If You Don't Tell Ch. 02

I was more than happy to answer what seemed like the perfect question for me. "In my experience, it doesn't matter what age he is. There are older men out there who climax as quick as or even quicker than virgins. It's the man, not his age that determines whether or not he's great at making love."

"Great advice, Simone! I couldn't have said it better myself." Dana said with a congratulatory smile and for a brief moment, it felt good to be me.

As people went around the room reading off and answering questions, I tried to pick out which one was Lae's, but with so many original questions it was almost like trying to catch a certain raindrop in a thunderstorm. Still feeling the aftereffects of the compliment I received, I gave up and just listened for my relationship question.

It was just my luck, or lack thereof that my second question was not only the last one to be read, but asked by the Raven herself. I silently cursed my misfortune and listened as she read it aloud to the other ladies in the room. "My husband is cheating on me and I don't know what to do. I love him, but I'm not sure if we can make it work. Should I just leave or am I wrong for trying?"

Dana stood up from her chair and walked over to the Raven. "If you don't mind Teniyah, I'd like to take this one." The Raven nodded and Dana walked into the middle of the circle, began looking around the room and finally settled her gaze on me. "No, you are not wrong for trying." She looked away from me continued perusing around the room. "Through my studies I've learned that infidelity is a symptom of a bigger problem. Too many times we go into marriage thinking that our mate will make us happy, they'll complete us. It doesn't work that way. If there is turmoil or there are problems before you're married, that chaos will only grow when you add another person and their internal unrest. The emptiness or void you both feel will only grow because your partner cannot fill those for you, you must learn how fill them for yourself."

She walked over to her chair and sat down before continuing. "You may say, 'How do I fill my void? How do I complete myself?' Well society tells you that in order to be happy, you need to have a good looking husband, a nice house, an expensive car, a great job and mind blowing sex. Some even go so far as to tell you to take this pill, this anti-depressant to be happy but these are all external factors and their novelty will wear thin very quickly. As long as you believe that something out there, something external will make you happy, you'll always continue to be unhappy internally. When people come to the realization that nothing they buy makes them happy or the sex isn't as good as it used to be, they look for that other person who may be sexier, more attentive, better in bed, less demanding, or more humorous to be around in order to fill the emptiness, but that too will be a temporary fix which will eventually turn into an addiction. They will constantly look for someone new to fill that thing that they are always missing. Whether it be approval, acceptance, attention, or sex, they will always find it in the arms of the next person while they run from themselves. In a cheating person's mindset, they honestly believe that because they still fill incomplete, it's attributed it to being their partner's fault, so they continually look for another person to fill that space. It is a never-ending cycle.

In order to be happy, to be truly content, you yourself have to conquer your inner demons and together learn how to be emotionally responsible for your own well-being. Is it his fault for straying, yes it is. But rather than moving onto the next person, try finding out what it is about you that needs to be worked upon and invite him to do the same. If he is unwilling or uncooperative, you may have to part ways. You both may need counseling, but in the end, you both will walk away emotionally stable and more fulfilled for it." She looked around the room once more and again ended up focusing her stare on me. "Okay? Well I hope that question has been answered satisfactorily. Now I am going to confer with the ladies taking notes while you all can finish mingling."

As soon as she stood up, everyone else followed her lead and within seconds, the library was filled with small talk and chit-chat.

"So did she answer your question to your liking?" Laela mused and poked me in my side.

"What makes you think it was my question?" I asked.

She frowned. "Do I look like I have dummy written on my forehead?"

"I'm not going to answer that, but she did give me some insight. Why, which question was yours?"

"I asked about anal sex. Not that I've done it, but I hear it's pretty painful. Some women I know love it and some others scare me with the details. Since we were getting rid of the stigmas, I thought it would be the best time to ask."

"Looking for a little dookie lovin? You are a strange one."

She raised her eyebrow towards me. "So are you saying that you would never try it?"

