All Comments on 'I'd be Better Off'

Man, this one shook me to the core. Just a little different though.

Not a blood brother, but a brother in arms.... and ultimately SHE swallowed a lead pill.

Fuck Semper Fi!!!!! and everyone living on that side of the street as well. Amen

It’s a decently-written story, but I dislike the central character so much that I’m not going to score it because I would almost certainly give it a score that is less than it really deserves.

Good first effort. You could use an editor though. Multiple grammar and punctuation mistakes, not to mention saying the same thing about Any twice, word for word. A decent proof reader will catch these mistakes for you, and your finished product will be better for it. It's still a VERY good first effort however.

Very good, but would have added to the story to show more of what became of the two cheaters. Personally, I think suicide is the only viable option for both of them, but that assumes each actually has a conscience for more than performative purposes. Where do they go from here?

Good story! I thought your protagonist was very sympathetic and believable. Pay no attention to the trolls. Thanks for posting. I look forward to your next story.

Crazy he loved but suicide .. time heal those wounds . Brother steals wife and kills brother in suicidal death wish. It can happen as people fall into compulsive patterns.

Great debut for a new aurhor! I hope we'll read more from you!

Why would you write a story about such a pathetic individual.

Good story and I hope you continue to post more. I have never read a story done like this and even though I knew what would happen when you mentioned Jake carrying a gun, I still enjoyed the story.

Well written with a nice background to make the ending plausible.

Good Lord man, this was your first story? Your punctuation was perfect. The drawing into the mind of Will was absolutely spot on. I was saddened by his choice to leave the planet and not try to fight back somehow. But i also understand the feeling of emptiness. What a sad but wonderful story. I can't wait to read more of your writings if you so choose to continue. You touched a part of me that I have not felt for a while. I thank you.

Had to come back as this story is hanging with me (a good storyline does, even with undesirable outcomes). Much has been said about what a terrible brother Jake was to steal his brother's wife. But he also stole his parent's son. I also think about the horrible deficiencies in character that Jake and Amy would have to have in order to "bond" so immediately upon first meeting. I doubt that what they had was really love, certainly not the agape love that Will held for Amy. I think Jake had Amy had more of an Eros or lust love, the kind that would probably never have developed into anything stronger. More is the pity for Will and his parents that treachery and deceit came to live with them.

Mibal_Zahari-said:

"...How could Amy continue life with a man who had just killed his brother in front of her?..."

Not only did Jake kill his brother, he killed Amy's husband too! Amy still held a fairly strong emotional attachment towards Will and was already feeling guilty about what she and Jake did to him. She knew Will's current emotional state was directly tied and due to her and Jake's treachery and deceit. Amy says "It's all my fault...", well, she is half right.

Great first story. Good stopping point but it left me wanting to hear the aftermath. I look forward to more of your submissions

25 Years ago gf of 2.5 yrs broke up over the phone while i was driving. my ex-bestfriend had been talking her up. ex-bestfriend was ex because he robbed my family while we were at the icu for my brother he was caught by his own aunt. stole my parents weddings. she new about all of and did what she did. i stepped out my truck on the interstate. then i was in icu. karma is bull. he has 3 kids and his wife is a morning radio personality in al. i cat trust anymore.

@lenerd spenser,

What is a "Myter".

Good first effort, but so many grammar, syntax, and confusion as to which character was speaking in first person errors, took away the flow a bit. But still a good story

A fantastic first story but you need an editor.

Brutal

One of the best I've read in a long time.

Well written and thought given into the story from Will, they destroyed him he destroyed them, the gun thing however in this day and age, and his brother being ex forces is shady at best, coupled with older brother taking younger brothers wife and life, would be looked at more seriously. He was a trained killer, he was trained to maim and kill, this was his brother using and antique gun, someone so skilled in firearms could have easy drawn and disabled the shooter, as he claimed a lot of time spent training, they don't just kill people they capture for Intel and that includes instant firefights.

Coming from a family wete law enforcement is held his older brother would have been detained and charged on manslaughter not self defense.

Was like a knife stuck in my liver?? Funny twist at the end

Anonymous critics are pussies. They are afraid to put a face to their criticism and they think they great writers but never submit anything.

It was a good story Maybe a little over the top with the “my love “ and “darling “ while they’re fucking . It was good first try and don’t let the moron anonymous’ discourage you from continuing

What a great first effort. 5 stars for that... but, this demands a chapter 2 or an epilog. I believe that at minimum your readers want to know what happened to Amy & Jacob: did they marry each other? Or anyone else? Does Will’s suicide affect either of the two’s ability to love another? Do they have children? How does Will’s Mom & Dad accept the marriage if it happened? Or the children from that union? Much there to contemplate! I’m impressed with you so far, don’t quit now.

