tagHumor & SatireHumper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 01

Humper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 01


I bought a new mattress today. Actually, it is our second new mattress in as many weeks. We returned the first mattress that supposedly retailed for $2,400 that we bargained down to $1,700. The mattress is nearly as firm as concrete. I liked it, my girlfriend, who has a bad back from horseback riding, didn’t. She said it was too soft.

“Okay? Whatever?”

We bought the mattress from Me Sleepy, a big mattress chain store that only sells mattresses or, as they are now referred to as, sleep systems. When did mattresses suddenly cost more than what cars used to cost? Oh, I see, when cars now cost what houses used to cost.

I figured, where better to buy a mattress than from one of Snow White’s dwarfs and not just any of the dwarfs, but from the one, aptly named, Sleepy. You’d have to be pretty dopey to buy a mattress from Dopey. Don’t you think? Although, Lazy, may have some good input on which mattress to buy, my money was with Sleepy or in this case, Me Sleepy. Anyway…

By the way, perhaps, I am politically incorrect and should refer to dwarfs as little people. To all you dwarfs, er little people out there, please accept my apology. I meant no insult. I think, though, that if I was a little person, I’d rather be referred to as a dwarf. Don’t you think? Dwarf gives me an accurate image of the person. Little people, on the other hand, sounds so insignificant, like the little woman or that little shit or that little slut, no slight intended. I’m just making an analogy.

Back to Me Sleepy’s, after already having bought and returned the first mattress, we walked in the store again. There are about 5 dozen mattresses by all the top manufacturers on display. My girlfriend immediately narrows our mattress selection by telling the salesman that, because of her bad back, she needs a very firm mattress. As matter of fact, the last mattress that she bought, before the one we just returned, was called, “The Brick”. When I heard my girlfriend say, “The Brick”, my blood ran cold and I felt bad for the salesman. I figured that she had unduly pressured him to suggest a mattress equally as hard as “The Brick”.

He wasn’t fazed or intimidated by the mere mention of “The Brick”. He suggested five of his firmest mattresses, all by five different manufacturers. After she tried each one, it was only then that he escorted her over to a sixth selection, but an expensive alternative, the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System.

“WTF? Did you hear that music? No? Never mind.”

“Now, if you really want a good mattress, one that has a 20 year warranty, and one that will give you a good night’s sleep, the Humper-Sex Sleep System is the one that I suggest,” he said.

“Did you hear that? Every time the phrase Humper-Sex Sleep System…there it is again…is mentioned or, in this instance, written, I hear a lullaby playing. Maybe it’s just in my mind. Okay, never mind.”

One by one, increasing gradually in price, the first price starting higher than the top of the line other mattress that we just returned, he had her try each one. I was nervous. My throat was dry fearing my bank account being drained to pay not for a trip to Clearwater Florida or the Florida Keyes, not even to Disney World Cruise or for fun in Mexico, but for a lousy mattress.

I intently watched her lying on each mattress as would Goldilocks try out the beds of the three bears. It was then when she was trying each mattress that I wished she had worn her short denim skirt, the one with the buttons down the front. Man, that would have been hot watching her flash her panties to the salesman and to the other customers who happened by her.

“This one is too soft. This one is too soft. This one is too soft.” I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look. “And this one feels just right.” My eyes popped open and I literally ran from the cheaper, hotel brand of mattress, that I was psychically directing her, to the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System section.

“There! Did you hear that? It was Brahms’ Lullaby. Every time I mention the phrase Humper-Sex Sleep System. See? Did you hear it again? Brahm’s Lullaby plays in the background. Okay, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it.”

She bypassed the Humper Sex-R, at $1,500 for a Queen set, didn’t even try the Humper Sex-S at $1,700 or the Humper Sex-T at $2,000. She tried the Humper Sex-U at $2,600 and didn’t like it and the Humper Sex-V at $2,900 and kind of liked that. It wasn’t until he showed her the pillow top Humper Sex-W at $3,500 that she found one that she really liked. Then, the evil salesman, who obviously works on commission and who has no regard for someone like me who would rather spend his money on fun and leisure in Las Vegas, than on rest and sleep at home, directed her to the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System at $4,500 and she loved it.

When he tried to take her over to the $6,200 Humper Sex-XXX, I pulled him aside and whispered in his ear that I would kill his dog if he suggested anymore mattresses. Apparently, I hit a chord because his love for his dog was greater than his need for more commission. I don’t know, maybe, because of my red face with the vein protruding from my forehead, my eyes bugging out of my head, and the drool hanging from my lip, he felt that I was serious and stopped suggesting anymore mattresses.

We bought the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System for $4,500, twice what my father paid for his 1965 Chevrolet Impala station wagon when he bought it new. I have to admit that it is the best mattress that I have ever had. Only, and they should post disclaimers on the mattress cover and warn people of this, but…

To be continued...

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