How Do I Write the Next Line?

"Me too."

We fixed some pasta together, ate, snuggled on the couch, made love, and fell asleep holding each other.

Vi pretty much moved in with me after that. I had some residual concerns that we were rushing too fast and that being in each other's space would be counterproductive--that old idea that familiarity breeds contempt. But I think the years of close friendship paved the way for us, as we fell into cohabiting like we had been doing it for years.

We discussed how to tell our kids. Vi's son Adam took it in stride; he knew me well enough from growing up and we'd always gotten along. His voice crackled over the phone from Hawaii. "Ted, I just want my mom to be happy. Take care of her."

"I can't do anything but, buddy."

David and Clarissa were a little more reserved when we first told them. They knew and liked Vi but I'm sure they thought it was a little strange. Even so, they both sounded happy to come home and spend the semester break over Christmas with us both. By the time we ended the phone call, I think they'd both accepted it. Vi and Clarissa even made plans to go out and spend some "girl time" together so David and I could do some man-bonding alone, and the kids liked that idea.

I introduced Lucas to Vi the next time he brought the grandkids. He'd heard of her but Vi and Carolyn's split had come around the time Josie and him were dating. He and Vi got along and she was a natural with the children, especially Chelsea, who seemed to really like her.

Lucas pulled me aside while Vi was occupied with Chelsea and Joshua. "Have you told Josie?"

"We're not speaking. What's up with you two?"

He sighed. "I guess we're moving to a formal separation."

My chest tightened. "And divorce?"

"Remains to be seen. She wants to do counseling. Should I?"

I hesitated. "Lucas, I can't answer that for you. I will say that if you think anything can be salvaged, you should fight for your marriage ... but if the trust is gone, it's gone. Only you know the answer to that. Whatever you do, I'll understand."

"I know, Dad." He smiled briefly. "Thanks."

I told Vi about the conversation afterward. We'd already discussed Josie and her marital situation enough that she knew the details. She asked, "So what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to do anything. They have to work this out."

"No, I meant between you and Josie."

"Nothing. If Josie wants anything, she knows where I am."

Which is pretty much what happened.

Two weeks after Thanksgiving, I rose early on a Saturday morning, started a fire in the fireplace, and puttered around the kitchen. The coffee maker sputtered to life, which was good, as I knew I could use a bolt of caffeine. Vi and I had an active evening and I was still feeling it.

I was considering preparing breakfast and taking it to bed when I heard the front door open. The door had been locked, so I grabbed the steel meat mallet from the basket on the counter and ducked into the living room--where I found a wide-eyed Josie staring at me. Her eyes flicked to the mallet. "Dad?"

"Josie." I put the mallet on the nearby end table. "You scared the shit out of me. How'd you get in?"

"I used the hidden key."

"Okay. What are you doing here?"

She bit her lip. "I wanted to know if it was true."

I decided to play dumb. "If what was true?"

"That you and Vi are together now."

"That's none of your business anymore, Josephine. In fact, nothing I do is your business anymore. You made that pretty clear."

Her eyes watered and her lips trembled.

A voice drifted from behind. "Ted? Is someone here?"

In a flash, Josie's face screwed up in a snarl.

Vi emerged from the hallway. Her hair was disheveled, as though she had just risen from bed, which I am sure she had. She wore a pair of gym shorts and a button-down shirt that was clearly mine. Her bare feet padded on the floor.

Vi stopped when she saw my daughter and nodded. "Josie."

"You ... you ..." Josie's head swiveled back and forth between us.

"Josie--"

She wheeled on Vi. "How can you do this?"

"Josie, listen." Ever the empath and diplomat, Vi kept her voice smooth and calm. "What's going on with me and Ted--with your dad--isn't anything bad."

"Like hell it isn't!" Josie screamed. "You've probably been fucking each other the whole time!"

"We haven't." Vi took a step forward, her hand raised. "Josie, please. We're adults and we care about each other. What's wrong with that?"

"You're betraying my mother!

For a half-second, I was stunned by the sheer chutzpah. Then I started to laugh.

