Hold Me Now

"Hi!" Lou jumped up and cut him off. "We met actually, you were running Ivón..."

"Yeah, you're the jeweller? How's school going...?" Lou grinned and pulled her to the side, pulling out his phone and explaining the latest pieces. I laughed at him and shuffled closer to Ed, leaning over the bar to help myself to a drink. Ed swatted me away and poured me one. He smiled as he looked at me.

"Hey you know, you don't have to... hide from me Bailey." I glanced at him.

"Huh?" Ed smiled.

"That guy... Louis.... I mean... it's pretty obvious you're dating." I choked on my wine.

"What!?? Me and Lou?!" I wiped my mouth. "You are so off base." I laughed. "Firm friends, trust me."

"Oh." Ed frowned. "Really? He was giving me the third degree... I assumed..." I rolled my eyes.

"That's just Lou." I said. "Na, we're both single. Well, he's only half single..."

"Half single?"

"I guess he's seeing some guy who wants to be his boyfriend that I... well I used to hate." I explained. "Heart wants what it wants though..." Ed raised his eyebrows.

"Huh. You hate his boyfriend and he has a problem with me... you sure you guys aren't..."

"Ed, ew." I chastised him. "He's like my annoying little brother, we've been friends since primary school."

"Ok." Ed laughed. "Sorry." He smiled. "Single life huh?"

"Oh it's so great." I grinned. "Still, you know, means I'm free to do this whenever it comes up."

"Aw, I'll have to rope you in more then. Mum always makes me do these things." He snapped his fingers. "Oh and I forgot! I meant to ask you to this party. Friday. I'll text you all the details."

"Sweet." I said. Which was a very casual way of saying 'absolutely yes, please I'd love to come and maybe we could drink too much and find a corner alone outside and I can play with your hair while you tell me you love me'.

So I didn't need to ask him out. He'd asked me out. Again. Ish.

I felt a niggle in the back of my neck as I walked home. This had a familiar ring to it. Like the time Liam asked me to dinner and I...

Ok, ok. Next time I saw Ed I'd really, truly ask.

----

Friday swung around and for the first time in a very long time it looked like I had two social engagements. Harrison had invited me to a party at his flat. So a cool party with cool people I knew and knew I'd have a great time with or a gut wrenching sweat inducing party with no one I knew and a guy I was in love with who may or may not feel the same way.

Easy choice.

"I'm glad you came!" Ed pulled me into a hug. My heart started hammering in my chest. Ok. This was it. Just get him alone and ask. Ask if he... "Here, come in." Ed ushered me inside. I glanced around and winced internally. Ew. Like, this was... just a crowd of the most straight laced people imaginable. I politely let myself be introduced and helped myself to a generous glass of rose before Ed abandoned me and I found myself pulled into a conversation with maybe the world's most boring people in the world.

"What do you do?" A girl with long hair and a plastic smile and plastic pearls around her neck asked me between moaning about who was taking advantage of free printing at work. I glanced at her fake Louis Vuitton handbag and winced.

"I'm an artist." I said. "And a waiter. Probably forever."

"Oh that's nice." She said. Her smile somehow grew even tackier and she turned away even as I opened my mouth to ask her the same question. Huh. No follow up. I sat uncomfortably and realised there was nowhere I could randomly slide in. Everyone was deeply engaged in talking to one another and I was just... a potted plant. My stomach sank. You know what? I'd just grab Ed, confirm he loved me, and slip away to Harrison's after all.

Or even not confirm he loved me. I had another short and not very sweet conversation over a charcuterie board and bit my lips. This was so dire. I thought about Ed. I mean, we could chat. He was great to talk to. Why were his friends so unbearable? Well. I mean. Did we even actually chat? What did we talk about? I tried to remember. Art. His mother. His job which I kind of tuned off listening to... huh. Maybe we didn't chat at all. Maybe I just stared at him and that blonde hair and...

"Oi, Bailster!" I heard him call me and wrinkled my nose. Ok, I'd veto THAT. "Come have a game of pool." I snorted and turned to him.

"I am the worst person in the world to have a game of pool with." I said. "You'll be very bored winning so easily."

"So, teams." He grinned. "I'll teach you." I looked at the pool table. God he WOULD have a pool table. Better than a foosball table I guess.

"Ok." I said uncertainly. But it was my best out of sitting around getting steadily drunker while everyone ignored me so I made my way over.

