Homeomorphism - Step 0

It was Friday now, and Hayley was sitting at the kitchen counter, working on a programming assignment that she had been putting off. She was stuck on a particular command, feeling herself grow anxious at her lack of progress, when she heard a click at the door.

"I'm hoooome, bitches!" a cheerful voice exclaimed from the entryway.

Hayley looked up from her laptop, resisting the urge to shoot up from her seat and run to give her roommate a hug.

Sophia peeked her head around the corner with a wide grin, her hair falling messily across her face, clearly exhausted yet somehow still possessing a magnetic buoyancy. She had left on her trip while Hayley was at her meet meaning the two hadn't seen each other in over a week. That was why Melanie had been the one to pick Hayley up at 2:30 in the morning, something she wouldn't have done under any other circumstances.

"Hayyyyleyyyy," Sophia cooed.

"Hi Soph," Hayley tried to stifle her smile. "How was Texas?"

"Ugh, so boring," Sophia groaned, dropping a duffle bag and two suitcases on the ground and walking up to Hayley with her arms outstretched. "Next time I go, I'm taking you with me. I don't care if you want to, I'll kidnap you."

Hayley wrapped her arms around Sophia, squeezing tightly. She missed her manic, flirty roommate more than would ever admit. "Oh yeah? You gonna pack me up in your suitcase?"

"Don't even try me. I would."

"Mmm, you know I'd always rather be with you than at my stupid track meet."

"Oh yeah! How was that? Did my baby get all the gold?"

Hayley looked down shamefully. "No, I didn't do that good."

Sophia didn't miss a beat, letting out a shocked gasp. "So, the amazing Hayley Strickland is human after all."

Hayley couldn't help but smile. Sophia had a way of making Hayley's accomplishments always feel so much grander than they really were and her failures so much more insignificant.

"Hmm?" Sophia continued, "you gonna come down and join the rest of us mere mortals, now?"

"Shut up," Hayley giggled. The two girls nudged each other back and forth, taking turns looking at each other, before Sophia let out a gasp. A real one, this time.

"Oh my god, I can't believe I almost forgot. I got an interesting text from Melanie earlier this week."

Hayley looked up, curious.

"She told me you were having a very special conversation when she picked you up Sunday night."

Hayley felt her ears burn red, her curiosity turning into embarrassment. She forgot that her roommates knew about her crush.

It happened a month ago. Hayley hadn't meant to get so drunk, only intending to have a few shots, but Sophia wouldn't stop begging her for more.

"It's my birthday, you have to," she would say. "Just one more shot. Please. For me?"

If it was anybody else, Hayley could have said no, but Sophia had a hold on her that Hayley couldn't resist. By 10 p.m. she was blacked out, meaning she couldn't even remember telling them, but ever since that night, Sophia and Melanie would remind her with every chance they got about "the cute new girl on the track team with white hair" that she wouldn't stop mentioning. Hayley was amazed - and disappointed - that the two girls could even remember the conversation themselves.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Hayley lied, poorly.

Sophia squealed, hugging Hayley again.

"I'm so happy for you, bitch!"

Hayley shook her head. "I promise it wasn't even anything. We were just the only two left."

"Mmhmm, mmhmm, I bet she's been thinking about you ever since she first saw you and she just finally saw her chance."

Hayley rolled her eyes, knowing it was better to let the conversation fizzle out than fight back.

"Get that pussy, girl!"

"Yeah, whatever you say, Soph." Hayley blushed at the thought.

The two girls talked for the rest of the night, Melanie joining them after arriving home from her boxing gym, prompting a second wave of teasing about Hayley's late-night conversation. For the first time since their conversation on Wednesday, Hayley was able to relax and forget about Charlotte.

***

Charlotte's lack of communication was very deliberate. She wanted to see how Hayley would react. Her nervous and apologetic behavior on Wednesday had been promising, but Charlotte needed to see more, and this was a perfect opportunity. Unfortunately, she wouldn't get the chance until their next track meet on Monday, which was a long time, even for her. By Saturday, she was having trouble justifying her decision, drafting multiple messages that she would delete after prolonged and agonizing contemplation. Fantasizing proved to be Charlotte's best weapon against her impatience, not only as a distraction, but as a reminder of what she was striving towards.

