How I Met My Girlfriend

How I Met My Girlfriend

Written by Ash

College freshman Dave tries online dating and is surprised to get matched with Jane, a cute girl so like him in her interests that he almost can't believe it. He is even more surprised when he begins to hallucinate a bustier, sluttier version of Jane in his hornier moments.

What secret is Jane hiding? Who is this sultry alter-ego 'Jade' visiting Dave's waking wet-dreams?

---

I finally swallowed my pride and tried online dating.

Despite my bookish and introverted nature bearing no romantic fruit whatsoever, for years I stubbornly held out hope that one day I might meet my 'destined love' during my routine day-to-day through high-school and now my first year of college.

It happens in all the sitcoms, doesn't it? Man catches a woman's eye in the laundromat every week, one day he makes a witty comment and Bam! Suddenly they're exchanging numbers.

I suppose there isn't much chance of that if you only hang around other nerdy guys and spend most of your free time reading or gaming alone. The only 'real-life' girls I tended to see were fleeting glimpses around the pages of my book as they walked past me in class, or together in huddles that I could never imagine inveigling myself into. 'Hi, I'm Dave, do you mind if I join you girls?' Yeah, right.

So, frustrated, and tired of wasting my prime years sating my desires on unobtainable women through a bright laptop screen in a dark room, I resolved to at least *try* the digital match-making method. I skipped on Tinder, not wanting just a one-night stand, and instead tried to find a site less focused on hookups. Filling out my profile was I task I completed without much enthusiasm. While I enumerated my interests (video games, fantasy, board games), I took care to maintain a healthy degree of scepticism that there would be any woman using a site like this that might actually share them and match with me. My only hope was that, just like me, they were too busy hiding in their own bubble to actually look for anyone like-minded IRL.

I saved and logged off at once, burying myself in a new book to try and suppress the odd sense of shame that settled on me. Was this a capitulation, an admission of my own failings?

From the start I had told myself from the start that it wouldn't work, so after a few days of obsessively checking my email with no matches I resolved to simply forget about the whole affair. I almost did.

So when I checked my phone one day to a notification for a match with 'Jane', I was taken aback. We exchanged a few messages, and I began to suspect I was being pranked, or this was one of those scams where the girl (or more likely, a guy) strings you along in DMs until you agree to send them cash.

Jane was too good to be true. 22 years old, only a year older than me. A 2nd year biology student at a nearby college, keen fantasy-fiction reader, movie-goer, TV enthusiast, anime-lover, gamer, the lot. Her profile pic showed a cute, petite girl snuggled in a comfy looking arm-chair, lost in a book I recognised immediately as one of my own favourites. I spotted a chibi Chun-Li figurine on the bookshelf behind her.

Could such a woman really exist? After a few hours of DMs she suggested we meet up for coffee and I messaged back at once to say yes, yes, whenever suited her.

God, please don't let this be a fake.

---

I checked my watch again. People passed me by, bustling too and fro around me as I waited outside the agreed-upon coffee shop in my best checked shirt and smartest dark-blue jeans, my heart slowly sinking. Not wanting to be late for my first IRL meeting with Jane, I'd arrived a good ten minutes before our agreed upon time. But that had been half an hour ago, and there was still no sign her. We hadn't exchanged phone numbers, and my DMs on the dating site were left unread.

Ghosted, then? Maybe it was a scam after all, or just a cruel prank to make nerds like me feel bad. I sighed, chiding myself for getting my hopes up, and began to turn away and walk dejectedly back to my flat.

"Um, excuse me!" I looked up from the pavement to find a slightly dishevelled Jane standing before me, cardigan hanging loosely from her slight shoulders, her slightly-flushed cheeks suggesting she had recently been running. She caught her breath before continuing. "You're Dave?" I nodded, mute with surprise. "I'm so sorry! I was reading and I lost track of time and I-" she stammered to a halt.

"Oh, no... it's no problem." I tried to reassure her, groping unsuccessfully after the manners that I'd somehow forgotten. "Um, yeah, I'm Dave." I extended an arm hesitantly. Did you shake hands on a first date? "Nice to meet you..."

