How I REALLY Met Your Mother Pt. 01

Part One: How I Enslaved Your Mother

Please sign to acknowledge identity as Anna Fairchild.

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Signature accepted. Opening document1.

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Hi Anna, it's your dad. You're probably wondering why I'm writing this and keeping it locked away in this box that only you can open. The reason why is simple. There's something I need to tell you, and I need to do this now while the memory is still fresh. I don't want to risk forgetting something important and leaving it out.

What I'm writing down now is the truth. By now you've probably heard the story about the first time I met your mother. How it was my first day working on the support staff for the League of Champions and the other guys thought it would be a good hazing to have me working on a phantom problem with the drive system of the Liberator all day only for the then Princess Nuetronia to be kidnapped by her own brother. In response her best friend Vectress immediately took the Liberator out to follow them, not realizing that I was on the ship at all until it was too late for me to get off.

Then of course there was the crazy adventure that ended in me and Nuetronia being forced into marriage, one that has surprisingly ended up being the perfect match for both of us.

You know all of this of course, but what you need to know is that this entire story is a big lie. The first part of the lie you have to understand is that I was working on the support staff. The truth was that when that crazy day began, I was unemployed.

The reason I was currently unemployed was nothing spectacular. I'd been working in a small computer repair shop and my boss, though a great guy and fun to be around, was sadly not as good with finances as he was good with computers. He'd been forced to close the place down and now all of us that worked for him were out of a job.

This was even worse for me. I know I may look pretty good now, but that's thanks to the tireless efforts of the Leagues numerous personal trainers and the best in super science. Back then I had none of that help. The result was that I had already developed what could charitably be called a dad bod. Not to mention my hair was already beginning to recede, meaning that despite being only 28, I already looked over 40. You may be wondering why this matters, well, in the computer business companies aren't really interested in older guys. No, they want young, hungry go-getters and I, despite what my drivers license would tell you, looked over the hill.

Still, this wasn't an excuse to not keep trying. So that morning I got up early, looked to see if any of my applications had gotten any interest (they hadn't), had what passed for breakfast and then headed for the door with the plan to see if maybe showing up in person might hopefully generate some interest in hiring me. This, of course, is where everything changed. You see the moment I opened the door I came face to face with Vectress.

Vectress was gorgeous. She still is of course, but you have to understand, these days I see her all the time and the sheer beauty of her tends to fade due to the familiarity of it. These days that 6'4" blonde bombshell with DD breasts that seem to defy all the laws of gravity somehow barely registers anymore unless she's trying to get my attention. But back then I had never met her outside of the occasional tv interview she had done. Not to mention the fact that me being 5'8" meant that my first time coming into close contact with her was me opening the door to the sight of her breasts right in my immediate eyeline.

Of course she was also wearing her classic outfit at the time. You know that red and gold one with that big gold V right between her breasts. That thing that you would have sworn was nothing more than body paint if it wasn't for the fact that it still somehow managed to cover her nipples and vagina (I've asked Nuetronia about exactly why superheroines wear these things and she says that when you have skin that Tank shells will literally bounce right off of, armor becomes somewhat meaningless compared to speed and flexibility. Personally I still think they do it because it's damn distracting).

Vectress for her part had her hand raised up to knock on the door and a surprised look on her face, or at least she did once I got over my shock and realized I should be looking up rather than straight at her tits. She recovered quickly, lowering her hand before crossing her arms across her chest as she stared at me appraisingly. Whatever it was she saw she apparently didn't think much of based on the quick look of annoyance I saw flash on her face before she shut it down for a look that was far more professional. "Peter Fairchild?" she asked in a clipped businesslike way.

"Um, yeah," I responded after a second, confused.

"I'm going to need you to come with me," she said after hearing my confirmation.

At this point I was figuring I was being pranked by someone. I mean really, why would Vectress, one of the most powerful superheroes on the planet, just show up right at my doorstep? Honestly it seemed far more likely that some TV show was doing one of those elaborate pranks and I had been selected as the idiot that everyone gets to laugh at. Under normal circumstances I might have played along. After all, it might have been fun and I would have gotten to brag about it to my friends later. Unfortunately right now I didn't have time. If I didn't want to get kicked out of my apartment at the end of the month I was going to need to get a job and fast.

