All Comments on 'I'd be Better Off'

Dark but superb.

5/5

There could be a bit more of what happened to the brother and wife. A follow on

You would score a 7/5 or higher.

Helluva first story. Very nicely done. Hope to read more of your stories. 5stars

Well done. Would be even better with a few sentences about what happened between the brother and wife.

What a great first story, well done!

ch 2 please.

aftermath

It's strange, but for once the wife behaves properly, i.e. doesn't cheat, the husband is the worst in this story.

Because yes, as far as I'm concerned, she's not cheating. She falls in love with another man and doesn't consummate their relationship.

You can't force or compel someone to love you.

And you can't force or compel someone to stay in love with you.

Who still believes in eternal love?

You can never promise such a thing!

You can promise on your behavior (fidelity, loyalty...) but never on feelings, things you can't control.

Very good writing! Sad, sad story but well done. Please keep submitting your work.

Good writing but depressing ending

People do tend to forget that love is also supposed to be self-sacrificial ....until someone reminds them of it.

I hate these type of stories... He was young and plenty of time to find someone else. No spouse is worth killing urself over.

There is no way they can stay together after that.

5 stars. Good writing and impels me to comment.

I was never a fan of "Romeo and Juliet" and I still am not.

I don't like deadly violence as a response to betrayal. Including suicide.

This story illustrates (to me) why "pride" is considered the worst sin in Christian theology.

The MC's pride (that his love/romance was so special) led to a very bad outcome. And his last act here wasn't "noble" but merely an effort to hurt both his wife and brother. And I'm also not a fan of sadomasochism as "love".

But like I said 5 stars and keep telling your stories your way. Tastes all vary.

Well that was a very sad but well written story, congratulations on your first submission.

Okay full disclaimer, I do not believe in love at first sight. In my opinion love takes time and work to be genuine. what Amy and Jake had was not love, it was a mixture of lust and infatuation. I'm not convinced that a summer's worth of secret communication is enough to really establish a loving connection between them, more likely the aforementioned lust and infatuation was just being enriched by the thrill of an affair; and yes theirs was an affair, an emotional affair but still very much an affair. That being said, I'm not convinced that the emotion tying Will and Amy together was love either, on his part it was more like obsession. He literally lived for her and couldn't imagine life without her, while that's all very nice in theory in practice it's more like a psychosis. Considering how long they've been together I'd wager it's a psychosis that has been building since they were in school together and cemented on the day they lost their virginities to each other.

When you lost your v-card to someone that you have deep feelings for it leaves a very deep impression on someone, which is why people who lose the emotional connection to that person keep the relationship going well after the feelings have passed. Will seemed like a stable guy, but his obsession with his wife turned him into a very dependent spouse. If you have to beg for your spouse to stay with you and try to make the relationship work again, then you know it really is dead. Even if she had stayed, they both would remain miserable. She'd be there under emotional duress and he'd know that which would cause him to resent both himself and her. Or maybe just himself.

Ideally yes a divorce really was best for Will, however the way Jake and Amy handled it was horrible. He let his brother hit him but threatened to beat the crap out of him if he tried again? She said that she had to chase this thing with Jake and that Will would find someone who deserved him? That's nice candyfloss but ultimately just pouring salt in the wound that the person he thought loved him above anyone else chose someone else, at that point nobody would believe that someone else would love them; and that's a stable person, Will was clearly unhinged.

I did love it that both Jake and Amy realized just how messed up their relationship was when they said it out loud in front of the police. I mean with each other they could soften the truth and spin it however they'd like but in the cold light of day they both had betrayed someone they were supposed to love in one of the worst ways possible. Jake's rebuke from his parents was also satisfying, to be honest I doubt that he'd have much of a relationship with them even if he did get together with Amy.

BTW you made Amy's parents names Jim and Linda? Lmao. February Sucks strikes again.

