Homeomorphism - Step 1

"Um, I-" Hayley began, silenced as Charlotte embraced her in a tight, unyielding hug.

"You don't have to say anything."

Hayley felt tears again.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

It was too late. Hayley buried herself into Charlotte's neck, her body jerking as tears fell freely from her eyes. Charlotte squeezed her tighter, holding her head with one hand and her waist with the other, slowly guiding her back to bed. Gently, she laid Hayley down, wrapping herself around the taller girl tightly.

"W- w- why do I f- feel like this Charlotte?" Hayley wept, her words choked.

"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Your body is mad at you, that's all."

"Why...why can't I s- s- stop it? Why c- can't I fucking control myself?"

"Hayley, look at me."

Hayley lifted her head from Charlotte's now damp shirt, her eyes red and teary.

"You controlled yourself tonight. You realize that, right?"

Hayley shook her head angrily. "N- no I didn't. I gave in again."

"No. You didn't. Fuck that. Fuck your body. Fuck your penis. Fuck what they want. It doesn't matter. You took what you wanted tonight, Hayley. You made the decision."

Hayley's sniffling was slowing down. Something about the confidence with which Charlotte spoke was easing her mood.

"When you want to feel good - when you want to be touched - you have the fucking right to feel good. Your body is trying to convince you that you don't. It's trying to make you feel ashamed. Do you know why?"

Hayley shook her head.

"Because its afraid of you Hayley. It's afraid of how strong you are. It knows that you can control it, so it's trying to trick you. Trying to convince you that you're not ever allowed to feel good."

The corners of Hayley's mouth turned up.

"Say 'fuck you' to your body, Hayley."

Hayley buried her face back into Charlotte's shirt with a sniffling laugh.

"I'm serious, say it!" Charlotte giggled.

"Fuck you," Hayley mumbled.

"Louder! Fuck you, body!"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"I control you!"

Under any other circumstances, Hayley would feel silly for yelling at her body, but Charlotte was instilling a confidence within her that she couldn't explain. "I control you!" Hayley shouted, her smile growing.

"I take what I want!"

"I take what I want!"

Charlotte was smiling ear to ear now, her eyes filled with an immense amount of pride. "You're the one who made the decision, Hayley. You're the one in control."

Hayley bit her lip, trying to stifle her joy, looking at Charlotte bashfully. Charlotte reached forwards and pulled Hayley in for a hug. "Trust me, I'm happy to jerk you off as many times as needed to get the message across."

Hayley laughed.

Charlotte pulled away, staring lovingly into Hayley's eyes. "I'm so fucking proud of you. You know that, right?"

Hayley nodded.

"Oh, and by the way," Charlotte's expression turned sour, "fuck you for being a pretty crier."

Hayley smiled, rolling her eyes.

"I mean seriously, what the fuck? There hasn't been a single fucking moment, ever, where you don't look absolutely perfect. Even right after you wake up! It's making me want to kill myself."

"Don't worry," Hayley laughed, shaking her head from side to side, "I have ugly moments. Sophia has a whole folder in her camera roll dedicated to them. You'll just have to keep me around until you see one."

"Oh, trust me, I'm never getting rid of you."

The girls watched two more episodes of Breaking Bad on Charlotte's laptop, Hayley fully invested this time before falling asleep in Charlotte's arms, a smile on her face.

Charlotte, on the other hand, couldn't sleep. Her brain felt like it was on fire. Being ripped in half. Why was it so hard for her to hate Hayley. She was a bad person. Charlotte knew that. She had looked at her with so much disdain for so long, but now she could never hold onto her hatred for more than a second before it slipped from her fingers. How could she ever hope to make everybody else hate Hayley if she couldn't even do it herself?

Distantly, Charlotte realized that these thoughts were returning for the first time all night - since Hayley had asked to be touched.

In that moment, lying beside Hayley's naked, quivering, desperate body, Charlotte's concerns had faded entirely from her awareness. Her indecision, her fear, her guilt, were all replaced by an overwhelming clarity. She knew exactly what she wanted, and what she wanted was to bring Hayley to her knees. Make her beg for a release only Charlotte could grant. Humiliate and degrade and abuse her.

Hold her. Comfort her. Kiss her.

Provide for her.

Own her.

She wanted Hayley's trust. Her reliance.

Her obedience. Her dependence.

Her undying, unquestioning, unconditional love.

