I Should Can and Will at Least Try

He had both hands free. I realized he must have mounted the camera on the accordion reading lamp Demarcus had mounted above his bed. "You just relax, and just say 'stop' if anything bothers you," Rita directed. I could not see them, but I saw the bed shift as Rita and Demarcus sat to either side of Serena. Jason's pale hands started massaging Serena's scalp. She sighed slightly. Rita and Demarcus each took a hand and began massaging, as well.

I am not sure what I was expecting, but I was surprised by their gentle and patient nature. However, that is how Demarcus has always been with me. Jason's hands worked their way down to Serena's cheeks and the other two unbuttoned the cuffs of her sleeves. Serena was smiling softly, with her eyes closed, as Jason's hands worked their way to her neck; Demarcus and Rita moved down to massage her calves.

Slowly, stroking began to replace massaging for all six hands on Serena, and her breathing started to change. From calves, they moved to thighs, and Serena's legs parted for them. Jason gently undid the top two buttons of her blouse. Serena opened her eyes and looked up at Jason, with a look of almost wonder. More buttons of the shirt were undone, as Rita undid Serena's belt, and then Demarcus undid the hook and button on her slacks and slid the zipper down. The last shirt button was undone, but Jason had been careful not to part the shirt.

"I have been looking forward to seeing this," Rita said with relish. Both men murmured agreement, and Jason's pants twitched right next to Serena's head. Demarcus and Rita, with practiced ease, parted her shirt. It laid open on the cream-colored bedspread. Her pale skin looked beautiful on the blue background of her shirt. A pretty, but modest and conventional white bra cupped her high breasts. Her back was slightly arched and you could see the movement of her diaphragm and abdomen against her sternum and ribcage with each breath.

Jason's hands moved to her shoulders, gently sliding the bra straps to the side, so his hands could work, now massaging again. The others folded back the flaps of her open pants so one could see the top of her white cotton panties. Their hands began to stroke her belly, following the bottom of her ribcage back and forth. Serena closed her eyes again, as Jason's pants twitched again, brushing her cheek. Catlike, she rubbed her cheek against the growing bulge in his pants. His hands drifted lower, again starting to stroke rather than massage, following the straps down from her shoulders until his fingertips gently traced the top of her bra. Serena's back arched in response.

I heard Demarcus whisper, "Enjoy every minute, Serena."

Their hands continued their tantalizing attentions, while still not advancing, until finally Demarcus and Rita let their hands wander lower across her abdomen. Their fingers lingered along her waistline, while Jason's teased the tops of her breasts cresting above her bra. Serena was visibly panting by this time.

Finally she moaned, "Please keep going."

Twice more, their hands traced their course, then Rita and Demarcus slid her pants off and Jason unfastened her bra. Serena's small, dark areolas and firm erect nipples came into view along with her long, pale, athletic legs. "You are so beautiful," Rita said. By the look of Jason's pants he fully agreed with her. His shaft laid firmly along Serena's cheek almost up to her ear.

I shook my head. I wasn't watching for understanding, I was starting to enjoy it. What was I doing? I was staring at Jason's penis, albeit clothed, while sitting next to his wife. I shook my head again and paused the video.

"I shouldn't be doing this," I muttered, mostly to myself.

"You do have a right to know," Rita whispered.

"But, Rita..." I stuttered to a stop. "I just shouldn't." Rita caressed my hair in comfort; her hands felt comforting. "Rita, I just shouldn't. I really just shouldn't."

"Why?" she inquired.

I knew why. I just could not say why, at least not out loud. There was a long pause. Rita's hands felt good. "I never knew you liked women," I whispered.

I felt her shrug. "You and I talk about everything, except sex, my friend."

I chuckled. "Well, that is because when we first met, you would not shut up about it, until I threatened to demand a room change."

"Well, you were so 'Latter Day' pure, and I was far from that. And then, well, all of this just seemed too awkward to talk about. As you and Demarcus started dating and I knew you were exploring the whole sex thing, there was no way I could bring it up." She sighed, " And then, it became a habit not to talk about it, I guess. Every day I did not tell you about these tapes, it made it all the more awkward. I almost died when you told me on the phone about what had fallen out of the closet. And yes, I like women and men."