Monday. She just had to make it to Monday.

And she did. With much difficulty, but difficulty that was punctuated by a deep satisfaction as soon as she saw Hayley at Monday's practice. Charlotte arrived first, taking a secluded seat on the bleachers that allowed her to keep her eyes on where Hayley would arrive, having the added benefit of highlighting her supposed loneliness. She quickly shooed Avery away as she tried to approach, telling her that she just needed some time to herself before the meet began. Avery's response was no more than a look of suspicion as she turned away, certain Charlotte was up to something.

Hayley arrived at precisely 4:45, as always. She emerged from behind a set of bleachers to Charlotte's left, her demeanor calm and her pace controlled, not unlike a model on a runway. Charlotte was overcome with momentary disappointment. It wasn't a definitive disruption to her plans, but this wasn't the reaction she was hoping for. Charlotte began to consider her other options, but just then, Hayley's careful presentation was interrupted by a nervous glance to her right, precisely where Charlotte had sat last week. Precisely where she was sitting now. Since her confession, Charlotte had been presenting herself as meek and abashed, and not always intentionally, but as Hayley's eyes met hers, Charlotte refused to look away, staring her down like that first night at the hotel. Hayley didn't even try to hold eye contact, her head immediately correcting itself so she was looking directly in front of her once again.

That was what Charlotte wanted. Exactly what Charlotte wanted, in fact. Hayley had barely waited five seconds before seeking Charlotte out and couldn't even last one caught in Charlotte's eyes. It was time to proceed.

***

Hayley was lying in her room, tired from practice and taking advantage of an uneventful evening to listen to a few new albums she was interested in, when her phone buzzed. It had been 5 days since she and Charlotte spoke, and she was finally beginning to relax, but there was still a part of her that was expecting a text. Maybe even...waiting for it? Every time she received a notification from anything else, she couldn't tell if she was feeling relief or disappointment. Whatever it was, she didn't feel it today. Today, as she lifted her phone from her chest and clicked it on, she felt fear.

[hey hayley, its charlotte]

Hayley stared at the message, waiting for any sort of follow-up to queue her response, unsure if the first message was even real or just her imagination. There was no follow-up. Part of Hayley just wanted to set her phone to the side and ignore it. It was almost 9:00 now, she didn't need to respond tonight. Another part of her wanted to call Sophia and Melanie in and ask them for advice, but that would be giving away too much. She couldn't have them (especially Sophia) knowing she was texting another girl like this. But a third part of Hayley, maybe the curious part, maybe the lonely part, maybe the part that had something to prove, moved her fingers up to the screen where they began to tap.

[Hey Charlotte]

[What's up?]

Hayley's hands shook as she stared at her messages. Time inched by at an excruciating pace, giving Hayley ample time to reflect on what she had said and regret it. She had responded too quickly, now she would look desperate. She shouldn't have asked what's up. Charlotte was probably just sending a message so Hayley would have her number. Oh god, should Hayley not have replied at all?

All her concern melted away as the three dots signaling Charlotte's imminent response appeared.

[sorry i didnt say anything at practice today. really distracted with school rn]

Hayley responded right away, already forgetting the regret she felt after doing the same thing just a moment ago.

[No worries. I know how stressful it can be sometimes]

[I don't want you to feel obligated to talk to me either. I'm just here if you need]

She winced as she watched her second message send. Was that too rude? She didn't want to make it sound like a chore to talk to Charlotte.

Fuck.

[thanks :)]

Was that genuine? Is she just trying to end the conversation? Shit. I probably sounded like a bitch. I should say something. Or maybe not? Should I give her space? Yeah, if she-

[do you wanna meet up sometime?]

Hayley was taken aback by the message. The possibility had been on her mind all week - it was exactly what she had offered, after all - and yet she never expected Charlotte to actually ask. Her mind raced, desperate to formulate a response. She couldn't meet up. What would they do? What would they even talk about?

Why is she doing this? Is she that desperate to fuck with me? Is she...

...that alone?

