How Do I Write the Next Line?

"Are you busy tonight?"

"I don't think so, why?"

"You mind if I bring Chelsea and Joshua over, say around six?"

I sighed. I wasn't really in the head space to babysit but if things didn't get better with Josie, I didn't know how many more times I'd get to see my grandchildren. That thought made my stomach turn. I said, "Yeah, that's fine."

I browsed around the internet for an hour and grilled myself a steak for dinner. Lucas arrived with the kids about the time I was cleaning up. I greeted Chelsea with a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, then took Joshua, who gurgled in appreciation.

Lucas caught me glancing past him. "Josie stayed home."

"Oh." I took the diaper bag from him and set it by the door. "Well, I have them in hand if you need to get going."

"No, I don't need to go anywhere. I just wanted them to see you."

Confused, I nodded and turned to the kids.

Like most three-year-olds, Chelsea babbled a hundred questions a minute and she soon had me smiling and laughing along with her. Joshua just liked being held but didn't fuss when I set him down. Lucas stayed in the background, fiddling with his phone or hanging out on the back porch.

By nine, Chelsea had burned out and was asleep on the couch. Joshua too had dozed off. I quietly opened the back door and joined Lucas, leaving it ajar so I could hear if the kids woke up. "I think they're about done in."

"I'll take them home in a moment."

"Thanks for bringing them over."

"Yeah, no problem." Lucas looked at me. "Dad, you know I want you in their life, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Josie told me what happened--at least, I think she did." He hesitated. "When you threw her out the other day, she just told me you had a fight but when I pressed her, she admitted that Mom had an affair for years and she knew about it, and covered it up from you. Is that right?"

"Pretty much."

"Josie always talked about how much she loved and respected you--about how lucky she felt to have you as a father. I can't believe she'd do that to you." He sighed. "I don't know what she was thinking."

"Are you and Josie going to be all right?"

Lucas stared into the dark of night. "I don't know. Let's just say this fractured my trust in her in a massive way. I thought we were on the same page about the importance of honesty and fidelity but I guess not. We had the worst fight of our marriage. Things are tense."

"Bad?"

"Yeah, it's bad."

I didn't say anything. Lucas and Josie had a rough start to their marriage but they'd both fought really hard to make it work, and now all that work was in jeopardy. Carolyn's selfishness is the gift that keeps on giving.

We sat in silence for a moment. At last, my son-in-law heaved his shoulders. "Whatever happens between Josie and me, I want you in the kids' lives. Even if she and I don't make it, I won't keep them away from you, no matter what she says."

I suddenly recalled when I'd first met Lucas, right after Josie admitted to Carolyn and me that she was pregnant. He'd been dressed like a skater, with baggy cargo shorts and a backward baseball cap, and his speech was laced with "dude" and "like." I'd wondered about his integrity, ambition, and a hundred other things a father worries about for his daughter's partner. After my first impression, I'd despaired about Lucas's ability or desire to stick it out with Josie for the long haul, or even to be a good father.

Now, as we stood and I shook his hand, I'd never been so glad to admit I'd been wrong.

Lucas collected the kids and left. I half-watched some documentary on the history of muscle cars until I felt sleep overtaking me, then retired to the guest bedroom.

#

The furniture delivery guys were on time the next morning. I paid the extra fee to have them cart off the old frame and mattress. I replaced the sheet and comforters, then surveyed the effort.

A good first step.

Boxing up the remnants of Carolyn's presence took less time than I expected. The bulk of her stuff--clothes, books, and the like--had already gone, so it was down to memories and memorabilia. I took down any pictures that included Carolyn. Her wedding dress got sloughed into a box. The decorative salt and pepper shakers--that we had given each other on our first anniversary when we were dirt poor and had long since assumed a spot on our mantle as a reminder of our love--ended up in a shoe box of similar items.

I'd also placed her ashes on the mantle. Trite, I know, but I really hadn't had another plan. The urn went into a box.

At one point, I remembered our songbook. I surrendered to temptation and flipped back through the memories of our happy life. Each stung a bit less than I expected. But there won't be any more verses. There can't be. How could I write another? I can't even write the next line for my life, let alone the life that's gone now. It got boxed as well.

