchmaker.

"I want you to teach me how to be the woman Aiden wants."

I laughed. "Honey, I have no idea what kind of woman Aiden wants."

"Well, he certainly didn't want a hot girl who had too much to drink and couldn't hold a conversation with him. He kept talking about some kind of hearings and what I thought of how to fix his tire inflation. I was lost and kept drinking."

I snickered and she got annoyed.

"Don't be a dick, Cole. I'm serious. I want...I need your help."

I looked around my house and took in the effort she put. "All right. I'll tell you what. If you keep my house this clean for the next year, I'll give you some tips."

"No! Not tips. You have to teach me, coach me, or whatever. I don't need tips or pointers. I told you how I was going to settle down, and well, this could be that. Aiden could be the guy to give me my babies."

"You're sure about this? I mean, wouldn't it be better to be yourself and find a man that loves you as that person?"

"I felt so stupid last night when he was talking with me. I'm not an idiot, Cole, I just don't keep up with current events, you know?"

I felt bad for her. She was giving me a desperate vibe that I'd never seen from her. She was usually so bubbly and confident. The woman sitting before me was almost broken. I didn't think Aiden blowing her off should have hurt so bad, but I suppose when one rarely gets turned down, it hurts worse.

"It's going to take more than watching the news, but I'll help you."

She squealed and pulled me into a hug. Her large breasts felt good pressed into my chest. I sighed when I smelled the lemon pine-sol wafting from her body.

*****

I had no idea what kind of girl Aiden wanted, and I certainly wasn't going to ask him. I decided I'd teach her all the things I'd want in a wife. At least I'd have some fun while I molded her into the new person she wished to be.

"I still don't think this is a good idea," I said as I pulled up a movie on demand.

"Cole, I've explained it all to you before. I'll never be able to be with Aiden if I don't change my ways."

I shook my head. "Okay, lesson one. Guys love to throw out movie quotes. We're going to watch all the classics."

She smiled, "I've seen classic movies. Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, Forrest Gump..."

"Forget those. Just watch and enjoy."

Our first movie was Caddyshack. If she were going to date a golfer, like Aiden, she'd hear plenty of lines from Caddyshack thrown out in various situations."

And that was how it began. We binge watched all the "guy" movies I could think of, then as the weeks went on, we watched one each night.

She was great about it. She liked some of them, tolerated most, but hated a few. I was floored that she didn't like any of the Star Wars original trilogy but loved the prequel trilogy. Yikes. She even liked The Godfather Saga, although complained about its length.

Every morning, we ate breakfast together as usual, except we talked about the news of the day. Prior to our social experiment, I would read the news, while she read entertainment gossip. She knew more about the Kardashians and the Horrible Housewives of Wherever, than she did about the Trump or Hunter Biden investigations. She had no idea what caused inflation, nor what caused rising gas prices. She just knew her stuff cost more and it sucked.

She wasn't interested in politics and had no political affiliation--she'd never even voted. I told her that a mature man would like to discuss politics occasionally, especially during election years or when a hot button issue was in the news. She understood and began to get a feel for what was what in Washington.

After a month, she said, "I'd like to go out to dinner, Cole. Somewhere nice."

"Okay, what did you have in mind?"

"I've never gone to a fancy restaurant. I mean, you know I was dirt poor growing up. We couldn't afford to..."

She looked like she was going to cry so I cut her off.

"I'll take you somewhere nice, but I'm surprised no guy's ever taken you to a 'fancy' restaurant before."

"I guess I'm just a cheap chain restaurant kinda girl," she frowned.

I felt so bad for her. How could I not know my friend felt like that about herself?

"Okay, tonight we go all out. I'll see where I can get a table."

"You're the best, Cole," she said and kissed my cheek. She jumped up off the couch and padded off to her room.

I touched the spot where she kissed me and shook my head.

*****

She came downstairs in a stunning little black dress that wasn't too short, nor did it show off to much of her bust.

"That's the look I was going for," she said, referring to my speechless gaze.

Her makeup was perfect and tastefully applied. Her long black hair framed her face with her bangs perfectly straightened. She looked like Cleopatra, and I approved.

For the first time in a decade, my heart leapt for her.

I shook off my dumb stare and said, "You look stunning." I took her hand and kissed the back of it.

"Stop!" she laughed. "It's just my least trashy..."

"Hold it!" I interrupted. "Don't ever talk that way about yourself again. Not in my presence. I've never thought of you that way."

