I'm Not Me

"Same-same."

"You mean it?"

"Yes. Totally."

"Yeah? Thank you. So--."

"We'll play cards with Mom, and--."

"Yeah, and do our summer thing," she agreed. "You do yours; I do mine. And it's not like we're never going to see each other."

"Right, we'll still hang out sometimes."

"Yes. We should," she said with finality. "Okay?"

"Yes," I said.

Kiley stopped at the door and turned back to me. "Just--just so you know I deleted that video I took of the neighbors."

"Good idea."

"Okay. Bye then."

"See you."

The door closed.

She was right, I told myself. I reached up and twisted my blinds completely closed. Even if there was another show, I wasn't going to look.

***

Three weeks later on a Friday night, heading upstairs from the basement, I heard Kiley crying in her bedroom when I passed her door.

I knocked, and she let me in with a sniffle.

"Hey, what's going on?"

She clutched a pillow over her chest and sat, slumping against her headboard. She was done up--make-up, nice skirt, high heels.

She shook her head in response.

I stepped closer to her. "Come on, Kiley. Talk to me. What's wrong?"

She sniffed, wiped her eyes, and sobbed, "Everything I've done has all been for nothing."

I sat at the foot of her bed. "What happened?"

"Well, Danielle set me up on a date with her brother and--."

"Oh, fuck, you went out with that douche?"

She nodded. "We were supposed to go to a movie, but he drove me up Bryan Hill and--and he went straight for my new tits."

"Oh, shit."

"I pushed him off and told him to take me home, and he--he called me a--a 'fat bitch.'" Kiley erupted in tears.

It's difficult to explain how Kiley's story impacted me. When she began, a flash of premonition told me it was going to end this way, with her being called a horrible name. So, as I listened, it was almost like watching a knife not plunge, but slowly sink towards your heart. No matter how hard you resist it, it keeps coming. Even when it punctures your skin, you fight back only to watch in horror as it gradually, relentlessly disappears, agonizingly, into your chest.

I wanted to kill that fuck. It destroyed me to know Kiley was in pain, especially from something like that. I would have hacked off parts of my body to help her forget what had happened and make her joyful again. Instead, I leaned over and hugged her.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, Kiley."

"Dani won't even talk to me. All she knows is her brother came home early and mad. The asshole probably told her that it was all my fault, and now Dani hates me."

"Geez."

"And--and last week, I got stood up by this guy I met at a party," she muttered, sniffling. "He seemed really nice, and we were supposed to meet at Frank's one night, and he never showed up."

"That sucks."

"Things were supposed to be different. This was supposed to be the best summer of my life and now--now all I can think about is how these--," she sobbed, pointing at her breasts, "--we're a horrible mistake."

I caressed her back without speaking.

She cried into my chest.

Finally, I said, "It isn't you, Kiley. You're perfect. It's just--you're just getting started in this going-out-with-guys stuff. There's bound to be a few misses--and plenty of hits, too."

She looked up at me. "You don't think these send the wrong message?" she asked, touching her breasts.

I said, "I think some guys--bad ones--might think there's a message that isn't really there. It isn't any message you're sending; they're getting the wrong idea. Not every guy'll be like that."

She sighed, saying, "I don't know." Then, she glanced at me. "Did you have bad dates when you started?"

I stared at her for a moment, confused. "Kiley," I replied, "since Mrs. Call pounded on the window of my truck, I've known no girl in this town is ever going to go out with me."

"What?"

I rose from her bed and laughed. "I'm not going out on dates or getting with girls, Kiley. I'm not Jay 'Andy' Andrews. I'm 'Handy.' Every living soul in this town knows what happened that morning, so no. You've got more dating experience than me."

"That--that can't be."

"Kiley, my problems are nothing. They mean nothing. All I care about right now is you."

She said, "Tell me what's happening. I need to know."

"Okay. Even if there was a girl out there who tried to give me the benefit of the doubt, who was willing to forgive and forget, do you think her parents would approve of her dating the school jerk-off guy? No freaking way. I'm not going to have a girlfriend until I go to college, and the reason I'm attending a big school really far away--like you--is so that I can blend in and know for pretty certain that my reputation isn't going to follow me out there."

She opened her mouth, but no words came out.

I said, "I thought you knew."

She shook her head, wiping her nose on her arm. She said, "I mean, I guess I knew it was bad, but I always thought you were exaggerating--that you had girlfriends and stuff, maybe just not the ones you wanted."

Shaking my head, I finished, "This summer is just making money, working out, and marking time until college."