"Never. My ass is for exiting traffic only." Mike had tried to coerce me into it several times, but I really wasn't into sodomy, which was the term I'd always heard it called in church. The more I thought about anal sex, the more I thought about Mike and how I hadn't told him where I was. "Well Lae, I had fun and would love to stay, but I have to get my son home." I walked down the steps and to the room where I had laid him when we first walked in. He had remained unmoved through the whole ordeal and rested peacefully on the white sofa. "I guess my little man was very tired."

"Okay, let me tell Niya we're leaving."

I watched her walk over to the Raven, who was talking with Chantel, and tell her that we were leaving. The Raven looked upset, but smiled anyway and waved at me as I walked to grab my son. I smiled as well, gave her a faux wave in return and all the while mumbled obscenities under my breath.

With MJ in my arms, I met Laela at the entrance to the library and together we walked down the same hallway we'd entered when we first came in.

"So what did you think about the forum?" She asked me as we came upon the same large oak doors that we had entered only a little more than an hour ago.

"I learned that there are way too many people who do way too many statistics. But I did think that Dana said something that really hit home, about the cheating that is. You know that thing about filling a gap?"

"Yeah, I remember. That was some interesting psycho-babble. Not saying that it isn't entirely true, but sometimes people do it just because. I think that curiosity about what's out there plays a big role in it too."

"Well then Dr. Booker, how come you didn't say anything back there? Are you speaking from experience?" I asked, curious to know.

"As a matter of fact, I am speaking from experience, yours."

"That's a low blow. Let's not forget that you went there too. I do remember you kissing someone else that wasn't your man. So let's hear your philosophy about curiosity."

"Well, I don't know. I'm just flapping my jaws. After all she is the one going after her Doctorate and how can I compete when it's just me and my lowly BSN?"

"Lae, you're so damn predictable. You talk a good game, but you're always too afraid to speak up, wondering what others will think about you."

By the time I finished chastising Lae; Jeremy had already opened the monumental doors and was waiting for us to step outside. "Silver Accord?" He asked.

Lae nodded and a half a minute later her Honda came roaring around the house and screeched to a halt in front of us. Jeremy's friend jumped out of the driver's seat, leaving the door ajar and then opened the rear door for me so that I could put MJ in his car seat.

After we were all settled, we waved bye to Jeremy and his friend as we sped around the driveway to the open gate. No sooner than the gate opened, we sped off, leaving the castle on the lake in the rearview mirror.

"So what are you going to tell Mike when you get home?"

"I don't know. Dana or Dr. McGuiness made some sense back there. If I'm going to make this or perhaps my next relationship work, I'm going to have to really work on myself."

"Yeah, I hear you. A couple of things have happened to me in the last few weeks that have really reshaped my attitude and I need to get back to being focused."

"Like what?"

"Just some things, nothing too important. You know, like my attitude towards my co-workers and what not; things like that."

I had no idea what she was talking about, but after such a blunt response I knew in some part it had to be about kissing Janette. We rode all the way back to her house laughing at some of the things said at the forum, namely Sashe and her wild ass.

When we made it back to her apartment complex, I immediately took MJ and his car seat out the back of Lae's car and returned them both to my own. Lae helped by bringing his baby bag and following me to make sure that I was okay.

"Hey Simone, one thing before you go."

"Shoot." I answered while buckling myself into my front seat.

"If you and Mike don't make it, you can stay here for a little bit while you get back on your feet. I know how your aunt can be and I don't want you staying there."

"I'll be okay." She leaned over and we hugged. "If anyone is going to leave the house, it's Mike."

She let go while I revved up the car and slowly drove backwards out of the parking spot. As she began walking towards her apartment, she turned around and waved, I honked back and began my trek home. As I pulled out of the complex and onto Highway 6, what Sashe had said brought a smile to my face. As much as I disliked her choice of clothing, she had provided some sound advice for my dilemma. If it's good for everyone else, why wasn't it good for me?

*************

I pulled into the driveway behind Mike's Maxima and dragged my tired body up the front stairs to our apartment. When I opened the door, Mike was sitting in his underwear on the couch, snacking on a bowl of potato chips.

"Where the hell you been? I called you cell and it kept going to voice mail. What the fuck was that all about?"

"I was at a women's forum and I cut my cell off so I wouldn't interrupt the speaker."