Will seems like a psychopath

Well written I would rather the brother be convicted of manslaughter and the town shunning him and the stupid wife

Good story. I just wish that I knew how Jake's mind had worked the whole time he was getting closer to her. (Once more a couple had decided that they couldn't have helped themselves, that Will's misery would be their fault - but not really because they hadn't actually had a choice)

Not really my taste but very well done. Anyone who has gone through training will recognize that automatic response. It is there, I can almost hear the trainer yelling "threat threat threat" and Jake's hand moving. Sad outcome but reasonable.

Great story, thank you.

A great read

I haven’t read many stories this good in LW that I have hated so damn much. The only decent character died and the cheating wife and scum bag older brother lived. You really did an excellent job of hinting at the torment both of them will go through for the rest of their miserable lives. I could have read another two or three pages of this one. You set a very high bar with your first LW story.

Oh Please!! How about he mans up and gets on with his life.

stupid bitch deserved to see him die

Solid. Will is a man of honour. Unfortunately betrayed by the wife he trusted dearly..

Heart rendering. 5*****

At last someone shows what really happens when you cheat well done

As melodramatic as a country song. A beautiful example of why 1.) children shouldn’t marry (and Will and Amy were definitely both still children); 2.) you should have other relationships before you settle down to marry (the only way to know what else is out there in order to have some basis for comparison); 3.) out of control idiots shouldn’t carry firearms in public (Jake had already proven himself to be an untrustworthy asshole who couldn’t control his behavior). A perfect storm of immaturity, stupid decisions, combustible emotions and guns. What could possibly go wrong?

Man, that was a great first story. Hope to see more from you!

Well written story. The premise is flawed, in my opinion. Infatuation, interest, or lust might be from first sight but love? Nope, love takes time to develop. It takes a conscience effort to go from attraction to love.

In my previous comment "conscious" not "conscience". My apologies for the error but brother and wife obviously didn't let their consciences play an early role though, did they?

Good first story. Could have been even better with some basic proofreading and editing.

Before any commenters start screaming about how he should have gotten revenge and then walked away. It's sad Will died but, his revenge is complete. Jake and Amy will never be together now. Most likely neither of them will ever be in a happy, committed relationship again in their lives. He couldn't have destroyed them any more completely with any other action.

If this was your first story, I definitely look forward to reading more from you!

This was very emotional, and very well done. One of the best, for sure.

A good first story. Might be worth not using multiple POV, as it jars with some readers. 5* story.

I wonder if people can find Grace in such circumstances? It could make for an interesting follow up; horribly complicated though… Thank you for the story.

Other than a couple typos, I thought this was very well done. 5* from me. Looking forward to your future contributions.

5* well thought out and told story.

I believe there is a missing part to this very sad ending. Don’t you?

Good story,would like to hear how the next couple years played out. 5

His pain was too great to come back from, but the revenge is that now there is no way that the brother and his wife can be together. The grief and guilt will tear them apart, especially since their bullshit love was really just stolen anyways.

Good story. Will was destroyed and left it so there was no way they could be happy. Thanks for sharing.

Just like an American… a selfish marine and his cunt!

Absolutely a 5* story, look forward to your subsequent efforts.

But still a fantasy on a fantasy site because who the hell honours their vows or promises nowadays.

Jake is the guilty one here. He should have known early on that the feelings he was having would lead to he and Amy falling in love. He should have hit the road instead of taking his brothers wife. If there's a sequel, i don't see Jake and Amy's love surviving this. Every one loses.

Self defense? Maybe! But killing someone he had to go to trial! Only a judge could decide the self defense! This wasn't a fight with some boxing! This wasn't anymore the old far west! I know the writer wanted the two cheaters to be in hell in this world, but he was in a hurry to end the story!

Dark but still a great first story.

Selfish people. They actually deserve misery and hell. Someone that takes love seriously would do this. That's why love is the pits. Selfish and " modern" types view love ad a fun and fleeting fancy.like the brother and wife. But love is hard work and deep sacrifices too. The husband understood that. What a waste

Dark

Weak that Will essentially killed himself

Well done

Heartbreaking. But this was more of a Loving Wives story than any buster2u or cuck piece could ever hope to be. 5⭐️

Very well done.very talented story teller

Yes 5

I hope the brother and wife don't get a happy ending together or a part. Maybe Amy could be reunited with Will in heaven as she seems to imply.

