tagHumor & SatireI Had Cybersex With My Neighbor

I Had Cybersex With My Neighbor

byJack Lacey©

So there I am on Yahoo IM in the SF bay area room. I'm chatting with this woman and things turn ...friendly. I'm thinking hey this is cool, were around the same age, same city, possible hook up right? So we get into it and she's really enjoying herself, I can be very creative in that area, guy's imagery and patience are everything, just a little hint.

Anyway, so the ultimate goal of cyber is a phone call, right, or possibly meeting a freak, but no one can possibly expect that upon first contact. I mean chatting can only go so far, kind of like a precursor for the REAL action so to speak. That is if you can call phone sex real action, I guess that point is debatable, but that's what this perverted horny douche was hoping for. Ladies, that's what every perverted horny douche is hoping for...fyi....so if you're into it, why not give the guy a real thrill and let him call you or vice versa. Now I realize this can be difficult, with your husband, boyfriend, or baby in the carriage next to you, but really give it some thought, it would help guys like me out!

Anyway back to the story, so were chatting it up and she's got me nice and woody. So I say to her like I always do, "Listen you're local, why do I call you". She was like "gee I don't know, I don't usually do that when I first talk to someone." But like I said I'm good and persuasive as well. So after a bit I talk her into it. I tell her give me five minutes, as I need to get a drink or some bullshit. Really what I need to do is turn off the stereo, get some lotion and tissues and get into bed. Remember I told you she had me nice and woody so she was playing her part too and I thought to myself ooh this is going to be one good session. So after I make my "drink" I give her a call from my cell. The minute I call her I hear my neighbor's loud ass phone ring though my studio wall. Now I've heard this phone ring many times, as I said it is loud so I really didn't think anything of it. The following is our conversation to the best of my remembrance:

Me: Hi there.

Her: Hi.

Me: So you were really getting me going there in chat sweetheart.

Her: Thank you, I was enjoying myself as well.

Me: So do you want to continue, you told me you were in bed in your panties, is that really true?

Her: No, (laughing) but I could be.

Me: Well go ahead then.

Her: Ok hold on, K.

Me: Of course.

Now at this point I hear my neighbor walking around in her studio, the floors creak, and like I said I had turned off the stereo and everything was quite and dark...hey its fantasy right.

Her: K, I back. Sorry I was lying about being in bed.

Me: No problem, I actually told you a little lie too, my name is not J***, it's actually J****, sorry about that.

The reason for this confession on my part was purely selfish; I wanted to hear her saying my name when we were into it, told you I was a perverted horny douche.

Her: Really, J****.

Me: Yeah really, why

Her: Nothing.

Me: No really I'm telling you the truth, and your name is really C******, right?

At this point I thinking oh great I fucked up now she's going to get all weird over the name, fuck! And I was this close to banging this bitch, metaphorically of course.

Her: Yeah my name is really C******, and you said you live in *******.

Me: Yes, I do why?

Now I'm starting to fucking lose my woodiness, goddamnint I thought we were going to fuck, what's with the twenty questions.

Her: Oh its nothing I have a new neighbor named J****, he moved next store to me about three months ago.

Me: What?

Alarm bells, little ones anyway, my name is J**** and I am a new resident of this complex by three months, and I did meet my neighbor twice, once when I moved in and once when my cat went over onto her balcony, but for the life of me I cant remember her fucking name, hey I'm a stoner forgive me.

Her: Yeah my new neighbor is named J****, but it has to just be a coincidence.

At this point I'm not really sure it is, I mean I heard the phone, I heard her moving around.

Me: Yeah it must be.

Me: Hold on my friggin cat is chewing the laptop cord.

Not really but I want to hear her reaction.

Her: You have cats?

Plural, not "Oh you have a cat". Because yes I do have TWO cats, how would this woman know that?

Me: Yeah I do, I have a solid gray and a tuxedo.

Here's the kill if it is my neighbor, the gray one was at her house. Oh and for those interested....wood completely gone, shrunk up into a little snail with salt on it.

Her: What??

Me: I repeat my previous statement.

Her: Oh...........uh.......you know I don't think I'm really that into this now.

Me: Really, why not?

As if I didn't know, but perverted horny douches will always try and prolong the scenario, even if Jimmy went back into his little hole for a siesta.

Her: Well its just that its getting late and I have work tomorrow, and like I said I usually don't do this the first time I chat with someone.

Me: Ok.....I guess maybe another time then.

Her: Yeah ok another time.

Me: Ok bye.

Her: Bye.

So now I'm sitting in my studio thinking this can't be real, it's not her, no way, but I can't get the thought out of my head. So five minutes later after I cant stand it any longer. I switch phones to my house phone with a blocked ID and call her number out of my cell phone.



Moral, I don't think there is one. However, my neighbor is kind of cute. Slim, blond, kind of folkish, I saw a guitar at her place when I was getting my cat, and think I've seen her boyfriend or guy friend, Birkenstocks, naturalist look, looks like they might hang at coffee shops or bookstores.

So now I ask you good people, what's my next move, avoid eye contact in the laundry room, try to find her in chat again and make up a new name and get the phone sex I wanted in the first place, after all I DID get screwed out of an orgasm, pun intended! Or the direct approach, next time I see her, call her by her first name and tell her it was too bad she had to go the other night. Really shock the shit out of her. I mean hey, she can only deny it and think I'm a nut, but on the other hand....what if she cops to it? That could be real interesting, even if she does have a boyfriend, she can always ring me up when he's not there and she's feeling horny!

You know what; I'm going with door number three. You only live once right. Maybe, just maybe all my perverted horny douche bag fantasies will come true.


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byJack Lacey© 1 comments/ 18942 views/ 0 favorites

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