"I was at the church and they ain't say nothing about no women's forum. Why the fuck you lying, Monie?"

"I am not going through this with you Michael. I was with Lae and Teniyah. They invited me if you must know. Is that better? Would you like me to call them so that you can verify or would you just like to stick a tracker in my ass for next time?" All the arguing had awaken MJ who began crying. "Here, hold your son. You haven't seen him all day and he needs to spend some time with his daddy."

I began to walk towards the bathroom when Mike grabbed my arm. "Where you going?"

"To the bathroom if that's okay with you!" I snatched my wrist from his grasp and began walking.

"When you come back, be naked for me. It's been a long day."

"Then jack off asshole." I mumbled under my breath, but as soon as I got into the bathroom, I heard Mike walking towards the bedroom. I knew he was in their taking off the only piece of clothing he had on when I walked in.

The thought of having sex with Mike, after having to spend half of my day with the Raven, turned my stomach. I stayed in the bathroom as long as I could before he came knocking at the door.

"What?" I hollered.

"Hurry up!" He shouted back.

"While you're by the door, would you like to hear about what happened at the forum? It was pretty interesting and provided some insight--"

"No I don't! Just hurry the fuck up!"

My blood began to boil. I rose up from the toilet, washed my hands, and went into the bedroom. When I opened the bedroom door, Mike was sprawled across the bed, completely naked, while MJ lay next to him and looked curiously at me "Fuck you, Mike. I ain't giving you shit."

"What? You ain't givin me what? You know what, I don't even know why I fuckin bother, it's not like anyone else wants you."

That statement was like a punch to my stomach and I began to cry. "You ain't shit, nigga." I countered. "Never have been and never will be."

"I ain't shit?" He asked. "Well that's good to know because there's a place that I can go where people might feel differently."

He began throwing on his clothes as I cried in the doorway of our bedroom. He rushed past me, trying to pull his jeans up at the same time he was putting his shirt on and after he grabbed his shoes by the door, the front door slammed and I heard my car pulling out of the driveway.

With the entire ruckus that Mike had caused, MJ began crying again. I grabbed him off the bed and made him a bottle to help calm his nerves. After he'd finally gone back to sleep, I went to the bathroom, grabbed a couple of aspirin and poured four happy pills I'd picked up a couple of days earlier. Without any water to help with the peristalsis, I shoved them all down my throat to combat the migraine that raged through my head.

As the pills slowly moved toward my stomach all I could think of were two things: how much I hated Mike and as the pounding became almost too unbearable to manage I thought of Sashe's credo, "To be honest, I'd tell you-- to fuck that nigga! Fuck him hard and fuck him fast!"

That was exactly what Michael Hall was going to get.

************* February 14th

Simone

9:00 am

"I'm late! Dammit!"

I awoke to find the LCD display on my alarm clock blinking 12:00; no doubt from a power outage that had occurred last night.

With every curse word I could imagine pouring out of my mouth, I parted the curtain in my bedroom to see exactly where the sun was before I began looking for my watch. I wasn't any good at reading a sun dial, but as high up in the sky as the sun was, I knew I was late.

I began calling out for Michael, making sure that he hadn't fallen asleep on the couch like he usually did when we had arguments, but I couldn't find him. I even began to think that he might have left for work without me, but that's when it all dawned on me that he hadn't come home in the last two days.

"Fuck him then. He can stay gone for all I care." I was hurt and upset that he had chose to run rather than to work it out, but I didn't have time to sit around and mope. I had to get to work.

I ran to MJ's room and found him still sleeping. I hated to irritate him, but I needed to change his diaper, clothe him, and get to work as soon as possible. I knew they'd be calling any minute, if they hadn't already, to tell me that a no call-no show was grounds for termination and I couldn't lose my job.

Without any time for amenities, I pulled my hair into a bun, threw on whatever looked clean, soaked my shirt with as much body spray as it could hold and ran out the door with MJ screaming like he was dying.

I'd gotten to my aunt's house in record time. As soon as she opened the door, I threw him into her arms and ran off the porch so that she couldn't hold me up.