Josie's hands balled to fists. "It's not funny."

"My ass, it's not." My laughs tapered away. "Your mother was cheating on me for fucking YEARS!" I roared the last word for emphasis, which was not lost on either woman, as both of them jumped. Calming myself, I continued. "I was faithful and true to your mother, for the entirety of our marriage. I never even looked at another woman. But Carolyn is gone, Josie. Even you will admit your mom wouldn't want me sitting around moping the rest of my life. She'd want me to move on?"

"But with her?" Josie sputtered. "Her best friend? It's wrong!"

"Vi was my friend too. We always cared for one another, and now? We just took another step ... and like I said, it is absolutely none of your business."

Josie's lip started to tremble again. "She knew about Mom's affair too."

"I know she did."

"Why?"

I frowned. "Why, what?"

Silvery trails painted my daughter's cheeks as the first tears dripped free. When she spoke, I was somewhat shocked at her plaintive, childlike tone. "If you already knew then why did you forgive her and not me?"

I fixed my oldest with a stern glare and spoke very slowly. "It's very simple, Josie: she apologized for hurting me. You never did."

Tears pooled in Josie's eyes. She collapsed on the floor and sobbed.

Vi knelt by her, put her arm around Josie's shoulders, and whispered in her ear. She gave me a glance that I interpreted as I should let her handle it--to be the good cop to my bad cop--so I left the room.

#

I closed my eyes, savoring all the sensory impressions: the cool breeze on my face, the roar of the surf in my ears, and the tang of salt filling my nostrils. I waited a moment before gazing down at the ocean below and repeated my thoughts from a moment earlier: Not much point in wasting time.

I gauged the breeze, which was light and blowing from north to south, not directly inland ... which signaled to me that even fate agreed with my decision.

With a soft clink, I removed the lid of the metal urn. I only glanced at the gray powder inside before slowly upending the vessel. Dust swirled and flickered in the wind, spreading from my position across the outcropping and over the ocean. I watched the stream of ashes--the bit of Carolyn I had saved, merged with those of our songbook, which I had carefully burned and collected the week before--until the last speck of gray left my sight.

"Carolyn," I said, "I loved you with everything I had. In some ways, I always will. I don't know why I wasn't enough but that doesn't matter anymore. What does matter is this: I forgive you. Wherever you are, I hope you're at peace."

I replaced the lid and returned to the car. My thoughts drifted to the upcoming drive. It was about three hours from Heceta Head back to Portland, so there was enough time to get home and do a little more prep work before everyone arrived.

A brief smile crossed my lips. David and Clarissa would be home from school within a few hours, as would Vi's son Adam. She'd be picking him up at the airport for the holidays and had been beyond excited. Having our children together for Christmas was going to be another milestone in our relationship.

My smile wavered a little. Josie and Lucas would also be there with the kids. After several teary conversations with Vi, Josie had finally apologized to me and while I thought it was earnest, the wounds weren't going to close so easily, and we had tiptoed around each other since. Lucas had moved home and the two of them were in marital counseling, but the outcome was yet to be determined. While I hoped for the best for my daughter and that she was able to keep her family together, I also knew I had to let them sort it out themselves.

I hate that she's having such a hard time, but I can't chart her future for her. For better or worse, it's on Josie to fix this herself. We're all responsible for our own happy endings, aren't we? I shook my head and opened my car door.

My own happy ending watched from the passenger seat as I climbed inside. Vi didn't say anything until I had shut the door. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Any regrets?"

I had to smile at that. I rubbed my fingers, visualizing that I was rubbing away the last flakes of ash from my possession. I glanced at Vi, who only looked back with concern. I touched her hand and her fingers curled around mine. "No regrets."

Vi glanced through the window, toward the cliff. "Not even about the songbook?"

I shook my head. "That song is over. It's time for us to write our own."

She smiled, leaned across the console, and gave me a soft, loving kiss. Then I backed the car, spun the wheel, and returned to the highway.

END

The title is taken from a line in the old song (are early 80s old songs now?) "True" by Spandau Ballet.

Thanks for reading!