History Lesson

"But your boobs got bigger too, right?" I grinned cheekily. She smacked me again, trying not to smile.

"And maybe you have a couple of stretch marks, not that I've noticed, and maybe you've still got a little bit of that baby belly left, again, not that I've noticed. But that just makes you sexier. And that's just your physical attributes. Add in your smile, and your personality... your warmth and..."

I could feel the blood rushing to my face and cleared my throat. "Well. Any man - or woman - who isn't turned on by you is a fool."

Her smile had faded during my little speech, and now she stared at me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just don't want you to ever feel down about yourself."

I could see her eyes welling up again.

"Oh my god Jenny, please don't... I'm sorry, I-"

She grabbed me in a fierce hug. "No, don't ever say you're sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry, I've been so up and down with my feelings, and you've been nothing but patient and caring with me. I don't deserve you."

"Well, uh, that's... that's what friends are for," I half-stammered. "Anyway, you deserve so much more." I gently wiped a few tears from her cheek as I regarded her.

"Thank you," she said, then continued, "I guess I've been feeling sorry for myself. I really thought that Sheila and I were on the same page about Coral, but... she just never wanted... looking back, I realize that she wasn't too keen on having a family. Why couldn't I see that then? I felt so rejected already, and then she just LEFT!" She got a tiny bit weepy again.

I thought about telling her. Telling her why Sheila really left. But now, with her gone, what possible good could come from it?

"But you've been so amazing. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Well, you don't ever have to find out." I gave her a tender smile. She leaned against me, and I wrapped her up in my arms and rubbed her back for a while. Eventually, her breathing evened out, and I noticed she had fallen asleep. We were sitting on the couch, and Jenny was sitting sideways with her legs across my lap, her head on my shoulder and her arms around my neck.

I tried to gently lay her down while sliding out from under her. Without really waking up, she held onto me a little tighter and mumbled protestingly. So, I stayed.

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Sometime later, Jenny stirred, hearing Coral fussing from her crib. She sat up sleepily, then startled slightly to see Ieuan there on the couch beside her, dead to the world. She smiled tenderly at him as she got up and saw to her daughter. "My daughter," she thought, wonderingly, not for the first time. It still didn't seem real.

After Coral was fed, changed, and back down in her crib, Jenny stood in the little hallway, watching him sleep. He had slid down so that he was on his side, back up against the seat cushions. Making up her mind, she returned to the couch and spooned herself against him. He shifted in his sleep and wrapped one arm around her.

She smiled to herself as she drifted back to her dreams.

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Some hours later, I woke up confused, not sure where I was. I thought back to the previous evening, and realized Jenny and I were still on the sofa. There was just the hint of dawn coming through the windows, and at some point during the night we had slid into a spooning position. I was the big spoon, and Jenny was using my left arm for a pillow. I had my right arm wrapped around her, and was apparently rubbing her tummy, very gently.

I must have moved or she sensed the change in my breathing, because I heard her say softly, "Mmmmm, that's nice." I froze and started to pull my hand away, but she grabbed it and put it back on her belly. "Don't stop," she mumbled. "Feels good..."

We lay there for a few minutes, until she suddenly wiggled onto her back. She gazed at me, sleepily. I was still on my side, with one arm under her head, and my other hand still gripped by hers, resting on her stomach. I didn't ever want to move.

"Hello," she whispered.

"Good morning, cariad," I whispered back.

"I think I like it when you speak Welsh to me. You've used that word before; what does it mean?"

Hopefully, she couldn't see my blush in the darkness. "Maybe I'll tell you someday."

"Meanie," she pouted.

Then she said, "You know there's no baby in there, right?" She squeezed my hand for emphasis.

"Umm, yes, sorry."

"'sokay, it feels... comforting?" she looked at me.

I grinned slightly.

"Umm, Ieuan?" She said, still looking directly into my eyes.

I gulped. "Yes?"

"I kinda have to pee."

"Oh, of course, sorry!" I tried to help her but my pillow-arm was completely asleep and useless. Despite that, we somehow scrambled up, giggling at our awkwardness, and she padded off to the bathroom. I watched her as she moved away, transfixed. Damn it, Ieuan! I scrubbed both hands over my face and let out a long breath. I looked down at the tent in my shorts. Wonderful.