With 610 already flooded with cars, I had to take the back way to work. I prayed that the streets weren't as bad as the expressway and they weren't. I pulled into the Main Street parking garage and ran to work. I was still late, but not as late as I could've been.

No one said anything to me when I walked in, but I hadn't expected them to either. It had been hell dealing with me the last few weeks, especially after Mike and I had an argument and that was pretty often. We argued so much that we turned it from a daily routine into an hourly one and I was growing physically sick from the stress.

I walked to my desk, took my purse off of my shoulder and began sorting through all of the paperwork on my desk.

After a half an hour of solitude, I heard a voice I didn't really want to hear. "Hey Simone, is everything okay? I just wanted you to know you look really--bad." Chris shyly whispered as he walked by.

Chris Moore was the new security guard the company hired after a string of workplace rapes began occurring around the city, but he was the least intimidating looking security guard I'd ever met. He was a young white guy; sandy brown hair, a little chubby, no too bright and probably not too strong seeing as he always had problems lifting some of the boxes I carry. Whenever he saw me, he made it a point to speak. Whenever I saw him, I made it a point to run.

"Thanks, Chris. When you say things like that, it really completes my fucking day. It makes me want to really hurt you. Fuck you very much for your insight into the obvious."

He began looking at the floor and pulled his security cap a little further down on his head. "I mean not bad, but sad. You look really sad. I know you don't like me very much, but would you like me to bring you something. I could if you wanted me to."

"No thanks, Chris. I know you're trying to be nice, but I'm not really hungry or thirsty right now."

"Okay Simone, I'm sorry to bother you." He smiled at me and walked out of the office.

I felt bad that I'd treated him the way I did after I watched him leave. He was a nice guy and didn't deserve my malice, but he had said the wrong thing at the wrong time and had paid for it.

*************

1:00 PM

I had been working for a few hours before I looked up at the clock and realized that I had already worked and hour past my 12:00 lunch. It was a little after one in the afternoon when I grabbed my purse and caught the elevator down to the lobby. I bought myself some chips and a drink from the bodega next to the receptionist area and sat at a table alone while I ate. I usually ran to the coffee shop at the end of the street, but I was so behind with work that I just needed a quick sugar boost to help me finish the rest of my day.

When I returned to my desk, there were three things sitting by my computer that weren't there when I left; three chocolate chip cookies wrapped in a yellow napkin, six yellow roses, and a yellow card that read: "Even during the darkest days the sun is still up there."

I looked around the office to see if anyone was noticeably guilty, but no one even stopped to notice me noticing them. Content with having a secret admirer, I called Lae.

"Hello?"

"Lae, you'll never guess what just happened to me!" I was almost too excited to talk, a complete contrast to how I'd been this morning.

"Mike died and there was a million dollar policy in your name?"

"No, but that would be a very nice Valentine's Day gift. Guess again!"

"Why should I guess when I'm not going to get it right? Just tell me already!"

"I have a secret admirer! They just left yellow roses and cookies on my desk!"

"Wow! That is nice. That's really nice for someone to do." Her exclamation sounded a little deflated, but I didn't care, this was my moment to be happy.

"Well whoever it is, they really brightened up my day. I was having the worst morning. I mean sometimes things just really fall into--"

"Hey Monie can I call you back, Niya is calling me on the other line."

"Yeah, okay. I'll just talk to you later then." I couldn't believe her! She didn't even stay on long enough for me to tell her than Mike hadn't come home in the last few days, but then again she was never available for me. Her time belonged to her new best friend, Niya.

I hung up the phone and pushed the roses to the far side of my desk while I shoved the cookies into my mouth. "Damn these cookies are good." I mumbled as cookies crumbs tumbled from my mouth and chewed on the last of them. After I finished, my attitude slowly began creeping back into my mood. "Fuckin Laela always does this to me. I don't even know why I was surprised. Hell, I don't even know why I called. I should've known she never had any time for me."

"Simone, you're talking to yourself."

Chris had returned for his afternoon rounds. It was then that it dawned on me. "Hey Chris, did you leave roses and a card on my desk?"