I Agree with fritz51 this story needs an Epilogue telling how things came at the End, Did they marry have those kids they were talking about. Did the Parents Deal with them or forget them.

excellent story, terrific writing, depressing as hell,

thanks for writing

I think a manslaughter charge was more likely… Jake goes to jail for that. Not murder, but certainly manslaughter with the other gun unloaded and never even pointed at him.

Great, great story. Very tough!!

For other commenters - Even when trained, when there is no doubt a gun (a .45) was being drawn on him, the brother (especially if he was trained to react quickly) had little choice. It was an obvious case of self-defense. Now, self-defense and stand-your-ground laws vary greatly from one State to another, but given the circumstance, it's highly unlikely his brother would be charged with anything. Jake didn't have several minutes to figure out his brother was manipulating him, or to determine the gun wasn't loaded, or perhaps to respond to anything other than a gun being pulled on him and being told to 'draw'). Not only is it self-defense, it was appropriate and fair use under the circumstance, in most if not all States .

Keep in mind the primary 'evil' (if you will) actions do not involve Jake shooting his brother, or even in being manipulated into doing so. The bad moves were:

1 - Jake's betrayal of his brother (by allowing himself to fall for and try and take his brother's wife)

2 - Amy's betrayal of her husband

3 - Jake's and Amy's betrayal of the family, familial roles, and of vows taken

4 - Amy's and Jake's lack of compassion for her husband (and his brother)

5 - Amy's and Jake's deciding to prioritize selfish pursuit of lust above wedding vows and fraternity

Another had asked for a follow-up. I think a the primary possibilities are already in place. After his death, Amy opines, "I had been a fool to believe that he could ever let me go or that I WOULD BE ABLE TO LET HIM GO. I don't know if he it was what he intended, but he had created a standard of love for me that no one would ever be able to meet." and "I felt that I was doomed to wander the earth looking for the same kind of love that I had thrown away.". She gets it, finally, and realizes a brief period of limerence was nothing compared to the deep love she already had and actually felt. She would NEVER go back to Jake and probably never sees him (or her husband's parents) again. She's pretty much emotionally screwed for life.

There are some questions for Amy's future (interpolating from the story):

- Does she attempt suicide (as it was indicated she might)?

- If so, was it successful?

- If she doesn't attempt suicide (my preference), or if she does and survives . . . Does she ever attempt to date again, or will her self-induced penance be a lonely life, perhaps trying to do good for others, volunteering or some such?

What seems likely for Jake:

I think he'll become a loner . . . hopefully trying to do good. He might become one of those heroes who pretty much keeps to himself, and only a few will know why. He will see his parents sometimes, but they will never completely reconcile. He will never see Amy again, and will always regret that he felt any attraction for her or worse, didn't ignore it, and attempted to act upon it. This regret will keep him from ever forming any long-term relationships.

Both he and Amy will lead lonely lives, perhaps attempting to do good for others, attempting somehow, to atone for a wrong that they can never right.

That's my opinion based upon what was written anyway.

Very good story in many ways; however, I rad to be entertained. I like stories where the wife is tempted to cheat but remains faithful, and there is a happy ending. This story certainly wasn't entertaining.

Thanks for posting. I found the story to be effective in a stiff, rote, careful-to-stay-inside-the-lines way. If your promised narrative from Amy also ends up stiff, rote and careful-to-stay-inside-the-lines, it won’t be your characters who share that similarity: it will be their creator.

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For sure, a story whose plot is based on a melodramatic country song is therefore limited to the events of the song, right? So perhaps we shouldn’t be critiquing the story or the author but the songwriter.

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Agree with the Anonny who said they married too early. Age matters less than maturity, but Amy demonstrated that she had developed almost zero capability to protect her marriage and fight thru difficulty. She probably wasn’t mature enough to own a cat, let alone be married.

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Some people want to give her and Jake credit for having not yet acted on their infatuation, but they had: by constantly messaging each other on social media, they explored their feelings and flirted constantly. If they are truly respectable (they’re not), their interactions would be respectable. Imagine if Jake had to use the wall telephone in his parents’ kitchen, or a party line, to call his brother’s wife on their family phone; they wouldn’t even try it, would they, because their suspicious and shameful behavior would be discovered.