He introduced me to Lisa and Chad- yeah. Really. Chad. And he slowly talked me through the rules which, like every time anyones ever tried to teach me pool, went in one ear and out the other. But as soon as we started playing...

Something kind of weird happened.

It's funny. There has been... a pattern. It's not ALL straight guys. But... it's always not the right guy. And I'm actually, underneath it all, not a complete moron. I'll put it like this- if two guys smiled at me in a bar and one was tucked in a corner reading and the other was wearing a crop top dancing- you know who I'd go for? See, the sensible guy for me would be the one reading. But there was no way I'd hit on him. Because even before talking to him he'd ticked so many fucking boxes I couldn't bear it if he turned me down. That guy in the crop top, though? He'd probably fuck on a first date. And I'd see if he wanted to grab dinner, or coffee, or ever see me again but I knew the answer would be no. Because of course it would be. And a firm 'no' before I'd even let feelings develop was good, because there was no heartbreak. Angst, yeah sure. Loneliness absolutely. But nothing like feeling... feeling deep horrible warmth for something and feeling that fall apart.

Straight boys are just an extension of that. I don't have bad gaydar. I have damn good gaydar. But if everyone you know thinks you're always falling for straight people they tend not to bug you about why exactly you don't want to open yourself up to something magical and real. And you know, to a degree you can even convince yourself that you are looking for something magical and wonderful and just have bad luck. But deep down, way deep down in a place I don't like to go very often... it's not that I'm unlucky. I just like to set myself up for very soft failure and move on. The way my heart broke when I realised that all I was to the guy I'd loved for two years was a little faggy side piece was the most painful thing in the world. I still felt splinters in my chest when I thought about it.

So it was a genuine surprise to me as much as anyone when Ed placed his hands on my hips and helped me line up to hit the ball. I almost brushed him off awkwardly... when I realised how firmly he was holding me, how his fingers were drifting down my thigh. I glanced at him and he smiled softly, and...

Oh.

It didn't feel at all how I thought it would feel. Not that I even knew how to feel anymore- intentionally cutting yourself off from feelings kinda does that. But it should have been gut churning beautiful butterflies right? He was the guy I'd been mooning over forever. He was so tall, and so buff, and he was pushing my hair off my face as I took the shot- and his friends were rolling their eyes a tiny bit which made me stifle a laugh. I bet this is his move. I bet he does this to all the boys. Get them all wound up over a pool table and fuck them and forget them.

He awkwardly pulled his hands away as I missed.

"Ooop. Bad teacher." He laughed.

"Na, just a really bad student." I said. "Your shot. Need a hand?" Ed blushed a tiny bit and handed me his beer silently. I sipped on my wine as I watched him. Hmmmm. Fucking great ass. I wonder if he ever bottoms? If he was gonna fuck me and forget me I'd love to... I blinked and realised I was still at an all but Christian party and having hot fantasies wasn't going to win me any favours. He made the shot and I congratulated him, going in for a god knows what- a hi five? But he pulled me in for a hug and my head pressed against his neck for a second as he clasped me tight. I clutched my drink tighter. What the fuck was wrong with me?

I should have been hot and red and shaking in anticipation- I should have blushed every time his hands touched me-. But.

But I wasn't.

All I could think of was how much fun this would be if the crowd was better. If it was my people trying desperately to teach me how to play. If the music was loud and chaotic and the drinks were flowing freely. And I was thinking...

I was thinking about...

My phone rang and I glanced at it. I felt my stomach do a little flip as I saw it was Harrison. Oops. Probably should have mentioned I was bailing on him. Although... I made my apologies to Ed and went to take the call.

"Sup loser." He grunted. I grinned as I sat at the kitchen table. I could already hear the racket in the background. See THAT'S a party.

"I'm sorry I'm late." I said. "I'm coming." Harrison laughed.

"Heard you're at Ed's." He said. Oops.

"Word gets round, huh?" I mumbled. "I'm sorry."

"You're good." He said. "Going well?"

"Sort of." I sighed and cradled my wine. "You mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?" Harrison laughed. "Although actually I am a little. But you said you're coming?"

"Yeah for sure." I giggled. "Actually Ernie..."

"Ernie!"

"It slipped out." I bit my lip. Actually I just liked it. I'd been thinking of him as Ernie since he dropped that bombshell on me. "Anyway it suits you." I said. "Short and dark haired and chaotic." Harrison snorted.

"Alright if we're doing that then you're my Bert." He said. "Tall and sensible and probably keeping me out of trouble." I glanced at the table and found I was tracing little patterns on the table cloth. My chest thumped erratically.

