by bigtittiewoman
I would find the storytelling much more compelling if you translated some of the narration into dialog. Yes, you told us what they said, but narrating such interactions tends to flatten the story... at least for me.
Go ahead and give Ch 02 a go. I think this plot line has legs.
By the way, don't sweat the inane comments by Anonymous writers.
brilliant hot horny story. pity it was written a long time back but it could be back up with more added to it making it such a awesome story part two of many.
Zzzzzzzzzz person, how could you not like this story, what are you gay.
Your story was great... You need to keep on writing, it really turned me on :-)
Anyone up for a Lesbian Party in York? If so contact me, maywillsher@hotmail.co.uk
x
Had me yawning from the first paragraph. Leave writing to educated people!
Keep the chapters coming. This is a wonderful start to what will be a very hot series.
Hot story!! I loved the dirty talk makes the sex that much hotter!! Good job..
Nice Job!
Good length and kept to the basics. I hope you keep going, you have some talent, keep on writing.
Thanks ofr your efforts!
Rev