Hayley ran through every possible way she could refuse. She could be straightforward. She could put it off. Charlotte hadn't given her a specific date, so Hayley couldn't tell her she was busy. Could she just say that she was always busy? Maybe she could set a date then pretend to be sick? Her fingers tapped frantically across the screen, drafting message after message, refining it over and over again, but never able to send it. Her finger would hover just above the button, held back by some invisible force.

Courtesy?

Perfectionism?

...fear?

[Sure!]

[cool. we can talk about it at practice on wednesday but i was thinking maybe this weekend if that works?]

[That'd be perfect]

Hayley stared blankly at her phone, frozen in shock, unsure what had just happened. She hadn't sent those messages. Or...she had, but she hadn't meant to. They just came out. The only texts her body would let her send.

She couldn't do this. Was it too late to back out? Maybe she could come up with some excuse? Should she do it before Wednesday or wait until right before the weekend?

Her fingers sat poised above her keyboard until her phone turned off. Whatever her solution would be, it was too late to figure it out tonight. Her best bet was to just sleep on it.

***

Wednesday came faster than Hayley expected, leaving her unprepared as she walked to practice.

Charlotte, surprisingly, was just as unprepared. The response she had received was more eager than expected, to the degree that it seemed almost nonchalant, leaving her somewhat confused. Had she misinterpreted Hayley's behavior on Monday? It had always been Charlotte's intention to save their scheduling conversation for today, wanting, once again, to gauge Hayley's reaction while they planned it, but there was an added layer to it now. Charlotte had to entirely reassess Hayley.

She called out to Hayley the second she saw her, wanting to be the one to initiate the conversation.

"Hey Strickland."

"Oh, hey!"

"Hope I wasn't too forward the other day."

This was Hayley's chance. She didn't have to be rude about it. She didn't even have to be truthful. She just had to come up with some excuse for why she wasn't available this week.

"No, not at all!"

"Sweet!" Charlotte said with a grin, indicating more than just excitement. "I don't have anything going on this weekend. Is there a day that works best for you?"

No. Tell her no.

"No...I'm free any day."

What the fuck.

"Alright, how about Saturday night? I could pick you up."

Hayley's mind was a jumbled mess, leaving her unable to respond. Instead, she just nodded her head with a smile.

"Cool, see you then."

Charlotte could hardly conceal her excitement as she walked away. Hayley had replied just as casually as she had over the phone, but without the benefit of a screen to hide her face, her dissonance was palpable. She was clearly disinterested in a meeting with Charlotte, but something inside of her wouldn't let her say no. Charlotte already knew what that something was, and she was thrilled to exploit it.

Hayley spent the rest of Wednesday, including all of practice, agonizing over their conversation. Why hadn't she said no? Or, rather, why couldn't she? Charlotte wasn't Mia, Hayley didn't care what Charlotte thought about her. In fact, of everybody on the entire planet, Charlotte's opinion probably mattered the least to her. She was a nobody. Her validation meant nothing, offering neither prestige nor pride. She didn't deserve any of Hayley's attention, let alone the degree of attention she had been commanding for the past week.

So why the fuck couldn't she say no?

Was it the crying? The stupid fucking crying? Was her body just trying to avoid the incessant memory of Charlotte, alone and weeping beneath the slide, that it would force upon itself if Hayley dared to decline Charlotte's request?

Would it finally go away if they met?

Just once?

Hayley could meet Charlotte once. She could do that. And then that would be the end of it. Charlotte would see that Hayley wasn't the kind of girl she should be talking to, and Hayley could wash her hands of the entire situation knowing she at least tried.

***

"Hey," Charlotte said, leaning over to open the passenger side door.

"Hey!" Hayley replied with practiced enthusiasm, hardly making an effort to conceal her disinterest, doing so not out of concern for Charlotte's feelings but a sense of formality.

"I was thinking we could drive over to Mayer Park? There's a nice spot that I like to read at sometimes."

"Yeah, that sounds great! I'll have to be back by 8 o'clock though, I've got an early morning tomorrow."

Hayley didn't have anything in the morning, at least nothing that warranted such a bedtime. She just wanted an excuse to leave.

"Oh, that's alright," Charlotte said, letting her smile fade ever so slightly, just enough to make it noticeable while giving the appearance that she was trying to hide it. A hint of regret crept into Hayley's thoughts.

No. You're giving her 2 hours of your time. That's more than enough.