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Then consider the stupidity of the two people who betrayed you trying to comfort you. Every word they utter is automatically a lie because they have ceded the right to deserve your trust. Their arguments that you will eventually find someone better is only true because they are demonstrating how worthless they are. They should both shut up, leave him alone, get him help and stop pretending they still care.

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But the real critique is the conclusion. Why is Will sooooooo determined never to grow past his betrayal? In committing suicide, Not only is Will a coward, he is almost just as emotionally immature as Amy but compounded by the stubborn self-righteousness that prevents him from seeing that a marriage vow is not an anchor to keep two unhappy people together; it is a foundation for two people to build on equally. Faithfulness is a starting point, not a life-ending point.

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Overall, because you were following a formula I felt like we didn’t learn at all about your creativity, characterizations or plot development skills. Hoping to see more in the follow up.

Will was an immature coward, as well as an asshole. So his wife and brother fell in love which superseded their love for Will. Shit happens in life and it really meant that Amy did not see Will as he saw her. Get a divorce and move on. Instead, the immature baby has to cause grief for his parents, bother and ex-wife, as well as his friends, buy committing suicide by having his brother shoot him. Real asshole, and world may be better off without him in it.

Sorry, but no matter how well the story is told, forced murder/suicide is not only cowardly, it is never justified.

No woman in the world is worth living by "suicide".

If he really loved them both as much as you want us to believe, then he would never have left them in such a hopeless situation.

So, we have to assume Jake and Amy never got together? It was a great story otherwise.

“ They assured him he would better off afterwards”. …. And he was.

And what did happen to Jacob and Amy? Can’t imagine they’d be together. Amy’s foreshadowing her suicide? Not exactly Romeo and Juliet though.

Excellent story.

What a rotten brother and wife. I doubt she could just move on. Also the story was told well however I would have loved it if he shot his brother then himself. Let the treacherous bitch live with that for the rest or her miserable life.

Very well done tragedy. I don't see much of a future for Amy and Jake. Neither of them was strong enough to do the honorable thing for Will, so why expect that they would be for each other?

You've got to feel sorry for the parents of low IQ folks like RocketMan12 that hide behind a fake name to bash people who are open and honest about their anonymity. It must suck to have to admit that such a piss poor excuse for a child carries their genes.

Great story, and what a way to start. Like another commenter said, it was depressing as hell, but it’s still a very powerful story. Thanks, 2w&r, I hope to see more from you in the future.

5 stars.

To those saying the story needs an epilogue: The story already has an epilogue. I agree that more of the aftermath could have been shared, but you just look silly asking for something that already exists.

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@Impossiblefuture - A 1911 is not an antique firearm. It is, in fact, a semi-automatic pistol that is still manufactured and sold today. It is a popular weapon and I recently considered getting one in 9mm. Based on Jake giving it to him as a graduation gift, that particular 1911 was probably less than 5 years old. Further, military and law enforcement are deliberately and specifically taught to shoot center mass and not shoot to disarm. There are very good reasons for this. Feel free to do a little actual research if you can't figure them out for yourself.

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To all commenting about the gun being unloaded. There is NO way to know whether or not the gun being pointed at you is loaded or not. "Suicide by cop" is a common thing and quite often involves an unloaded weapon as the person doesn't want to hurt anybody else. This is the same basic concept, only with a soldier instead of a police officer. With all of the evidence they have, it is quite clear that the shoot was justified even if it was sad and avoidable.

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@afanoffanlit - The story states that the gun had cleared the table before his brother shot him. That would seem to at least imply that the gun was being pointed at Jake.

Good story of the depth of one man's sincerity and commitment

Married wife threw her husband over for a crush.

Brother abrogated his brother's marriage over a crush.

Neither respected the commitments made.

Grim, and probably the road less travelled, thankfully

Our MC needed to realize that this woman, his wife, was not who he though she was. He did not really know the woman with whom he fell in love. Thus, he could not really know the truth of the depth of how he reacted to her.

Five for you

Well written, I cried!

The perfect occasion for "He Stopped Loving Her Today"...sad but well written story--hopefully Jake drank himself to death after Amy committed suicide.

The wife is responsible for Wills death the most.

The brother won't be in jail but in a prison of his own making and Amy will never have a relationship with him. They will both be haunted for the rest of their lives by their betrayal never able to forgive themselves.

Thanks for writing

You don't wanna hurt me

But see how deep the bullet lies

Unaware I'm tearin' you asunder

Oh, there is thunder in our hearts

Is there so much hate for the ones we love?

Oh, tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You

It's you and me

It's you and me

Won't be unhappy

Captcha (courtesy KB)

Strong stuff.

