I Think You're My Dad

"In another month all the tall green grass you saw will be tall brown grass. Fire spreads through that at whatever the wind speed is. Last year there was a fire that started just west of Redding. That's about fifteen miles. The wind changed to the south and in two hours it was about six miles from here. That was pretty intense. There's only one road in and out of here and it's two lanes through the forest."

"You could be trapped?"

"If it were to spread to the area of that road we would be."

"That's scary."

"We're a lot more likely to die in a car crash than a fire. I wouldn't lose a lot of sleep over it."

"So, when I checked you out online it said you've never been married. How come?"

"You checked up on me?"

"I wanted to find out about my Dad."

"So, what did you find out?"

"You're exactly three weeks younger than my Mom. Graduated High School a month after you turned seventeen. Ten years in the Air Force. Graduated from the University of Nebraska School of Medicine. You have a 20% disability from the VA. Worked several years in north Texas before relocating to northern California. Five brothers and sisters. Parents are deceased. Never been arrested. Conservative in your politics. And never been married."

"Pretty thorough."

"You still never answered my question."

"I asked your mom to marry me twice. She said yes both times. I'm waiting on her."

"You've waited twenty-seven years?"

"What can I say? I'm a patient man."

"Surely you've dated? I mean, look at you, handsome, smart, successful. You've probably had women chasing you."

"I wouldn't call it chasing exactly but yes, I've dated. Nothing serious or long term though."

"Mom really stole your heart, didn't she?"

"Anita, I love Carol as much today as I did when we were teenagers at the Home. She didn't steal it. I gave it to her." Tears formed in Anita's eyes. "Do you like karaoke?"

"I like watching it but not actually singing," Anita replied.

"It's karaoke night at the country club. Wanna go?"

"Yeah, I'd like that. What's the dress?"

"Casual. I'm going to go change into my jeans."

"Okay, give me fifteen minutes to freshen up."

"You've got it."

They both went to their rooms. Dean showered and dressed in a sport shirt and jeans. Anita put on an Ozzy t-shirt and jeans then joined him in the great room.

"It's about four blocks. Are you okay with walking?"

"We're safe from the bear?"

"Completely safe."

"Let's walk," she replied.

The karaoke had just started. They ordered drinks and found a table far enough away from the speakers to talk. Several people sang. Some good, some not so good, but they all were having fun.

"Do you sing?" she asked.

"Occasionally."

"Will you sing tonight?"

"On one condition. I get to sing to you."

"Deal."

He walked to the DJ and handed him a note then came back to the table. About twenty minutes later the DJ called him up. He stood and took Anita's hand.

"Oh, no. I'm not singing," she said.

"You promised I could sing to you. You need to be sitting on the stage for that."

"Okay, but don't expect me to join in."

"You're an Ozzy fan, right?"

"I am."

They started toward the stage. "In honor of Ozzy I thought I'd sing Laguna Sunrise."

"D, that's an instrumental."

"Oh yeah. I guess I'll have to pick another song."

They stepped onto the stage. He had Anita sit on a stool. When the music began Dean held her hand and began the song. She was mesmerized. He got a big hand when he finished and walked her back to the table.

"Why 'Never My Love' D?"

"In High School I sang in a band. One evening at a dance I sat your Mom on the edge of the stage and sang it to her just like I did you."

"That's Mom's favorite song in the world. Sometimes she listens to it over and over."

"Anita, that was our song," he said with a soft smile.

"What'd she do when you sang it to her?"

"Blushed at first, then when she realized what was happening, she cried through the whole song."

"When she listens to it, she cries sometimes. I never knew why."

"That was a special time for both of us."

"D, she still loves you. We've got to find a way to tell her the truth."

"Anita, in the process we'd hurt her. I've already hurt her enough for one lifetime."

An older couple joined them at the table.

"Shelly, Jeff, this is Anita. Anita, this is Shelly and her lesser half Jeff."

They exchanged greetings.

"Dean, I love it when you sing but tonight was really something special. Please share?" Shelly pleaded.

"Anita is the daughter of my first love back in High School. When I was sixteen, I sang it to her mother."

"Doc, you could feel the love. That was a beautiful moment."

"Anita looks just like her Mom did. Somewhere in there I traveled back in time."