"Dude. I wouldn't even dream of imagining I could keep you out of trouble." I snorted.

"But you'll try anyway right, B?" I rolled my eyes and played with the tablecloth. "So anyway. How's the cool party you ditched me for?" He asked.

"Dude, it's so dire here. You'd probably love it. In a love to hate it way."

"Oooh tell me." Harrison begged.

"Everyone is wearing pastel." I glanced around the room to make sure I was really alone. Harrison chuckled down the phone.

"Sounds ok?"

"And fake designer stuff. And the house is like... fucking white. Seriously. All the surfaces are white. It's.... Unsettling. And the people. And the music, like you can barely hear it but I think it's John Mayer."

"Oof yeah, rough." He exhaled loudly. "Serves you right though, dickwad. Ditching me to hang out with some other asshole."

"You are mad at me." I sighed. "Don't be. You're like one of the only people in the whole world I actually genuinely like and I can't stand it if you're mad at me." There was silence on the other end and I tried to read into it. But I couldn't.

"You're alright." He said eventually. "I'm not mad at you. Just..." He sighed into the phone. "Well. Anyway. Did you... I dunno. Hook up with Ed at least?"

"Na." I sipped on my wine. "Actually, ugh weirdest thing. With Ed.... I mean. I think.... I knew it wasn't right." I stared out over the sink. "There's no real spark, there's nothing about him that's actually... like, gonna work out... but you know, it's so much easier if you know you're never gonna work out from the beginning. I think maybe... maybe I go for guys who it's never going to work with because god forbid I find someone I really like, and it's magic, and we spark and then I really do end up with a broken heart."

"That's... quite the speech, B." Harrison said. "So like, he has a girlfriend or what?" I could hear his smile over the phone and smiled back.

"No, I think he really did invite me here to like... I dunno. I mean he was... he was definitely sending me signals..." My head snapped up as I heard a creak from the doorway. I went bright red. "Gotta go." I said quickly. "I'll be there soonish." I swallowed and looked at Ed, who was standing with his arms folded, smirking at me.

"Who was sending you signals?" He asked.

"No one." I said quickly. He chuckled and gave me a look that... went right through me and reminded me exactly what I'd been missing. I was tingling.

"No one?" He came to sit beside me and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I glanced at him. Ok, the sweaty nervousness was kicking in now. He leant in and brushed a curl off my face. "Because I think I know someone here who was sending you signals, Bailster."

And that was like a crystal shattering. My heart was beating fast- but for a way, way different reason. Ed- the tall beautiful guy I'd built up in my head was right next to me, leaning in to kiss me and all I could see was his hideous pastel polo shirt. And he'd called me BAILSTER. TWICE. Oh no. Oh my god.

Why did I come here?

Because I thought he'd introduce me to his girlfriend.

And everyone could say 'I told you so' and I could be miserable and lonely and maybe a little embarrassed if I ever saw him again but I'd find someone new, and pretty, who didn't know I existed again. And I'd play the same game beat for beat: interpreting everything they did in the most romantic way possible. And everyone could say "Bailey, you have terrible gaydar, you have terrible luck with men blah blah blah' and I could float on the comfortable surface of the Disatster Gay river I called home.

But Ed was edging closer, and taking my hands in his. And my palms were beginning to sweat but not because of that. Because my brain just kept THINKING. And now it was thinking how much happier I was without these stupid boys anyway. I was always happy with Briony, and Lou, and Pip- why did I even go on phantom quests to find love? Quests that I'd half heartedly designed to end in failure?

And Ed was running his hand up my arm, and wrapping it in the hair at the base of my neck.

And I was thinking how much happier I was just hanging out with Harrison and I felt my heart almost... like...

What was that? I glanced down at myself in surprise. Like I really thought my heart had skipped a beat. Was that... ok? Why did it happen? I'd been thinking about Harrison...

And there it was again. My chest growing hot. My heart doing weird rhythms. And a... swarm of butterflies in my stomach.

Ed leaned in to me and I felt my eyes widen.

Shit. Why didn't I ever listen to anyone? If this dude in front of me, who barely knew my name and had nothing in common with me was this close, falling into me, eyes closing- if he wanted me...

then the guy who spent a few hours a week with me, who was constantly buying me drinks, who'd all but told me more than once he was right there, in front of me, waiting.... He was...

