I Only Wanted You

We were silent while I drove us out of the parking lot and onto the streets. The area around the riverwalk was lively, but within a couple blocks, traffic thinned out until there were only a couple other cars near us. The radio wasn't on, so it was quiet.

"Rob?" Natalie asked.

"Hm?"

"What do you think about sex?"

Well that came outta nowhere, I thought. "Uh..." I said intelligently.

She giggled. "Caught you off-guard, huh?"

"No, beautiful women constantly ask me about sex. It's tiring, to be honest. Why can't they ask me about sports or computers or something?"

She poked my shoulder. "Dork."

I stuck my tongue out at her. "So rude."

"Well, if it's any consolation, I've been working up the bravery to ask that question for, like, half the night."

"Okay," I said. "What do I think about sex? In what context?"

"When should a couple start having it?"

"In the car on the way home after dinner."

She laughed out loud. "Oh my god, I can't believe you said that."

"Yeah, it's gonna be tough to pull off. Modern cars don't have bench seats, and this steering wheel only tilts up so far. But you're petite, so I think if you just squeeze in here real tight--"

She punched me in the arm, laughing even harder. "Stop. Talking. You. Dork!"

"Ohhh," I said as if I'd suddenly had an epiphany. "You want me to be serious!"

"If you think you're capable, funny guy."

"Well, I think a couple should start having sex whenever they want to. But it has to be both people wanting it, not just one. Can't be forcing someone into something they don't want to do, or aren't comfortable with."

"What if one of the people has serious hang-ups about sex?"

"Dump her. Immediately. If she doesn't put out by the third da--"

"Rob!"

I glanced at her. It was dark, but there were enough lights outside the car for me to see I'd gone too far. "Sorry, Nat. I'll stop."

"I don't want you to stop, I want you to be serious. What if one of the people has serious hang-ups about sex?"

I thought for a moment before speaking. "Then the couple needs to work on their communication skills so that they can handle talking about it. And, say, if one of the people in this twosome has been a bit of an ass over the last few minutes, he apologizes and promises to take this seriously from now on."

"Thank you." She took a deep breath. "Even talking about it is gonna be hard. I can tell based on how I'm feeling just thinking about talking about it."

We were stopped at a red light, so I was able to turn to her. I found her hand and clasped it. "I'm impressed you brought this up. I mean, this is only our second date. What's on your mind, Nat?"

It was too dark to tell if she blushed, but she turned away, breaking eye contact. "It's just that I know I have these things inside my head and I know it's going to take time to work through them. I have a definite fear of intimacy. I had to convince myself that holding your hand and kissing you was okay, and even now there's a battle in my mind between it being okay and me being a slut for doing it. Also, the light's been green for a while."

"Whoops," I said, returning my attention to driving. "Good thing no one's behind us. Anyway, kissing and holding hands does not make you a slut."

"Intellectually, I agree. It's all this other crap buried deep... that's the problem. I'm half freaked out over just kissing and holding hands. I mean, can you get more mild than that? The other, bigger stuff... I can barely even make my mind go there."

I thought about what she said, trying to figure out how to help. "Have you ever seen porn?" As soon as I said it I regretted it, but she didn't even pause before answering.

"Yeah, once. One of the girls at school had some on her phone. Everyone was crowding close to look."

"What was it?"

"A man and a woman having sex."

"Right. I guess I should have been more specific. And?"

"I only watched for a few seconds. It made my physically ill. I took that as confirmation that my parents and religious leaders were right. Sex is dirty and a sin."

"It sounds like there's a 'but' coming up."

She nodded. "But... eventually I started questioning that. I know now that my reaction was totally over the top. Shows you how effective that indoctrination is, huh? Anyway, one of the other girls asked a question in class, once, that really stuck in my mind."

"What'd she ask?"

"This was in a biology class, in an all-girl religious school, so you can imagine how the teacher tiptoed around the very edges of human sexuality. This girl raised her hand and asked why God would make it a sin to have sex, when sex was the only natural way to have children."

"That's a very sensible question. So I assume she got in trouble for it."

Natalie gave a sad laugh. "Yeah. The teacher didn't even bother trying to answer it. Just straight to the principal's office. We didn't see her for a week."

"But it stuck in your mind, you said?"