When I moved a bunch of stuff into the guest bedroom, I once again saw the note Vi had left me, which spurred a thought. I dug my phone out of my pocket and dialed. Her voice came over the line, guarded but friendly. "Good morning, Ted. How are you doing?"

"Fine. Vi, I'm packing up what's left of Carolyn's stuff. Mostly pictures and some memorabilia I kept. It's all leaving the house but before I get rid of any of it, I was curious whether you'd like to come over and check, to see if there's anything of hers you'd like to keep--you know, as a memory of happier times."

"Thank you, Ted, that's very kind. What's a good time for you?"

"I'll be here all day."

"I'll be there in an hour. Would ... no, never mind."

"What?"

"Would ... would it be all right if I brought lunch? Or is that too much, too soon?"

I smiled. "That would be fine, Vi. I'll be running around the house, so just come in."

After we hung up, I called the kids, starting with David and Clarissa. Both of them had already chosen a few things to remember their mother by and declined to take anything else. Josie did the same and asked in a hesitant voice if I was still angry at her.

"Not angry, Josie. Disappointed ... and that's worse."

She sniffled. "Are you really getting rid of every picture you have of Mom?"

"That's the plan."

She hung up on me.

Vi arrived shortly after. From the kitchen, where I was doing a few dishes, I heard the door open and her call my name. I wiped my hands on a dish towel and met her coming down the hall. She smiled at me and hefted a brown paper bag bearing a red logo. I spotted a telltale dab of oil in the corner of the bag and a delicious aroma hit my nose.

She waggled the bag. "Since you didn't say, I took a chance that you still liked Kouri's. Pork gyro, with tzatziki and French fries stuffed inside. Is that still your favorite?"

"That's ... perfect."

"How could I forget, after all the times we--" Vi's smile slipped. "I mean ..."

I knew what she meant.

Kouri's Deli, a semi-dive not too far away from where we lived, was a regular haunt for her, Carolyn, and me--and her ex-husband Owen, when he was still around. Carolyn and Vi usually teased me about my limited palette, since I always ordered the same thing. No doubt, she was worried about bringing up those memories with me.

I shook my head. "Vi, you don't have to walk on eggshells. Carolyn's name is going to come up. You're not about to try to polish her actions or get me to see her side of it, are you?"

"Not at all."

"Then don't worry about putting your foot in your mouth. Talking or even thinking about Carolyn isn't high on my list of priorities but I'm not going to hide from her, either."

She grinned. "Okay. Why don't we eat while these are still warm? Are the plates still in the same cabinet?"

"Yep."

Vi got down plates while I poured us each a glass of red wine. Watching her bustle about the kitchen brought dual pangs of regret and anger--the former because I'd missed out on so much time with a dear friend, and the latter because of what Carolyn's actions had stolen from all of us.

Concentrate on the now, man.

We made small talk as we ate. She told me her work was going well, though it was something she did to live, versus living to work. I discovered she'd taken up photography as a hobby and made her give up the web address for her online portfolio. I wished I'd had something interesting to tell her but she knew all my recent "good" news.

Once finished, I put our plates in the sink, and we retired to the living room with our drinks. I sat on the long couch with her. "How is Adam?"

Her eyes lit with delight. "He's doing great. He got promoted and he's thinking of staying in for a full twenty now. I wish I got to see him more but he calls me twice a week whenever he's on shore duty."

"Is he still stationed in Hawaii?"

"Yeah." Her smile grew a bit wistful. "So far away from his old mom."

"You're hardly old, Vi."

"You wouldn't know it. Every picture I see of him on the beach, he's surrounded by all these hot young ladies in their swimsuits. That reminds me of just how many years have passed." She poked her midsection. "I wouldn't dare put on a bikini these days."

I injected some playful sarcasm into my voice. "Yeah, like Steve Rogers once said, I bet you look terrible in one now."

She blushed and lowered her eyes.

I winced. Yeah, that's me, as smooth as cheese grater. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make things uncomfortable."

"No, it's fine, Ted." She gazed into my eyes and smiled. "You always did say the right things."

Beads of sweat dotted my forehead before I looked away. The moment of silence hung between us. I cleared my throat. "Well, this is awkward."

"I ... I guess this will take us some time."

"Yeah."