Jenny chose that moment to make her way back into the room, still wearing her t-shirt and boy-shorts. Gods, if she knew how sexy she looked just then! I tried not to look, or at least not be too glaringly obvious about it. It did NOT help with my own, umm, situation. As unobtrusively as I could, I slid one of the throw pillows into my lap. Briefly, I wondered, when did I get throw pillows?

I could hear the flush in her voice when she pointed to the floor near my feet. "Uhh, can I have my pants, please?"

"Oh!" I started like a schoolboy. "Certainly, here you are." I tried to keep myself covered with the cushion as I rummaged around on the floor. Naturally, the traitorous thing fell to the floor as I handed her pants to her. She stared, wide-eyed, for a moment, then squeaked out a "Thanks!" and fled to her room.

Great, that went swimmingly, I groaned as I flopped down on the sofa again. I looked over at Hank, who was giving me a long-suffering look.

"Cau dy ben, Hank." I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes at me.

I eventually had to answer the call of nature as well. After I'd flushed, and brushed my teeth, I stood indecisively down the hallway for a second. I tapped gently on her door.

"You ok?"

"Mm hmm, fine," came the indistinct reply.

"Okay, umm... well... I'm just going to go make breakfast, so you can have the shower first?"

"Okay, thanks."

She came to the breakfast table a while later, dressed in sweats, with her hair still in a towel. She wouldn't look at me. I thought I knew what it was.

"Jenny, I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you. Earlier, when I, well..."

She looked down. "It's okay, I know you didn't mean it."

So not true. "Jenny, I'm not sure how to say this. Of course, I'm embarrassed. And sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. But my reaction? It was very much real."

Her eyes came up to meet mine.

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The next evening, we had just finished the clearing up after dinner and were ensconced on the sofa. Coral was asleep in her crib and we listened to her occasional peeps and snuffles through the baby monitor. Somehow our conversation had gotten around to music, and then we began to wonder why well-known artists often covered other people's songs, and that morphed into an amiable argument about whose version of "All Along the Watchtower" was better, Dylan's original or Hendrix's cover. Jenny argued that Dylan's version was more poetic, while I contended that the Hendrix version displayed more raw emotion.

Then my phone rang.

"Rogers! So good to hear from you! Hang on, let me put you on speaker."

"Hi, Rogers!" Jenny said excitedly.

"Good evening my friends! Hope I'm not interrupting anything?" I could hear the slight innuendo, but I ignored it.

Jenny replied, "No, we were just arguing about music. Ieuan thinks Jimi Hendrix's version of "All Along the Watchtower is better."

"Well, Jenny my dear, as much as I love you, I have to agree with Ieuan."

Jenny huffed loudly in mock outrage, as he continued. "And here's why. Dylan himself said that after he heard the Hendrix version, he began to play it that way too. Sorry, darling. Doesn't mean you're wrong to prefer Dylan though."

"Hmmph," was Jenny's well-thought response.

I chuckled. "Rogers, she's sitting here with her arms crossed and her nose in the air."

He laughed, and after a moment, Jenny joined him.

"So, how's Berkeley?"

Rogers went on for ten minutes about the school, the faculty, the students, his apartment, and the Bay Area in general.

As he wound down, I offered, "Sound like the right choice. But then there was never a doubt."

"Yes, it made sense. A position like this... well, it's everything I've worked toward. The only things keeping me there were my friends."

"We're still your friends, Rogers... just a bit further away now. We'll figure something out," I offered.

I heard him take a breath, then with his typical teasing tone, he continued. "How's domestic life working for you two?"

Jenny exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, I had no idea how much work a baby is! They really take over your life, don't they?" But then her tone softened. "She's a perfect baby, though, and I love her so much! I wouldn't trade her for anything. I don't know what I'd do without Ieuan, though." She grabbed my hand.

"I'm happy to hear it, and I'll FaceTime next time so I can see the little angel." I could hear the warmth in his voice.

"Now... I'm sorry to dredge up old wounds, but... I just want to be sure you're okay now? After..."

