tagHumor & SatireIf Only I Knew

If Only I Knew


"If only I knew you were going to come tonight, sir," she murmured, looking up at his weather beaten face as he entered the hotel bar, "I would have invited you to buy me a meal and tell me your sorrows."

"I remember your hunger well," he smiled to see her once more. "Do you remember my thirst as well?"


"Then, there is hope in this world, you tease," he laughed. "I remember you were amazing."

"Thank you for the compliment."

"Could you indulge my thirst again?"

"Would it change anything?" She smiled quizzically, pressing the key to her hotel room into her purse, denying him something without ever saying no.

"Very funny," he frowned. "It would brighten up my life for a hour or so."

"You can last a whole hour drinking in the forest of our dreams?"

"A series of dreams could help us understand all the riddles and all the particular secrets," he promised, reaching out to touch her hand. "A glass of white wine would be a good start perhaps?"

"Would you have to climb a particular vine for that?" She wondered out loud.

"No," he said dryly. "I believe they have bottles of the stuff here, but if you have a desire to climb a particular tree, there is a fine beech in the hotel yard."

"I know, I can see it from my room, when I look out in the morning."

"Could I see it too, then?"

"A glass of wine and I am yours for the night? You must think me very inexpensive sir?"

"It was just a whim," he said, turning away and walking across to the bar. He pulled his wallet from the lining of his jacket and waved several notes to attract the attention of the bar steward.

"Sometimes the whim takes me and sometimes I take the whim," she said pensively, looking away from the bar and back through the window to the beech. She took out her room key and turned it over and over, flipping it in the palm of her hand as if tossing a coin.

"We are twin souls you know," he smiled on his return, depositing two large glassed and a packet of nuts.

"Nuts too, sir. Oh my! Let's go to bed at once!"

"I knew you could be bought."

"I've been known to climb a tree for nothing, I'll have you know, sir."

"I've been known to climb a tree and ask for it to be cut down."

"Do you enjoy the sensation of falling?"

"I was just trying to capture a moment."

"All moments are evanescent, alas," she sighed and sipped her wine.

"Very true - like droplets of water hanging from a leaking tap."

"The last passengers on the plughole ferry."


She furrowed her brow and looked across at him seriously, furrowing her brow: "Tell me, sir?"


"Do all the droplets get window seats?"

"All the way down through translucent heaven."

"And back into the drift of the next hurricane."

"But, what a ride. Such possibilities!"

"One always has to consider the possibilities, but sometimes one has to realise the limits of imagination."

"You have a point there," he conceded drinking down a deep draft of the golden wine. "When hurtling down from a tree, it is easy to doubt one's purpose."

"Depends on the landing, I suppose, sir."

"True... the landing is the end of the moment."

She said nothing, but just stared down at her glass, waiting for him to continue.

"Problems of landing are often not reflected in the eye of the beholder," he warmed to his simile. "There again it depends how close the beholder is and what he/she is concentrating on at the precise moment of impact."

Again she said nothing.

"Am I boring you, dear lady?"

"No you aren't. I like drifting with you - it's comfortable, a nice ride - you don't have absurd expectations."

"Thanks - I remember from last time... you're almost too damn intelligent!"

"I have a degree, sir. That does take a modicum of intelligence."

"I do not doubt it."

"And a touch of juvenile silliness."

"I wouldn't trust you, if you didn't."

"I like pranks, sir."

"I can tell."

"And can be very horrid, which makes me a bitch, I suppose."

"I like the way you mistreat those deserving of scorn. I wonder why?"

"Role reversal?"

"You could be right."

"You do know such things go to a girl's head, don't you sir?" she lisped prettily

"Methinks you take advantage of a gentleman's good manners."

"I do believe that you too like to be teased, sir."

"Very much so... I like to be shown the chase, provided the scent is fresh. I love a fresh trail and the promises of what could be warmed up and consumed."