Oh God, why was I so sure he was straight? He took me to an after party at IVY? The fuck was wrong with me! Why was I here? Of course there was a real life living breathing boy who liked me! Fuck, he'd been practically drooling over me since I learnt his name. Oh fuck. I hope I hadn't wasted too much time. Here I was about to be kissed by Prince Charming and I suddenly was struck by lightning- sending flames through my entire body as I realised I didn't want Prince Charming at all... I wanted the cool guy who wore cool clothes and had ridiculous hair and played in a band... and I totally. Absolutely. A million percent. Had a real honest to god chance with him. Had a shot with someone who was truly funny and truly cool and truly truly into me... and it terrified me because it would probably end in heartbreak but it was too late- because if I kissed Ed, and had to show up and tell Harrison to his face that I'd done that...

I just couldn't do that. I just couldn't.

"Ed." I placed my hand on his chest. "I'm so sorry." He pulled away quickly and his face fell.

"Oh." He mumbled. "Oh, Bailey. Sorry, I thought..."

"No, you're totally right." I said. His face lit up a little and I winced as I realised I... wow, I'd never let a guy down before. He read my expression and frowned at me.

"I... I'm sorry, I'm really lost." He said quietly. "I thought... I kind of... I thought we were. Wait, you are gay right?"

"Uh, yeah." I kept my internal eye roll to myself.

"Oh... maybe I misread..." His face settled into a big sad confused frown. I felt awful.

"No, no, you didn't. I... I really like you." I took a deep breath. "But I'm so, so sorry. I... there's someone else."

"Oh." Ed looked crushed. His whole head hung and I wished I could make it better... but I couldn't. "Lou?" He asked quietly. I snorted.

"Not Lou." I slid off the stool. "And you're a million times hotter than Lou, just so you know. Honestly on paper you're probably hotter than anyone. I'd honestly be honoured... and half of me thinks I'm really gonna regret what I'm about to do... but I'm sorry. I have to go."

"Wait!" He said, catching my hands. "Bailster, don't leave. Or at least... if that other guy doesn't work out... I just... I really have feelings for you." Oh no.

Ugh, so at least now I know that you can hear hearts breaking. Because I could hear his crumbling in front of me. I grabbed his hands and pecked his cheek. But I owed him honesty.

"Ed, if the other guy doesn't work out, I'm still not the right guy for you." I said, holding him for a second. "I really wish I was."

"Oh." Ed sighed as I pulled away, lingering. Touching my fingers just barely with his. We made really awkward eye contact as I tried to think of anything else to say- but he nodded and stood up with a sigh. "Well.... Don't let me stand in the way of true love." He said coldly. Oh poor Ed. Fuck. I didn't realise I'd been leading him on. But too late now.

"I am sorry." I whispered.

And I left.

----

I ubered to Strathmore, my heart beating wildly the entire time. I really felt like I wanted to throw up. I don't think I've ever had to do this. You know. Like. Express feelings. I don't know why I was shitting myself- I mean he liked me back right? Ugh. I couldn't sit still. What if he'd found someone else? What if he heard I was at Ed's and realised I was an idiot who was never gonna see what was right in front of me and...

No, no. He called me. He called me, which no one does because they're like, hooking up with someone else. I was probably just in time. I'd just- march up to him and kiss him and apologise for not doing it earlier. It would be romantic and I would be confident and charming and nothing like myself at all.

And fuck knows where from there... ugh, do I invite him on a date? Or was he more like, just into fucking? Or....

It didn't really matter because the Uber was pulling up outside.

I walked into the party and glanced around. Ok, great, everyone I'd ever met and a fair few I hadn't. I rolled my eyes at how popular Harrison was and scanned the crowd for him. But I couldn't see him anywhere. So, next best option, I grabbed a drink.

"Oh you're here." Someone said. I glanced up and quickly averted my eyes as Lou nonchalantly climbed off his boyfriend and adjusted his trousers. Honestly. Although- getting fondled in public was probably a step up from getting ignored in public. At least in Lou's eyes.

"Where's Harrison?" I asked casually. Lou inspected me, frowning.

"Did Ed reject you that fast?" He asked. I snorted.

"Ed tried to kiss me for your information." I folded my arms. "So who has bad gaydar now?"

"Still you." Lou rolled his eyes. "Did he really try to kiss you?" I nodded and opened my mouth to explain the rest, but Lou's eyes were bulging. "Holy hell! When's the wedding?'"

"Well..." My eyes drifted over the room. But still no Harrison. "I realised some people in my life might have a point about something." I said through gritted teeth. "On which note... um, where is he?"