"I thought about it a lot. When she came back, I talked to her. She was a lot like me. We ended up becoming friends. My only friend there. She's who I stayed with after I moved out."

"The one who shipped your stuff?"

"Yeah. She and I talked about it. Privately, of course. It just made so much sense. What kind of God would say, "Here's how you have children. I command you to do so. Also, it's a sin. Even in marriage, it's still dirty." She made a frustrated sound. "I mean, it's just illogical."

"I'm gonna go ahead and guess that this started you down a road that led you away from your religion."

"Remember those secret under-the-bleachers hangout sessions? This is the kind of stuff we talked about. Turned out there were a bunch of girls there who weren't so enamored with the teachings. It's a hard sell in the twenty-first century to tell a bunch of teenage girls their purpose in life is to be subservient to their man."

"I'll bet. I'm lucky that my parents were always lackadaisical about their religion." I stopped myself, then tried again. "Wait, that makes them sound bad. What I mean is, they were never strong believers. They took me to church when I was little, but I think it was mostly because that's what my grandparents wanted. By the time I was, I dunno, nine or ten, they had stopped completely and we never really talked much about it until I was old enough to just straight up ask them."

She let out a long, slow sigh. "How would that be," she said softly.

I pulled in to her apartment building and brought the car to a halt in her parking space. "We're here," I said unnecessarily.

"Thanks for getting serious," she said. "I appreciated our talk. Let's continue this conversation next time."

"On our next date?"

"Of course," she replied immediately. "When?"

"Well..." I wasn't sure how to bring this up, considering what it entailed, but now seemed as good a time as any. "Something's come up at work."

"Okay. What?"

"I was chosen to be on the team that will prep all our sites for a new system we're rolling out."

"Well, that sounds good. What will you be doing?"

"My team will go to our other sites in some other states and set up the new systems. Three separate trips. We'll also be training their people to use it at the same time. It's a new position for me."

"New position? A raise?"

"Yep."

"Wow!" she gushed. "That's fantastic! I'm so happy for you!"

"Yeah, it kinda came out of nowhere. I'm excited about it. I applied on the advice of my manager, but I didn't think I'd actually get it. More money is always nice, and it means the higher ups at least know my name and that I'm good at this stuff. But..."

"But what?"

"Well, I'm going to be gone all week in Seattle. Monday morning to Friday sometime. I don't remember exactly when we fly back."

"Damn," she said, an exaggerated disappointment in her tone. "That's cool though. Exciting for you, boring for me. A whole week?"

"I'm sure it'll be fine," I said, trying to soothe her. "We can talk on the phone, or we can text or whatever--"

"No, no, silly," she laughed. "I'm just messing with you. I'll be fine. I need to hang out with the girls anyway. They'll be dying to grill me about you."

I had things to do to get ready for the trip, so we didn't get together on Saturday or Sunday, but we did talk on the phone. Sunday night, she wished me luck and went over her schedule for the week so I would know when I could call her. The next morning, I drove to the airport, met up with my co-workers, and off we went.

Chapter 4: Gently Moving Away From Naivety

The week was long and there was too much work for us to do. I felt like we needed at least a couple more people to get it all done, which meant we were staying late every night. I called Natalie from my hotel room and we talked. She was understanding about the hours, fortunately, and talking to her definitely helped get me through the days, but I found myself missing her presence. We had just started dating, so I really wanted to be around her, physically. I even admitted it on Thursday when we talked.

"Me too," she said after a pause. "I was just going to tough it out, but hearing you say it... I miss you, too. Can we get together tomorrow after you fly back?"

"I don't know... I should be back around one, but then I need to go in to the office. I don't know how long that will take."

"It can't take all night, right?"

I wanted to see her, that was for sure. "I hope not. I'll call you when I'm done, okay?"

The next day, the flight was delayed, so after flying back and going to the office and dealing with all the stuff that was left over, we finally finished around six. I called Natalie as I was getting in my car in the parking lot.

"You're back?" she asked quickly. "Have you eaten?"

"Yeah, I'm back, and no, I haven't had dinner."

"Can you stop by the food court and pick me up? I'll get us dinner. And then... then we can go eat it at your place? And after, we can just hang out? I... I really want to see you."