"So do you and Jason still do this?" I looked up from her shoulder at her.

"Yes, but no more filming. We have to be more careful now with the camp and all. You never answered my question, though. I asked why you shouldn't, and I could not help but notice that you said 'shouldn't' not 'couldn't'."

Thoughts spun through my mind like a spider building a web. Part of me wanted to lie, but then I thought about the lies of omission that Rita had told and how they had built a wall of sorts between us. I put my head in her lap and looked up at her. "Rita, why do you think he gave all that up just for me?"

She caressed my forehead. "Honey, have you looked in a mirror lately, or just listened to yourself? You know the answer, for I know he told you. So many girls wanted him because of his game, his future riches and his incredible body. He did not want any part of them. Then you show up, with your amazing sense of humor. At first, it was that aloofness. You never seemed to be impressed by anyone, but you were never a bitch about it. You talked to him about books, you really knew basketball, and you so clearly wanted to know him as a person. And the more he got to know you, we all got to know you, the more special you seemed. Part of me wanted to hate you for being so damn good at everything. You played better, talked better, thought better, but in the end you were just too kind and wonderful to hate, so I became your best friend. You are beyond special." She gave me a friendly peck right in the middle of my forehead.

Her words embarrassed me and her touch felt awkward, now that I knew she liked women, but it still felt nice, and maybe even felt better. Did I like women? No, I thought reflexively, but why no? I looked at Rita, trying to see if I felt some attraction. She was not dressed to be attractive, just a loose t-shirt and jeans, pretty much the same as me. Her arms, quite a bit lighter than Demarcus, but a beautiful brown, and her hair loose in a wild array of tight curls atop her round face. Her nose, flat and perfectly shaped, sitting above full lips. So, do I like women? Maybe? Well, maybe, but not how I like Demarcus and some other men whose bodies draw my eyes, but her hands felt nice. "You're blushing," she said, smiling. "It's okay to say you liked it." She nodded toward the video on the television screen. "Really, you are allowed."

I squirmed internally in discomfort. "I kind of did, but it was strange and disturbing seeing you all there. I mean, I never watched porn before, and I always thought it would be gross, but you are all so sweet to each other. I don't know, it reminded me of sex with Demarcus. That felt good, but also made me feel jealous and just weirded out."

"But you still have not answered. Why shouldn't you?"

"I don't know. It just feels wrong. I never shared anything like this," I waved my hand at the TV in explanation, "with anyone except Demarcus. Maybe it just feels wrong, almost like I am cheating on him."

"First, girl, I think it strange that watching porn would count as cheating and, second, watching your own husband having sex does not seem like cheating to me, but, yeah, I get that the whole thing is strange."

"Strange does not seem nearly strong enough," I answered, still enjoying and embarrassed by Rita's absentminded stroking of my hair. I fiddled with the VCR remote. I felt awkward, but also comfortable at the same time, which made no sense to me. I did not want to leave, but I did not know what to do next while being here. Silence stretched and rather than the discomfit growing, as it would amongst strangers, it thinned and faded.

With warmth and curiosity, and with no recrimination, I finally broke the silence. "What should I do now?"

Rita shrugged. "I guess that is up to you. You can do nothing, that is okay, you know. We don't have to say a word about it to anyone. I could pack this all up and that would be the end of it. You could tell Demarcus the whole story. He would not be mad; although, he would be really embarrassed and maybe ashamed for not having told you earlier. Phrase it carefully. He deserves that, I think."

I frowned. "Rita, do you think he misses it? I mean, I know and I get that he chose me and that feels really nice, but do you think he misses this?" I waved my hand toward the TV again, still too shy to really say what 'it' was.

She thought for a moment. I could see in her eyes that she knew the answer, but sought the right words, so I knew the answer, but waited quietly.

Finally, she nodded. "Yeah, I am sure he does, but I am also sure he does not regret his choice in the least."

I turned my head toward the blue screen of the TV, remembering what I saw there. "So when you said everybody with everybody, does that mean Demarcus is bisexual?"

Rita smiled dreamily, and I saw that her memories were taking her back to what was on that TV screen. "I don't really know, but I don't think so. Maybe a bit pansexual."

"Pansexual?" I asked, not knowing the vocabulary.