She paused, gathering her thoughts. "I think... when I first realized she was gone... it was a shock. I mean, how could it not be? I was hysterical! But I realized later that I wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be?" She glanced at me. "I guess the only thing is not knowing why, really. Not having that conversation. She just ran away! Her note talked about not being ready to be a parent, not liking it here, but those just sounded like excuses."

It was Rogers' turn to pause. "You didn't tell her, did you, my lad?"

"Tell me what?" Jenny interjected before I could respond.

With dread, I faced her. "No, I didn't. I'm so sorry Jenny, but I really didn't think it was my place to say anything. And now that she's gone, I wasn't sure what good it would do." I was pissed at Rogers for forcing me to, now.

Jenny may not have finished college, but education does not equate to intelligence. And that, she had in abundance. Sadly, head down, she mumbled, "She cheated on me, didn't she?"

Just as sadly, feeling like a complete heel, I merely nodded. "Should I have said something? I only had hints, but they were pretty compelling. Even so, I felt like it would have come between us, me accusing her."

"Honestly? I'm nearly beside myself right now. I'm feeling very betrayed. Rogers, it was lovely to speak with you, but I need some time to think right now."

"Of course, my dear. My sincere apologies as well. Good night." And he disconnected.

"Jenny-"

"I'm gonna go to bed, I think," she interrupted.

"Okay," I whispered. "Good night."

She left without replying, and I sagged back against the sofa, my hands over my face. Feck.

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Things were definitely cool, if not downright chilly, for the next several days. I tried to be as helpful as I could with Coral, while giving Jenny space.

Rogers called me at work the next day and apologized, but I'm afraid I was pretty harsh with him. He said that she had a right to know, and I countered with her right to be happy. Telling her would only - had only - caused pain. I caustically reminded him that I was living with her, and he was 3,000 miles away.

"She's my friend too, Ieuan," was all he said, "And I can only hope I did the right thing." He disconnected. I hoped so too. If this ruined us, me and Jenny, I was going to have a very, very hard time forgiving him.

The next morning, after another day of barely speaking, she asked to borrow the truck. Without a word, I just handed her the keys. Without looking at me, she asked, "Are you all right to watch Coral?" to which I replied, "Of course." She nodded, and walked out. I didn't see her again until I was returning from an after-dinner walk with Hank and Coral, and saw the truck in the driveway. I felt a release of tension that I wasn't even aware of. I wasn't sure if I'd see her again. I mean, I logically knew she'd be back for Coral, but... I despaired of repairing the rift between us.

She was sitting at the kitchen table when we walked in, and I looked at her apprehensively. But I kept quiet, and only picked up Coral from her stroller and handed her to her mother for cuddles. As she murmured to her daughter quietly, I fussed with Hank, taking off his coat, and petting him for a minute, allowing Jenny her time.

When she didn't speak, I grated, "I'm happy to see you back. I wasn't sure if... well, never mind. I have some work to do, so I'll be in my office."

Without looking up from her daughter, she said, "Ieuan, wait."

As I turned, her head came up, and I saw a tear in her eye. Not knowing what it meant, I just stood there, my heart in my throat.

"I'm really mad at you," she finally said.

"I know," I breathed.

"You should have told me."

"I had no proof. Only suspicion. I was afraid that if I told you, it would destroy our friendship. I realize now that I was being selfish. I can only ask you to please forgive me; it was never malicious. Never that. I convinced myself that I was protecting you."

She nodded. "I figured that out today, actually. You're such a white knight, Ieuan, always trying to protect, always... well. Anyway, I get it. But you still should have told me. Something like that... I needed to know."

"You're right," I said again. "I've been thinking about it a lot, and... you're right. Mae'n ddrwg gen i, cariad," I whispered.

She scowled, but I thought I saw the hint of a smile. "No fair speaking Welsh, you jerk."

I took a step toward her. "Are we... are we... okay?"

She tried to glare. But Coral picked that exact moment to coo at her, and her countenance softened. Looking back at me, she replied, "You're my best friend. Yes, we're okay. But no more secrets?"

"Rwy'n addo," I grinned. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. That means, 'I promise.'"

She rolled her eyes.

She fed Coral while I fixed her something to eat, and afterward, we settled back to our usual spots on the sofa.

"I'm... glad that you finally told me, you know. I certainly have closure." She gave a short laugh. "I'm so mad at her - no, maybe disappointed is a better word. But I have no more regret. Good riddance to her."