Vi bit her lip. "At the risk of souring the conversation, have you talked to Josie yet?"

"I haven't, and I'm not sure I will any time soon." I recalled what Vi had said when she met me on the porch. An unpleasant thought came to mind. "You said Josie had been calling you?"

"Yes."

"Was that why you came over? Because she asked you to?"

Vi shook her head. "No, that just gave me an excuse. I wanted to see you myself."

I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe the Vi I had known wouldn't try to manipulate me like that. Trouble is, you're going to have a hard time trusting any woman now, and you know it. "Okay, I'll take that at face value ... but understand something, Vi: trust is at a premium for me now." I decided to push her. "Did she tell you how she found out about Carolyn's affair?"

"I guess Carolyn told her when Josie was in college and Josie all but swooned about it." Vi made a face. "She babbled about how romantic it was. I don't think she meant because Carolyn was cheating on you. I think she's enamored with the notion ... you know, the idea of star-crossed lovers who can only meet once or twice a year, where they can be together, like in the movie Same Time, Next Year. No distractions, no outside world, just them and their 'pure love.' " She hooked her fingers in the air with the last two words.

"That's Josie, always looking for a fairy tale." I wiped my hands on my pants legs. Vi's answer had been immediate and direct. If she was covering for Josie, she was doing a lousy job of it. Or is she trying to make it look worse for Josie than it is? I suppressed a growl. And this is exactly the problem: once you start down the road of not trusting people, it snowballs. I said, "I suppose she wanted you to talk me down."

"Yes but I told her I wouldn't, and that she needed to talk to you on her own, and give you space until you were ready."

"Good answer but I don't think she will. Right now, she doesn't see how bad this hurt me. She hasn't even apologized in any real way." I glanced at Vi. "Do you agree with her? About the fairy tale?"

Vi smiled. "No. Don't get me wrong, I understand the emotional lure of such an arrangement. On some level, the whole notion--checking out of reality, to just be a lover and drown in dopamine for a few days, before going back to your regular life--would appeal to a lot of women. Probably a lot of men too."

"That's not reassuring."

"Well, integrity and impulse control are things too. We're supposed to act on logic instead of emotions, and weigh costs and benefits. I met people I liked while I was married to Owen but I was never really tempted because the cost--to my family, to our finances, to our future, and to my own soul--would have been far too great ... and I did love my husband. Weren't you ever attracted to a woman during your marriage?"

I snorted. "Of course I was but there was no way. I loved my wife. I wish Carolyn would have felt the same way. I guess she never loved me as much as I thought, or as much as I loved her."

"I think she did, Ted." Vi leaned toward me and patted my hand. "She gushed over how much she was in love with you, and the longer you were married, the more she talked you up. I think she just compartmentalized herself into a different person when she was on those trips, to where you and her didn't even exist. When she was with you, Brady didn't exist."

My lips pressed into a thin line. "I might buy that if she wasn't emailing him when she was on 'my time,' or whatever you want to call it. He knew about me but I didn't know about him, so as far as I'm concerned, that meant Carolyn put me second overall."

Vi didn't respond but only nodded and sipped her drink.

"I keep thinking I should have seen something, you know? Some sign that she was so sneaky. I never did and that makes me wonder what else I've been missing."

"It wasn't just you." Vi shifted and crossed her legs. "Remember, I knew Carolyn her whole life and I never would have pegged her to do something like this either. She had always been scrupulously honest." She sighed. "Of course, I found myself questioning that, looking back at every other instance where I wondered if she was stretching the truth."

I chuckled at that, recognizing my own thoughts of a few seconds earlier. "Same. That's the trouble: once the trust is gone, it's hard to recover, and the bigger the breach, the harder the recovery."

Her voice was small. "I know. I hope you'll trust me again, at some point."

"I guess we'll have to see."

#

Vi stayed for most of the afternoon and our conversation turned to more pleasant subjects. As we laughed and talked, I was reminded why I liked her so much. I grilled us some salmon and vegetables and we talked some more. Vi finally left around eight, pleading chores needing to be finished before work the next day. Between a full belly and a couple of glasses of wine, I didn't feel like hauling Carolyn's crap to the trash bin behind the house--and Vi hadn't even peeked to see if she wanted anything, which had been the whole reason I called her. I stacked the boxes in the spare bedroom, figuring I'd deal with it later.