Tragic ending.

Well written.

Good flow.

But I can't say I liked it.

soooo SAD but sooooo WELL CRAFTED. thank you. you will probably get roasted by some, but let it be "water off a ducks back." ONLY pay attention to those that give you good ADVICE on how to improve. GREAT 1st submission

Emotional piece, riddled with dark ages beliefs. Slaves have more freedom than your characters. I sure hope you can turn your writing to a far better subject matter.

Yes, you CAN "control feelings." If you feel strongly attracted to (or lust after) someone other than your spouse, WALK AWAY. That's not "love," it's sexual infatuation. I've had it happen once, when I worked with someone who I was very attracted to, and we kept talking about things NOT work related. She was smart, had my sense of humor, and was pretty hot. And then I realized the slippery slope we were on as we were both married and not to each other.

There is attraction, and in the extreme infatuation, which can hot you immediately. But how can you "love" someone you don't even know? So the solution in this situation is simple: Do NOT spend time with them. Avoid them. If you work with them, as I did, FIND ANOTHER JOB, as I did. It was not "easy," but it was quite simple. A little willpower to avoid being with them when not absolutely necessary is ALL it taks.

Keeping your wedding vows is not complicated unless you are a selfish, worthless piece of shit. Respecting your brother's marriage is not complicated unless you are a selfish, worthless piece of shit. Which some people are.

So Jake killed his brother for a piece of ass. I hope Jake AND Amy rot in hell. Write THAT for Chapter 2.

While a little over the top it's still an excellent first story. I would disagree with a previous comment that the wife behaves properly. I believe we have to actively choose everyday to love our spouse. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows you can still find yourself attracted to others. The grass is always going to appear greener, etc. However, I think you have to make a choice to act on those thoughts and attractions. If you've committed yourself to a monogamous marriage you make a choice to love your spouse or an opposite choice to act on outside attractions. The wife failed.

Good choice of country songs.

Wow. That was awesome.

A powerful story packed with emotion. Probably the best of its type on any site.

Interesting, but if you were trying for a sympathetic protagonist… nah. Will came off as more than a little psychotic.

No way Jake would have gotten off without at least being charged with manslaughter in my opinion.

Our MC was a very strange guy. D

I am not a fan of suicide and that is what this was but awesome as to how he leaves these two felling that any relationship they have has been started by his death at the hands of his brother and because of her. Guilt forever.

"WHY!" he shouted at me in a hoarse whisper. "I didn't like you career choice but I believed you to be an honorable man. Why did you destroy your brother's marriage? Where was your honor and fidelity? Will put you in a terrible position but he only did it after you put his back against a wall. Why son?" — This rant by Will and Jake’s Dad was, for me, very powerful as it exposed the lazy logic seen in so many of these stories that people “just can’t help” doing wrong. The instant that Jake felt attraction to Amy he should have backed off. Instead he encouraged it. Of course Amy was equally at fault.

.

Will essentially committing suicide was sad and tragic. But by doing it in the manner he did he consigned both Will and Amy to a lifetime of regret and anguish. Jake not only killed his brother, he killed his relationship with his parents. Meanwhile, Amy gets to live out her life knowing that she provoked the entire tragedy with her own selfish actions. That life might not be very long, as the story implied that Amy by promising to join Will “soon” might also commit suicide. By his actions, Will completely burned both the Bitch and the Bastard.

.

Really good first submission! Sad, but well done.

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4 ****

franceman:

She absolutely was cheating. Love is a choice and an action. She chose to open her heart to another man. Her legs would eventually open for him also.

ZK

There is no love at first sight. It has to be nurtured. Amy should never have started with Jake, that was cheating right there. If Jake was an honorable man, he would have left his brothers wife alone. Good story

Well written but the story line was terrible. You have to be a little sick to write this one

I generally do not like stories where someone is killed particularly by suicide. BUT this one was good. I admit I skimmed over some (most) of the sex scenes. They actually detracted from the story of a man's anguish. Anguish made worse by it being his own brother his wife was leaving him. 4 stars.