"I only hope I can be of assistance," she murmured gazing over his shoulder through a window at a large beech tree in the park behind him. " Tell me, sir. If I were a tree what sort of a tree would I be?"

"I see you more as a little shrub on the horizon."


"I will not have to climb you, but will find my moment in your thickets."

"Do you have any thoughts on how you might fill them, sir?"

"Of course... but, they are dark and dangerous."


"Well... Grey and possibly a little troublesome," he compromised. "Do tell," she smiled, sitting down, crossing her legs and waiting for her before bedtime story.

"Oh dear. An audience... what to do?"

"The floor is yours, sir."

"I change. I have many moods. Once upon a time I wanted to dominate and force and make and control. Another once upon a time I wanted to be the victim of a black clad banshee."

"The girl of your dreams?"

"I would be so pleased if you turned out to be both."

"I'm not a great predator, sir, in all honesty."

"That I accept. It is not something I will hold against you."

"What will you hold against me, sir?"

"I will hold much against you, if you will lead me to your chambers, madam, now that our glasses are empty."

"Would you not be lost in my space, sir?" she teased, touching him lightly on the thigh as she stood up and made to walk towards the door.

"I do hope you would offer me somewhere closer," he hinted, pressing his hand to her lower back, almost possessively, but lightly enough for her to say no, if she chose.

"You can sleep in my closet if you insist, sir, and that may be too good for you if you insult me with jibes about the looseness you imagine in me."

"I meant no offence, madam, but tell me, were I to opt for that foolishly, what would await me?"

"Something approximating a deranged 'Narnia'," she giggled, pressing the key into the lock and twisting it back and forth, "knowing the mess of belongings that I have hoarded there."

"Perfect!" he laughed

"You can be Tumnus, the tumescent faun if you like."

"Well, when I walked into this hotel I never expected to become a faun."

"I do love hairy legs, Mr T."

"I do hope that I cannot repay that particular compliment?"

"And your phosphorescent wine. I shave my legsies, sir," she smiled, slipping down onto the bed and sliding her jeans off.

"Good girl. Smoothness is a virtue."

"Do you think lady hobbits shave their toes?" she enquired, wriggling her own and reaching down to pull her legs up and sit up on the bed in full lotus position, while stripping off her blouse. He admired the nearly nude woman before him.

"That," he sighed, "is another image I'll have trouble forgetting."

"My near nakedness or the shaven toes?"

"Your near nakedness was expected, so it must be the toes."

"For that arrogance sir, you can join the male hobbits queuing up at Granfer Gangee's for footsies weekly - the hobbits' 'zoo' magazine."

"Stop," he laughed and coughed, feeling his side hurt. "You're damaging my psyche."

"Forgive me, sir."

"Can I?" He frowned.

"Only if you spank me first."

"Spank you?" He leered. "Well, you'll have to assume the position for that."

"I never assume, sir," she responded pertly. "Others do it, sooooo much better than me."

"Then simply position yourself."

"As you wish sir. Would you like the woman's weekly in my bag?"

"I was hoping for a Vanity Fair."

"That's quite a volume. Thackeray will turn in his grave at your abuse of my bottom with his efforts."

"You know, you're quite a girl."

"Is that good, sir?" She looked up at him, her eyelids flickering demurely.

"Good," he laughed. "Why, you're very good. I actually meant the throwaway magazine."

"I never throw away magazines. I am a hoarder, sir. Hence the state of my closet."

"Then you will have lots of different ones to choose from eventually."

"And you can get all your jollies from the problem page of my collected cosmopolitans then?"

"Not my cup of tea."

"And I thought you just came up with me for sex. You want tea as well - my you ARE the demanding one!"

"Very funny."

"Forgive my impish humours, sir."

"I enjoy them."

"That's as well, but it is getting late and I do have to shave my toes for those hobbit boys in the morning, don't you know?"

"You are a...a slave to their desires," he laughed helplessly.

"Of course, would you have me any other way?"

"I almost wish I was more hobbit like now."