Well written and interesting.

4 out of 5 from me.

Very well structured. Five stars.

Wow, amazing powerful story. Emotionally devastating. Thank you.

What a great story. So emotional. Thanks.

Very good , very sad 5 stars from xluckylee

Fantastic. Tragic. Shakespearean even. 5 emotional stars!!!

@afanoffanlit, Jake has no way of knowing that the gun isn't loaded.

Story of a weak man doing a pathetic thing. Oh well it is well written so 4 stars.

At least it’s not a cuck story.

Absolutely incredible story. To have both Will's wife and his brother--the people who should love him most--betray him is unforgivable. I don't know how their lives will unfold but I think they deserve to live in miserable loneliness. That's especially true of Jacob, he's an evil bastard to pursue his own brother's girl. But both were egregiously cruel. It's heartbreaking that Will's gun was empty, he never wanted to hurt anyone.

Please continue writing, your stuff is riveting. I look forward to your future stories!

Why is anyone describing what Will did as "suicide"? A thousand different things could have happened when Will said "Draw". Only one of them ends up with Will dead. Jake, the great, vaunted, and highly trained war hero could have disarmed Will. Jake could have left his gun at home. Jake could have taken another shot from his brother, one for glory. What happened was involuntary manslaughter in the process of self-defense. Which is exactly why Jake wasn't in prison.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. It was pretty good if maybe a little heavy on the melodrama.

Great story.

Good first story!

4

Great first story

Foolish reaction from Will. A good story the reflects the mental attitude too many spouses feel about their marriage. If you learn that your wife or husband who wants out of the relationship just call it quits and get rid of the old baggage. No one is worth dying for so just get on with your life. Hard to do but just grow up and forget your teenage infatuation with "only one I'll ever love".

I wish there was a way for the Marines to ‘disown’ the brother even though he was already discharged. He dishonored Semper Fidelis!

ZK

My thoughts read leonardspencer.

LOVE slap-hapy-papy #9

Holy shit! That was excellent writing! Emotionally gritty and intense. Every one has character flaws. Will committing suicide caught me by surprise, though I should have suspected it from the song. Well done

Very nice

Not enough fallout, not enough suffering for the two asswipes. Would of been better in the sequel if the baby turned out to be Jake's. Would of made for a better story.

Strong story! Thanks for writing.

Powerful and sad story. Great writing.

"I never thought it would end like this, dad. I am so sorry," - How did he expect it to end? At BEST he gives her the divorce, you marry her and leave town. There's no way you can be part of the family now.

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The parents' reaction is MUCH more realistic than the parents in BigGuy33's "Of All People," where his wife fell in love with his lesbian twin sister, and their parents expected him to accept it, to the point of allowing them to come to family dinners even when he made it clear that he wouldn't come if they were there.

"Jacob was six years older than me and I hadn't seen him for eight years." - Jacob had few ties there, as soon as he BEGAN to develop feelings for his brother's wife he should have left town.

A sad take of love and betrayal. The older brother, Jacob, had no honor.

Hypergamy meets testosterone and makes a hell of a mess.

Quit reading when he started Idiotic behavior.

You lost dumb shit and instead of crying and then going on with life you went insane. Only possible reason for suicide. Pain is temporary death is permanent!!!

Can't deal with insanity.

Brother's never do that to one another if they are men with even an iota of character. Jake should have left town and never returned until he found his own woman to love. Only hope is that Amy lives a battered and broken life, but no matter what happens she'll never receive the punishment she deserves for betraying her husband's love. Two unbelievably terrible people.

4. Darn that was a depressing read. I hoped Will would live, that he'd be injured but live, give him a chance to start a new life while his wife and brother's life was destroyed by their actions. Sometimes like in real life there is no happy ending and there was none for any character in this story. Will is dead, his brother is going to live with the guilt of his dishonorable actions and taking his brother's life, Amy realized just how badly she hurt that man who loved her and probably won't live long, and the brother's parents have lost one child while having to try to deal with the fact their other child took his life after betraying him.

Suicide is a giant “Fuck You” in that respect he won. In reality he was a pissy little bitch.

Having had a cheating wife, I get it.

The weak part is the two of them fooled me and his no ex-wife that they were both just friends.

The cheaters only moved in together once both divorces were finalised.

True military teaches you to never mess with a "Brother's" girlfriend or wife. Let alone your actual brother. Second Jake would not have gotten away with self defense.

