Hold Me Now

"Who?" Lou blinked.

"Who do you fucking think?" I wanted to shake him. Lou frowned at me.

"Are you ok? You're... sweating. And shaking... and..."

"He's outside." Brent said quickly. He reached over and squeezed my shoulder. "You look great." He glared at Lou for half a second before smiling at me. "You're all good."

"Well, we have different definitions on looking great...." Lou was still frowning at me and Brent nudged him hard in the ribs. "Ouch!" He protested.

"Where's outside?" I asked and Brent ushered me in the direction of the door. I paused and bit my lip looking at him. "Wait, um." I winced. God, was I about to ask BRENT for advice?

"You're totally good." He said. "Just go for it."

"I'm not crazy am I?" Brent snorted.

"You are crazy. For not doing this earlier." He smiled at me. "And Harrison's crazy for waiting for you. But no. Good luck."

"Wait!" He was halfway through literally shoving me out the door but I stood firm. "Why... why me? I don't get it. I'm so... and he's so...."

"You don't get it?" Brent frowned. "You're arty, and passionate, and not my type Bales, I mean you're way too tall and you're OBVIOUSLY a top... but you have that sort of freckly hunky thing, which by all accounts is pretty hot."

"But...."

"Good luck!" And he really did push me out the door. Harrison was alone, smoking and staring at the trees and he turned his head towards me as the door clanged shut.

"You made it." He smiled. I nodded and slowly made my way towards him, trying to breathe. "So? How was Ed? Sparks? Magic?" He asked.

"I don't even know if that's real." I muttered as I settled in beside him on a big old three seater swing. "I think I thought I'd felt it before... but now I don't know." Harrison nodded.

"Maybe one day." He said quietly. "Maybe one day you'll meet a guy who just makes you happy, and warm and heard, and he'll make you laugh and all that, and you'll just wanna be around him. And I really hope he likes you, B. You deserve him." I looked at Harrison. "What?" Harrison said as I stared at him. I swallowed.

"So. I, um, I think I had an epiphany." I said slowly and Harrison started laughing. "No, no that's not right. That implies I'm being perceptive. What's it called when you finally get something that literally everyone around you is already in on?"

"The penny drops." Harrison said.

"Ok... yeah. So like... that... penny dropped." I trailed off as he looked at me thoughtfully. Suddenly my face was red and I was all tongue tied. I was never this badly tongue tied. What was wrong with me? Harrison frowned.

"You ok?" He said. "That epiphany looks like it's giving you a stroke."

"Fine." I squeaked out. Not fine. Not fine. So not fine. Unbearably not fine. I glanced at Harrison and I suddenly.... Noticed him. The way he sat, so casual, always. The clothes he wore- just the right amount of cool, plaid slacks and knitted cardigans and beanies with band patches on them. His hair- the way he tied it in a loose bun and it always slowly fell out and spilled over his shoulders through the day. I gulped. We hung out all the time. God, I missed him when he wasn't around. He made me laugh more than anyone, he challenged me in ways I knew thought possible... he...

"B, breathe." Harrison suggested, looking concerned as I silently fell apart beside him. I noticed how his eyes glittered in the dusk. Our legs brushed as we sat side by side. I glanced at him and he was staring out across the lawn.

"Harrison..." He turned to look at me.

"Bailey?" I felt my throat constrict. My chest was tight. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Why couldn't I speak? God and what was going on in my chest and my stomach? It felt like everything was tight, and throbbing, and churning. I'd had too much to drink. Harrison smiled as he looked at me. Ok. What were you trying to say, Bailey? I took a deep breath.

"I've never noticed your eyes before." I whispered. No! That wasn't it at all! I felt my cheeks heat up as he looked at me, and I looked at him and we looked at each other, and I couldn't even blink- his eyes were too much.

"I always noticed yours." He said. That made the gut churning worse. My heart was beating way too fast. Oh no, had someone spiked my drinks? Ok, so no, not at the party I'd been at but... This wasn't normal at all. I'd never felt like this. Harrison smiled as I struggled, my palm growing hot in his hand. "It's ok Bailey." He said softly. "Tell me." Tell him what?!

"I.... I uh...." I tried to look away but I couldn't. Luckily the party behind us was kind of speaking for me. Some dumb love song was playing, and I found myself listening, and I stared at him. "Hold me." I whispered.

He leant in, and his fingers brushed my cheek as he looked at me. My chest was.... Trying to escape. His eyes were so bright. His lips- why was I looking at... his eyes... my heart....

