I Love You Just The Way You Are

"So has the rash gone away?"

"Last time I checked it wasn't completely gone. But it's much better. My doctor gave me this ointment. I think it has helped a lot."

"So you feel better?"

"About the rash? Yes. But I've been feeling giddy and restless all afternoon. I found it really difficult to concentrate at the uni."

"Do you feel like doing something tonight?"

"No. I think I'll just head home when I've finished my latte."

"Do you want me to come with you? We could pick up some pizzas, and..."

"I just want to be alone, Björn. I'm really not in the mood."

"Okay."

We finished our lattes in silence. Then we kissed briefly and I watched Astrid leave on her bike. Then I called Gökhan to explain the situation.

"That's textbook withdrawal symptoms," he explained with scientific authority.

"Withdrawal?"

"Yes. Nicotine withdrawal. For the last couple of weeks we have been supplying her with an increasing dosage of nicotine. And now she hasn't had any since she took off her panties at the doctor's this morning. So she gets a headache and becomes nervous and moody."

"And unreceptive to my romantic efforts."

"Exactly. What she needs now is a cigarette."

"I wish."

"Yeah. Maybe it'll be difficult to make a smooth transition to inhaling the nicotine from cigarettes right now. I think we should try the liquorice drops. I can get some tomorrow morning and prepare them at the lab. Then you can bring them to Astrid and have her start using them. And remove the rest of the nicotine panties before she can send them to a lab for analysis."

"What do I tell her about why I bring her liquorice?"

"I don't know... Tell her you bought them when you were in Sweden. If you meet her tomorrow afternoon, she will be pretty frustrated after more than 24 hours without the steady flow of nicotine she's used to now."

Thursday, September 12^th, 2019

"Yes!?" Astrid answered her phone impatiently when I finally reached her the next afternoon at half past four.

"Hi! It's me. Where are you?"

"At home." She sounded irritated.

"Can I come see you?"

"I'm not in the mood."

"What's wrong? Are you ill?"

"I don't know. I just can't get anything done. I'm not fun to be with. I stayed home all day. I can't concentrate on anything. I spend time pointlessly on Instagram and Facebook. I can't even watch a stupid Netflix series."

"How's your rash?"

"Almost gone. But I have a bad headache. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm all sweaty. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."

"I'll come over with a couple of pizzas."

"I'm not hungry."

"I'll be with you in half an hour."

"Björn, don't..."

"Love you," I said and hung up.

40 minutes later, I was at her door.

"I told you I'm not hungry," Astrid said, grabbing the pizza boxes and throwing them onto the kitchen table.

She was wearing the same short skirt as yesterday and a black T-shirt.

"I see you found some new panties," I said, pointing to a drying rack in the living room.

"Yeah. I hope I'm not allergic to those. I threw away 17 pairs of apparently fine panties earlier today. Then I bought and washed the new ones. But that's about all I've accomplished today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep starting things without finishing them."

Astrid pointed to the kitchen sink where the dishes were half done. I noticed her open books from uni on the table and the muted tv showing commercials in the living room. Her otherwise orderly apartment looked like a mess.

"I'm really not fun to be with today," she concluded before reluctantly sitting down at the table in front of her pizza.

"I also brought beer," I said and put down two flip-top bottles of Flensburger Pilsener next to the pizza boxes.

"I'm supposed to study. So beer is probably not a good idea," Astrid said.

Nevertheless, she opened her Flens and gulped down some beer from the bottle. Halfheartedly she opened her pizza box and took a bite.

Ten minutes later, we had both downed our beers. I ate my whole pizza, and Astrid managed less than a quarter of hers.

"Remember these?" I said and produced an opened bag of Turkish Pepper candy that I had picked up from Gökhan's lab earlier that afternoon.

"Oh yes," Astrid lit up in a smile. "Where did you get those?"

"They were in a pocket of my rucksack I forgot to unpack from our trip to Sweden. I remembered you liked them."

"Oh yeah. Give that to me."

Astrid grabbed the bag and immediately put one of the prepared drops into her mouth.

"You want one?"she asked, holding the bag in my direction.

"No thanks. They're a bit on the strong side, I think."

"Fine with me. The less you want, the more I get," she smiled enthusiastically.

"Remember you shouldn't chew them."

"Why not?" Astrid laughed and made a provocative crunchy sound by biting through the drop in her mouth.

"Well, firstly it's bad for your teeth."

Astrid grimaced at me.

"And secondly this is some strong shit. There is a lot of ammonium chloride in there and you don't want to swallow it all at once. Gökhan says..."

"Gökhan is always so smart," Astrid shrugged.

"Well... he's the pharmacologist. So I guess he knows what he's talking about."

I trusted completely in Gökhan who had given me very specific instructions about the prepared liquorice drops and the risk of overdosing.

Within half an hour Astrid consumed half the bag of liquorice drops and became remarkably less moody.