"That's awful, Jay. It isn't fair." She climbed out of bed and hugged me.

"I'll live, but are you going to be okay?"

She nodded, wiping her nose again.

"Alright," I said, leaving her hug and heading for her door. "Chin up, Kiley. Your time is coming."

"Thank you for visiting me."

"Sure. Love ya, sis."

She smiled. "Me, too."

***

At two in the morning that same night, I sneaked out of the house with a sealed envelope in hand. In it was a note in my own handwriting. It was addressed to Dewey and Deanna.

I wrote, "My sister and I saw you on the night of the Star Trek mini-con. We both think it was totally sexy. If you ever feel like giving us another show, it would be really cool, and we will never say a word to anyone. If that's not okay, I understand and am sorry we watched you that night. You guys are awesome neighbors, and we don't want to invade your privacy. Your neighbor, Jay"

I taped it to their kitchen window and crept back home. Then, I twisted the tilt wand on my blinds until the Lawrence's home came into view and went to bed.

When I woke at seven-thirty, the letter was gone.

The decision had been an impulse. Even though everything I said to Kiley about my lack of any sex life had been true, saying the words out loud made them seem all the more real. The full weight of the idea that I was the undateable town pervert sank upon me. Dreading four more weeks of a shitty summer, I decided I wanted something to make up for it. Maybe I wasn't going to get any pussy, but I would get some excitement. I could live vicariously through Dewey.

That is if my note didn't upset the Lawrences. There was every chance that it could, I knew.

I also knew that I needed to meet the Lawrences head-on. I wasn't going to hide in my bedroom and wait.

Since it was my day off, I decided to tackle a project for Mom in the backyard. She regularly complained about our picnic table. So, I bought some outdoor wood sealer at the hardware store, dragged the table and benches onto a crummy old tarp, and began to reseal them with the stain.

About fifteen minutes into my job, Deanna emerged from the house and walked over to the fence.

"Hi, Jay."

I set the brush on the lid of the can and went over to her. "Hey, Deanna."

Resting her hands on the fence, she said, "The picnic table's starting to look nice."

"Thanks."

"I got your note."

"Yeah?"

"I wanted you to know that Dewey hasn't seen it, and I don't want him to."

"No?"

"Jay, I'm not upset with you, but I want you to know that you're mistaken about what you think you saw. That wasn't me you saw with Dewey; it was his girlfriend. She and I look a bit alike, you see. And she's a Trekkie, too."

"Oh?" Total bullshit. It was Deanna.

"Yes, do you see how you could make that mistake?"

I decided to play along for the moment. I said, "Yeah. Maybe I did. Sorry."

"Certainly. And, like I said, I'm not upset, but I'm still keeping the note from Dewey because it would scare him."

"Scare him?"

"Yes. It scares me, too."

"Why?"

"Jay, if anyone were to think what you saw actually happened, then Dewey and I could lose our jobs and our home here. We couldn't support and take care of Mom. They might put her in an institution again, you see. We cannot have that. Mom doesn't do well in those places. She needs us."

"Oh." Geez. I felt a bit terrible.

"Can you promise me something, Jay?--so that we won't have to live in fear of losing our livelihoods and our mother. Can you promise that you and your sister never told anyone and never will?"

"Yeah--yes. I promise."

"Will you swear it? On your sister and your mother?"

I nodded. "Deanna, I swear on my sister and mother that we haven't told anyone and never will."

She smiled brightly. She said, "I believe you, Jay. Thank you."

Turning away, she walked a few steps and stopped. She looked over at our house and asked, "Jay, is that your bedroom on the back there? That window?"

"Yeah. On the left."

"And your Mom's and sister's rooms?"

"Both on the front--except that fogged window on the right is Mom's bathroom."

Deanna nodded, saying, "I only ask because sometimes I forget to shut off the lights at night, and I'd hate for you to be losing sleep."

I was confused by this new direction in our conversation. Still, having never noticed a problem, I assured her, "No. It's no big deal."

"Good. I could even forget tonight, you know, and Dewey and his girlfriend might forget to shut them off when they get home about eleven-thirty or so."

Swallowing a gulp, I nodded. "Yeah?"

"Around eleven-thirty," Deanna repeated. "Thanks for being so understanding. I know we can trust you and your sister."

"Yeah."

"I hope you and Kiley have a nice night, Jay."

"Yeah. See you, Deanna."

When she had gone inside, I stared at the picnic table. My throat felt dry. My heart thudded as if I had just narrowly escaped a terrible accident. "Holy shit," I whispered.