He pressed his lips to mine and I found I could finally close my eyes. His arms wrapped around me and for some reason I heard the dawn chorus, and I saw fireworks, and I felt like I was drowning in the warmest bath....

Oh.

Somewhere behind me someone had launched an arrow and it struck me right through my heart, and as we pulled away I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was melting.

"Hey, Bailey." Harrison said softly.

"Again." I whispered. He smiled and his eyes crinkled.

"Again?" He pressed his hands to my face.

"Actually- never stop." I said. Harrison smiled and pressed his forehead to mine.

"Ok." He said.

----

After he kissed me, and after I'd made him kiss me more, and after someone had yelled at us that we were missing the party and after another kiss, because I needed him to kiss me again to remind me what I'd been missing, we sat outside for hours, going numb in the cold as we held hands and wrapped our legs around each other and talked and talked until the stars were out.

He didn't tell me he'd loved me forever, but I could feel it in the way he clutched my hands too tight, like he was scared I'd slip away. And I felt like such an idiot because I realised he meant more to me than anyone, and he'd always been beautiful.

"I'm sorry." I held him tight. "I'm so sorry I wasted all this time."

"It doesn't matter." He said with a laugh. "Maybe I should have told you."

"Yes!" He laughed again.

"Well I'm sorry too then."

"Yeah, you should be! I'm famously terrible at these things!"

"And here I was so fucking embarrassed because I thought I was so damn obvious."

"In retrospect..." I grinned. "You were. But I'm like... really dumb." I stroked his hair and stared at him. My heart rate wasn't quite normal again but maybe it never would be. Harrison wrinkled his nose as I looked at him.

"Why do you keep looking at me like that?"

"I just... you're so... hot." I said. He threw his head back as he laughed.

"Only took you weeks to notice." I winced.

"I didn't... not notice... I just..." He shook his head.

"Anyway, B, I'm freezing. Can we go inside?" I think my heart actually stopped. Inside. Other people. Holding hands? Or what? What were we now? Or were we nothing? Or... "You ok?"

"Harrison... does.... Are we... Does this mean things will change?" Harrison nodded slowly and leaned in. He fiddled with my collar before pressing his lips to my neck. I moaned and let my hands drift over his body as he returned the favour, exploring my neck with his mouth and my chest with his hands.

"Yeah." He whispered as he paused. "But B, I think you're gonna like the changes." I moaned in agreement and pressed him closer to me. Things got... oh god. Really fucking tight. I mean my brain wasn't functioning, and my hands were gripping every inch of his skin I could, as if by touching it I was somehow claiming him. And my jeans were starting to feel uncomfortably tight. Oh god. His were too, I could tell because he was pressing his crotch against me and I could feel everything. I almost ripped his clothes off right then but my malfunctioning grey matter had its first rational thought in a while.

"Wait." I panted. "Do you have condoms?" Harrison groaned and pulled away.

"Na." He said, kind of pouting. He brushed his hair off his face. "Actually though, even if I did... ummm... I'm not... uhh.... I mean I want to, shit, I really want to but.... We've been... I wasn't expecting..."

"Ah. Yeah." I sighed. "Man, straight people have it so easy." Harrison laughed.

"Uh, maybe, we could...." He blushed. "Grab dinner tomorrow? I dunno. Go on like, a date? If that's... cool with you. Or you could just come over."

"No, no, dinner. Please." I held his hands. "Let me do it properly. Let me take you to dinner and be shy and nervous and say dumb things, and then let me take you home, and invite you in for tea, and then..." Harrison grinned and shut me up by placing his lips against mine. He pulled away and stroked my face.

"I'd love that, B."

We drifted inside and to my chagrin I noticed the music had stopped and the party was wrapping up. A few stragglers were sitting in the living room playing something stupid and Harrison and I tried to make a quiet entrance, sneaking in and joining the circle- but everyone looked up and took us in. Mmm. We'd been out there for hours. And I couldn't stop blushing. Lou raised his eyebrows at me and motioned for us to join the group.

"Come on." He said. "We're playing Most Likely To." Harrison and I glanced at each other and he shrugged and caught the beer the drummer from his band launched at him. Harrison handed it to me and helped himself to another, and as we settled in his arm drifted around my waist. If he didn't stop touching me I really, truly, might have a stroke. My heart couldn't keep beating that fast, he'd send me to hospital. I glanced at him. Oh fuck it, I'd be covered by ACC if I did have a stroke. I shuffled a bit and stretched out in some half hearted pretence that I wasn't letting my arm fall over his shoulders and he suddenly jerked away from me. What?! My eyes flew wide open as I glanced at him and he raised his eyebrows at me.