She walked up to stand beside him, brushing herself against him and leaning up to whisper in his ear: "They have tiny willies sir - so don't be too envious."

He laughed once more.

"I haven't been the same since Tree beard fucked me."

"Well, you wouldn't be. I think I was up there when it happened"

"You may have loved his branches. I adored his root." "Very good," he chuckled and slipped his hand over her pantied bottom," but we should be in bed."

"Yes, we should sir. We could be binding in the darkness, making sense of the nonsensical together or fucking deliciously till dawn, which might be the same thing."

"I think it is."

"Then consider it well, sir, when you indulge your root."

"My root is showing signs of growth," he smiled, pressing her hand to his crotch.

"It quite puts the Ents to shame, sir."

"I am quite willing to try."

"Will you run naked through Fangorn for me," she giggled, slipping her pale blue panties off and running her fingers through her lightly furred mound.

"I would be behind the fingers but in front of Orcs for the shade of that forest, my dear."

"That is good, it could be awkward, if you had to stand in line."

"I should orchestrate something more interesting you mean?"

"No sir," she said in a tone of mock desperation, kneeling on the flowery bedspread, and sticking her naked rear up at him. "I meant take me in a field of orchids..."

"I will not hesitate in taking you and pulling you over my lap," he grinned lasciviously, suiting his actions to his words, "and...

"...In watching me fall asleep, sir?" She smiled unhooking her brassiere and reaching up to slip on a short and rather revealing cotton nightdress.

"You're evil, my darling, and I love it."

"Can heaven wait then?" she asked, looking up at him as she returned to her prone position, pulling her nightdress down over her pertness.

"It can wait until I size up the target and apply myself."

"That's what they said at Helm's Deep sir."

"I'm sure your depths are more worth plundering, my dear. Now prepare yourself for the assault."

She wiggled briefly and then stilled her body as his right arm rested on her lower back. There followed a trenchant pause before a light smack was succeeded by a slight quiver on her part. A further pause ensued as he enjoyed the reaction to the full and smacked harder right on the pink centre.

"Oooooh, that was rather effective, sir."

"Good," he pulled his hand back and brought in down hard. "And...this... "Ouchie! That stung!"

"...Will be better."

Seeing the redness, he proceeded with vigour, slapping once! Twice! And a third time for good measure. She wriggled on his lap, letting a perverse enjoyment afflict her whole body. "My, you are quite the bull in the orchid field, sir."

"You, dear lady, need the forceful nature of a bull."

"Yes sir, Mr Minotaur, sir."

He pushed her legs apart and spanked her between the buttocks making her wince.

"Now that, sir, is not cricket."

"This is a new sport, with rules I make up as we progress," he advised, wrapping his right arm around her lower back to still her movements. "Now you must allow me to spank you where I feel you need to be spanked."

"You seem to be enjoying having the only pencil in the room, sir," she giggled pressing down on his lap with her belly." And, gosh, all that lead in it?"

"Then perhaps you should remove yourself from my lap and take up a position where you can sharpen it for me?"

"Drain your balls, sir?"

"You must. I feel that most particular need."

"Will I appreciate the full length, sir?"

"I do not think you will be able to measure it with such a small mouth."

"So it is merely the thick knob that will press at my lips when I kneel before you?"

"Cup my balls as you tease it, darling."

"But they are sooooo warm, sir!" She sucked in her breath and looked up at him in surprise.

"Their warmth is the surprise."

"Do they ache, sir?"

"With such force - relieve them of their want."

"I had better gently tug down your trousers to compensate then, sir."

"You should."

"And your boxers will reveal your straining erection to my wide brown eyes."

"The jolt of such a gaze is pleasing."

"Shall I prop myself up on my elbows, so that lovely penis is centimetres from my eager young mouth, sir?"

"Yes and make sure your legs angled so I can see your black suede thigh high boots with six inch heels."

"Focus on my warm breath sir, not my closet," she smiled knowingly, letting her tongue flick out hesitantly at first and then paused momentarily to thank him for the new thigh high boots with the six-inch heels.