"Dean, this needs healing. Anita, do you have something of your mother's I could borrow? I'll get it back to you in a few days."

Anita looked through her purse then took a ring off her keyring. She handed it to Shelly.

"Can I see that?" Dean asked.

She handed it to him.

"It's a real diamond. She gave it to me on my sixteenth birthday," Anita told them.

"I remember this. I gave it to her on her sixteenth birthday. He took it away from her."

"Who did?" Anita asked.

"The superintendent. I wondered if she ever got it back."

"Sometimes when she would be listening to 'Never My Love' she'd hold it and look at it, but she never put it on. She always cried when she did it," Anita told him.

Dean handed Shelly the ring.

"Give me a date range of when you gave it to her, so I'll know where to target," Shelly told him.

"Seven thirty pm on November 14, 1966. Give or take five minutes," he replied. "Ohio time."

Shelly chuckled. "Is that when you put it on her finger?" He nodded. "This is perfect. I'll drop it by your house tomorrow or Saturday."

"Thanks. If I'm not home just put it on the island."

She and Jeff stood. "Gotta run. Early session tomorrow." They left after hugs.

"What was that all about?" Anita asked.

"Shelly is a Reiki healer. She says that with Reiki you can not only heal what's going on today, but you can heal the past. By holding your Mom's ring, she can connect with her in the past and help heal old wounds."

"Do you believe that?"

"I believe there's a lot more to the human condition than what science tells us. The important thing is Shelly believes it."

They left a short time later and walked back to the house. Both were quiet, deep in their thoughts. Dean remembered his Carol box that he had saved for all these years and remembered the note he had saved from so long ago. He would look for it later to show Anita. They sat on the screened patio listening to the sounds of the night. The otters were playing out by the dock. They couldn't see them on that moonless dark night, but they could hear them.

"Have you ever seen the Milky Way?" he asked.

"No. I didn't realize you could without a telescope."

"Come with me."

He walked her down the ramp away from the house and stopped just at the beginning of the dock then pointed skyward. There it was, looking like a faint grey, white mist across the star covered sky as clear as if she were looking at it from space.

"Wow, that's impressive."

"It's even more impressive when you realize you aren't actually seeing what it looks like now. The light we see now left those stars a long time ago. Most, hundreds or thousands of years ago. We're looking into the past with each one. They estimate around a hundred billion stars in the galaxy spread out over millions of miles and we're just seeing the brighter ones. Between us and those stars we can see Mars, the red one, over there. Saturn not far behind and straight overhead is Jupiter. Even the planets we see are what they looked like in the past. The Saturn we see was over an hour ago. One day mankind will travel to those places. We'll do things that will change their future, but their past will remain as it is. We can't change that any more than we can change our own pasts. We accept it and make changes today that affect tomorrow."

"If you're leading up to telling me to leave you and mom in the past you dropped the ball."

"How so?"

"You said accept the past. Make changes today that affect the future. If I can show Mom that what she experienced in the past was a pack of lies that could trigger change in the future of all of us. Change for the better. You have a beautiful life. You obviously love what you do and based on the reviews you have online you're good at it. You live in a beautiful place but you're alone. The woman you love lives twenty-five hundred miles away. She's still in love with you too and she's just as lonely as you are. You said you choose to be happy. D, you're lying to yourself. You aren't happy. You've adjusted to a loveless life and call yourself happy. That's acceptance, not happiness. She's doing the same thing. She exists just like you. It's time you both experience life and as soulmates you should be doing that together."

"Anita, you have no idea how many times I've tried to think of a way to do just that. The obstacle is truth. My truth and hers are different."

"And that guy, Mr. Worth, is the one person that she would listen to and believe the truth. He's the key, isn't he?"

"Yeah, I suppose he is. The superintendent's wife, Beth Tucker, knows the truth too, but Worth was the only actual person who knows firsthand."

"D, there's a way. I can feel it."

"Anita, I'm begging you. Please don't do anything to hurt your mom."

In the dark, Anita couldn't see his tears, but she knew he was crying.

"I won't hurt her. I'm going to go to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."

Anita put her arms around him. They held each other for a long time not speaking. He stayed outside alone after she went inside. Once inside he went around and locked all the doors. When he was alone, he had never been concerned about it. Now there was this precious young woman sleeping there and her security mattered. He turned off lights as he went through and went to his bedroom.