She took my hand in both of hers and shook it eagerly. I felt myself go red. The delicate warmth of her soft skin against my coarse hand was a wholly unfamiliar sensation to me. You can tell I don't have much experience with girls, yeah? After she released my hand, we stood looking at each other awkwardly. She really was quite pretty. Waves of silky brown hair, slightly tousled from her haste, fell around her dark-rimmed glasses, giving her a bit of a cute librarian look. Jane seemed to favour neutral colours, her blouse a soft cream covered by a plum cardigan. On her feet she wore light-brown boots, the kind with the rim of fur around the top. But those demure colours were belied by the bright emerald glint of her eyes, gazing intently into mine with interest.

I was gawking. Looking aside quickly, I tried to find something to fill the awkward silence. "Um. I was also reading earlier, and was late myself. What a coincidence, eh? Ha ha..." Great line, Dave. Just great. I willed the ground to tear asunder and the burning fires of hell to rise up to consume me where I stood. I glanced back. Jane just smiled, a little shyly. Her eyes met mine with no hint of judgement.

"Yeah! Um. It's amazing how time flies when you're in the zone, huh?" She nodded earnestly. "Um, shall we go in?

---

We chatted for what felt like hours. Other customers came and went around us while Jane and I sat ensconced in our corner of the bustling cafe, the coffees long since finished and forgotten. Neither of us had given any thought to ordering another.

Despite the initial anxiety that clammed my tongue, my confidence had grown the longer we talked. Almost immediately we had found common ground in a mutual favourite author, and now we were deep in discussion of their latest novel, debating the nuances of a decision the main character made early on and how its consequences cascaded throughout the story.

Was this really me talking? All the apprehension I'd carried for years whenever a member of the opposite sex deigned to speak to me had dropped away in the face of this girl, my muttered greetings and shy glances replaced by the confident discourse I could usually muster only with my closest friends.

Jane too had lost her um-ing and ah-ing, talking clearly and quickly. Just like me, once on a topic she was passionate about, she was an adept conversationalist, interjecting at just the right moments, often surprising me with her insights. Often her green eyes stared deeply into mine as I sat contemplating her theories. That intense gaze felt like it was filling my chest with a warmth that had me shifting excitedly in my seat. Her attention was flattering, and a little intoxicating.

We were both shocked when the barista came over to clear our table and informed us a little tartly that they were closing in five minutes. Maybe we should have ordered more than one drink each given how long we'd taken up a table at such a peak time. Time had truly flown for both of us! My stomach growled suddenly, taking advantage of the pause in our conversation to inform me that the tiny muffin I'd polished off hours ago had in no way sated its hunger. I wondered how Jane had lasted all afternoon without even a snack.

Once outside, we paused on the pavement, uncertain of our next move. "Dave, thanks. Um." Despite our confident chatter for the past few hours, Jane was abruptly shy once more. "Would... you like to meet up again soon? Only if you'd like..." she tailed off, hopefully.

"Of course!" I was taken aback, it seemed obvious to me now that we would meet up again. "I really enjoyed our chat! I'd love to do it again sometime."

"Great!" she seemed genuinely relieved. "How about later this week? Coffee again, or something else?"

We agreed a time for our next meeting, and exchanged phone numbers so we were no longer tied to the dating site. As we shook hands before parting, she fervently promised to be on time next time, and I assured her it was no problem at all, honestly.

I walked home feeling as though I was on top of the world. My skin tingled slightly where our hands had touched, while the warmth she stirred inside me was an almost physical buzzing in my chest.

---

By nightfall those feelings had faded, and my good mood with it. Had I been too eager to talk about my own interests, rather than hers? Heat rose in my cheeks as I recalled my awkwardness when we first met face to face. Surely Jane was just humouring me as I pontificated over-long about my favourite book. Did she really want to meet up again, or was she just being polite?

The familiar ghosts resurfaced as I struggled to suppress my self-doubts, that harsh lens that tinged all my recollections and frustrated my attempts to form meaningful relationships outside my close friend group.

I buried my self-loathing the way I always did: by loading up PornHub to satisfy the animal part of my brain with those impossibly busty women that my real life so sorely lacked. I winced as my pants shifted uncomfortably when I pulled them off. My dick was already rock hard! Perhaps I was pent-up from hours of 'close-ish' contact with a member of the opposite sex after years of masturbatory observation from afar. I grabbed my laptop and settled myself in the usual position on my bed.