"Listen, I don't know what game you're playing, but I don't have time to play along, so if you'll excuse me," I said as I pushed past her. I managed to get a few steps before I felt two hands at my armpits and then the ground fell away from me.

I looked to the side to see that Vectress had picked me up and was now flying away with me. "Convinced I'm the real thing now?" She asked somewhat smugly.

I would like to say I replied with some witty remark. Sadly, that would be a lie. Instead I just looked on in shock with my mouth gaping wide open. I think at one point a tiny squeak escaped my mouth. Vectress simply chuckled before readjusting to put me in a more secure grip (if you're curious, imagine any picture you've ever seen of a superhero flying around with some damsel in distress in his arms, only in this case, I'm the damsel) and flying off.

It wasn't long before we had arrived at the skyscraper headquarters for the League of Champions. The conversation before then had been limited due to the fact that, well, you try holding a conversation while being carried through the air at high speeds while terrified that at any moment you could get dropped and fall to your death. Vectress for her part seemed to be mostly uninterested in holding a conversation with me, so silence mostly reigned up until she flew into the top of the skylight that made for the hero's entrance. Rather than letting me go however, she simply held on and continued carrying me down the hallway. I could feel my face turn red with embarrassment at that and can only feel gratitude that there wasn't anyone there to see me (I would find out later that this had been intentional as they wanted as few people to know what was going on as possible).

Finally she came to a stop and put me down right next to a door that slid open in front of me. Rather than explain anything, Vectress simply gestured at me to walk inside. Seeing as she could literally tear my arms if she felt like it I decided it would be better to just go inside and see what this was all about.

Inside was your standard interrogation room. A square room with no adornments and in the center was a table. Seated on the opposite side from where I was was a woman dressed in a standard business suit. She was young and quite attractive, with blonde hair that matched Vectress' color, though unlike Vectress who wore her hair long, she had it cut quite short. When I came inside she was looking through some papers but put them down as soon as I walked in and looked at me with a bright smile.

I knew this was a ploy to make me more pliable to whatever it was that she wanted but damn if it didn't work regardless. I'd been getting steadily more and more freaked out about everything that had happened and Vectress' seeming complete disdain for me did nothing to make me feel any better. Honestly I was primed for anyone that would show even the slightest of hints that they were looking out for me. "Ahh, Peter. I'm glad you're here. The people here call me Delphi, but if you prefer you can call me by my real name, Helen Jones. Please take a seat," the lady said while gesturing towards the chair in front of me.

"Uhhh, I think you've made some sort of mistake," I said as I sat down.

Helen simply smiled again before responding. "You're Peter Fairchild, previously employed at Lloyd's Computer Repairs?"

"Uh, yes."

"Then we haven't made a mistake."

Apparently they knew who I was, but I still couldn't figure out exactly why they were bringing me in. I mean, last I checked, Lloyd wasn't some secret supervillain, though admittedly if he was I don't think he would have told me. Fortunately Helen seemed to understand my confusion and blissfully began to clarify things for me.

"Before we begin I want to assure you, you are in no trouble. We haven't grabbed you because your old boss was a secret supervillain. The actual reason you're here is because we need your help."

Now that threw me for a loop. "You need MY help?! Really? Why?" I asked, flabbergasted.

Helen sighed after that. "Unfortunately, in order to explain why we need you I'm going to have to reveal some very sensitive information. So before we go any farther, I'm going To need you to sign this NDA basically swearing that you won't leak what you are about to hear to anyone not already in this room."

With that she took the papers in front of her and handed them over to me. I looked at the papers and then back at Helen. She simply gave me a friendly smile while Vectress stood by the side looking intimidating. Somehow I got the feeling that if I didn't sign this, we'd all just sit here waiting until I did. With a sigh I grabbed a pen and signed the document in front of me. "Okay, can you please tell me what's going on now?" I asked.

