I Need a New Plaything Ch. 03

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." -- Virginia Woolf

"That seems to me the great American danger we're all in, that we will bargain away the experience of being alive for the appearance of it." -- Mike Nichols, Director of The Graduate

"Don't knock rationalization; where would we be without it? I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex." -- Michael (Jeff Goldblum) from The Big Chill.

"No marriage is strong enough to survive a husband knowing his wife's innermost thoughts." -- KitDeLuca164

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Author's note. I originally posted this chapter in Erotic Couplings. However, I soon realized that it belonged back in Loving Wives with the first two chapters. Truth be told I found myself missing the thoughtful critique and comments from Iamweasel.🙂

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On the drive to work the next day, Todd was still thinking about the fight last night with Mel. His deep unease had passed, replaced with righteous indignation. As she had promised, Mel stayed in bed. She didn't even get up to eat. She was also still in bed when he left this morning.

"I am so sick of this shit," he muttered out loud to himself in the car. God it must be great to have every day to yourself without the demands of a job - to just sit around and think up spontaneous trips and shit. I work 12 goddamn hours a day for this family, he virtuously thought to himself. The opportunity to conflate his admitted job demands and Mel's anguish was missed, but the bitterness he felt towards her was not.

Todd didn't like to fight. He much preferred calm-Mel to mad-Mel. Life was easier when he and Mel were getting along. She, on the other hand, didn't seek out fights, but she also seemed to be the one that started the few the two of them had. Last night was the perfect example. From Todd's perspective, all he did was ask how she was doing, show some concern for Christ's sake, and then get hit with some ridiculous idea to leave on a trip. What the fuck was that all about anyway? he thought. Lonely? You got to be kidding me. I wish I was that lonely. Lunch with friends, yoga, volunteer work. How can she be lonely? he asked himself without a trace of irony as he pulled into the parking garage before 7:00 a.m.

By the time he made it to his desk, he had convinced himself that he was on the right side of whatever this argument was about. He mentally lined up his defenses for when he got home later. He hated getting the silent treatment, especially when it wasn't his fault, but if that is how she wanted to play it, so be it. I always let her win, he bitterly reminded himself. But not this time. He sure as hell wasn't going to give in and take an unplanned trip. She's had these moods before. She'll come around. She always does, he concluded before busying himself with the day's responsibilities.

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Mel heard his car pull up into the driveway later that same day on Friday afternoon. She sighed deeply and braced herself for what was to come. As much as she had been in bed, she was somehow still tired.

Todd walked in.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," Mel replied not looking up from her phone.

"You still mad?" he asked.

"Yes."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Sure Todd," she said sarcastically as she put her phone down on the kitchen table. "Let's talk about it. How about I plead with you again to go away together, just you and me. You think about it for a nanosecond before replying 'you can't.' I get mad. You get defensive. We both get pissed off again. How does that sound?" she asked.

"It sounds like you're being unreasonable."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No Mel, I'm not. You know I can't get away. Or if you don't know, you should. I put in for the time next month for our trip to San Diego with the kids. That's it. That's all the time I'm taking this summer."

Mel was silent.

Todd continued, "I said last night, and I know it pisses you off to talk about it, but you should get a job or at least something that occupies more of your time now that the kids are gone. You're no good when you're idle."

"Oh I see," Mel spat. "I need to get busy so I won't interfere with your busy life. Is that it? If I'm working I won't be a distraction or worse something that requires some of your precious time. Hey, you might be on to something," she continued sarcastically. "We can be like roommates. Say goodbye in the morning. Work all day. Both be exhausted each night. Connect when we can, but heaven forbid put any demands on each other. Kind of do our own thing. Do I have it right?" she asked.

Mel was pushing his buttons, and she knew it. She could tell that Todd was getting mad.

"Look Mel," an exasperated Todd said. "Get a job. Don't get a job. Start a hobby. Don't start a hobby. Sleep all day. Mope around. I don't care!" he said honestly and a little louder than he intended. "I'm not responsible for your happiness. You are. I can't be expected to work all day and then come home and entertain you. If staying home isn't providing you any fulfillment, then find something that does."