Gamblnluck

Kelcha, , that is perhaps the stupidest thing I have read this year. Great job!

Sad story, but good story. Telegraphed as soon as Bro came into the story.

Firstly, the writing was good. Well constructed and written. The story itself, was crap. Will was simply an immature COWARD who lived in some Disney fantasyland. Doing the "Death by AP" (Instead of Death by Cop). Everything the childish couple did... getting married before they were financially independent, at age 19 or 20... was the most ridiculous thing ever. No life experience, not able to support themselves and attend College/University as well. It just meant they were "Playing at being adults".

If Will did have some degree of backbone and self respect, then he would have shot and killed his brother first, then ended himself, if it was going to get to that level of madness. All that crap about loving both his wife and his brother so much that he couldn't do anything to them, is just garbage. Then taking the cowards way out, being a heroic mytar... is just the stuff of fairy tales.

Outstanding first effort. Easy 5

Concur with most that the narrative was well constructed and the story flowed smoothly. I think the initial interaction between Amy and Jake was overplayed a bit, but the rest of the plot development was brilliant. Killing himself by his brother's hand would do exactly what he intended, devastating both for the rest of their lives. You even hint that Amy will follow him shortly. I may hate how it turned out, but it makes sense, is believable, and could happen tomorrow in the daily news. 5*

WOW!! I read a lot of the comments and not sure if some of the commenters and I read the same story.

I hate the fact that Jake was a Marine. In the Corps, you are taught about honor and keeping the faith. Semper Fidelis. For this story, Jake was a piece of shit. No getting around it. Doesn't matter what he thought of Amy, he had a duty to his brother and to steal from him was unforgivable. Regardless of Amy's infatuation, he was 8 years older, more mature, and should have acted that way and done the honorable thing, told Will what was going on after the first contact Amy had with him and walked away.

For those saying that they don't approve of suicide/killing, get over it. Will's world had been destroyed, he was in extreme pain, his quality of life was non-existent. We already knew that he was crawling into a bottle and would have probably just drank himself to death while Jake and Amy go on with their narcissistic life without a care in the world. The scenario presented was the best BTB scenario I have seen in a long time. Will forced a situation that granted Jake and Amy a Pyrrich victory. How could Amy continue life with a man who had just killed his brother in front of her? How can she ever get those images out of her head? Jake got the worst of it because in addition to destroying his brother emotionally, he had now ended his life. How could he not look at Amy every day without witnessing and reliving the death of his brother. Will masterfully poisoned that relationship. As to Jake's relationship with his parents, that is over. Not only were they aware and unforgiving for breaking up his relationship but now Will's death is on his hands. His relationship with his family is now non-existent.

For a first story, this is done extremely well. Please send MORE!!

One hell of a first go. The best I've read in awhile.

good job very well done

Well done.

I hope you gift us with more stories.⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A sad tale to be sure, but so very well written. Yes, suicide is ugly but having your own brother conspiring with your wife to destroy your life could easily bring on such a level of despair. This was an emotionally charged story that some readers may find too intense. I think it shows real talent! Bring more!

Will did it. He destroyed his brother and ex wife. Well written and incredibly intense. I liked it, but it hurt. Poetic justice for his wife and brother, they will never have a relationship now.

This assisted suicide with his brother pulling the trigger was really the only way left for the poor man. I suspect his wife might follow his example but, who knows? So much pain in a short story. Well written.

Excellent sad sad story. True love.

Thats gen Z twitter generation for ya, attention span of a flys fart

Excellent story!!!! Very well written! 5 stars from here!