"We were out there for like three hours." Harrison whispered. "I am literally gonna piss myself." I laughed and let him go, relaxing against the foot of the sofa. I sighed as Lou rested his head in his hands and stared at me.

"Most likely to..." Lou grinned. "Say 'he's just a friend, he's straight, he's not into me...'" I glared at him as everyone slowly turned their heads towards me. Even the people I didn't know were catching on and I moaned into my drink as my cheeks grew red.

"Oh, fuck you all." I drank. "You know, someone could have, like, told me."

"We tried!" Lou glared at me.

"Well clearly not hard enough!"

"Raise your hand if you knew that Harrison had a thing for Bailey and thought it was so damn obvious you didn't need to like, literally say it." Lou sat back and folded his arms in satisfaction as one by one Pip, and half his theatre troupe it seemed, and Harrison's whole band, and everyone who I'd ever seen with Harrison raised their hands. I sank low in my seat.

"I didn't." Some guy said. I glanced at him. "Although I've never met you so I think I'm off the hook." I brought my fingers to my face.

"You... you... oh my god. I am such an idiot." I mumbled. Brent started to laugh, which set everyone off. Yeah, ha ha, really fucking hilarious, I'm an idiot, what's new. I felt a hand tousle my hair and I glanced up to see Harrison making his way beside me again. His hand reached for mine and I entwined our fingers automatically. "Everyones making fun of me." I explained. "For reasons that need not be spoken of." Harrison grinned.

"Is it your hair?"

"Fuck off."

"Is it those dumb designer trousers?"

"They're cool!"

"Well, I give up. Can't be that bad. Your round B?"

"Most likely to not mind their own business." I glared pointedly at Lou who rolled his eyes.

"And proud of it." He joked as he drank. "Ok, new game with fewer personal attacks. Convergence?"

-----

I wrestled with staying the night, but the decision was made really easy for me because Harrison was leaning against me and was feeling heavier and heavier until I realised he was actually asleep. Ok, semi anticlimactic end to the most important moment of my life in a while but I'd cope. I glanced at his band mates, who were the only people around at that moment and cleared my throat. They were pretty menacing looking even out of stage get up, but drinking with them all night had shown me they were basically big scary looking teddy bears who could shred and all had hearts of gold.

"Uhhh... what do I do with this?" I tried not to disturb the gorgeous guy slumped over my shoulder. Skinner, the drummer, laughed.

"God he's a nana." He said. "He always does this. Usually we move him to a couch and try to pile stuff on top of him. Once he's out he's out, it's pretty funny." I laughed and they helped me move him from the floor to the couch- yeah, he was out. The 'fuck with Harrison' game was kiiiinnnndaaa funny, but I felt... like maybe I'd be an asshole if I encouraged it. I dunno. Maybe like that's a... like a boyfriend thing? At any rate I felt weirdly protective of him with his eyes closed and I gently suggested we just let him sleep? Which the band was happy to go with, and we went outside for a bit before I realised I was yawning too... and sleeping on the floor next to Harrison sounded like something my body really couldn't get away with anymore... so I texted him something really dumb and sappy and went home to bed.

He texted me back at some ungodly hour of the morning, officially inviting me to dinner, which I agreed with before drifting into the deepest, most satisfying sleep I'd had in ages.

----

I dreamed about nonsense things- being chased by an unknown creature who looked like my mother, and dancing in fields of daffodils, and oh god did I dream about kissing Harrison... and there was an irritating sound invading the dream but it wasn't until Briony pulled my covers off and slammed a coffee beside me that I realised my alarm had been ringing for literal hours and I'd slept in all day... and I was meant to be meeting Harrison in like ten minutes.

I groaned as I got up and caught sight of myself in the mirror. Oh no. I looked like a train wreck. Fuck. Late or looking like I didn't care? Well maybe I could split the difference. I threw myself in the shower and tried to shave my face and brush my teeth at the same time which only resulted in one or two minor incidents.... My alarm started to ring again and I jerked my head up. Ouch! Oh no. Oh crap. I looked in the mirror and grumbled to myself as I saw the blood pouring down my chin. Uhhhh I didn't have time for that. But it's ok, it's fine, it's no big deal. I sighed and pressed a towel to stop the bleeding as I hopped into some trousers one handed.