Or someone, Mel instantly and ashamedly thought.

She was more than a little shocked. Todd had unknowingly just given voice to the same rationalization she had used to fuck Juan. But rather than provide her with any justification it just made her sad and resigned.

She collected herself before responding. "You're right," she said calmly. "I'm sorry. I should not have asked you about a spur of the moment trip. I put you on the spot. You work hard, and although I do want to spend some alone time with you, it can wait. We can plan it for sometime in the future. Next month's trip to San Diego with the kids will be fun. Are you okay with leftovers for dinner?"

Whew, Todd thought. He knew she was still mad, but hey, if she wanted to pretend to drop it and move on it was fine with him. He got what he wanted. The argument gave him a chance to make some solid points and he was also able to put this idea of a trip to rest. I think I got through to her, he allowed as he reflected on the argument.

Todd had no idea how right he was. His last point about not being responsible for her happiness and the need for her to find fulfillment had hit the mark; unfortunately, as is often the case in marriages, not in the way he intended.

"Sure. Leftovers are fine," he replied glad to move onto safer subjects.

Over the next two weeks things returned somewhat to normal. Mel never mentioned the trip. Todd never brought up her getting a job. And Juan never called.

On the one hand Mel was relieved she had not heard from Juan. It saved her from having to confront what they had done and end things. However, on the other hand, it felt like a slight and generated some oddly placed self-doubt. Did I do something wrong? Was the sex bad? Did he not enjoy himself? Has he moved on to someone else? And worst of all, did he think I was too old and unattractive? As irrational and unhelpful as these thoughts were, she couldn't get them out of her mind.

She also couldn't get that morning with Juan out of her mind. For the past two weeks she had been bored and isolated, two things she intuitively knew were not good.

Had Mel been an addiction counselor, she would have known just how right she was. She was alone with her thoughts and those thoughts were not healthy. And like a drug addict rationalizing the next fix, the further removed she became from her infidelity without any adverse consequences, the easier it was to excuse. Immediately after the affair she had been subsumed with grief and regret to the point she could barely function. Two weeks later, however, things were different. For one thing, she was still mad at Todd. His refusal to even consider sacrificing some work time for her still stung. And although deep down she knew his refusal to make her a priority was not an excuse to cheat, it certainly provided her with a powerful justification for her actions, even if it was misguided.

The other thing that had died down over the last two weeks was the constant worrying of being caught. Todd didn't appear to suspect anything. Neighbors didn't mention anything. She seemed to be free and clear. Twice now in her 26 years of marriage she had strayed, and twice she had apparently gotten away with it. This thought brought her no joy, but it did bring some badly needed peace of mind.

Mel was also relieved that Todd had not been interested in sex. They hadn't done anything intimate since she had given Todd a handjob the night before her affair with Juan. After 26 years of marriage it was certainly not uncommon to go two weeks without sex and Mel wasn't about to initiate it. However, she did spend some time thinking about the inevitable eventuality of it. It was during these moments that the pain of betrayal was sharpest. When they did get back together, Todd would have no idea that he was not the last man to kiss her deeply, fondle her breasts, stimulate her with his hands and mouth, and penetrate, and cum inside her. He would be oblivious to this knowledge, but she wouldn't. How she would handle her nerves, the shame, the guilt, and ultimately the comparisons, was something she knew she would have to face, but for now she was more than content to delay that moment a little longer.

What she also knew was that what she had done was unforgivable. Todd would be gone the moment he found out. But still despite her guilt and regret, she was able to compartmentalize. Yes the risk was great, but so was the thrill. The vividness of the sex with Juan was still fresh. As the days passed she continued to relive the morning with Juan. Her initial turmoil with her actions was slowly giving way to tantalizing and seductive memories of her actions.