Great story. It is very unlikely that Amy will commit suicide. For those of you who believe suicide is only the act of a coward, you could not be further from the truth. When faced with an unwinnable situation while being in a unstable state of mind a person depressed will contemplate the unthinkable. Japanese airmen in WWII, suicide bombers in the present day. These acts may not be acts of courage but they take a great deal of commitment to achieve. Of all the characters in this story Will was not a coward. Jake and Amy most certainly were. You can't choose who you are attracted to but you can choose how you will deal with it. Jake and Amy took the coward's way. Amy being a coward will never have the strength of will to commit as Will has committed so she will not suicide. As for Jake so much for being a Marine. And so much for his new job once his employer finds out about his roll in all this. Always True is not just a concept it is a bond and a way of life and Jake is a coward and not much of a Marine.

So they live happily ever after? Just kidding. Well written, but very sad. I can say the MC is a planner their relationship is doomed they will both carry this weight forever.

I usually hate it when the husband commits suicide after the wife leaves him.

No woman is worth ending your life over.

However, this was darkly entertaining with the absolute devastation his death inflicted on the wife and brother. Will shattered both their lives, and they'll never recover from the guilt, let alone live happily ever after together.

And they both fully deserved all the misery he piled on them.

A man betraying a brother by seducing his wife is the worst piece of shit imaginable. Amy was no better for eagerly encouraging Jake.

They didn't just fall in love at first sight. They spent weeks having an emotional affair, constantly making the choice to stab Will in the back. What a pair of assholes.

Great first story!

Unfinished , the asshole should've shot himself too then the bitch should get hit by a truck.

Nicely done. It smacked of ennui and sappy emotion, but hey, you set the tone right up front with some very good country cliché music! Anyone who complains could've walked away at any time. I liked the variation on the theme of "suicide by cop" to "suicide by fratricide." Talk about the ultimate act of peevish selfishness. He ruined not only Amy's and Jake's lives but also those of his parents and in-laws. Yes, suicide is an incredibly selfish act that some attempt to justify and romanticize. I think you strike a decent balance, though it feels like the tone of your story is justifiable revenge, but the craven nature of what MC did is still unforgiveable. I give you five stars because you definitely did what you set out to do. You need someone to beta-read and correct and proofread for you. Also, when addressing parents or using mom and dad in place of their names, that needs to be capitalized. Part of polishing your work and skills. Thank you for breaking the recent, unending stream of poorly written, cuck-fetish stories that are all exactly the same bloody, idiotic tale. Yes, OP...a solid first effort.

Well.............damn. I think it might be appropriate to know that June is men's mental health month. Men are much more likely to die by suicide and I think this scenario can certainly be classified as suicide. I cannot imagine what the scenario might be for the brother and the former wife's mental state moving forward. Definitely no winners in this outcome.

You write well, though as others have noted, you could use a proofreader. You might warn readers at the beginning that the story might be upsetting to some. I think/hope I would have passed on this one if you had. I know scenarios like this do occur, but I have enough sadness in my life that I prefer not to read stories in which they do.

EPIC! Write more! 5*

Maybe something lighter tho...

KEEP WRITING!!

This is your first story? You sir are a terrific story teller. Don't stop! You have a lot to offer.

I am already working on the sequel. I will be amy's story

Too much back story. Almost the entire first page is how they met, dated, got married, had no bearing on what's happening now.

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"She had trimmed my pubic hair into a landing strip." - "MY pubic hair?" LOL.

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Needed more. Amy implied a suicide attempt. Did she? I assume she didn't marry Jake?

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@franceman, I disagree. Yes, kudos to her for not cheating, but you don't get "do-overs" in that situation. Divorce him? I suppose, but go with his brother? Blow up the family? No way.

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@BuzzCzar, dead on! It's like the stories where the wife "just fell in love" with her new guy. That's not how love works: First, there's an attraction that you CHOOSE to act on. Jake and Amy should have distanced themselves from each other, to make sure that they DIDN'T fall in love. If necessary, Jake could have left town, it wasn't as if he had any great attachment there.

I would have shot both of them as they entered the apartment, l might be going to prison but would both be going to the graveyard.

Follow up please.

Thanks for sharing...l

And? I suppose that’s a question I’m to answer..3*

Ooh. Bitter but well written.