tagHumor & SatireHumper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 03

Humper-Sex-X Sleep System Ch. 03


I rolled off her and she put the book down, turned off the light, and immediately fell asleep. The mattress, I won't mention the brand because I am sick of hearing the song, is unbelievable.

Only, I discovered something about the mattress, and they should post disclaimers on the mattress cover and warn people of this, but...

Are you home alone? Come here. Get closer to the screen because I want to keep this between you and me. Closer. C'mon, I took a shower today and used mouthwash and deodorant. Okay, you promise you won't tell anyone? C'mon, give me your word. I don't want everyone finding out about this, but...

A lot of people have heard about a Humper-Sex-X Sleep System, fuck, there's that God damn song, again, but have never tried it. Many are drawn to it like they are when in a new city and they want to visit a church, you know. As soon as I mentioned about the you-know-which-brand of mattress, I had people, women, since all my friends are women, who want to try it.

"Really? You bought a Humper-Sex-X Sleep System?"

I covered my ears as soon as she said the brand name, so that I wouldn't have to listen to that damn music again.

"Yeah, we bought the Sex-X Sleep System." Good, no music.

"What's it like? How does it feel?"

"Do you want to try it, Audrey?"

"Yeah, but let me go home and get my nightgown."

Nightgown? Is she serious? She is. She just left to get her nightgown. I don't believe this. Not five minutes later, Audrey returned carrying her nightgown in her hand.

"Come up to the master suite."

I followed behind her so that I could peek at her panties up her short dress that swayed with the movement of her round, firm ass, er, I mean so that I could catch her should she suddenly get dizzy and fall backwards, God forbid.

"Do you have a place where I can slip into my nightgown?"

"Uhm, no, the bathroom is out of order."

"All three of them?"

"Renovations. Sorry."

"But, you can change here and I'll cover my face with my hand and promise not to peek."

"Okay, but remember, you promised not to peek, Freddie."

"Yes, Audrey, don't worry, you are safe with me. Who am I if not a man of my word? Besides, I'm not much into sex, not at all, not really, kind of addicted to it."

I put my hand to my face, but in the Vulcan salute. You know the one they used on Star Trek with the fingers are splayed. Oh, my God, I could not believe it when Audrey pulled her top over her head and unzipped her skirt. There she stood before me in her bra and panties. I don't know about you, but seeing a woman in her bra and panties is so much more erotic than seeing a woman naked, that is, unless she is naked and in bed with me.

She reached around back and unhooked her bra. I watched her remove her bra, seeing it as if it was in slow motion. She had nice B cup tits with pink, puffy nipples. Then, she shimmied out of her panties showing me her landing strip of pubic hair and the side of her curvaceous ass before slipping her satin, form fitting, short and low cut nightgown over her head. Damn, she has a nice body.

"Okay, you can remove your hand from your face now, Freddie" she said as she sat on the bed, put her legs up, and laid her head on the pillow.

"So, what do you think, Audrey? Do you like it? Audrey? Hello? Audrey!"

In less than a minute she was sound asleep. Of course, I thought the worst. I figured she needed resuscitation. Never having taken a course in Red Cross first aid even when I was a Boy Scout, I improvised. I put my lips to her lips and stuck my tongue in her mouth figuring that this was the correct way to resuscitate a good looking woman who was in my bedroom and on my bed in her nightgown and not wearing panties. Even though she was sleeping, er, in need of resuscitation, she responded to my French kiss, er mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Next, I checked her for a pulse, checking both of her breasts and concentrating on her nipples, er, I mean feeling for a heart beat, and only stopping to finger her clit and finger fuck her hole, er, I mean, taking her temperature. Already, she was wet, a good sign that she was still alive and only sleeping. Thank God. I was so happy that she was not dead, although, it probably would not have made much of a difference. I mean, sex is sex, you know, and any port in a storm, and all of that. Nonetheless, being the gracious host that I am, I wanted to give her the same experience testing out the bed that I gave my girlfriend. Hey, it's only the polite thing to do. What are friends for, if we cannot take advantage of one another, er, I mean, show her the simple pleasure of a Humper-Sex-X Sleep System bed.

"God damn, I really hate that song, now."

I stripped myself naked, added a bit of that oozy gel to her pussy, and mounted her. Man, I was fucking her like she was the last woman on Earth. She was a good lay, too. Unlike my dead girlfriend, she started moving her hips. Whatever dream she was having must have been a good one because she was fucking me back in her sleep.

After a couple of minutes, when I was done with her, I woke her up by splashing cold water in her eyes.

"Oh, sorry, did I fall asleep? This is a great mattress, Freddie. Only, I had this weird dream that I was briefly being examined by my gynecologist. Weird, huh?"

"Yeah, weird. Well, thanks for coming by Audrey, I need you to leave now because I have Jenna coming at Noon. She made an appointment yesterday to try the mattress.

"Oh, okay, Freddie, well, thanks for everything."

"Wait, Audrey, you can't leave wearing your nightgown. My neighbors will talk."

"He's been so very happy," I suddenly imagined my neighbors gossiping, "since he bought that Humper-Sex-X Sleep System mattress. He never stops singing that Brahms lullaby. It's annoying after a while."

"You can change into your clothes and I'll cover my face, again with my hand." Again, I did the Vulcan salute splaying my fingers apart as I watched her get naked, as she removed her nightgown, slipped on her panties, put on her bra, wiggled into her skirt, and slipped her top over her head.

God, I love my Humper-Sex-X Sleep System. There's that music, again. Only, now, I even like that song.

The End

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