I Knew What I Wanted

This is a "Honey, we need to talk" story told from the wife's point of view.

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I laughed as a stared into my date's eyes and tilted my head slightly to the side in my most seductive manner. Men love that! What he said wasn't particularly funny, and he wasn't particularly bright, but he wanted to think he was, so I obliged.

For a moment I wondered, "How many times have I been to this Italian restaurant and how many men have brought me here as their date? I must know the menu front to back, but I can't let him know." I cast my eyes across the menu as I remembered who and when.

"Carbonara - that was Frank. He was the first.

"Veal piccata - that was James. I'd never had a man with such a perfectly large, gorgeous tool before. For a moment I unconsciously shiver just thinking about him. He was married with young kids and a model wife. Our affair didn't last past a few dates, and we never spent the night together, but the sex was divine.

"Osso buco - that was Robert. Such a rich and tender dish for a rich and tender man.

"Shrimp scampi - that was Peter. He was an avid fisherman and always recommended the seafood, but I admit it was good. The plate needed more shrimp, but Peter made up for it later. It turned out he had a taste for seafood! I couldn't help it and laughed quietly at my own joke.

"Fiorentina - that was David. Really it was just a common steak. The meal wasn't bad, but David was a disaster. I never had either of them again.

"Gnocchi - Harry made it sound like it was the food of the gods. It was okay, but a lot of starch. Harry provided the meat later and I wasn't disappointed. Harry was a three-course meal all his own.

"Ribollita - oh, that was Tony! Ribollita was his mother's favorite soup. His mother had good taste. I doubt that she would approve of me. The coglione acts like he's some kind of made man, but he cried when we did it. Tony's wife almost caught us and that scared him so much that he stopped seeing me.

"Minestrone - good, but not tonight.

"Pizza - I didn't get dressed to come out for something that I can have delivered.

"Sardines - pass!

"Tortellini - tempting."

I thought to myself, "I'll have the veal and think back to James while I keep my date-du-jour entertained. He'll think that I'm thinking about him and won't know the difference."

We were making small talk across the table and my date was entertaining enough. I'd met him at work when he came to the office representing another company. I suppose you might call him a glorified salesman. I don't handle purchases, but I'm the personal assistant to the man who does, so we had spent a good part of the day together when he asked me to have dinner with him. He's trim and a few inches taller than me, maybe five years younger than me as well and not bad looking, so there is potential here.

He is telling me about his condo in Chicago and I'm trying to appear interested when I glance across the room and for a moment my heart stops. It's HIM! Of all the times and all the places to run into him, he's here and he has his family with him. He's laughing at something she's said, and she raises her hand to her mouth that way some women do. She doesn't cover her mouth but just places her index finger against her upper lip as if a loosely curled fist will hide her laughter. Her shoulders are shaking and without seeing her face I know she is giving him that coy look that women give with her head slightly down and her eyes looking up at his. She's acting like she's shy, but she knows he is hers entirely and he hangs on her every word.

They have their daughter with them, and she shares in the fun. She tries to mimic her mother's actions, but the child in her wins out and she giggles with a big, toothy grin. She must be five now. There is no denying she is a lovely child. She should be my child, but she's not.

I watch him sign the check and leave a pile of bills for the tip. With a smile and a nod, they all stand and take a moment to push their chairs back under the table. He always was considerate that way.

As they come together, his wife takes their daughter's hand and slips her other hand into her husband's arm, and then smiling at each other they stroll across the dining room and out the door.

I took a deep breath for the first time since I saw him, and I felt the depression descend on me. I was such a fool. I had it all, but I wanted more.

I feel as though I'm drawn through space and time, and I can no longer hear my date speaking as I am once again sitting in that first apartment that we shared.

I'm trying to convince him. "You don't understand. It won't affect us in any way! It will just be occasionally, and I won't let it interfere with our lives together."

He was angry. "Have you lost your mind? Of course it will affect us. It will destroy us!"

"No, baby, it doesn't need to be that way. It will only be occasionally and mostly when you have other things to do." I was talking crap and I wouldn't even admit it to myself.

"I don't give a damn if I have other things to do. We took vows. They didn't include 'Unless one of us has something else to do.' Fidelity is the cornerstone of a marriage. Remember? We said, '...to love and to cherish... forsaking all others...' Didn't that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it meant something! I'm not going to fall in love with anyone. I just want to go out on dates again before we start our family."

"And have sex!"

"Well, yes, probably, but I only love you! It will only be sex."

"You have got to be out of your fucking mind! There is no way that I will agree to any of this!"

With that, he threw his glass across the room, and I watched it explode on the tile above the stove. I jumped in fear. I'd never seen him like this before. I turned back toward him just in time to see him walk out the front door. He didn't understand. It would just be sex. We both slept with other people in college before we met. This would just be a little excitement before I settled down to being the best mother and wife I could be.

After that, I apologized for bringing it up, but I thought he didn't notice that I never took back what I'd said. Like generations of cheaters before me, I decided that I'd told him what I intended to do, we'd had the discussion, and now I could pursue my little adventures, only now I would do it behind his back. I took advantage of his travel for work and a few other opportunities that presented themselves.

I was a fool, but he wasn't. He hadn't forgotten and my non-apology apology had not gone unnoticed. He caught me easily enough and not long after that we were divorced.

My life since then has been a lot like this menu - lots to choose from but no surprises, and nothing very special. I thought that sex with other men would be exciting, but now it's just a cure for the loneliness.

Returning to the here and now, I realized that the evening had lost its luster. Perhaps it never had much luster to begin with. Turning to my date, who seemed never to notice my distraction, I said, "Richard, I'm sorry. All of a sudden, I'm not feeling very well. Would you mind taking me home?"

Richard is a good man at heart, and he's not married, which I now see as a mark in his favor. I've involved myself with too many married men since I lost my marriage. "Of course. I'll just ask for the bill and then we can leave."

Yes, Richard is a good man. Perhaps, maybe someday I will try the whole marriage thing again. Perhaps, maybe this time I'll remember what I have and not throw it away for an illusion.

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So that's the story. No violence and no retribution, just loss and the sobering reality that sometimes the worst thing that can happen is to get what we want.