Looking back on it now, Charlotte couldn't understand herself at all. What had felt so clear, so blindingly obvious, now felt contradictory and convoluted. Her desires were at ends. Obtaining one necessitated destroying the other. But drunk on arousal, Charlotte knew that to be false. She knew she could have it all, and she had never wanted anything more.

Hayley shifted slightly in Charlotte's arms, scratching her nose delicately in her sleep. The sound of her slow, peaceful breaths seemed to echo throughout the room, comforting Charlotte, distracting her from her own thoughts.

With a smile, Charlotte tightened her arms around Hayley, feeling the sleeping girl do the same, and let her eyes drift closed.

***

Hayley and Charlotte made no plans for Wednesday, both in need of a day to catch up on homework they both had been putting off. After much pleading, Sophia managed to convince Hayley to do her work in the living room, promising "she wouldn't make a sound," just wanting to "be with Hayley."

True to her word, Sophia stayed silent for the entire duration of Hayley's homework, sitting beside her and working on a handful of assignments she had been planning to do last minute. Once Hayley finally closed her laptop, Sophia lit up with excitement, springing up from her seat with the force of a thousand stories she had been keeping bottled up for the past five hours. Hayley looked at her sympathetically, and Sophia's smile faded instantly.

"Nooo," she pouted, flashing desperate, hazel eyes. They were second only to Hayley's.

"I know, I'm sorry. I just need to be up early in the morning."

"I never see you anymoreee."

Hayley stood up with outstretched arms, wrapping them around Sophia's slouching, defeated body. "I'm going to be here for Love Island night on Friday, okay? I promise."

Sophia lifted her arms, wrapping them lazily around Hayley. "Who the fuck does this girl think she is? Stealing you away from me all the time. I had you first!"

Hayley chuckled. "I'll introduce you two soon, I promise."

"Make sure I'm in a good mood before you do, or I might kill her."

"I'll make sure she brings McDonalds."

Sophia smiled, pleased with Hayley's offer, giving her one last squeeze before letting her leave for bed.

***

Hayley's Thursday was long. She abhorred the post-work gym rush, so she opted to work out at 6 in the morning, meaning she was awake at 5. After that it was a quick shower at home and off to class from 9 to 2. Then, from 4 to 6, it was her responsibility to lead an exam review session for Organic Chemistry, the class she TAed for. By the time it began, she wanted nothing more than to leave and drive straight over to Charlotte's house where she could relax, but she had a job to do, and she would do it well.

In all honesty, the review sessions were Hayley's favorite part of being a TA. The grading and the exam assembly were menial and uninteresting, but the review sessions were a chance for Hayley to exercise her knowledge. To teach. It didn't take her long to forget all about her exhaustion, falling gracefully into her role as instructor. But when the clock struck 6, she was still just as eager to rush out the door and race to Charlotte's house.

She drove quickly, making a quick stop at home to change and another at the grocery store, having offered to supply dinner, arriving just before 7. Charlotte opened the door with a smile, dressed this time in an oversized Metallica t-shirt. Hayley, once again, wanted to show off, wearing navy blue leggings and a light blue tank top, matching Charlotte's eyes.

"What'd you get?" Charlotte asked excitedly.

"Sushi."

"Mmm," Charlotte smiled with satisfaction.

The two girls sat on the couch, sharing the assortment of rolls Hayley had selected, continuing Breaking Bad where they had left off. After the sushi platter had been thoroughly cleaned, they took their newly assigned seats on the couch, Charlotte resting on a reclined Hayley.

They made quick work of their first two episodes, but as Hayley lifted up the remote to begin their third, she was stopped by Charlotte's hand.

"Hey...um...I wanted to continue our conversation from the other night."

Hayley looked at Charlotte quizzically.

"You know, about...um..."

Charlotte's hesitation made it obvious what she meant, and Hayley's face flushed.

"Oh...um...sure. What did you want to talk about?" Hayley's heart was beating so loudly she was certain it would make Charlotte, currently resting on her chest, go deaf.

Charlotte seemed just as nervous as Hayley, her eyes glued to the inactive television, but with a deep breath she turned around, determined to say what she wanted to say.

"I don't think it's stupid that you're trying to masturbate less." A hint of unease, maybe fear, crossed Hayley's embarrassment-stricken face. Charlotte quickly clamored to elaborate.