"Cheers to that," and I clinked my beer bottle against her glass of tea. "But now I'm going to have to apologize to Rogers and tell him he was right." I grimaced.

Her laughter was music to my ears.

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Chapter 11

August

I needed to talk to someone. So, as usual, I turned to the wisest person I knew.

"Hello, Beca!"

"Ieuan! I was wondering if you'd lost my number."

"Very funny. But I'm sorry, really. It's been an adjustment."

"I've no doubt," she replied.

"What am I doing, Beca?" I have to credit her; she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Ieuan, you're my smartest brother. But also my dumbest. You have feelings for that girl."

"Still your only brother, and anyway, she's my friend!"

"Ieuan."

My sister could wring more meaning out of just saying my name.

"Beca, she has... err, had... a girlfriend."

"So? Doesn't mean you can't have feelings. If they're not reciprocated it's awful, but it doesn't mean you don't have them."

I was nonplussed.

"Ieuan, are you still there?"

"Ie, err, yes. Sorry. I thought I was having a stroke for a moment."

She laughed. "You'll be all right. Talk to her, you git."

"How about YOU talk to her for me?"

"Coward."

"Guilty as charged, Your Honour. But hang on, I do actually have an idea."

"It's about time."

"Hush, you. So. Would you and Linnet and Arthur like to come visit during Thanksgiving? It's the end of November. My treat."

"Why..." she paused, thinking. "You know, that does sound like fun. Linnet would be thrilled to visit America. And to see you, of course. We could take her to all sorts of places! Yes, I think that might just work, Ieuan. Thank you!"

"Wonderful. I shall look forward to it."

"I'll call you later."

"Caru ti, Bec."

Jenny was excited when I told her they were coming. I was excited that she was excited.

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"Ieuan, can I ask you something?" Jenny said to me one afternoon when I came home from the gym. She had started going with me, but was taking a break that week. Feeling a little crampy, she explained, and that was enough information for me, I told her, laughingly. I got a smack for my trouble.

Anyway, I could tell she had something on her mind that day.

"Always, Jen. What's going on?"

She didn't want to look at me, and her hands were twisting in her lap. "I need to tell you something, and I need to know what you think. It's about Coral."

"Is she okay? What's wrong?" I was starting to get worried.

Jenny's eyes flew wide. "OH! No, nothing like that. Sorry."

She took a deep breath. "Okay, let me just start at the beginning. So, this happened while I was still in the hospital when Coral was born. I didn't tell you, but Sheila and I had a big fight after you left, and one of the admin people came in right in the middle of it." She chuckled ruefully. "She disappeared pretty quickly, but when she came back, she said one of the things she needed was information for the birth certificate. Specifically, who to put down as the parents' names."

Jenny paused for a moment, eyes flicking to mine, then back down. "I'm sure it was because she saw us fighting, but she told me I didn't have to put Sheila on there if I wasn't sure. She was very nice about it. She said it wasn't her place, but if I wasn't sure about it at all, it would be easier to add her later, than to take her off. I was still pretty mad, so I told her to leave her off." She looked like she was about to cry.

"Did I do the right thing?"

"You did what you thought was best with the information you had at the time."

"Oh wow, thanks, professor," Jenny smirked.

I laughed. "Sorry, that did sound rather pedagogic, didn't it? But it's true, if you think about it. If you're not being rhetorical, then yes, I think you did the right thing." I squeezed her hand.

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Chapter 12

September

I don't know how to describe the next couple of months. I think - no, I'm almost certain; Jenny was aware that I was becoming physically attracted to her. But I was deathly afraid of crossing that line. I thought maybe she loved me, but as nothing more than a friend. She was not into guys and I was in constant fear that she would decide she was ready to move on with her life. But being stuck as her friend was slowly eating away at me. I knew I wanted more.

I tried to hide my feelings as best I could. I was kind and attentive as I had always been. We did things together, and talked about anything, and it was really, really, nice, but there was this slightly tense undercurrent of unresolved feelings. I would never force the issue; Jenny did not deserve that.

One Friday afternoon, however, a few weeks after the Fall term started, she came to find me in my home office.

"Ieuan, I... have a date," she said quietly. She wouldn't look at me.