"Buying them was a gift to me, from me," he smiled and then jerked forward as she licked the sensitive underside before sealing her lips around the spongy head and sucking him earnestly. Her tongue was slick with the heady mix of his excitement and her saliva. His hands scrabbled on her tousled brown hair, watching her head bob sweetly as she coaxed his seed. How could he help but enjoy the sight of those glistening lips into which his shunting member disappeared and reappeared.

"So slick," he murmured and sighed disappointedly as she pulled her mouth away.

"Slick with the memory of all those hobbits she had blown before at the prancing pony." "Why does THAT turn me on?"

"You need to ask your medical practitioner about that, sir. My mouth will soon be too full of your massive manoeuvring male member to answer you."

"Carry on then, less alliteration more suction, please."

Obediently, she bent to resume her task, clamping down on his sex, sucking and milking him through tight yet quivering lips.

"And I will lift your breasts so feel the softness as you move backwards and forwards until I desire you to release me and spring down to those soft gourds that I wish to tit fuck this instant."

"This instant?"

"Most certainly."

"Your certainty is clouding my better judgement, sir."

"Then you must act upon it. You must fulfil my need."

"Must I squeeze my breasts around your impudent member, sir?"

"Oh yes."

"And stick my tongue out so that you may arc your member up into the awaiting oval of my lips?"

"And ask me to invade your every opening of course."

"You want my cunt and my bottom, sir?"

"You are a perfect slut."

"Now you know why the pony prances, sir," she giggled

"Well let my creature canter over your tits."

"You start calling your penis a creature and I warn you I'll christen it precious, sir."

"It surely is already precious to you."

"Ooooooooh," she murmured in a trembling, breathy voice. "Of course it is, sir."

"What would happen if one of those dirty little hobbits you sucked dry found us like this?"

"He might have a heart attack through penis envy, sir."

"A perfect answer," he smiled patting her head.

"Expect no less from a perfect slut," she smiled back, pursing her lips and gazing up at him with inviting eyes.

"...Though I would enjoy the sight of an elfish princess fingering your cunt as you titillated my cock."

"You'll have the rangers after you, sir."

"I would take that risk."

"Riskall, son of Kissball?

"T'is me.

"And as fine a fuck as your father, sir, if I may say so."

"My father told me you were a wonderful human being."

"I like to please the select clique of human beings I meet in this hotel, sir."

"I'm honoured to have found this."

"And all the horny hobbitses too, of course."

"Of course."

"Gets me used to having something up my butt."

"How do you mean?"

"Hobbits like to linger in their holes, sir."

"They do?"

"More ridged than the best dildo Mordor can manufacture."

"Your dirtiness excites me."

"That's what the Dark Lord said to me. Gave me the eye he did sir."

"You must have hobbit cum still dripping from your arse."

"His very words, sir, in his lewd squat like pose...or was that Gollum - so many fantasies sir - it gets a poor girl all confused."

"You'd let that slimy dick have you?"

"No we had a foursome - Frodo and I - Shelob and Gollum. Never seen a spider squeal like a stuck pig before."

"The details of which would horrify me I'm sure."

"It's all on the web sir," she grinned.

"You are naughty," he laughed, slapped her bottom affectionately and reached down to kiss her.

"But you like me after a fashion?"

"I'm in love to be honest and silly."

"Then I can do nothing but await your depredations as you burnish my backside with every color of the sunset before sunrise, sir, just to remind me that a night changes nothing?"

"I've always wanted to fuck Minnie mouse."

"I don't do Walt Disney, sir."

"I don't blame you."

"Give me Daffy Duck any day."

"I can't do the accent."

"So what is your desire then, sir?" She yawned and closed her eyes

"My desire to be what I want to be."

"Namely, sir?" she murmured sleepily as he reached over to switch off the light.

He sighed and she heard him snuggling down behind her and murmuring quietly in her ear: "After tonight's diversions... if only I knew..."

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