Helen took the NDA from me and carefully placed it in a folder. Afterwards she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Looking back I think she was mentally preparing herself for everything that was going to come. Having finally psyched herself up, Helen began.

"First, I'm going to have to tell you about why I'm here."

"Helen," Vectress warned.

Helen turned and gave Vectress a stern look. "Vectress, he needs to know. It's the only way for him to understand why." Helen then turned back and continued.

"Peter, the first thing to understand is that I'm a precog."

"A what?" I asked, confused.

"A precog. To put it simply, I can see the future. It's why we always seem to arrive just in the nick of time, because I'm letting them know when and where they need to be."

Helen's face got very serious suddenly. "That's why I had to make you sign that NDA. If the various villains of the world knew that I existed, they'd stop at nothing to kill me."

I know what you're thinking right now. You're wondering who this Helen is and why you've never heard of her before. Well the simple truth is that about two years after this event, Helen disappeared. No one knows what happened to her, well, no one but me, Vectress and Nuetronia. I won't tell you where she went or why, mostly because if I did it would spoil the ending of this story I'm telling you. So relax, comfortable in the knowledge that you will eventually be told why she had to go away and when she's coming back. Anyway, back to the story I was telling.

Obviously being told this was somewhat worrying for me, however Helen interrupted me before I could even talk. "Don't worry," she said. "Like I said, I can see the future. I already know that you'll never tell anyone else about this conversation."

I don't know why, maybe it was just the implicit trust, or perhaps just the idea that the whole thing was already decided, but for some reason that made me feel better. Seeing that her statement had the intended effect, Helen resumed filling me in as to why I was here. "So tell me, what do you know about Princess Nuetronia?"

"Only the basics," I answered. "She's a princess of some space empire who crash landed on Earth and for some reason decided she wanted to stay."

"To be a little more accurate, she's the Crown Princess of the Larnian Empire and that is important for one reason. The Larnian emperor has recently died."

I didn't know how to react to this information. After all, I didn't know who this emperor was at all, so it really meant nothing to me. At the same time, he was obviously the father of Princess Nuetronia, one of the greatest heroes the world has ever known, so I thought I should feel bad, if only for her sake. "I'm sorry," I said, trying to show at least some sympathy.

"Don't be," Helen responded. "There's a reason Nuetronia decided she'd rather spend the rest of her life on what's, galactically speaking, a backwater, as opposed to spending even one more minute with her father."

Helen continued, "Anyway, with his death the title of Empress has passed down to his eldest child, Nuetronia. She of course wanted nothing to do with the throne, so she renounced her claim, causing it to pass on once again to the next oldest sibling, her brother, Zagron."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that Zagron wants to be emperor more than he's wanted anything ever and he can't conceive of the idea that someone else DOESN'T want the title. He's convinced that Nuetronia renouncing her claim is actually part of some scheme to eliminate all of her rivals before taking the throne. As a result he's decided to strike first."

"Strike?" I asked, looking around nervously as though I expected assassins to just leap out the shadows at any moment.

Helen looked at her watch. "In about 45 minutes, a Larnian battlecruiser is going to show up in Earth's orbit and demand we hand Princess Nuetronia over to them."

"And we're going to...?" I asked.

"We're going to hand her over of course."

Helen noticed the look of surprise on my face and elaborated. "You have to understand, if we don't Zagron is going to view that as an act of war. Frankly the world leaders have all agreed that it's just not worth the amount of death and destruction that's going to cause just to protect one person. And even if they did think it was worth it, Nuetronia doesn't. She's already told them she intends to surrender herself when the time comes."

I leaned back on the chair as the news of this hit me. We were about to lose Princess Nuetronia. In terms of raw power she was second only to Vectress herself, but more importantly, she was in many ways, the face of the League. She was the one doing charity events, interviews and generally making sure that everyone knew just how much good the League was doing. Plus, like just about every man on the planet, I had a huge crush on her. "What's going to happen to her?" I asked, worriedly.