Hayley sat poised in her seat, clearly uncomfortable, her eyes locked on the road ahead and her hands resting daintily on her thighs, a juxtaposition to Charlotte's lazy slouch. The conversation between the two girls was sparse, making the 10-minute drive feel twice as long. When Charlotte did speak, it was quiet and full of reservation, sounding almost afraid to ask Hayley how her day was or how she liked track. The awkward pleasantries interspersed within barren silence fed an anxious anger that festered within Hayley, making her fidget. Her offer to Charlotte was nothing more than decorum. An obligation forced upon her by Charlotte's baffling decision to confess her deepest secret to a girl she didn't even know. It was never meant to be accepted. And now that had been, Charlotte was too afraid to have even a simple conversation.

By the time they arrived, Hayley was having trouble maintaining her unbothered exterior. Just beneath the surface was a burning desire to berate Charlotte for dragging her all the way out here and wasting her time. How much awareness did she lack to think this was normal?

"Right over here!" Charlotte said excitedly, the most confidence she had displayed all night.

Hayley gave her a curt smile and walked slowly over to a picnic table hidden between a dense grove of willow trees. She inspected the seat for any filth before sitting down across from Charlotte.

"Do you like it?" Charlotte asked, her tone hopeful. Hayley gave a small nod accompanied by an equally small smile, not even looking her in the eyes as she did. Her response was reflexive, but it really was a nice area. The cascading leaves of the willows wrapped around the small clearing where they sat, separating them from the rest of the world in an almost fantastical way. Under different circumstances, with different company, Hayley would be enjoying herself.

"Um...I wanted to say..." Charlotte's voice sounded meek, even more so than before, like it had the day of her confession. Like Sophia's had sounded the night she knocked on Hayley's door. This wasn't how Charlotte was supposed to sound. It made Hayley uncomfortable.

"Um...I'm...sorry for being creepy..."

The anger and annoyance Hayley had been feeling just a moment ago were immediately washed away in a deluge of guilt, guilt she hadn't felt since she first offered Charlotte her phone number, only exacerbated by the way she had been treating her all night. She looked towards Charlotte for the first time since entering her car, watching her gaze drop immediately in response, the guilt shooting down Hayley's spine and dissipating throughout her body, making her ache. Hayley opened her mouth to say something, but she didn't know what. Before she could, Charlotte resumed her apology.

"I didn't mean to be. I promise. It's just...I thought I saw something...and...it just made me feel less alone or something, I guess. I just...I just don't really get along with people very well...so I don't...I just didn't..." she trailed off as her voice broke.

Hayley's heart was racing. She didn't know what to do. This wasn't the Charlotte she expected. Should she say something? The two girls didn't even know each other, why was Charlotte telling her this?

It's because it's your fault.

You did this.

"Charlotte I...you're...I didn't mean to." Hayley's display of effortless confidence had all but disappeared, replaced by a nervous uncertainty. "I mean it wasn't...I was just upset that day. It had been a long weekend, and I wasn't feeling very good. I-"

Charlotte glanced up with damp eyelashes. She looked exactly like she had in Hayley's dream.

"I'm s-"

Say it.

"I'm s-"

Fucking say it.

"...you're not creepy."

Charlotte let her gaze fall back down.

"No, I am. You were right. I shouldn't have followed you that night after the fair."

Hayley felt a spark of pride at Charlotte's admission, but it was just as quickly snuffed out by her tears.

"No, Charlotte, you're..."

Hayley felt the same way she had when she tried to comfort Sophia, drowning in guilt and regret, completely unsure of what to do. With Sophia, at least she could hug her, but she didn't know Charlotte well enough to do that, so she was left with only her words.

"I...you..."

"Oh god now I'm crying in front of you, I'm so sorry Hayley. I shouldn't have brought you all the way out here."

"No!" Hayley said reflexively, embarrassed by how loudly it came out. Charlotte looked up with surprise, the pressure now on Hayley to continue the conversation.

"I didn't mean it. I was just...I wasn't...I didn't mean it. I promise."

It was clear that Charlotte still didn't believe her, the surprise on her face melting back into anxiety.

"Charlotte...I..." Hayley took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm sorry."

Charlotte's sniffling stopped.