Vi texted me to check on me the next morning and we developed a running conversation, just updating each other on how things were going. We met for lunch in the middle of the week and seeing her enter the cafe in her trim business suit--complete with a streamlined pencil skirt that highlighted her firm legs--I was again reminded of what an attractive woman she was. Her eyes lit up on seeing me and we had a pleasant meal.

Lucas brought the kids by again. Things had evidently not thawed between him and Josie. He reported that Josie had adamantly denied that she would ever cheat on him, but had also refused to condemn her mother's actions. The moment the subject came up, his eyes shifted to a dull look and his voice became monotone. The rift between them seemed to be widening and I hoped my oldest daughter would pull her head out of her ass before the damage became irreparable.

David and Clarissa came home that weekend and we had a good visit. Neither of them brought up Josie, though I knew they went to see her for a few hours. It was pretty quiet when they left for school late Sunday afternoon. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my social life had just about shut down. My friends and coworkers had intermittently tried to get me to come out and do stuff with them after Carolyn's death but I'd always declined.

Then I remembered that a few guys from my team were going to a local sports bar to watch football that evening. They'd asked me to join them but I'd demurred.

I've kept myself locked in the past. First step forward. I grabbed a jacket and drove out.

As promised, the boys were at the bar, including Jeff and Robb, two guys I was decently close to. Our families had some barbecues and the like over the years, but like my other friends, I'd held them at bay for months.

Robb was the first one to see me. His eyes widened, followed by a fast grin that filled his face. He waved me over and stood as I arrived. "Ted. Glad you decided to join us."

"Yeah, well, I was tired of sitting around alone and feeling sorry for myself."

Jeff flagged down a passing waitress and asked for a fresh mug for me. He smirked. "So you came out here to feel sorry for yourself with us?"

"Something like that."

He laughed and slapped the back of a chair next to him. I sat.

I was never an enormous sports fan and since the Seahawks were getting mauled by the Bears, the game wasn't that interesting anyway. We spent the balance of the evening swapping jokes and playing darts. As Robb tossed his last dart and went to the board to collect them, I realized I was having more fun than I'd had in a long time.

I bet Vi would have had fun with us.

I blinked, wondering why I'd thought about her ... and then realized I hadn't thought about Carolyn all evening.

Robb rejoined me. "You're up, though I don't know why you bother. You aren't going to--" He paused and peered at me. "You all right?"

I shook myself. "Yeah."

"You're thinking about her."

"A little."

He nodded. He and Jeff knew what had happened to Carolyn, though nothing about her secret life or her affairs. Robb scratched his chin. "Ted, it's going to take time. But it's good that you got out. I'm sure Carolyn would have wanted you to get on with your life at some point."

I couldn't say I'd been thinking of Vi and not Carolyn, so I just nodded.

The evening wound down and I decided to head home for some rest. Jeff and Robb stated they planned on doing the same the following Sunday evening and asked me back. I said I would be.

The next few weeks passed and every day, I woke up feeling a little better. I continued to get together with the guys from work, which showed me just how much I'd been neglecting my friends. I hooked back up with some guys I hiked with and we were blessed with a rarity--a sunny Portland weekend in November--so we hit up the Washington Park Loop. An easy hike, but one where we could chat and bullshit, and it was just good to get out.

Somehow, I kept passing by the guest bedroom and glancing at the stack of Carolyn's pictures and such. Each time, I vowed to dispose of it that same day ... and each time, I promptly forgot about it.

Vi and I continued to meet for lunch once or twice a week and texted daily. We fell back into our old familiar friendship without even trying. I looked forward to our banter and joking.

With Thanksgiving approaching, I knew I had to make some plans. I didn't know what to do about Josie but figured I could be civil for a few hours if we established some ground rules about conversation topics.

In the end, the decision was taken out of my hands. A week beforehand, I called Clarissa and asked about her and David coming home for the long weekend. She hesitated, then said, "Uhm, Josie called and asked us to come stay with her. She's not doing well. Lucas moved out on Tuesday."

Oh shit. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah, she kinda begged me and David to stay with her. I talked to him and he agreed. Dad ... would you consider calling her? I know what you're going to say but she's really having a rough time."