"Well the good news is he's not going to kill her. Princess Nuetronia remains incredibly popular with the common folk of the empire, so he's worried that if he just executes her, she'll become a martyr to them and they'll riot. Since his regime is still too new to handle the consequences of that right now, he's decided not to risk it."

"So what is he going to do?"

"He's going to publicly sell her into slavery. You see, there's an ancient Larnian law that states that no slave may ever become emperor. So, if he sells her publicly, she'll be forever barred from taking the throne and he won't have to deal with the fallout of killing her."

"And that's where we come in," Vectress said.

I turned to look at Vectress. I have to be honest, she'd been so quiet since Helen had started talking that I'd kind of forgotten she was even there. That all changed the moment I looked at her. She seemed to be practically quivering with pent up rage, so much so that I found myself instinctively crouching down in my seat out of fear. "Uhh, so what exactly are we going to do?" I asked, timidly.

"We're going to rescue her of course,' was Vectress' response.

That statement put me into an immediate panic. In my head I could already see waves of alien soldiers just blasting me to bits with ray guns as I helplessly struggled against the inevitable. I think I was beginning to hyperventilate when Helen interrupted. "Calm down," she said. "We're not going to go rushing in guns blazing to the heart of the empire. Beyond the fact that that wouldn't work, it would undo the whole point of handing her over in the first place. Trust me, if any violence breaks out during this mission, then everything will have failed."

I turned back to look at Helen. I was still a little panicky after listening to Vectress, but I managed to keep my head enough to ask her, "So what are we going to do?"

"That's easy. He's selling her as a slave. So we're just going to buy her."

So that's how I found myself in the Liberator streaking through space on our way to the capital of the Larnian empire. At the moment I was sitting down in a lounge area having what would amount to 18th thoughts about whether or not it was feasible to tell them I'd changed my mind and could we turn around and go back now.

You're probably wondering why I even agreed to this in the first place. Well, there were two reasons. The first was the job offer. You see, in order to sell the story as to why I was with Vectress through all this was that I was a new employee doing some work on the Liberator at the time Vectress commandeered it and took off. Now that might not sound like much of an incentive, but that's because you've never been forced to consider the very real possibility of being evicted from your home by the end of the month. Add to that the insane amount of zeroes that was going to appear on my paycheck and you had a recipe for making just about anyone decided to do something incredibly stupid and dangerous.

The other reason was Vectress herself. She never said anything threatening of course, but the simple way she loomed over me as Helen explained the plan made it clear to me that agreeing to this insanity was probably less dangerous than whatever Vectress would do if I said no.

As if the very thought had summoned her, Vectress chose that moment to walk into the room and collapse into a chair next to mine. Now Vectress was quite intimidating even from a distance, so I don't have to tell you just how bad it was with her right next to me. I immediately looked away and tried to make myself disappear into the chair. Vectress must have noticed this because the next thing I knew she was standing in front of my chair. "Allright, stand up," she told me.

I'm ashamed to admit that I actually yelped as I jumped out of my chair. I stood there in front of her, scared of exactly what was going to happen next. To my utter shock, what she did was grab me and pull me directly into a hug.

Of course, the size difference between us meant that she had literally pulled me directly into her breasts. Realizing what that meant I started to try and push myself away, only for Vectress to gently grab the back of my head and hold it, keeping my head squished between her massive globes. For a few seconds my body went rigid. However, the tension released as I realized that Whatever else was going on, Vectress at least wasn't about to tear my head off.

Mind you all that tension came roaring right back when I realized that a certain part of me was in fact still quite rigid, and it was bumping right into Vectress' leg.

Vectress released her hold on my head allowing me to pull away. However she kept her hands on my shoulders as she leaned down to look me in the eyes. Instead of the look of rage I was expecting however, she was instead chuckling as she gave me probably the friendliest look I had ever gotten from her to this point. "You don't have to be so scared," she told me. "I'm used to people having that kind of reaction around me. Now just try to relax Master."