***

At eleven thirty-three that evening, I sent Kiley a text: "They're back if u wanna see."

Deanna and Dewey were in the kitchen. The lights were on, but the blinds had been completely lowered. Yet I could see clearly because Deanna must have tilted the slats towards my room.

She had on a short blonde wig, and she was wearing a royal blue string bikini. The crotch and cups seemed more like pouches. Dewey sat in a chair, watching Deanna dance.

"Neighbors?" Kiley texted back.

"Yes."

She sent me a laughing emoji, adding, "I shouldn't."

I didn't want to tell Kiley about my note to the Lawrences and the conversation I had with Deanna--not yet, at least. So, Kiley didn't know that we had permission--not just permission, but encouragement, really.

Oh, well, I thought. Kiley was out, but I needed to take what I could get, and this was as close to pussy as I was going to get. I watched.

While not the most attractive woman, Deanna had a beautiful body. The hammock-like pouches covering her tits and ass seemed stretched by the fullness of flesh underneath. The short wig made her seem more confident and flirty. I wasn't quite sure how she tucked all of that long, dark hair under the wig, but it somehow worked.

Deanna was not gifted with grace. Though she never struck me as much of an athlete, watching her, I also realized she probably never had much dance training. What made up for it was her commitment. She gyrated for Dewey without a care in the world, it seemed. Her eyes looked for his reaction. It was obvious she was enjoying herself.

Like Dewey, I was transfixed. It was only the chime of a new text message that broke me free. Kiley asked what was going on.

I wrote, "Dancing for him."

"Coming" was her reply.

Ten seconds later, Kiley crept into my bedroom and joined me on the bed.

"What changed your mind?" I asked, still following Deanna's every move.

Kiley muttered, "This seemed better than wallowing in misery over my failed attempts at dating." A second later, she saw Deanna and said, "Oh, hey. I've got a loincloth bikini like that. Mine's lime green."

I didn't respond. Deanna had turned to face Dewey, and her hips swayed to the sides. I swallowed, staring at her ass.

"Is she hot?" Deanna asked.

I shrugged. "Looks pretty damn good right now."

"Nice body?"

I nodded.

Deanna spun again, facing us. Dewey's eyes seemed locked onto Deanna's ass. She began to back herself toward him. Her hands gripped and squeezed her tits.

Kiley whispered, "Oh, he's playing with himself. Look."

It was true. Dewey appeared to be stroking his cock through his trousers. As his sister approached, he brought his knees together. Deanna spread her legs wide and straddled him, never sitting on his lap. Instead, she bent over completely.

Dewey's face contorted as if he'd never seen anything so sexy in his life. His hands clutched Deanna's ass. Deanna appeared to be looking up at her brother from between her legs.

Suddenly, Dewey yanked down the bikini bottoms.

Beside me, Kiley gasped. Then, she said, "He--he's gonna--."

I watched them. Shaking my head, I said, "I don't think--."

"No," Kiley agreed, "that's not--."

"Not her pussy he's eating," I finished for her.

Dewey's face was immersed in his sister's ass at a level that could only be her anus. No way his tongue could stretch low enough from there to reach Deanna's pussy.

"Oh, my gosh," Kiley muttered.

Holding her hip with one hand, Dewey's other hand came away from his cock. He directed it between Deanna's legs. When her head shot up towards Kiley and me, I knew. Deanna's eyes pinched tightly shut, and her mouth fell open. Dewey's arm pistoned between her legs.

"Finger fucking her while licking her asshole--that's so fucking hot," Kiley whispered.

I glanced at her, surprised.

She noticed. An embarrassed smile unfurled her face, and she said, "Sorry. Maybe that's just a kink of mine."

I returned her smile, and when she resumed watching the neighbors, I noticed Kiley was not wearing a bra.

Deanna had risen tall. She lurched toward the kitchen table and Dewey, on his knees behind her, followed, keeping his face firmly between Deanna's cheeks. Deana gripped the ledge, pitching her head back. Dewey's fingers continued firing into his sister's pussy.

Our viewing angle was now almost completely sideways.

"There's his cock," Kiley uttered.

Before I could help it, I glanced. Dewey at some point had pulled it out, and he stroked it rapidly. I said, "You don't have to point out things like that to me, Kiley."

"What?" she asked innocently.

I turned to her without a word.

"Does he gross you out or something?"

I said, "He's a dude."

Kiley argued, "I'm not grossed out by Deanna's body. Why should Dewey's bother you?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'd rather just focus on her."

"Okay," she said, holding me with a brief look before turning back to the show.