"I still meant everything I said! I know how frustrating it can be to disagree with your body. To physically crave something that you shouldn't have, or don't even want. It's just-."

"That's the part that upset me," Hayley interrupted, a hint of anger in her voice.

"...is that the part that upsets you?" Charlotte challenged nervously. Hayley looked at her with surprise.

"Yes," she said, sounding definitive. "I thought you knew that. That's what I was talking about on Tuesday. Isn't that what you were talking about?"

Charlotte bit her lip in contemplation. She could tell that she was upsetting Hayley, but she needed to push through this if...she wanted to progress with her plan? If she wanted to help Hayley feel more secure in herself? Charlotte wasn't sure what her motivations were, but she knew she needed to do it.

"You said you were masturbating every other day, right?" she asked bluntly, making Hayley recoil, her cheeks growing red.

"I don't...I...why do you want to know?"

"Right?" Charlotte asked again, her tone hardening.

Hayley looked around, afraid that somebody may be eavesdropping on their conversation. "...yes."

Charlotte nodded in understanding. "I'm going to assume you didn't masturbate on Saturday seeing as how we were together most of the day, meaning you were allowed to masturbate on Sunday. And then again on Tuesday. And yet you were still mad at yourself for having an orgasm on both days. Is that right?"

"What's your point?"

"You know what my point is, Hayley. It's not fair that you have to deal with this craving. And I understand the need for discipline and structure to help control it. But you're not mad at yourself for giving in to it, you're mad at yourself for having the craving in the first place. It's not healthy."

Hayley sat up, pushing Charlotte to the side. "I don't need you telling me what's healthy! It's my body! I should be able to control my body!" Any shame or embarrassment Hayley would normally feel was burning away amidst the flames of her rage.

"Nobody gets to control their body!" Charlotte was getting upset now, too. She expected Hayley to understand, just as she had before. "It's all chemicals and electrical impulses. You're a fucking neuroscience major, Hayley, I know you know this! All we can do is decide whether or not we act on our urges or not! And I think it's great that you're exercising whatever mental muscle it is that allows you to say no, but you need to learn that it's okay to say yes too!"

"You don't know what it's like, Charlotte! You've never-" Hayley caught herself midsentence, remembering that she was talking to the only person in her life who might actually know what it's like, too. Shamefully, she looked away. "...I shouldn't ever have to masturbate in a hotel bathroom just to satisfy an urge."

Charlotte took a deep breath, calming herself down. "You're right," she whispered, nodding her head. "You're right."

The girls sat in silence, neither knowing what to say next. Finally, Charlotte broke the silence.

"Can we talk in my room?"

Begrudgingly, Hayley nodded.

***

Hayley sat quietly on Charlotte's bed, looking around the room while she waited for Charlotte to return. With a creak, Charlotte pushed the bedroom door open, entering with two cups of tea. She handed them both to Hayley before crawling onto the bed, taking hers back once she was situated.

"I think there are two separate issues here, Hayley, control and indulgence, and I think one is a lot worse than the other."

"What are you, a fucking therapist?"

"It seems like you could use one," Charlotte said with a chuckle, trying to bring some levity to the conversation. Hayley didn't laugh.

"Why do you hate masturbating so much?" Charlotte quietly asked.

Hayley sighed, already growing tired of the conversation. "I've told you this already. It makes me feel weak, and it's not just masturbating. It's all of it. All the arousal."

"Why does it make you feel weak?"

"Oh my god." Hayley rolled her eyes. "Because I can't say no! Because I don't get a choice! It doesn't bother you that you need to masturbate?"

Something strange crossed Charlotte's face. Guilt? Shame? She looked like she wanted to say something, confess something, but she was too scared. Just like on Saturday night. Whatever it was, Charlotte quickly shook it away and gathered herself. "Do you think hunger is a weakness?"

"What?" Hayley looked not only confused but annoyed by the question.

"Do you feel weak when you give into your hunger and eat a meal?"

"That...what? That's not the same at all. Hunger is necessary for survival."

"No, hunger is a product of evolutionary design. We don't eat to survive - not really. We eat because our brain makes us eat. It's just another part of life. A necessity. And for whatever reason, your brain thinks orgasms are a necessity too. "

"But they're not! I won't die if I refuse to masturbate!"

