How NOT to Kiss

I'm pointing this little instruction manual at any people who might be taking notes from erotic films, actors in erotic films, or, more and more, ordinary romances, or any other show or situation in which people get into a lip lock. I do not claim to be the king of lip action. However, over a few generous decades I've come to appreciate a well-placed kiss, and abhor the strange lip-gobbling that masquerades as kissing these days. So, of course, you are free to take my suggestions with more than a grain of salt; especially if you are snogging your love on the dining table. But these notes are aimed at making the foreplay a temptation treat, and hopefully coaxing a few videographers to have their performers ditch the slobber-fest and show some real passion. So, to begin:

Do not ever, I mean never do the guppy kiss. This can best be described as two people facing each other and clearly becoming hot and bothered. Then one, maybe seeing a crumb or chocolate on the other's lips, darts in mouth open like a fish eager for bait, nose to nose, snatches a quick gulp of those lips and backs out again. This may be repeated ad nauseum indefinitely by either partner, sometimes snagging a bit of lip in the process.

The guppy gulp takes this a step further. Both parties hover closer and closer to each other, mouths agape; and then, just as their lips touch the mouths both snap shut and lips push forward in a fishy pout that should only be used on grandmothers and virgin sisters. Lips smack each other with an audible juicy pop and the process is repeated again and again.

Lip wars are battles to see who is the Alpha Kisser. More vicious than the guppy kiss, this entails both partners jockeying for judo lip holds to see which one can bite vulnerable mouth flesh in a way that is supposed to be sexy but is actually hostile.

Tongue fencing, that is facing your lover nose to nose with your mouths wide open, tongues slapping at each other; not a way to show your lover you are really into them. There is a good way to French kiss and this ain't it. Pas de tout.

Deep tonguing, or shoving your tongue as deeply as you can into your partner's mouth, is equally obnoxious. It doesn't say, "Oh lover, I just can't wait to shove it into you, or, coming from a lady, to have it shoved into me." You're just choking somebody and the Heimlich Maneuver has no place in good lovemaking.

Fast tongue fucking or jabbing your tongue in and out as fast as you can is obnoxious unless you are a lizard. Old hint, most lovers want you to do the old in-out as slow as you can, not like Flash on his way to the can.

Avoid the bing, bang, boom. This is the fake kiss where you are just too damn hot to get to other stuff father south, so you give a predatory smack or three on the lips, dive for the nips, and then start gulping whatever they've got behind the zipper. I know, sometimes the boom is what both of you want most. But don't insult the kiss by making it a potato chip. And that middle region deserves lots and lots of time, perhaps explored in a future post.

So that's basically how NOT to do it. Here are some pointers for launching your lover before you ever get to the nitty-gritty.

How to kiss

Make eye contact with your partner and hold it for a while as you do nothing.

2. Begin by kissing your partner somewhere else than on their lips. Foreheads are good. The back of the neck is very special. Ears. The temple in front of the ear. The chin. Even a shoulder is nice. And a kiss is not a nip, or a lick. It isn't a darting guppy smack. It's not a gross pushed out pout. Press your warm, closed lips against your lover's flesh. Make eye contact after you do it, and do it again.

3. Real kissing is something you do to show your partner you care for them. It doesn't have to be eternal love, but you want to show them that they are very special. Remember, the phrase is to give someone a kiss. You are not taking something away, or trying to show that you are the hottest lover from central casting, or the boss. This is about them not about you. If you don't respect them, don't kiss them.

Very Important: As your face approaches your lover's turn your damn head maybe thirty degrees so your noses don't bump.

Your mouth can be closed, or slightly open; you could match your partner, and keep it that way until your mouths meet. Press your lips together, lightly, or more firmly if the spirit rises, but wait a while on the tongue action, even if your mouths are open. Hold the kiss without doing much more than that. No smacking sounds.

4. French kissing starts best as a tease. Barely tickle your partner's tongue with the tip of yours; and take a while to go beyond that. Stop and make eye contact again. Kiss their face. Say something complimentary.

5. Breathing is important and necessary. Holding a long kiss is terrific but take note of whether you have cut off your lover's air supply.

6. Kissing during sex is wonderful, but not always possible, best perhaps when you are melted into a slow rhythm and your bodies match well. Some flexible partners can turn and kiss while being penetrated from behind. Kisses on the back and neck can be great at these times. Lucky the couple who can close in a kiss during climax. Probably nothing bonds you like this. And at those times nobody much is paying attention to kissing etiquette.

Still, remember that a kiss is a gift of communication and how you give that gift says worlds about how you feel about the person you are kissing, and whether it is likely to happen again.

For video pointers on good kissing scan some old movies like Gone With The Wind or From Here To Eternity. Take your time; sometimes the first act is the best act.