She thought about his confidence, the intensity of his stare, the color of his eyes, his voice, his hands, his lips, how intoxicating he smelled. She thought about the stubble on his face and the sensations it brought her. She lost herself in thought about their kisses and how exquisite it felt to kiss a new man for the first time. She thought about his sheer size and how small and feminine he made her feel. She thought about his touch and all the places she freely allowed his hands to explore. And most troubling, and yet most erotic, she thought about the sex - how he commanded her, spanked her, tasted her, how his penis felt in her hands, how he pulsed and tasted while filling her willing mouth, and ultimately how he climbed between her opened legs, lost in his lust, and fucked her senseless in the selfish pursuit of his own pleasure.

Mel knew that she was not an equal partner in the sex that morning. She was his plaything and had been along for the ride. The fact that she had a sexual experience of a lifetime and had been taken to new, unheard of sexual heights was at best a minor afterthought for Juan.

This train of thought reminded Mel of the crude expression "I need to get my rocks off" that boys used to say in high school. She always hated it as it so cheapened intimacy, but the truth was boys do seem to need to get their rocks off. And if she was being honest, that's what Juan did. He came into my house and fucked me in my living room for the sole purpose of his gratification, not mine, she admitted.

Unfortunately for her marriage, this conclusion didn't disgust her, it just made her wet thinking about it.

Despite the reactions of her body as she reminisced, she knew these feelings were wrong. She also knew what she should be feeling and doing. She should be ashamed, contrite, and despondent. She should be recommitting to Todd and her marriage. She should be opening up the lines of communication with Todd and talking about ways to spice up the bedroom and not be fantasizing about the appearance, kisses, caresses, smell, sensations, lewd acts, and sexual ecstasies provided by another man.

So, why wasn't she? Why wasn't she feeling the feelings that society demanded she feel? Was she a terrible person? Was she an irredeemable slut? Damaged goods? Did crossing the line between harmless fantasy and acting out a real life affair change who she was, or did it just reveal who she had been all along?

The answers to these questions were complex. She loved Todd. She loved her kids and what they had all built together. And in her defense she had tried unsuccessfully to coax Todd away to reconnect as husband and wife. And yet...the time with Juan had opened a door, albeit to a very dangerous passageway, but boy was it seductive, she thought.

Juan's initial attention at the party had been intoxicating. His invitation, although tasteless, had been somehow flattering. The anticipation had been nerve-wracking, all-consuming but oh so exciting. The dominance had been demeaning but unquestionably arousing. And the sex, oh the sex, had been breathtaking. What she had experienced was so far afield of her normal sex life, she dreamily recalled.

Funny, she thought. The morning after her affair she had been a nervous wreak. She was afraid Todd would find out. She was ashamed at what she had done. But, now that Todd was none the wiser, her actions didn't seem so appalling In fact, her actions were almost inevitable and justifiable, she permitted. Her thoughts drifted back to all her rationalizations. The affair had been so easy, she reflected. It dropped right in my lap and was ready-made. From the moment Juan whispered in my ear it was all about sex. Juan didn't want to date me. He didn't want to break up my marriage and be responsible for me. He just wanted to fuck me. He wanted to discretely enjoy me - to use me. He knows I'm happily married. He knows I will be discrete for my own self-preservation. He knows there won't be any strings attached. He also knows now how much I enjoyed it.

So why hasn't he called? she abruptly thought. He is probably smugly thinking that he can have me anytime he wants - that I am now his to freely use and enjoy. Bastard, she thought. This needs to stop, she decided for the umpteenth time. But no sooner had she firmly planted the thought in her mind, then doubt crept in. Would she just drop it if he called back? Of course. What choice do I have? she thought. The affair was brief and intense, but "cannot continue," she bravely asserted out loud in an attempt to convince herself.

Just then her phone buzzed. It was a call from Ann, Todd's executive assistant.

"Hi Ann," Mel answered. "What's up?"

"Oh hi Mel. I'm glad I caught you. Did Todd mention dinner after the board retreat? I need to get a final headcount. It's this coming Saturday, before you all go on vacation Monday, which by the way I'm jealous. San Diego sounds wonderful."