Jake has go to jail he has intentions kill his brother for his love to brothers wife why he had gun with him is suspicious, but will nows he has no chance of reclaiming his wife from his big bro,his love for wife not enough she must gone physical feeling his big cock better than her husband who doest satisfy her ,women wants more she say never cheated did she? What love it's lust only she is selfish ,no guilt she can have fuck fest with his brother, will is dumb he thought his wife was faithfully his, he kills himself ,he should moved on or killed both his bro and his unfaithful wife , not be sick cuck or wimp....well written so much emotions

For some reason, some rather obtuse writers seem to think “Loving Wives - Married extra-marital fun: swinging, sharing & more.” means dead husbands.

I have no idea why so many writers here want to see themselves as victims of life, and victims of women. Don’t you guys want to be Real Men? Real Men don’t say, “My heart is broken. I wish someone would kill me. How do I get someone to kill me?” They pick themselves up, find another goal, and move on with their lives, surviving and thriving.

Mr. Author, if this is really you, you need to talk to a professional. And stop writing such horrible, downer stories. The writing quality was adequate, but damn, I hated this.

Great story! I love when I run across a real story on Lit opposed to a juvenile fantasy. They have their place, but I enjoy something more substantive. You have a gift and generated real emotions through your writing. Thanks again.

I probably don’t really mean this, but in the story, I was hoping he was going to kill them first. Oh, well…

There didn't seem to be any hope for a happy ending when the wife and brother met, hoped the husband could banish both of them from his life and move on but it didn't seem likely.😥😰

Nicely done

A good read but it's not really finished. The brother should have been held for murder especially if wills was empty?

It was his brother who he hailed as great man, idolized him, that broke him. any other man and he would still be alive. It would have been his brother kept him from harm. They were in lust. i never really liked my brother but i never let any girl he dated become more than a potential sister. If i was his dad i have made him explain all of it. The just happened thing is bullshit. i am also wondering why he was armed. He was new with exciting stories. She was wide eyed and naive. She compared and came up with just like his brother, already loved his family, better future with status, and way more physical attraction. she just leasing a better model, in her eyes

I had a feeling that Will was going to set Jake up to kill him. He planned it, and set everything in motion, right down to getting Amy to agree to meet with him at the apartment. Then he called Jake to come over and meet with him. He wanted Jake to put him out of his misery, and he wanted Amy to see Jake kill him.

I liked the story, even if it was a little morbid (death isn't the answer writers). It was well written, even a little clinical, as it's hard to put emotion into words, and do it with some sort of feeling. The good writers on here work around that (they're story tellers) and it's hard for them to put it into words as well (it makes a good story even better). Most do it by shooting someone else in a fight or fire fight (multiple people being shot) or something like that. At one point I thought Will was going to shoot himself in front of both of them, but now I see he had a better plan. The shooting was definitely telegraphed, especially when he got his guns out of storage. But the real question was how they were going to be used.

I guess the big part of Will's plan was to have Jake kill him quick, but it would always haunt both Jake and Amy, and they'd never be together with Will's death hanging between them. It was Will's way to BTBoth of them, Jake and Amy.

I agree with BSreader from 18 days ago, in that it's really not finished. Maybe one day FTDS will come along and give it a part 2 and tell us how it really finished.

A heart touching tale of deepest love, lust and betrayal

Till death

How hard to is to Amy and jake get together after this never will happen, both of them did end will life , this is how husband love wife is life depends on his wife but his wife has different tastes saw better fit man fall for him no remorse or guilt

Ggggrrrrrrrr..........

Wow. Such a powerful story, and heart-wrenching. Thank you!

Brilliant... morbid and maudlin too...but brilliant

This is a powerful and well written story. Even though it almost begs a follow up, none could possibly be done with the intensity of this ending. Thank you.

WOW! Now that's writing--nothing more need to be said. 5 Stars and wishing I could give it 10. cd

It was said when I was a child. “ there more out than in “

LOVE slap-hapy-papy#9

Brilliant story if a little sad. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

5

"I never thought it would end like this, dad. I am so sorry," - How it would end doesn't matter. If it ended with him having a harem of SI swimsuit models, it would STILL have been wrong.

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If Jake an Amy DO end up together, he's gonna know that she's capable of "falling in love" with another.

DAMN!! talk about yanking on the heart strings! First I would admit Will's reaction is a bit over the top, but I've never lost my loving wife to my brother! There are a few stories on LIT of a similar topic where a brother destroys a relationship, but none as severe as this one. Not everyone sees things

like the modern ideology of hit and run quickie flings we see today that are slowly erroding the fabric of our nation. To some of us, Till death do us part means exactly that.