"Maybe, a bit. I mean he likes women more, a lot more. I don't think he is drawn to penises. However, I think we all learned during those times," nodding toward the TV, "that the touch of a kind and giving person whom you trust, feels wonderful no matter their gender and I think we all found great joy and satisfaction in giving pleasure to others, no matter their gender. However, no, I don't think he would ever masturbate to pictures of naked men."

I physically swallowed. That was a lot, an awful lot. Even her words were not the vocabulary I was used to hearing. We had gone over a decade without talking about sex, and now she was talking about penises and masturbation...about my husband, penises and masturbation all in the same sentence. It took me some time to get past that, to get past the fact that the words were not used for shock value, but because those were the words to use. Rita gave me time to think.

In all my time with Demarcus, as I learned from him and he let me discover on my own, we had always used euphemisms. I would say that I wanted him inside of me, and he would say my sex was wet with longing. Why did I do that? Why did he do that with me? Was he protecting me or trying to hide, or maybe not emphasize, his experience.

I looked up at Rita. I felt her hand in my hair as her words echoed in my head, " The touch of a kind and giving person who you trust, feels wonderful no matter their gender..." He gave that up for me. He never complained and never gave the slightest sign. I thought back to our first year, a year of near celibacy for him. What must that have been like for him?

Rita said he did not regret picking me over this, and I believe that. Even in bed, once we got there, he certainly showed relish and excitement, so at least I knew sex was not a chore for him. Still, he gave this up, something he loved for me, and it was something special, albeit weird. Internally, I instinctively recoiled at the thought of all those people, but again, Rita's words echoed, " The touch of a kind and giving person who you trust feels wonderful..." He gave it up for me; could I try it for him?

I closed my eyes, my head on my friend's lap. I thought back to what I had watched and I imagined myself as Serena. I imagined the feel of Jason's hands on my face, my husband and Rita massaging my arms. It would be like Demarcus's hands on me, but thricefold, but not quite. Rita's hand continued to stroke my hair and I felt how small and delicate her touch was, compared to Demarcus, who was ever-so gentle, but whose massive and powerful hands could stop a basketball mid-dribble by palming it. I thought, yes, I could do that. Then I pictured the shaft of Jason's manhood (wait, use the word), penis, brushing against my cheek and I shuddered in some kind of impulsive revulsion. "I think we all found great joy and satisfaction in giving pleasure to others, no matter their gender," Rita's words echoed in my head. Why revulsion? Jason was my friend. I love him and trust him. His happiness brings me joy, and is that wrong? Just how much of this revulsion is all-of-that-leftover religious baggage, and how much is what makes my marriage healthy?

"Rita, so for all these years during your marriage and before, you and Jason have been doing this? So doesn't that hurt the marriage? I mean, if you are having sex with others, what makes it special with Jason?"

Rita gazed off into the distance; following her gaze, I saw she was looking at the master bedroom. I blushed, but she did not notice, as her focus was on some image in her head. "Personal question-- do you look into Demarcus's eyes when you have sex with him?"

My cheeks burned, as I nodded. But she did not notice, as her gaze and attention were still elsewhere. So, I responded, "Yes, and it might be my favorite part."

She nodded, still in that faraway place. "Yeah, me too, me too." She paused, as her full lip broke into a small dreamy smile. "I look into Jason's eyes and I see everything we have built together, the day he asked me out, the day we were engaged, our first fight, our first make-up sex and everything else. Good sex brings you closer to a person, and the more you love a person, the stronger the pull. With Jason, when he is inside me and I feel that orgasm begin to burn in my belly, and our gazes are locked together, I almost feel like we become one person.

"Sex with other people, even people I know well, is fun, offers variety and...well, I always look into their eyes if they are willing--and if they are not willing I probably won't have sex with them again--and I feel that pull, but it is nothing like what it is with Jason."

I knew well the pull of which she spoke, and when Demarcus and I have our gazes locked during sex, my love for him swells and I do feel one with him.

My thoughts and emotions tumbled pell-mell like clothes in a dryer, but two bright, distinct thoughts stood out from the others. He gave this up for me. Why can't I try it for him?

"How much time do you have?" I asked her.

She looked at me, curiously. "Just you and me? The rest of the afternoon. Jason's at the game store playing Warhammer or some miniature wargame. Of course, in an hour or two, when the sun leaves the upstairs bedroom, the Furious Five will declare nap time over and commence their feline rampage."