"You'd be okay with that?" I asked, meaning being at my place, just the two of us. She knew what I meant.

"Y...yeah," she said. The pause was noticeable.

"Did you have to psych yourself up to say that?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said, laughing self-consciously. "It's okay. I'll be fine. What kinda food do you want?"

"I'm tired," I admitted. "I don't really care. Surprise me."

"Oh-kay," she said, uncertainty thick in her voice. "If you're sure..."

I drove from my job to the food court and found Natalie waiting for me. She was standing on the curb, wearing a light jacket. She waved as soon as she saw me, then hopped right in, carefully situating the bags of take-out food between her feet on the floor of the car, and after a quick kiss that turned into a long kiss, we were off. Soon enough, we made it to my place and I parked. She carried the food and I lugged my stuff inside. I left the suitcase on the bedroom floor and then went back out into the front room, where Natalie was standing uncertainly next to my dining table, holding her jacket.

"First time in a guy's place?" I asked gently.

"Yeah..." she said, looking around.

"Well, make yourself at home. Bathroom's down the hall on the left. My bedroom is the door opposite that. And that's it. It's just a one-bedroom place."

She gave it an appraising look. "It's nice... you have better carpet and newer appliances in your kitchen. Nicer area of town, too."

"Let's eat," I said. "All I've had since breakfast was some peanuts on the plane and an energy bar in the office. I'm famished."

She set out the food on the table while I got dishes and silverware, then we sat down and dug in. The food was from where she worked, which I hadn't had yet. It was good and definitely hit the spot. After we were done, I cleared the table and she put the leftovers in my fridge, though I noticed she took a moment to examine what I had in there. I didn't mind, though; I assumed she was just curious about me. I figured I'd do the same thing in her shoes.

I moved to the couch and flopped down. She came over to join me, so I moved my legs to make room. She seemed unsure of what to do, which didn't surprise me. She looked at me, and her expression definitely seemed to say, "So what now?"

"Wanna watch TV or something?" I asked.

"Nah," she said. "Let's talk. Tell me about your trip."

I explained what my team and I had done, and she asked some questions and listened politely to the answers. "Back home today," I said, "in the office, my new boss wanted feedback on how we can improve the process. She wants the next trip to go smoother. Can't disagree, there."

"How'd that go?"

"Talked her ear off. Hope she doesn't think I'm a suck-up."

Natalie looked around. "Mind if I explore your apartment?"

"Uh, sure. Not much to explore, but go for it. I don't have anything embarrassing or incriminating to worry about."

She laughed and got up. I settled back onto the couch, pulling my legs up and leaning into the cushions while I watched her contentedly. She checked out my bookshelf, then wandered down the hall. "Big bedroom," she called out. I was starting to doze, so I didn't bother replying.

She made her way back out and ventured into my small kitchen. She started looking through the cupboards and drawers, just idly taking a look. Then, "Oh, ho, ho. What's this? Nothing incriminating or embarrassing, Rob?"

I perked up from my dozing. "Huh?"

"A calendar of scantily clad girls? Tsk, tsk, tsk. How naughty."

"Oh man. I forgot about that. It was a joke raffle at work."

She placed the calendar on the counter and opened it. "Wow, very scantily clad."

"What are you doing?" I asked her.

"Taking a look." She leaned forward on one elbow and started examining the pictures.

"Like I said, I didn't buy that. I won it in a raffle."

She looked at me and shrugged. "I don't mind." She examined the first picture. "Ms. January, whatever happened to your shorts?" After a while, she flipped to the next month. "Oh, Ms. February, you really should wear more clothes. Aren't you cold?"

I just stared for a bit, then shrugged and settled back into the couch. "Well, knock yourself out." It's not the reaction I would have expected from someone as sheltered as her. Maybe she was just trying not to react. Nothing to do except wait and see.

She was sure taking her time. Either she was boiling inside and was trying to settle down, or she really was just looking at the pictures.

"Ms. April, you naughty girl, whose hand was on your ass while you were tanning?"

I chuckled. Now that she brought it up, I did remember that picture.

"Ms. June isn't wearing any panties at all," Natalie commented. "Though she's got a handkerchief covering herself. Barely. Doesn't seem very practical."

"I don't think practicality is the point. You gonna look at the whole thing?"

