tagHumor & SatireHumper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 02

Humper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 02


She bypassed the Humper-Sex-R Sleep System Queen set, at $1,500, didn't even try the Humper-Sex-S Sleep System at $1,700 or the Humper-Sex-T Sleep System at $2,000. She tried the Humper-Sex-U Sleep System at $2,600 and didn't like it and the Humper-Sex-V Sleep System at $2,900 and kind of liked that. It wasn't until he showed her the pillow top Humper-Sex-W Sleep System at $3,500 that she found one that she really liked.

Then, the evil salesman, who obviously works on commission and who has no regard for someone like me, someone who would rather spend his money on fun and leisure in Las Vegas, than on rest and sleep at home, directed her to the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System at $4,500 and she loved it. Not to mention, after sales tax, delivery charge, mattress pad, pillows, and extra for splitting the box spring from one piece to two, the price was $5,200. Gulp, I need a drink.

When he tried to take her over to the $6,200 Humper-Sex-XXX Sleep System, that after tax, delivery, pillows and split box spring, would have cost around $7,500, I pulled him aside and whispered in his ear that I would kill his dog if he suggested anymore mattresses.

Apparently, I hit a sensitive chord because his love for his dog, a Golden Retriever, named Goldie, he later told me in a tear choked voice, was greater than his need for more commission. I don't know, maybe, because of my red face with the vein protruding from my forehead, my eyes bugging out of my head, and the drool hanging from my lip, he felt that I was serious and stopped suggesting anymore mattresses.

We bought the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System for $4,500, twice what my father paid for his 1965 Chevrolet Impala station wagon when he bought it new. He threw the pillows in for free when I growled at him. I have to admit that it is the best damn mattress that I have ever had.

WARNING: For those who thought this is a mattress story, please leave now. Yes, the first part was all about mattresses, but the rest of the story is X-rated and graphically explicit. Please leave now if you are under the age of 18-years-old, a Bible thumbing religious zealot or if you find sexual content and pornography offensive.

(For those women who are beautiful, available, horny, and hot and, who think that I am creative, funny, and zany...e-mail me.)

Especially since it is drawing near the holidays, I don't want to offend anyone. For the rest of you, get ready to get off, because what follows is unbelievable. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the story has been creatively enhanced to align itself with the X-rated stories expected on Literotica, the web site of free erotic stories.

AN ASIDE: Even though my name on Literotica is Bostonficitonwriter, all of my stories are true, of course. What follows is a true and detailed depiction of what happened once I brought home the $4,500 Humper-Sex-X Sleep System mattress.

"There it is again that music, Brahms' lullaby: Lullaby and good night, In the sky stars are bright, Around your head flowers gay, Set your slumbers till day. Lullaby and good night, In the sky stars are bright, Around your head flowers gay, Set your slumbers till day. Close your eyes, Now and rest, May these hours, Be blessed. Close your eyes, Now and rest, May these hours, Be blessed. Did you hear it?"

Well, I don't know about the lyrics. To me, the song sounds better when I just hum it. Anyway...

For those of you, who need it, get yourself a glass of wine or a mug of beer or your smokes. I'll wait before continuing. Sure, we still have time for you to get the hand cream, paper towels, and/or your favorite dildo. There's no rush, no pressure, it's just a story. Okay, you ready? You're not going to believe this, but it is all true, cross my heart and hope to die. I swear on my mother's grave, and I don't have my fingers crossed.

So, we had the mattress delivered the same day and I was really looking forward to, you know, breaking in the mattress, as I did with the other mattress that we returned. Only, as soon as my girlfriend put her head on the Humper-Sex-X Sleep System (there's that freaking music again, enough already with the sucky song) pillow (yeah we bought the you-know-who pillows, too at $200 each, which the salesman ended up giving us them for nothing when I growled at him) she fell fast asleep. Actually, the you-know-who pillows feel like sandbags, but once you get used to their firmness, they are quite comfortable.

"Honey? Honey? Are you sleeping?" I inadvertently put my glass of wine down on the mattress and stood on the bed jumping up and down trying to make sure that she was sleeping. "Sweetie? Hello? Are you sleeping?" Nothing. She was gone to the world and my wine didn't even spill a drop. Gees, that's amazing that I can actually not only walk on the mattress but also jump up and down on the bed without my glass of wine spilling and making a staining mess.

Hey, what the Hell, no harm done. I peeled back the blanket and lifted her nightgown, dabbed a little of that oozy jell that we keep on the nightstand for special occasions, such as this, and inserted myself. She'll never know. Besides, she prefers sex with me, this way, unconscious sex. Man, we, er I went to town having sex. I was really banging her until I exploded a load of cum in her pussy.

This was the best kind of sex that I have ever had with her, dead sex. Only, don't be mistaken and let it be known that I am not into necrophilia. Okay, there was that one time that I was alone with that naked girl at the morgue, but I was drunk and horny, and that was the only time and a very long time ago, and way before the sex registry. Anyway, sometimes having sex with my girlfriend, because of her yawning and snoring, and lack of participation without any dirty talking, screaming or humping, I could be accused of having sex with the dead.

Usually, the below scenario is what generally happens when we, er I have sex with my girlfriend.



"Oh, I was just checking. I thought you were dead for a minute there."

"No, unfortunately, I'm still alive." She looked at her watch. "Are you almost done with me? It's been nearly two minutes." She made a face, as if she just ate a sour pickle. "Are you trying to break your record or something?"

"Well, you know, Sweetie Pie, if you put that book down for a minute and allowed yourself to enjoy the moment, er, couple of minutes, uhm, never mind. I just came off."

"Good. Get off me please."

I rolled off her and she put the book down, turned off the light, and immediately fell asleep. The mattress, I won't mention the brand because I am sick of hearing the song, is unbelievable.

Only, I discovered something about the mattress, and they should post disclaimers on the mattress cover and warn people of this, but...

Are you home alone? Come here. Get closer to the screen because I want to keep this between you and me. Closer. C'mon, I took a shower today and used mouthwash and deodorant. Okay, you promise you won't tell anyone? C'mon, give me your word. I don't want everyone finding out about this, but...

To be continued...

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