Homeomorphism - Step 0

"I didn't...I'm sorry I said those things. I'm sorry."

The corners of Charlotte's mouth turned upwards ever so slightly, her eyes filled with gratitude as they met Hayley's, filling her with relief.

"...I probably should've knocked before coming in, huh?" Charlotte whispered with a tiny chuckle.

Hayley let herself chuckle too. "Yeah, you could've knocked." For the second time since it happened, Hayley asked herself how Charlotte had actually got inside. She thought about asking but this wasn't the time. Maybe she had left the door propped open on accident? Maybe she-

Hayley felt something cold on her hand and looked down to see Charlotte's, her pale skin and black nail polish contrasting with Hayley's light tan.

"Thank you, Hayley," she said with a smile, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her other arm.

"Of course. I know what it's like to-" Hayley stopped herself, unsure why she started in the first place.

"You know what what's like?"

"Oh...um...nothing."

"You better not say you know what it's like not to get along with other people." Charlotte said with mock annoyance, making sure to grin so Hayley knew it wasn't genuine. Her confidence had grown noticeably. "You literally get along with everyone."

Hayley shook her head with a smile. "No...I was...it was nothing."

The girls sat there in silence for a moment before Hayley spoke up, her voice still lacking its usual confidence.

"Um...why did you want to meet up tonight?"

"I don't know," Charlotte said with a coy smile. "Why did you give me your number?"

Hayley was caught off guard by the question. She was just trying to do something nice, right?

...right?

The echoes of her earlier annoyance reverberated in Hayley's mind. Why would Charlotte ask that? Couldn't she just accept it?

"Um...I guess I felt bad about what I said at the meet...or...yeah..."

"So did you not want me to actually text you?" Despite Charlotte's playful tone, Hayley looked panicked.

"Wha- no! That's not...I didn't..."

"Calm down, Strickland," Charlotte laughed. "Guilty conscience."

Hayley's looked away, trying to hide the redness on her face. Why was she having so much trouble talking to Charlotte? It was annoying her. Renewing her anger. As if on cue, Charlotte's playfulness melted back into vulnerability, shattering Hayley's frustration for the second time that night.

"It means a lot to me, you know. Thank you."

All Hayley could do was nod and smile, hoping it came across as warm as she intended. The girls lingered in the resulting silence, Charlotte's eyes on Hayley and Hayley's lost among the trees, before Charlotte resumed their conversation.

"Why do you think I wanted to meet up tonight?" Charlotte asked, her mischievous tone returning. Hayley response was a look of bewilderment, genuinely unsure of what to say. "I mean I could be taking you out here to kill you. Or maybe to confess my love?"

The discomfort on Hayley's face made Charlotte roll her eyes. "Oh, come on Strickland! I know you can dish it out. Come on. Come onnnnn."

Charlotte was right, Hayley usually didn't have any trouble retorting the playful taunts of her teammates, maybe not with as much wit as somebody like Sophia could, but with enough to stand her ground. Often, she didn't even feel the need to reply, whether it was because she didn't care enough to or because her calm demeanor spoke for her, it was just as effective of a response. But here, in this moment, it was like she forgot how. It had been the same after the bus ride home, sitting beneath the harsh orange of the streetlight with Mia, but Hayley understood why it had happened then. She hated it just as much, but at least she understood it. This, she didn't understand, and it was driving her mad.

Charlotte didn't wait long for a response before dropping her head to the table, burying her chin between crossed arms and staring upwards into Hayley's averted gaze, feigning a sheepishness she didn't actually feel.

"I wanted to meet up because...I guess after what I said at the track meet and you giving me your number and everything, I just felt like I owed you an explanation. And not just a text or whatever. But now we're here and I don't know anymore. I mean we barely even know each other. I don't know what I was thinking."

For the second time that night, Hayley's let her eyes meet Charlotte's. Hayley's discomfort was still there, but it was marked with undeniable sympathy now.

"I don't- I'm not very good at this kind of stuff."

"Ugh, I'm sorry," Charlotte choked. "This was a stupid idea. I just...I don't really have anybody I can talk to She began to stand up, her posture sulking. "I can drive you back."

"No!" Hayley blurted out, making Charlotte freeze. "I- you- I mean...you can just talk to me if you want. I can listen."