I watched, too.

"Oh," Kiley whispered, "she's cumming. She's totally having an orgasm right now."

Deanna looked to be hollering at the ceiling. Her chest heaved, and I noticed that she must have removed her top when I wasn't looking. Dewey's fingers were a blur between his sister's legs.

Beside me, Kiley let out a faint sigh.

Deanna pitched forward. Her chest lay across the table as she gasped. Dewey drew his fingers from her pussy and his face from her ass. He sucked on his two fingers, and then rose to his feet.

Deanna rolled onto her back. She said something to him, and Dewey began to take off all of his clothes.

"He's going to fuck her right there on the kitchen table again," Kiley predicted.

Stark naked with a jutting boner, Dewey leaned down and kissed Deanna's belly button. She said something to him. He looked up at her, and then he rose.

Deanna's hands clutched her breasts and drew them up and together. Dewey climbed onto the table, straddling his sister's belly.

"Oh," Kiley whispered.

"He's going to fuck her tits," I said.

And he did. Dewey cranked his cock down. Deanna seemed to secure it in her cleavage, and then Dewey's hips began rocking.

"Oh, my gosh," Kiley muttered.

Deanna's head craned forward to watch Dewey's cock. He swept Deanna's hands aside and took her tits for himself. Deanna used her hands to support her head and neck as she looked on.

Dewey began to look like he was in pain. He fucked faster.

"Is he going to--?" Kiley asked.

"Yes."

Suddenly, Dewey's cock sprang free from between Deanna's tits. It throbbed, and Kiley and I watched a stream of cum launch into the air. We saw Deanna gape her mouth and stretch out her tongue. The cum dashed across her face. More followed.

Kiley gasped.

I whispered, "Holy shit."

"He's cumming on her face," Kiley whispered urgently. "She wants it."

"She likes it," I said, seeing Deanna's joyful, cum-slashed face.

When it ended, Dewey climbed from the table and bent double, hands on his knees.

"Oh, fuck, she's eating it," Kiley hissed with excitement.

Deanna was. She scooped up Dewey's cum on her finger and fed it to herself.

"That," I said, "is straight-up fucking porn."

"So, so hot," Kiley muttered.

I turned to her, and I asked if she was wet.

She blinked at me without a word and then nodded. Her eyes dropped to the crotch of my shorts. I rose to my knees, and I put the tent on display. She stared for a moment.

Fuck, she was sexy. Her face seemed both excited and serene at the same time. Her breasts stretched the fabric of her tank top shirt, and her nipples jutted through. Her tiny shorts put the thick curvature of her thighs on stunning display. When her eyes found mine again, I whispered, "Kiley, you are unbelievably hot."

She smiled shyly, almost as if denying my words.

I said, "Don't--please don't move."

She watched me climb out of bed. Behind her, I took her waist and adjusted her body. I put her feet on the floor and bent her across my bed, facing the window. Standing behind her, I whispered, "I'm not me. I'm just a boy who really likes you."

"What are you--?"

"I won't do anything for real," I quietly told her. "It's just--to see." I put my hands on her shorts, feeling her ass in wide circles. "I'm not me. I'm your boyfriend," I whispered.

I squeezed Kiley's ass into my hands.

Kiley's breath stuck in her throat with a tiny moan.

"Imagine a guy who wants you so much," I muttered. Then, I slid my hand between her legs. Gently sawing back and forth, I extended two fingers and drew my hand higher. It slid along the fabric of her shorts. Then, I felt the soft resistance of her body. My hand was at the nexus.

Kiley breathed deeply.

I slid my fingers against her there, mock finger-fucking her--missing just underneath her crotch. Fuck, her body was warm--hot, really--and so soft. I sensed the texture of wetness under her shorts, but I couldn't feel it transfer to my fingers.

"Your boyfriend wants to give you what you want," I whispered. Still sawing my fingers against her crotch, I gripped one thick bubble of her ass with my other hand. Squeezing firmly, I created a small opening in the cleft.

Slowly, I bent my face toward it. My nose touched the cool cotton. The aroma of sex filled my mind. My chin touched her. Then, the rest of my face nestled into my sister's ass.

Kiley gasped.

I pushed my tongue against the fabric until I felt her body there. My tongue sensed the taut skin through the cotton.

Kiley moaned.

Wiggling my tongue against her for a moment, I drew back and slid my hand from between her thighs. Kiley rolled over, sitting on the edge of the bed and staring up at me.

I had wanted to go further, but I couldn't now. I saw her lower lip trembling. "Kiley?"