"That doesn't matter, Hayley, that's my point! It's not a matter of survival. It's a matter of doing what your brain demands so you can live the rest of your life how you want to live it! You could refuse to eat, if you really wanted to. But it wouldn't take very long for food to become your only focus. Every moment of every day would be inundated with thoughts of eating - thoughts of satisfying that urge. Why would you live with that if the solution was as easy as having a bite of food?"

Charlotte's expression became sympathetic.

"It's not fair that you were born this way, I know that, but what's done is done. This is the brain you have. These are the urges you have. They will never go away. If you don't accept that, your life will be so much worse."

Hayley was glaring at Charlotte now, unwilling to speak.

Charlotte's mouth hung open, stuttering for a moment, clearly nervous to say what she was going to say next. "...to be honest, Hayley, I...I think you already know this."

Hayley squinted, challenging Charlotte to continue.

"I don't...I don't think you like to admit it, maybe not even to yourself, but I think you know that orgasms are, and always will be, a part of your life."

Hayley recoiled, shaking her head in disbelief. "Fuck you! I don't-"

"How often did you masturbate before that day in the hotel room?" Charlotte interrupted her, her own voice growing firm.

Hayley scoffed. "That's not-"

"Before you started this schedule. How often?"

Hayley looked away, unwilling to stare Charlotte in the eye. "Every day."

"And did you enjoy it?"

"No."

"You did it because you had to."

Hayley refused to respond.

"I agree with you Hayley. You should never feel the need to masturbate in a hotel bathroom. It should be your choice where and when you cum. That's why I think it's good you're doing this...masturbation schedule, or whatever you want to call it. But deciding if you cum is not your choice to make. Sooner or later, the answer will always be yes."

Hayley exhaled in exhaustion, shaking her head. "Masturbating isn't the same as eating, Charlotte. It's disgusting. It's...debased."

Charlotte nodded, acknowledging that she heard Hayley as she pieced together her response in her head.

"I think...I think this is the second issue. The serious one."

There was a hint of curiosity behind the anger in Hayley's eyes.

"I...I don't understand why, I was hoping maybe you could tell me, but...it seems to me like you have some sort of aversion to masturbation. To indulgence, in general."

"No shit."

"Separate from your need to control your body, I mean" Charlotte clarified. "At least...I think? Maybe it's connected? I'm not...it doesn't..." Charlotte stopped herself to think for a moment. "When was the last time you masturbated because you wanted to?"

Hayley looked at her quizzically. "I don't...it...I don't know. Never?"

"Why?"

"I said why. It's disgusting. And debased. And animalistic. It serves no purpose beyond satisfying a momentary, base desire."

"Why does it have to serve a greater purpose?"

Hayley shook her head, baffled. "What's the point of life if we spend our time satisfying pointless, fleeting desires?"

"What's the point of life if we never satisfy those desires?"

"To grow! To make something of ourselves!"

"No. I disagree." Charlotte sounded unsure in her own words, as though she were piecing together her rebuttal on the spot. "Why do you run?"

"Because it makes me proud."

"Because it makes you feel good."

"I- it-" Hayley stuttered. "I feel good because I accomplished something. It makes me better. Masturbation feels good because biology incentivizes reproduction. Animals can cum. They can't win gold medals."

"But you can do both, Hayley. They're not mutually exclusive. I agree that delayed gratification - bettering yourself - leads to a better life, but indulgence doesn't always come at the expense of later happiness."

Hayley looked at Charlotte with cautious interest.

"The tradeoff is variable. The future happiness I sacrifice by eating a single slice of cake tonight is small, almost negligible. But it has an actual impact on my happiness right now. It doesn't become an issue until I choose to eat an entire chocolate cake for dinner. It's like, for every slice I have, my present happiness grows at a fixed rate, maybe even logarithmically, but my future happiness declines at an exponential rate. There exists a point at which the two lines intersect, and everything before that point represents positive net happiness."

Hayley was laying back on her elbows now, having set her tea on the nightstand, looking at Charlotte skeptically. "So...I'm supposed to run a calculation every time I want to indulge in something?"

Charlotte laughed, more at the absurdity of her explanation than Hayley's comment. "No, you don't need to be that precise. My point is just that it's okay to enjoy 'base desires.' That's part of the fun of life. I mean, take Love Island for example. You could have been exercising or studying instead of watching all those episodes, and your future happiness would be higher, but barely. It's outweighed by the enjoyment you feel now, while watching them. Can you imagine how boring life would be if we were always focused on the future? If we never let ourselves enjoy the moment?"