There was a wooden tea box he had picked up in Japan that sat in the back corner of his closet. He carried it to his bed and removed the lid. Dean removed the manila envelope inside and emptied the contents on the bed. The papers were all notebook pages and folded to pocket size and yellowed with time. As carefully as if he was opening a treasured relic, he unfolded the first. It read.

"I love you to! Carol"

He smiled, folded it again, and opened the second.

"D, I love the ring. It's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever given me. Exept your love. When I got back to the dorm after Town Hall Mr. Tucker was wating for me. He's woried that someone mite steal it. He's going to keep it in his safe for me for spesial ocasions. Please don't be mad he's just keeping it safe. I love you with all my heart. This was the best birthday ever. Carol."

It had made him mad. He knew Tucker didn't want them together and often went out of his way to keep them apart, just like Mr. Worth did. He was glad Carol had gotten it back and had given it to Anita. The third note was the one he was looking for and he set it aside to show her tomorrow. He put the envelope back in the box then set the box at the foot of his picture wall. Dean looked at the pictures for a long time then finally undressed and went to bed. Lying there he thought about Anita. He wished so much she could be his daughter, but it was physically impossible.

* * * * *

Chapter 02

When Dean got up Friday morning, he went through his usual morning routine of shower, shave, etc. He dressed and put the note from the night before in his pocket then went to the kitchen. Anita was sitting at the table looking outside.

"Good morning. Would you like some coffee?"

"Good morning. I was going to make coffee, but I couldn't find a coffee maker."

"I use a coffee press. Want a cup?"

"Sure."

He made the coffee and brought it to her.

"Cream or sugar?"

"No thanks. I take mine straight. Just for future reference, Mom puts two packs of Stevia in hers."

"Thanks, I'll remember that. How did you sleep?"

"That is the most comfortable bed in the world."

"I have the same mattress on all three beds. I love it."

"What kind of mattress is it?" she asked.

"Purple." She gave him an odd look. "That's the name, purple mattress."

"Weird, what color is it?"

"Uh, purple."

"I guess it makes sense. When are we going for the tests?"

"I thought we'd leave in about thirty minutes, have breakfast and go from there."

"Will we get results today?"

"Their website says tests done before eleven can be picked up at three."

"I hope the test results are the same as what I have. I'd love for you to be my father."

"I'd love that too but there's no way I can be. I'll make you a deal."

"What?"

"Regardless of the results you can still be my daughter and I'll be your Dad."

Anita smiled. "Offer accepted, Dad."

Dean smiled. He had been called many things in his life but never 'Dad.' It felt good. Somehow it felt right. Anita's cell phone rang. She looked at the caller ID then put her finger to her lips to shush him. She answered and put it on speaker.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, baby girl," she replied.

Dean knew the voice even after not hearing it in twenty-seven years. It was soft and sultry, a little deeper than you would have expected to hear.

"What's up?" Anita asked.

"I'm going shopping today. I was hoping you'd join me."

"I wish I could but I'm out of town until Wednesday," Anita replied.

"Where are you?"

"Cottonwood, California."

"Where in heaven's name is that?"

"West coast of the US. It's a big place. Runs from Oregon to..."

"I know where California is, smarty pants. Where is Cottonwood?"

"Do you know where Redding is?"

"Yes, up north by the redwoods."

"It's about fifteen miles south of there."

"Okay, why are you in Cottonwood, California?"

"Checking things out. It's beautiful here, Mom. You should see it."

"Next time invite me before you go. What's so beautiful about it?"

"The place I'm staying is in a beautiful valley between Mt. Shasta and Mt. Lassen. The Sacramento river runs right through the valley. There's wildlife everywhere. Last night I was standing by the lake and saw the Milky Way."

"It sounds beautiful, but don't you miss the corn fields?"

"Not a bit. I miss you but other than that the view I want to see of Ohio is in my rear-view mirror."

"I knew you'd want to leave one day. If I were younger, I'd probably leave too."

"Mom, you say that like you're an old lady."

"I am an old lady."

"Mom, you're forty-three."

"That's old, Anita."

"It is not. I went to karaoke last night. You'll never guess what song I heard."

"Oh Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble?"

"No. A guy sat a girl on a stool and sang 'Never My Love' to her. There was silence on the line. "Mom? Are you there?"