"I think I could become dependent on these,"she said and dug in for another drop.

"Maybe you should take a break. Gökhan says..."

"Yes, I know. Gökhan this and Gökhan that. Finally I'm in a good mood and my headache is gone. I guess this is exactly the medicine I need."

More than you know, baby!

"Yes. Maybe. But remember these were bought in Sweden. I don't know if we can find them here in Berlin."

"Then let's go back to Sweden and buy a lot of them."

"Oh yes. But this bag has to last until we can get to Sweden. So go easy on it."

"I will. You want to watch a movie?"

We cuddled up in her bed watching Netflix and Astrid was not at all unwelcoming when my hand went for an expedition up her inner thigh.

"So you're still not wearing panties," I concluded as my hand had gone all the way up to a wet place.

"You know about my allergy,"Astrid smiled.

"I think I'm also allergic to your wearing panties," I said and put my middle finger inside her.

We had wonderful sex during which I enjoyed the strong taste and smell from Astrid's mouth.

Friday, September 13^th, 2019

"You must get me another bag of these liquorice drops!" Astrid told me as she called me the following evening.

"You can't be that addicted to them already," I replied even though I knew better.

"But I am. They made me feel so great. And now by headache and restlessness is back. I won't get anything done until I get another bag of them. Can't we go to Sweden?"

"You mean... like now?"

"Yes. Now!"

"I don't think so. But maybe I can find another somewhere. I think I bought one more. You want me to come over, Astrid?"

"I don't think you want to come here unless you find a bag of that liquorice. I'm no fun to be with right now."

Saturday, September 14^th, 2019

"The withdrawal symptoms are quite strong now," Gökhan commented as I met him at the lab the following afternoon. He was concentrating on preparing another bag of liquorice drops with an increased dosage of nicotine.

"Soon we have to think about switching her to smoking cigarettes,"he continued.

"How?"

"Well... in a not too obvious way. It has to come from her. So we have to wait for the right opportunity."

Later I brought Astrid the liquorice:

"Look what I found!"

She received it with joy and gratefulness. We spent a wonderful evening together and had fantastic sex.

Sunday, September 15^th, 2019

Sunday evening Gökhan and I were at our usual table in front of the cafe at the Kastanienallee, drinking beer, waiting for Astrid. Gökhan was, as usual, rolling his own cigarettes at the table.

Astrid came on her bike, locked it onto a lamppost and greeted Gökhan with a hug and me with an appropriately wet kiss. Then she sat down on the third chair at our table and ordered a large beer.

Gökhan put a cigarette between his lips, asking:

"Should we switch chairs so you don't get my smoke into your face?"

"No," Astrid smiled. "I don't mind. Actually I like the smoke from these... what are they called?"

She picked up Gökhan's tobacco pouch and read from it:

"Javaanse Jongens... That must be 'Boys from Java' in Dutch."

She took the open pouch to her nose and smelled at it.

"Ah! That smells nice!" she commented.

Gökhan and I exchanged glances. I bit my tongue and concentrated on saying nothing.

"I didn't realize you liked the smell of tobacco," Gökhan said.

"But I do."

"You used to be so much anti-smoking."

"Who? Me? Really? I mean it's bad for your health and all. But it smells good."

"I agree," Gökhan said.

Astrid sniffed at the open pouch for an extended period of time.

"Actually," she then said, "I would like to try one. Will you roll one for me, Gökhan?"

"You want to smoke, Astrid?" I said, unable to hold back a reaction.

"Yes I do. I'd like to try one. I'm curious what it's like."

Gökhan had taken the pouch from Astrid and within a few seconds he rolled a perfect cigarette, which he handed her. She took it between her fingers and placed it in her mouth. Gökhan lit it for her and she filled her mouth with smoke, closing her eyes.

"What's it like?" Gökhan asked.

"Well... it's... not like the smell. It's different. But all right, I guess."

"Do you want me to teach you how to inhale?"

"Isn't that what I've just done?"

"No. By inhale I mean taking the smoke into your lungs. You just took it into your mouth and blew it out again."

"Oh! Yes. Please teach me," she said excitedly.

Gökhan told her to suck in smoke from the cigarette, close the mouth and breathe in air through the nose. Then she tried it out, successfully, and blew out a cloud of smoke with a triumphant grin.

"See! I'm a born smoker!"

The waiter brought Astrid's beer and she took a large gulp.

"Ah! They go well together, cigarettes and beer," she concluded.

"I agree," said Gökhan.

Astrid inhaled from her cigarette and held it in my direction:

"Wanna try, Björn?"

"No thanks," I said neutrally, trying to hide my excitement of seeing my girlfriend actually smoke.

"It's really nice," she insisted, exhaling smoke in my direction. "Oh, sorry!" she added, turning her head to blow the last part of her exhale away from me.