"Maybe." She was silent for a while, then asked suddenly, "Which one's your favorite?"

"Uh... that sounds like the sort of question a guy shouldn't answer."

"C'mon. It's alright. I'm not mad. I'm honestly not surprised to find porn in a guy's apartment."

"That's not porn," I commented, then thought better of it and plowed on before she could respond. "I don't have a favorite. I think I looked through that calendar back when I won it, then I forgot about it."

She turned to the next month. "Wow, this one isn't wearing a top. She just has her arm covering herself. Do they get naked in here?"

"I don't think so."

She flipped through the rest of the calendar. "Yeah, they don't. Close, though. Some seriously tiny underwear going on here. Which one do you like best?"

"Again, I don't think that's a safe question to answer."

She laughed. "Sorry, I'll stop."

"You'll note I stuck it in a drawer rather than hang it up."

"You should hang it up. You don't have a single sexy poster or anything. Isn't there some bachelor rule you're violating?" She stood up straight and started looking around. "In fact, you have hardly anything on your walls. And look what I found! A lonely nail in the wall with nothing on it. What's that, Mr. Nail? You're bored? How would you like some sexy mostly-nude women hanging on you? You would?! Perfect!"

I sat up and watched her place the calendar on an otherwise empty wall. I noticed she had even put it on the correct month. I got up and went over to join her. "Well, now I have a calendar, apparently."

She nodded, then grabbed a pen from the counter. "I remember you're a year older than me, but when's your birthday?"

"Not that I need my own birthday on my calendar, but sure." I told her when it was, and she flipped to the correct month and wrote it in. Then she flipped to another month and wrote in her birthday, even though it had already passed. She paused to look at the picture. It showed a mostly naked women from over the shoulder looking down her body between her breasts. She was wearing a small neon green bikini, though the strings were undone and barely hanging on.

"Look at that," she said. "She's got, like, six earrings."

My eyes found the woman's ear, which I admit I hadn't noticed before, what with all the boob and ass flesh visible. Sure enough, she did have a lot of earrings in her left ear. The right ear wasn't visible.

"What do you think about that?" Natalie asked me as she turned the calendar back to the current month.

"Earrings? Piercings are kinda hot, if you ask me."

"Mm," Natalie said in reply. "Wanna watch TV?"

We returned to the couch and I grabbed the remote. I turned on the TV, then handed the remote to Natalie. "Pick whatever you want," I said as I got situated. I assumed she wouldn't be comfortable cuddling up to me on the couch, and I was right. She settled herself at the opposite end, pulling her legs up underneath her.

"I don't have a TV. At least, not yet." She looked at me but I stayed mum. "Wow, look at all these choices," she commented as she navigated around the TV's interface. "And nothing's blocked."

"Nope. Watch whatever you want."

She got quiet as she looked through the available movies and TV shows. I had several streaming services, so there were an overwhelming amount of choices. I was dozing again when I heard her give a small gasp.

"Huh?" I asked, eyes still closed.

"This movie," she said. "I've heard lots of good things about it. But I've never seen it."

"So watch it."

"That's okay? I mean... it's rated R."

I popped one eye open to look at her. "Seriously. You're twenty-one. Watch whatever you want."

She had a flushed look on her face as she hit the button to start the movie. She was fighting a grin. I glanced at the screen as the content warning flashed. "It's just language. This is a good movie, by the way. We can watch allll the R-rated movies you want. We can totally corrupt you and have fun doing it." She glanced at me, her expression briefly slipping.

I watched her face for a while as she settled in to watch her first R-rated movie. At age twenty-one. I refrained from any commentary about that fact, and allowed myself to just enjoy watching her face and expressions until I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, the apartment was dark, and quiet. I stretched and immediately realized a blanket had been placed on me. I stuck my leg out and kicked Natalie right in the butt. Fortunately, she barely stirred. She was asleep on the other end of the couch, curled up under another blanket. I could hear her soft breathing. I wondered what time it was, while also smiling to myself in appreciation of her thoughtfulness.

I carefully got up, doing my best not to disturb her, and headed for the bathroom. While in there, I glanced at my phone and saw that it was after four in the morning. I didn't remember a thing about the movie she had started, so I must have fallen asleep pretty fast.