A tiny smile crossed Charlottes face, one that could easily be interpreted as gratitude but was really just an indication of the immense excitement Charlotte was feeling. Offering a ride had been a risk, Charlotte hadn't even planned on doing so, but it felt like the right thing to say in the moment, and it had paid off. Hayley's response may have seemed like concern, but Charlotte knew that it was really just a selfish desire to hear her spill her guts, finally confess what she had hinted at before the track meet. Charlotte would give Hayley what she wanted, but she would have to earn it with her own honesty.

Charlotte sat back down with a grateful smile.

"How do you...get everybody to like you?" she asked, shamefully.

Hayley gave a look of sympathy. "Oh, I don't think everybody likes me."

Charlotte scoffed. "It's so much worse that you're humble about it, you know." She quickly added a shy smile, afraid her comment came across as annoyed rather than complimentary. "I just don't get it. It's like there's something wrong with me."

Hayley wasn't sure what the right response was. Should she double down, reassuring Charlotte that she wasn't as loved as Charlotte imagined? Should she encourage Charlotte to talk to others? Tell her that it was just Hayley's looks they admired?

"You know, back in middle school, I didn't have a single friend."

Charlotte looked at Hayley with disbelief. "Yeah right. Hayley Strickland didn't have one single friend?"

This wasn't something Hayley liked to talk about. Even now, she hated that she had brought it up, but just like when she was texting Charlotte, her body had responded all on its own. "Yeah...I didn't really trust anybody. I thought they all hated me...for some reason." Charlotte's disbelief became worry, her eyes softening. "Even in high school...I mostly kept to myself."

"But you're so..." Charlotte's sentence caught in her throat, "...pretty. I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Thank you," Hayley interrupted, "you're pretty too. You know that right?"

"...not like you."

"Oh please, literally every guy on the planet goes crazy for goth girls."

"What if...I'm not into guys?"

Hayley was caught off guard by the admission but didn't let it show, knowing how stressful it could be to come out to somebody new even if it was something you'd done 100 times before. "Well then it sounds like us girls are the lucky ones."

Charlotte smiled, blushing.

The two girls quickly lost themselves in their conversation, their initial discomfort and awkwardness disappearing entirely as they traded stories, taking turns comforting and complementing each other. Hayley had never opened up to somebody so quickly before. Even with Sophia, it had been several months before she was able to talk about the things she was telling Charlotte. Of course, that didn't mean Hayley trusted Charlotte more, not even close, but there was an odd feeling of relief that Hayley felt while talking to her Charlotte. Relief brought on by an affinity Hayley hadn't yet acknowledged. Unfortunately for her, Charlotte wasn't feeling the same way. Her behavior was all a performance, constructed with meticulous deliberation, strategically revealing secrets about her own life, all the while, dangling the carrot of her ultimate secret just beyond Hayley's reach, coaxing her deeper and deeper into the forest of vulnerability, of dependence, where she intended to trap her. Hayley talked about her childhood, how she had to move schools when she was young and how alone it made her feel, how her parents never really understood how it made her feel. She talked about track and how happy it made her. How proud. She talked about how insecure she used to be. Before either girl realized it, their time was up.

"Oh shit, its almost 8," Charlotte said, sitting up straight. "You have to get home."

Hayley shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Um...I can actually stay out a little later, if you want. I'll be fine."

"No, no, I don't want to fuck up your sleep schedule, you've already given me enough of your time."

Hayley was too embarrassed to ask for more, reluctantly standing up and starting towards the car. Just before opening the door, Charlotte's voice quietly called out to her.

"Hayley?"

Hayley turned around to see Charlotte right behind her, much closer than she had realized.

"I just wanted to say...um..." Charlotte twisted back and forth, biting her lip nervously. "Can I...can I hug you?"

Hayley was surprised by the request, making Charlotte shrink back in shame.

"Never mind," she quickly said, "I'm sorry, I-"

Hayley stepped forwards, her own movements unsteady and nervous, and wrapped her arms around Charlotte. She could feel Charlotte's arms rise hesitantly before wrapping themselves around her in return.

"Thank you for talking to me. You don't know how much it means."

"Yeah, of course" Hayley said softly.

Charlotte pulled herself away slowly, wiping a single tear from her eye with an embarrassed giggle. "Sorry. I don't know what that was about."

"It's okay," Hayley said with a kind smile.

"Alright," Charlotte cleared her throat, "time to get you home."