"I want to watch some more, I think."

"Are you sure? You don't have to?"

Rita's question washed past me, as I started putting myself in Serena's role, lying on that bed with those hands upon me. I never answered her, and just pushed play.

Serena's body was taut from excitement and from the years of gymnastics and cheer. She was thin, almost painfully so, because of the abusive training small gymnasts and acrobats endured, as the price of being on a team back then. Her abs were tight, and as she arched her back in response to Jason's hands sliding down over her breasts and nipples, her stomach showed a spectacular six-pack. Her thighs were well muscled also, but, unlike my basketball legs, hers were thin.

Demarcus and Rita were massaging and stroking those legs, as Serena spread them wider offering herself to them. Their hands slid into her inner thighs and then up, Rita's small delicate hand dwarfed by Demarcus's. They traced the seam of her panties, and Rita leaned down and kissed her hip bone. The touch of her lips sent a shock through Serena, her eyes opening wide with ecstasy.

Jason leaned in to kiss her, and Serena's arms pulled him savagely close while Demarcus's thumb began to stroke Serena through her panties. "You smell wonderful," he said, "and your body is divine."

Serena reached down with one hand and drove Demarcus's hand against herself as she thrusted her pelvis into his thumb. His stroking turned to rubbing, his thumb pressing firmly against her.

Her body began to spasm against him, and he slid her panties aside. He guided his index finger into her, while keeping his thumb firmly on her nub. Rita slid her fingers to either side of Serena's lips. Jason and Serena were still kissing and his hands massaged her breasts. Serena suddenly pushed Jason's shoulders up, and he broke the kiss, but not the contact with her breasts. Her back arched, as she cried out, "Oh god! Oh god!! Oh, right there! Oh my fucking ..." and then her face froze in perfect ecstasy, as a shudder ran through her body. It lasted a few seconds, maybe, and she collapsed, panting with relief.

Rita and Demarcus, still gently stroking around Serena's pussy, reached across her and kissed. He brought one hand up to cup her face, eclipsing one entire side of her head. Jason, still at the head of the bed, massaged Serena's shoulders and forehead again, as a satisfied smile embraced her beautiful face. She rubbed her cheek along his shaft and brought one hand up to stroke him, before reaching up and unbuttoning his shirt. He had no t-shirt beneath, and his strong chest was accented by the hair between his pectorals that narrowed to a thin line disappearing into his pants. The muscles in his shoulders rolled, as he removed his shirt. She slid her head off his lap and, rolling over, began to unbutton his belt.

Demarcus's hands slid down to Rita's butt, still over her dress. She stood on the bed, and his hands slid down to her thighs, and then back up under her dress. They soon reappeared, pulling down her panties, which she gracefully stepped out of. She put her hands on his shoulders, gently pushing him back as she stepped across Serena, who shifted her body to give them more room on Demarcus's side. Demarcus effortlessly lifted Rita in mid-step and held her above him. Serena would have held form better, but Serena extended her arms and legs as if in flight, giggling. Demarcus held her small frame effortlessly.

While Rita flew, Serena finally got the belt undone. Then a button unfastened and a zipper slowly undone, as Serena looked up into Jason's eyes.

I braced myself, thinking of the first time I ate oysters, expecting to hate the experience, but suddenly enjoying it, as Jason's penis came into view. It was only the second one I had ever seen. It was a slender ivory rod; slender, at least compared to Demarcus. The head was a darker pink and Serena's hand embraced it. I pictured my hands there. The shaft would be smooth and most would easily fit in one of my hands.

Serena licked him from base to crown and then engulfed him.Next to them, Rita was lowered down and knelt across Demarcus's waist, her skirt gathered up at her hips, exposing her strong thighs.

The same thighs I was lying on, the same thighs I have seen so many times, but they looked different. They felt different beneath my head.

On screen, Demarcus was stroking her thighs as she unbuttoned his shirt. That glorious chest I had felt so many times came into view, in all of its power, almost hairless and high-chiseled muscles.

Rita slid off the bed and knelt on the floor, as Demarcus shrugged off his shirt. She licked his nipples, as she undid his belt and pants. She slid them down.