I managed to get dressed, my face sort of stopped bleeding- but I had to slap a bandaid on it which looked so fucking stupid. Well. Looks like my date with Harrison would be singular, one date, since I was late, and my hair was sticking up everywhere, and I had a fucking bandaid on my face. I sighed and ran out the door with a brief goodbye to Briony. Thank god I live in town, the restaurant wasn't far.

I only ended up being just under ten minutes late which was forgivable, and Harrison waved at me cheerfully from a table. He immediately reached for my chin.

"What did you do?" His eyes were filled with concern and I swatted him away.

"Tried to multitask." I mumbled. "Sorry I'm late." He shrugged.

"No big." He smiled at me. "Is your hair like that naturally? It's so..." He suddenly blushed. "I like it that way." He said. I glanced at him as my breathing from my run here returned to normal.

"I normally straighten it." I said self consciously. "I... overslept. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mess." Harrison's eyes crinkled and he bit his lip.

"You're not a mess, B." He said quietly. "Actually, you're..." He didn't finish his sentence because the MD swanned up and squeezed his shoulder.

"Never thought I'd see you in here, Harrison." She grinned and looked at me pointedly. "Must be..." He nudged her thigh and widened his eyes at her and she closed her mouth with a smile. He gestured to me.

"This is Bailey." He said. Her eyes widened and she glanced at Harrison, and he shook his head almost imperceptibly. Oh... he'd... he'd totally mentioned me. I grinned to myself.

----

I did... sort of relax... I mean. It's weird. Talking to him was so easy. We talked about Uni, and art, and music and everything in between and the food was incredible and we argued about the bill but I won because I absolutely owed him. We went for a walk around the waterfront and he held my hand and I wondered if I'd have to see a doctor or if at some point my heart rate would settle the fuck down. Not any time soon. He squeezed my hand and looked over the water and grinned at me.

"You did mention inviting me back to yours for tea." He said.

"Yeah I did." I squeezed his hand. "You want to?"

"Yeah, I do."

----

I'd optimistically suggested Briony should go see a movie on the way out and she poked her tongue out and told me actually I wasn't the only one with a date tonight.

"Oh my god." I sat down. "Tell me everything."

"Tomorrow." She waved at me. "You're late, Bales."

So we had the house to ourselves and I made tea and settled on the couch with him, looking around the room, trying to remember what you do when you get someone you like home.

"Netflix?" I suggested. Harrsion curled up beside me.

"Yeah, ok." He said. "What's on your to watch list?"

"Art documentaries." I answered honestly. He snorted. "Yeah, uh... skip that yeah? Um... anything you're into?"

"Hmmmm." He placed his head on my chest. "Um maybe...." He frowned and looked up at me. "Woah dude. You ok? Your heart is going crazy." I blushed as I looked at him. Nice. Call me out like that, go on.

"Well. I'm nervous." I admitted. Harrison raised his eyebrows.

"Why are you nervous? We hang out all the time..."

"Yeah, well, I mean. I wasn't into you then."

"Wow thanks." I laughed and nudged his knee. "Don't be nervous." He said. "Nervous is for the whole 'does he like me' phase. And I've made it more than clear I like you."

"Well... that makes me nervous." Harrison grinned. He moved so fast I couldn't predict it, and suddenly he had me pinned against the sofa, his legs wrapped around me and his hands pressing me firmly into the cushions.

"Does this make you nervous?" He whispered. I raised my eyebrows.

"Nervous might not quite be the right word." I cleared my throat. "Terrified." He grinned and ran his fingers through my hair gently.

"Aw B." He said. "You're cute when you're terrified." I swallowed.

"I'm always cute." He laughed and ran his hands over my chest.

"Na." He grinned. "Usually you're just damn fucking hot." He caught my eye. I swallowed. I appreciated it, I did. But it's weird. I've never heard that about myself before. Harrison grinned and ran his fingers slowly over my torso. "Can't believe Bailey fucking Green agreed to go out on a date with me." I blushed.

"It's not like there was a line out the door, Harrison."

"Like you'd know." He rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't recognise a guy flirting with you if he had a tshirt on saying he wanted to suck your dick."

"I would definitely notice that t-shirt."

"Really?" Harrison grinned at me. "I'll have to get one." He smiled as he ran his hands over my thighs, and glanced at me as his fingers brushed between my legs. Oh no. Fuck. He was... uh. He was ready. I'm not convinced I was. I was overthinking. I knew I was. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Ok, there's like a really hot guy on your lap who's just said he wants to suck your dick, Bailey. Take a deep breath. Just, for fucks sake... try to enjoy this. I told myself.