The girls drove home in silence, but it wasn't an awkward silence like it had been earlier that night, in fact, it was the opposite. The girls sat in it comfortably, letting their conversation settle. When they arrived at Hayley's apartment, Charlotte pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car, neither girl sure of what to do next.

"Hayley...if I tell you something...do you promise you'll never tell anybody else?"

"Of course. You can tell me." Hayley did her best to hide the desperate curiosity in her voice.

"Ever?"

"Ever."

Charlottes breath shook. "I...I have..." She shrunk into the corner of her seat, shaking her head. "No. N-n- never mind. I can't."

Hayley reached her hand over and took ahold of Charlotte's. "I know you don't know me that well, so if you don't want to, you don't have to. But I'm here for you, okay? You can trust me. I promise." It was the most confident she had sounded all night.

God, she's actually desperate, Charlotte thought to herself. She looked up with tearful eyes, eyes that were fearful but glimmered with hope. "You promise?"

Hayley squeezed her hand. "Cross my heart."

"I, um...I'm a..." Charlotte's voice broke at the word, barely managing to squeak it out, "hermaphrodite."

A frigid shiver ran down Hayley's spine, fear and astonishment coursing through her body simultaneously, making her nauseous.

"Oh god...I shouldn't have...Hayley, I'm-"

Hayley lunged across the console separating the two of them and wrapped her arms around Charlotte tightly, trying to support her as best she could. "Thank you for telling me," she whispered.

Charlotte sniffled, too weak to hug her back. "You know what that is?"

Hayley nodded her head, slowly letting go of Charlotte. "I...I think I've read about it."

Charlotte pulled herself away gently, looking at Hayley with pleading eyes. "But you...you're not...?"

Hayley's eyes gave away a momentary contemplation, then a panic as she shook her head, barely able to move it from side to side. Charlotte looked down in disappointment.

"Oh..."

Hayley reached out to take ahold of her hands again, squeezing both of them inside hers. "Charlotte, I won't tell anybody. Ever."

Charlotte smiled, finally relaxing in her seat and meeting Hayley's eyes. "Thank you," she sniffled.

The two girls sat quietly in the car for a long time, Charlotte letting herself be held and Hayley refusing to let go. Finally, Charlotte broke the silence with a whisper.

"Thank you, Hayley. For everything. I'll see you at practice, right?"

Hayley's mouth parted, moving slightly as the ghost of words caught in her throat escaped her lips. She let her mouth close, smiling with a nod instead. She exited the car slowly, looking like she was trying to remember something she forgot, unable to.

"Um...Hayley?" Charlotte called out behind her, giving Hayley an excuse to turn around, her face understanding and curious.

"Yeah?"

"Do you...want to meet up again...sometime?"

Hayley face broke into a smile, not one of kindness or sympathy, but of excitement. "Yes," she said softly, doing her best to contain her elation.

"Cool. I'll text you?"

Hayley nodded excitedly, her eyes darting back and forth from Charlotte's to the ground.

"Goodnight, Hayley."

"Goodnight."

Charlotte's mind was a mess as she drove home. The night went perfectly, even better than expected, in fact. She had drowned Hayley in vulnerability - fraudulent, practiced vulnerability - for hours, weighing on her guilt and insecurity. In all honesty, she didn't expect it to be so easy. She thought Hayley would have been more confident, but she could hardly squeeze out an entire sentence before succumbing to her embarrassment. It was wonderful. Yet her memories of the night were tainted with the bitter taste of dissatisfaction. It was the feeling that something had gone wrong, but she couldn't figure out what. By the time she got home, her confusion had mutated into anger, coursing throughout her body and making her shake. She marched quickly into her house, heading straight for her room. She needed to distract herself.

She pulled up the video on her phone and scrubbed straight to Hayley's slack jawed moment of orgasm, a sight that had never failed to turn her on before. But now, as she started at it, it was doing nothing more than fueling her confusion. Her anger.

Fuck. What the fuck.

She shoved her hand down her pants, trying to force her way through the moment. It wasn't immediate, but as Charlotte rubbed relentlessly across her unwilling clit, she could feel her discomfort begin to fade away, replaced with the blissful pleasure she had expected, the events of the night now making the video even hotter. Hayley's pathetic orgasm face was only accentuated by the fear and embarrassment she had displayed all night. Charlotte confidence began to return, her dissatisfaction a distant memory now, leaving only excitement. Excitement at how well the night had gone. Excitement at what was to come.