She smiled, "Good, hopefully Aiden will appreciate the new me."

'Aiden,' I thought. The lucky bastard didn't even know how lucky he was going to be.

I offered my arm as we were escorted to our table, and she gladly went along. When we sat, she was surprised to have the host pull her chair out for her, then place her napkin on her lap.

"Jesus, Cole. What are all these forks and spoons for?"

"Work outside in. Salad fork first, then the dinner fork. Soup spoon first on the other side, then the two knives are the salad knife and dinner knife. If you have steak, they'll bring a steak knife with the plate."

"And the glasses?" she asked as a server poured our water.

"Water first, then white wine in the middle, and red wine at the bottom."

"What's this here?" she asked.

"Bread plate with the bread knife."

"Wow," she whispered, seemingly trying to remember what I said.

"Is this plate for appetizers?" she asked.

"No. They will place your plates on top of that one when they serve your courses. If we have an appetizer, they will plate it for you and set it on top of that plate."

She opened her menu and groaned, "I'm sorry, this was a mistake. I can't afford this."

"It's my treat, don't worry about it," I offered.

"No, Cole. I can't let you..."

"We're not arguing about this. You're cleaning my house for another eleven months. Tonight's meal is on me."

"Okay, thank you."

"Would you like to order your wine? Or an appetizer?" The waitress asked as Ruby set her menu down and shook her head no.

I sighed and said, "We'll have the escargot and shrimp cocktail, and a bottle of the Rombauer Chardonnay."

"Excellent choices. I'll be back to take your dinner order."

"Ruby?"

"Hm?" she asked.

"You're thinking of having the risotto aren't you?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"It's the cheapest thing on the menu. You don't have to do that. Order what you'd like to have. I don't mind."

"But everything's so expensive."

"Honey, if money were an issue, we wouldn't be here. I brought you here, please order what you'd like to have."

Her mouth formed a slight grin.

"Well, I've always wanted to try lamb chops."

I smiled and took her hand, "Then lamb chops you'll have."

After the wine steward opened our wine, I did the wine tasting steps my dad taught me when I came of age. Ruby giggled. The steward smiled and poured our glasses.

"That's an advanced lesson for another time. We'll go to Galena and hit a couple of the wineries out that way one Saturday."

"I'd like that," she smiled. "You know I only drink white zinfandel when I have wine."

"Yes, that I do. I think you'll like the wines I order today. I mean, if you can do shots of whisky, you can drink a good Cabernet."

She nodded sadly. I wondered if I came off to harsh.

"Anyway. Would you like salad and soup? One or the other?"

"Just salad. I'll be too stuffed for dinner."

The waitress came back for our dinner orders and after she left I held up my glass to toast.

"To my bestest best friend."

She blushed and clinked my glass.

"You really are the best, Cole. When are you gonna settle down and find a nice girl?"

I shrugged and took a bite of bread. She shook her head in return.

"How do you like the wine?" I asked, changing the subject deftly.

"It's yummy," she chirped.

"I'm glad you like it. Ooh! You're gonna love this," I said, as the server set the escargot on the table.

"What is it?" she asked warily. The small shells should have told her, but I think she was in denial.

"Try one and find out."

The server set one on her plate and smiled as he walked away slowly.

I could see that she was forcing herself out of her comfort zone when she put the small fork into the shell and dug out the deliciousness from inside.

She looked me in the eye when she forced a smile and brought it to her lips.

I smiled when her eyes lit up as she chewed the little pearl of flavor.

"This is good," she said. "What is it?"

"Escargot, cooked in a butter and garlic sauce."

She looked at the shells and said, "Is it little oysters or something?"

"Snails."

She coughed and brought the napkin to her mouth, but she'd already swallowed.

"Snails?" she shrieked. I ate one and nodded affirmatively. That restaurant prepared them fantastically.

I said, "You can't pretend you didn't enjoy it now that you know what it was."

"I guess. I suppose that's raw shrimp, right?"

"No, it's fully cooked. They're just not fried. Try one."

"How do I get the tail off?" she asked quietly.

"Watch me."

I dipped one of the large bottom dwellers into the sauce and ate it slowly.

"See, you pull it off as you hold it with your teeth, or you can just bite it off near the tail, but that wastes some of the good stuff inside."

She ate one and said, "I'm not sure I like the texture, but it tastes good."