"That's okay. No problem," I smiled at her.

Astrid finished her cigarette and we ordered another round of Flens.

"So how do you feel, Astrid?"

"You mean from the cigarette? I feel fine. I think it was good. I didn't expect that, actually. I thought I would be dizzy or even get sick. If anything, it made me feel alert and upbeat. Can I try to roll one of those?"

"Be my guest," Gökhan said and pushed tobacco and paper across the table in Astrid's direction. She fumbled with it for a couple of minutes, and with a lot of help from Gökhan she managed to construct a smokable cigarette, which she lit with Gökhan's lighter.

"Ah!" she said, exhaling smoke.

I smiled at her, secretly enjoying the sight.

As we walked away from the cafe later that evening, hand in hand, I had to stop all the time to kiss Astrid and taste her cigarette breath.

Wednesday, September 18^th, 2019

Astrid wad busy cooking in her kitchen. A wave of excitement ran through my body as I detected an opened pack of Marlboro Golds and a lighter among the papers and books from uni on her table. My dick immediately reacted with a standing ovation.

Only eight cigarettes were left in the pack. A good sign. I decided to ignore it and we ate.

After dinner, Astrid suggested we go for a walk. I noticed with satisfaction that she pocketed her cigarettes and lighter.

"So where do you want to go?" I asked when we got in front of her house.

"Anywhere. You decide. I have to admit I wanted one of these. And I don't want to smoke in the apartment."

Astrid waved her cigarette pack.

"You smoke?" I said and faked a mild shock. My dick was stone hard in my pants.

"I just want one after dinner," she replied and picked a cigarette that she placed between her lips.

"I don't want you to get addicted," I lied.

Astrid lit her cigarette and blew out smoke.

"Don't worry. I can handle this. I can quit anytime I want. I just realized when I smoked with Gökhan the other day that I like smoking and that I'm really bad at rolling cigarettes. So I bought these on Monday."

"You did?"

I was so excited I couldn't say much.

"Yes. I figured I needed something to put in my mouth. And I'd run out of those nice liquorice drops you bought in Sweden. And somehow these are a fine substitute."

Astrid inhaled deeply. The smoke stayed inside her for a long time before she blew out a large cloud in the fading evening light. She smoked like a pro already.

"Do you still love me?" she asked.

"Of course I do!" I smiled and kissed her on the mouth, enjoying her smokey breath and the sensation of the cigarette between her fingers.

Sunday, December 15^th, 2019

Three months later Astrid received me at her door with a short, burning cigarette between her fingers.

"Hi!" she said in her raspy voice before kissing me on the mouth.

I entered her stuffy apartment and she walked ahead of me, opening a window and picking up a full ashtray from the table.

"Sorry, Björn! I lost track of time. I've just been reading and smoking in here all day. We need some fresh air in here."

"What do you want to do tonight, Astrid? Cinema?"

"You know me. Cinema is a waste of time and money with me. Halfway into the film I can't think of anything but my next cigarette. I'd rather wait and see the film some months later when we can watch it here where I can smoke."

I thought of the possible solutions to the problem like feeding her nicotine through panties or candy. But for obvious reasons I didn't verbalize these ideas.

"Why don't we get some take-out and watch Netflix then?" I suggested.

"I'd like that. I haven't eaten since breakfast," Astrid said, butting out her cigarette in the ashtray she just emptied. She picked up her pack of Marlboro Reds and lit another right away. "What do you want? Vietnamese? Indian? Pizza?"

Later, after curries, we watched Netflix. Mid-movie, Astrid started touching my dick through my jeans that soon got much too narrow for my fast growing hard-on. She took her cigarette between her lips, released my belt and pulled down my trousers to blow me.

I decided to pause the movie.

"I want you inside of me," Astrid said just as I was about to come. She got on top of me and during the ensuing wild ride, she dropped ash on my chest.

"Oh! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" she said and brushed it away with her hand. "Did you get burned?"

"No. I'm fine," I moaned. "Please don't stop now!"

She didn't.

"I'm sorry I ashed on you. I didn't mean to," she said as we lay next to each other a few minutes later and she was enjoying another Marlboro. "But you can't believe how good it feels to smoke while we fuck."

I like it too, I thought.

"It's okay," was all I said.

"Poor Björn! You're such a healthy non-smoker. And you used to have this clean, sporty girlfriend. And now she's turned into a smoker with an apartment with full ashtrays all over the place. Kissing me probably tastes like licking one of those ashtrays, doesn't it?"

She took another deep inhale and smiled at me, holding the smoke in her lungs for some time, while I sent a grateful thought to my helpful expert friend Gökhan.

"You know what, Astrid? I'm going to live with that. I love you just the way you are," I smiled while she was exhaling a large cloud of smoke. Then I quickly leant forward and managed to kiss her just in time to catch the last bit of her smokey exhale in my mouth.