***

The girls met up again the following weekend. Twice. Once Saturday night and again Sunday afternoon. Charlotte would encourage Hayley to participate in revealing games or share personal stories, always willing to do so herself. Hayley obliged, her stories becoming more intimate, sharing memories only Sophia had heard.

With every story, every secret, Hayley followed Charlotte deeper into the woods towards her inevitable ruin. Willingly, happily, she followed, feeding a deep and sadistic excitement within Charlotte, unlike anything else she had ever experienced.

But there was something else. Something lurking just below. Charlotte tried to ignore it, but with every meeting, every conversation, it ate away at her excitement, growing fatter, commanding her attention. It was the most unbearable when she was with Hayley, amidst the moments of vulnerability they shared, writhing around in Charlotte's mind, smothering her excitement entirely, making her sick.

Charlotte prayed that it was something, anything, other than what she already knew it was.

The Hayley she met at track practice two years ago, the Hayley she knew, the Hayley she hated, was cold. She presented herself like royalty, imposingly disinterested in everyone around her, certain they would all come flocking to her anyway. She never stuttered or tripped over her own feet, never slouched, never looked tired or disheveled. She completed any task given to her flawlessly, drawing never-ending praise and attention. Everybody loved her, and she knew it. She exploited it. Flawlessly.

The Hayley Charlotte met beneath the willow trees wasn't the same person. She was quiet. Soft. Afraid. She struggled to formulate entire sentences, losing the words somewhere between shame and uncertainty, never able to look Charlotte in the eyes for longer than it took her to realize Charlotte was looking back. She was kind, always quick to reassure Charlotte when she put herself down. Always willing to listen. She was often reluctant to share her stories at first, but it never took much encouragement to convince her otherwise, almost as if all she needed was an excuse. But what shocked Charlotte the most was how much she actually enjoyed their time together. Despite her timidness, Hayley's intelligence was evident, making her capable of deep and thoughtful conversation and, in her fleeting moments of confidence, wit and banter, genuinely making Charlotte laugh. She even had a playfulness to her that Charlotte would try to tease out, feeling strangely proud when she was successful.

Charlotte thought she had planned for every possibility. Every action or reaction, like it was a game of chess. She was sure of it. But there was one she hadn't prepared for. One she hadn't even considered. The possibility that she might like Hayley.

Charlotte did her best to remind herself why she was doing this. Remind herself what kind of person Hayley truly was. Why she needed to be punished. But those thoughts would only provoke the insatiable beast - the insatiable guilt - that fed on Charlotte's happiness.

Their meetings grew longer, the girls talking for hours on end, sometimes about nothing in particular, just looking for an excuse to be in each other's company. Charlotte's questions no longer served her hidden agenda, at least not intentionally. They were real, born of genuine curiosity. She wanted to know Hayley, and she wanted Hayley to know her.

On a chilly evening in late September, a month since they first met, the girls decided to drive up Mt. Antigone to stargaze. They drove aimlessly atop the mountain until they found a secluded pull-off free from any other cars, walking a short distance to a bench that overlooked the city. The sun was setting when they arrived, setting the tall glass buildings beneath them ablaze and basking the rest of the city in a warm glow.

As the night drew on and the sky grew dark, Charlotte crept closer to Hayley. Hayley didn't move away, letting Charlotte's thighs graze against hers every time she shifted or one of them laughed. The girls were sitting quietly, admiring the dancing lights of the city below and the sparking stars above when Charlotte spoke, her tone playful.

"Have you ever played four by four?"

"Four by four?"

"Mmhmm."

"Uh-uh."

Charlotte turned her head, resting it on her shoulder, transfixed by the beauty of the girl sitting beside her. Hayley's gaze darted nervously between the ground and the skyline. As comfortable as the two girls had become, it was apparent that she was still intimidated by Charlotte, making the raven-haired girl smile with pride.

"You're not gonna like it."

Charlotte spoke softly, the same way you would speak to somebody falling asleep beside you in bed, with a tone that was reassuring despite the words it accompanied. A slight concern crossed Hayley's face, but her curiosity kept her silent. Charlotte turned herself on the bench so she was facing Hayley, one of her legs pressing firmly against the bench back while the other hung awkwardly off the seat so she could reach forward and take Hayley's hand in her own. Hayley flinched at her touch, and only partially because of the cold.