Ugh, Mel thought. With all the stress in the house with Todd, she had completely forgotten about the retreat. However, her supportive, always at the ready, career-wife self kicked in. "Oh my God, I'm so glad you called. Yes. He did mention it, but I completely forgot until just now. Can you give me the details?"

"Sure. After the retreat, spouses and significant others are invited to dinner at 6:30. The retreat is back at Stroh's where the fund raising event was a few weeks back. They've reserved one of those stuffy, dark, white table cloth, wood paneled, private dinning rooms in the back for the dinner. The Board Chairman wants to mix up the seating. I've got you next to Charlie Holder's wife Rose and the new board director Juan Garza. Todd suggested Mr. Garza. He said you met him at the fund raiser and seemed to get along. I don't know if he can carry on a conversation, but he's definitely easy on the eyes," Ann added conspiratorially. "Does that sound okay?"

No it didn't sound okay at all, thought Mel. She struggled with how to get out of it without it being awkward.

"Mel you there?" Ann asked.

"Yeah I'm here," she answered. "I guess that will be okay," she said, being unable to quickly come up with a reasonable excuse.

"Great. Dress is pretty casual. The board members and execs will just be finishing their meeting and they will be in business casual. So wear whatever. You always look great anyways."

"Ann you're so sweet. Thanks for calling and reminding me."

Oh shit, Mel thought after she hung up. What the fuck am I going to do? was Mel's first involuntary question. It was quickly followed by, what am I going to wear? as she started to get flushed at the thought of encountering Juan again.

Mel was an emotional wreck throughout the week. She had knots in her stomach as she anticipated the awkwardness the evening would bring. Yet she also had moments where the knots were replaced by butterflies as she thought about seeing Juan again. At those times it felt like a high school crush. It was a silly emotion she admitted, but it was also real. Like before her first time with Juan, her moods careened between hardened resolve to end things and silly, school girl excitement to see him again.

Why am I so nervous? It's not like he is going to embarrass me or try something. It will be a big group. Nothing will happen. Right? she asked herself multiple times.

Through all her ups and downs she continued to obsess about what to wear. She always wanted to look good but this was somehow different. She was still a little perturbed that he had not called. Her subconscious reaction to her annoyance was not relief but rather insecurity and a desire to show Juan what he was missing. Fuck him if he thinks I'm too old, she thought as she rifled through her options in her closet with no luck. Nothing seemed right. She concluded that she had to buy something new. She made plans to go to the mall.

At Nordstrom's she found a royal blue, very cute a-line dress with cap sleeves that fit her perfectly. She loved the flare and although it was an inch too short for the modest-Mel voice in her head, and a little over-dressed for the event, it was very flirty and looked great on her. She decided to get it. At Macy's she found the perfect pair of matching heels.

As she was leaving she walked by Victoria Secrets and immediately ducked in. Mel loved lingerie. Since she was a teenager she loved wearing lacy underwear. It made her feel feminine and confident. Todd had once asked her when had she started wearing sexy panties and bras? She had coyly replied "about the time I knew boys might see them."

It wasn't until she was in the checkout line that she even asked herself what she was doing. Why the fuck am I buying new underwear to attend a Board retreat dinner? she thought. Oddly she didn't have a good answer. She had perfectly good underwear and bras at home so there was no reason to buy a new set just because she was buying a new dress. She was also not going on a date and didn't need new underwear to tell Juan to go to hell and that this fling is over and never to be repeated or discussed.

If she was being honest with herself she would have dug deeper into her actions rather than just blow off the purchase as normal and no big deal; or try to rationalize the purchase as something Todd will appreciate.

However, she wasn't being honest with herself. At no point in her musings did she allow herself the possibility that the sole reason she was in the checkout line at Victoria Secret's with an expensive and very revealing matching bralette and panty set was indeed because "a boy might see them."

Saturday morning Todd was up and out of the house early for the retreat. They made plans for her to Uber to Strohs later so they could ride home together. Mel had no plans other than to get her nails done. Once she was back she drifted aimlessly around the house and spent most of her time thinking about Juan and the confrontation to come.