Inevitably, I gravitated to one of my old faithfuls: Jewels Jade, a blonde sex-goddess with a bra-size that more than lived up to her name. My favourite flick in her extensive collection featured her massaging a lucky man's dick between her magnificent tits. I'm a breast man, no denying it. This masterpiece was an incredibly kinky blow-job/tit-job combo where the camera angle from the man's point-of-view made it easy to imagine oneself in his place, even for someone like me with no real-world experience.

Skipping to two minutes and forty-five seconds in, I lay back on the bed to enjoy the show. The video was almost to the best part and I began to slowly rub one off in anticipation. The busty vixen crawled seductively up the bed towards the camera, my eyes following Jewel's massive namesakes as they swayed too and fro. Leaning down to give the anonymous dick protruding from out of shot a sultry lick as she took it in her mouth, sucking softly on the head, eyes rolling upwards as they closed.

Jewel's let out a sensuous moan, as if the mere taste of a man's cock in her mouth was enough to make her cum. Utter fantasy, I knew, yet oh so hot. I increased my own pace, rubbing in time with the bobbing of her head, trying to believe that it wasn't just my hand I could feel on my dick. After a minute of Jewel's having her way, I could feel my orgasm building, expertly timed with the impending climax of the video.

But that was when things began to stray from my well-trodden memories. I paused my strokes, staring in consternation as the video glitched. Jewel's body jerked, her hips shaking intensely as though in the throes of some unscheduled climax. The porn-star's visage began to slowly morph, facial features blurring and distorted, shifting into someone else entirely.

Someone that looked uncannily like Jane. That is, if Jane was a busty, blonde-haired XXX porn-star with her mouth stuffed with a massive cock.

I blinked. 'Jane' was still there. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them, unable to believe what I was seeing. The girl's eyelids fluttered open. Jane's cute visage and emerald eyes gazing up at me through the camera were unmistakable, despite being framed by flowing blonde hair and perched atop the ridiculously curvaceous body of Jewel's Jade.

She let the rigid dick in her mouth drop away and looked directly at me through the screen, licking her lips seductively, evidently enjoying my wide-eyed surprise. "Hey Dave," It was unmistakably Jane's voice, albeit pitched low to a sultry breathy purr. "Wasn't I woman enough for you? Mhmhm. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you..." She gave a conspiratorial wink, as if we shared some naughty secret, before leaning back in to take up the cock she had usurped.

A flash of hot pleasure erupted without warning from my own crotch. "Ahh, ahh!" I could feel the soft brush of her lips over me as she enveloped the dick in the video. She sucked softly, her tongue twirling over the tingling tip while her slender hands began to massage my swollen shaft. "Oohh OHH—MMMHH!" I smothered my mouth with both hands to hold in my cries, lest my house-mate John hear my tortured gasps of pleasure.

Never before had I felt anything like this. The slippery warmth of her mouth surrounded my inexperienced cock, the competent caress of her silky hands on my shaft stimulated nerve-endings I never knew existed, all while the gentle sucking pressure of her mouth drew pleasure from the head that was beyond anything my own hands had ever accomplished.

I writhed on the bed, legs thrashing, all my self-control lost in this moment of inexplicable pleasure, unable to tear my gaze from the screen showing an impossibly sexy corruption of Jane sucking on my cock. My hips bucked as my semen exploded into her mouth, the involuntarily thrusts I couldn't hold back flinging my laptop to the floor.

I lay panting in the sticky aftermath of the most intense masturbation I had ever experienced, wondering what the hell had just happened.

---

My anxiety following our first meeting proved to be misplaced. Jane and I continued to meet up a couple of times a week, whenever we had time around our classes. More often that not we would just sit together over lunch in comfortable silence, both of us stuck in our own books or writing an essay for class. Recalling that Jane had listed Street Fighter as one of her favourite games, I duly challenged her at the arcade and was summarily defeated. She played a mean Chun-Li. My wounded ego smarted even as my admiration for her grew.

Naturally, after the bizarre masturbatory hallucination I experienced that night, I'd studied Jane surreptitiously when I thought she wasn't looking, comparing her figure to my mental image of 'Jade', the name I'd given the 'Porn-Star' version of Jane that had possessed Jewel's body. The real Jane was the very definition of petite. Almost fully flat in the chest, her legs were thin, her hips slender, almost as far as it was possible to get from the voluptuous and curvy woman that had invaded my late-night session.