"I'm here. I, uh, got distracted. Was he a good singer?"

"Very good. It reminded me of you and how you use to look at the ring you gave me. Where'd you get the ring?"

"Someone gave it to me a long time ago on my birthday."

"A boy?"

"Well of course a boy. Who else gives a sixteen-year-old girl a diamond ring?"

"Was it an engagement ring?"

"Anita, I was sixteen. It was a birthday present."

"That's quite a gift at sixteen."

"Yes, it was a very special gift."

"Boyfriend, obviously?"

"Obviously," Carol replied.

"Who was he?"

"His name was Dean. So, what else are you going to do in California?"

"More sightseeing. Dean what?"

"It was a long time ago. I don't remember."

"A boy gives you a diamond ring on your birthday and you don't remember his name? Gimme a break, Mom. What was it?"

"Coates, his name was Dean Coates."

"You've never mentioned him before, Mom."

"This is all too weird. I dreamt about him last night. Always before when I thought about him it made me cry but last night it reminded me of how he always made me feel."

"How was that?"

"Loved, Anita. Totally and completely loved. I dreamed about the evening when he gave me the ring and how it felt when he put it on my finger and the love I felt looking into his beautiful brown eyes. That song you heard last night..."

"Never My Love?"

"Yes. Two weeks before he gave me the ring, we had a Halloween party. D, was the singer in the band."

"D?"

"I always called him D. I only called him Dean when I was mad at him over some foolish nothing. Anyway, he sat me on the edge of the stage and held my hand then sang that song to me. I cried like a baby. I knew he meant every word and would never stop loving me."

"So, what happened?"

"He left the Home the next spring after telling me the day before he'd never leave me. I knew why he left and expected him back in a day or two, but he never came back. A few days later I found out he had been seeing a girl from town."

"That must have hurt."

"I was devastated. We were going to get married after High School. When he left, he took my heart with him."

"Have you seen him since he left?"

"A couple of months later he showed up in a drug store. He begged me to talk to him. There was something he needed to tell me. I wouldn't even look at him. I knew I'd start crying if I did. When I left the drug store he followed outside. I told a cop he was following me. I guess he left town."

"Did you ever see him again?"

"About four years later. I saw him but he didn't see me. He was in the Air Force then."

"So where is he now?"

"Last I heard he had just graduated from med school and was moving to Japan. His sister Debi told me that."

"Mom, you're single now. Why don't you see if you can track him down?"

"Anita, I did something to get back at him for hurting me. Part of it worked but part of it backfired. I could never face him after what I did."

"Mom, you still love him."

"I'll always love him. My God! I haven't admitted that to myself in twenty-seven years. I still could never face him. I would have to tell him what I did. I'm not brave enough to do that."

"What did you do?"

"Anita, if I told you that you'd hate me too."

"I could never hate you."

"I'm not willing to take that chance. So, you're coming home Wednesday?"

"Yeah, late. My car's at the airport. I'll see you Thursday."

"I love you, baby girl."

"I love you too, Mom."

She pushed the button ending the call. Dean was deep in thought.

"Anita, when is your birthday?"

"April 1st, '73."

He looked at the calendar. "Were you full term?"

"I was about a month premature, why?"

"Just curious. Ready to go to breakfast?"

"I'm ready."

They went to breakfast and then to the office for testing and told to come back between three and four for the results.

"Anything you'd specifically like to see?"

"How far are we from the ocean?"

"Three hours each way. How about we go there tomorrow? We'll have all day," he asked.

"I didn't bring a swimsuit."

"You won't need one."

"I'm not going to a nude beach!"

He started laughing. "That wasn't what I meant. The pacific is cold up here in the spring. You'd freeze your fanny off in the water this time of year."

"I thought California was sunshine, warm beaches and movie stars."

"That's Southern California. This is Northern California."

"If I'm going to the beach in California I have to go in the water."

"Did you bring sweats?"

"No."

"Then you need a swimsuit and sweats to put on as soon as you get out. You won't stay in the water long."

"I'm an Ohio girl. I'm used to the cold."

"Right. Ohio girls have sense enough not to swim in cold water. Have you ever seen the giant redwoods?"

"No."

"They're over there too. You can thaw out on the way to see those."