When I went back to check the video to confirm what I had seen, it was just the same old Jewel's I'd rubbed one off to countless times. (It didn't hit as hard, now that I'd experienced the Jane-edition). I had to pass 'Jade' off as some bizarre imagining of my horny subconscious, and buried the shameful thoughts of disappointment I felt at that. Did I really wish that Jane was more like the buxom girls of my sexual fantasies? Twisted. Greedy, given I'd never even had a girlfriend before Jane.

In any case, why would a woman with a body like Jade want anything to do with me? She'd have the pick of any hot-blooded male in the human race, and I wouldn't even make it to the starting line.

No, I was more than happy with Jane as she is, and couldn't ask for more.

My phone buzzed on the table, breaking me from my reverie. My house-mate John, asking the group if we were on for our usual D&D session this week. I looked over at Jane. "Hey, are we still going to that film on Friday?"

"Eh..?" Jane looked up from her book, blinking drowsily at me through her thick-rimmed spectacles as she extricated herself from whatever world she was lost in. "Um, yeah. If you're still up for it."

"Yeah, for sure." I tapped out a message to let John know I wouldn't be able to make it, already hearing the bollocking I was going to get for deserting them in favour of an 'imaginary woman', as they called her. Well, that part was definitely my fault. I had yet to to introduce Jane to my friends. Their disbelief was palpable when I finally admitted to seeing her as an excuse for bailing on a meetup, and I felt strangely embarrassed at the thought of bringing those two parts of my life together. I resolved to have her destroy them at Street Fighter soon to prove them all wrong.

---

We left the cinema and headed out into the chilly autumn night. I walked awkwardly, trying to hide the raging boner straining against my pants.

The film had not been at all what I expected. Some rom-com I believed to be a light-hearted drama had instead been a semi-erotic love-triangle romance that was far more risqué than I had imagined! There had been more than a few teasing scenes between the female lead and her various love interests, never quite showing anything that would exceed its M rating, but it hadn't left all that much to the imagination.

My body's reaction had baffled me - sure it was hot, but was nothing compared to my usual fap material. I'd seen raunchier than this with nothing more than a slight stiffening down below. Yet, I'd been shifting uncomfortably in my chair like a pubescent teen since the first act, struggling to keep any evidence of my raging boner hidden from Jane beneath my coat.

Throughout the movie I had heard a number of quiet sighs from Jane beside me in the dark, sounds which seemed like disapproval. Finally, Jane stood awkwardly and muttered something about needing to go to the bathroom. I sunk into my seat, cursing myself for suggesting this film before looking up more details beforehand. I hoped I hadn't offended her.

But the worst was yet to come. While Jane was gone, Jade returned. My imagination's 'Porn-Star' alter-ego of Jane made a stunning come-back, this time on feature film.

The final act had just concluded and the winning suitor was about to be suitably rewarded. The hot (yet petite) lead actress stepped out from a steaming shower, dressed in only a bra and panties, when the changes began. I goggled at the screen as the slender woman's tits began to swell beneath her struggling lingerie. Larger and larger they grew, from tiny apples to massive melons that spilled around the sides of her bra, the straps pressing deep lines into her shoulders. Bounces turned into Bounces with her increasingly swaying stride, those slender hips widening into hourglass territory before my eyes. The over-tight straps stretched thinner, straining to contain the burgeoning boobage fighting to escape the tiny cups that were seemingly held in place only by her stiff nipples.

Her brunette hair lightened from the ends to become a dirty blonde, dark at the roots. In the blink of an eye the face of the actress was gone and I gaped in horny disbelief as Jade stalked towards the camera, staring directly at me with Jane's emerald eyes, mouth twisted in a sultry smirk. She shrugged out of the puny bra, and cupped one of her new melons with one hand. With the other she blew a hot kiss at me that sent heat rising in my cheeks, then spun away and swayed back to the lucky male that awaited her on the bed.

I watched her receding ass swing too and fro for a moment, then cast my gaze over the other occupants of the cinema. No one else seemed aware or perturbed by the sudden transformation of the lead actress into a sultry bimbo. Throaty moans drew my eyes back to the screen, where the pair were busy making out on the bed, earning the film an easy adult-only rating as the camera panned away and faded to black.