I'm Pregnant

Pregnant

Yes, I was pregnant. And yes, I had not yet declared who the father was. And yes, the primary contender for father-of-my-baby was a creep. And yes, he could care less about the fetus that I claimed he might have helped to create. I'm sure he enjoyed, a lot, creating the fetus if, in fact, he actually did. I did, too, if orgasms are any indication. I just didn't know what a creep he was at the time, as he didn't pull out like he had promised, and just kept it in me, to the explosive end.

I know, I know. I should have made him wear a rubber, I should not have got drunk, and I should not have had sex. I know. I had thought about an abortion, but I'm poor, and I live in Texas, so there you are. I'm going to have someone's baby, and the child will be mine, all mine, with no man to share it with, and that's that.

I'm now at the very pregnant stage, six months, and since I'm skinny, I no longer have a prayer of hiding that I'm pregnant, even with my clever choice of clothing disguises. No, it's obvious to everyone I'm baking a bundle of joy. I'm baking myself, too, because it's hot and humid, and being pregnant just makes a girl hotter. I find myself shopping a lot for pregnancy clothes, just to enjoy the air conditioning of the mall.

Really, the only thing keeping me sane is Mark. He's been my best friend since third grade, and he still is. Don't believe the evil rumors people like to spread around, like that I'm a slut, and he's gay. Okay, he's not Mr. Texas Heteronormative, with his long hair and unorthodox views, but he'd be considered quite a reasonable masculine specimen if he were from, say, a San Francisco or a Portland kind of way. Or if he were from Greenwich Village in New York. And I'm not a slut, either, it's just that I'm a bit easy when I'm drunk. And only when I'm drunk, which I almost never am!

"Why do you always call him asshole, Joanie? He has a name, you know," Mark asked.

"Colin sounds too dignified. Besides, he's obsessed with my asshole," I said.

"What does that mean?" Mark asked. He made a grimace as if he were envisaging an asshole, filled with, well, shit. Mark can be so innocent at times. It's part of his charm.

I just looked at Mark. Mark looked right back at me. Finally, I broke the tension first.

"The only kind of sex he ever wants to have is blowjobs and anal sex," I said. "I'm not sure if he's ever even fucked my vagina."

Knowing I was six months pregnant, Mark quipped, "Well he must have fucked you in the pussy six months ago, I guess." Lest he was too subtle, Mark patted my swollen tummy. I was carrying my baby relatively high.

"Mark you've known me almost all of our lives. Do you really think I'd let an asshole like Asshole knock me up?" I asked.

"Well, I'm assuming you were drunk, told him to pull out, and ..."

"Don't be stupid. I would never trust Asshole to pull out. He's too much of an asshole to trust like that," I said.

"But if you were drunk, your judgement would be ... "

"I never get that drunk. Getting drunk allows me to be the relaxed slut I want to be about sex, but it doesn't make me stupid. It's always, always, a rubber or a diaphragm, or both. Of course, now that I'm pregnant, even very pregnant, and I can't get any more pregnant, I'm free to fuck anyone I want, with no worries, other than STDs," I said. "And Asshole still only wants anal sex. To hell with him."

"Joanie, dear, I'm confused. If Asshole, I mean Colin, always only has anal sex, then who got you pregnant?" Mark, the dear, sweet innocent asked me.

"Yeah, it's unlikely, but I guess you can get pregnant with anal sex. Maybe some of the guy's spunk could drip out and roll down to the vagina. They are placed near to each other, you know. So maybe it's possible?"

"That's gross. How can you even think that?" Mark said.

"Look, I'm desperate here. I'm pregnant, no question. I mean, look at me, for God's sake! I'm so fat! Somehow, I got knocked up, but I didn't have unprotected sex with him six months ago. I didn't even have unprotected sex at all, except for Asshole always fucking my ass," I said. "Unless ... "

Mark began to look very nervous. I knew why. He was beginning to remember. He too had been very drunk, even drunker than I was; he had been blackout drunk.

"Joanie, this is very embarrassing. I'm even ashamed to ask it. I remember Alvin and Lorrie's party, six months ago. I got drunk on my ass, and I cannot remember hardly anything that happened at that party. I know something happened involving you and me, because Doug teases me about it, but I just can't remember!" Mark said.

"I mean, you're like a sister to me, a beloved sister, and we've known each other all of our lives, and told each other everything, and ..."

"Not everything. I haven't told you everything, Mark," I said. "I have some secrets."

"Nor I, you," Mark replied, a bit too quickly.

"To answer the question you cannot bring yourself to ask me, and it's a question that is too horrible to ask, I agree, so let me say right now ..."

"Joanie, do you love Colin?"

"No, of course not," I said, surprised Mark had interrupted me as I was about to drop a bomb. Well, maybe that's exactly why he interrupted me?

"Then why do you want to marry him?" Mark asked.

I stared at him, incredulity doubtless in my eyes. "Jesus, Mark, are you that dumb? I want the baby to have a father, and he's the only guy I'm fucking these days, and the only guy I've been fucking for the last year; more or less. He's the only candidate!"

"But you say he's not the father?"

"Yeah, and so what?" I replied. "Maybe after the baby is born, he'll move from my ass to my vagina and give the baby a sibling, you know? We'll be a right family. We can change Asshole's name from Colin to Virgil, or something. You know, with a 'V,' for vagina?"

"Or Victor?" Mark suggested. "Look, you shouldn't marry someone you don't love, just because he's currently fucking you."

"What's the alternative?" I asked.

"Being a single Mom? Showering your baby with love?" Mark suggested, rather weakly, I thought. "Anyway, you said Colin doesn't want to marry you."

**

"This is probably not a good idea," Mark said.

"It's definitely not a good idea," I replied. "It will ruin our wonderful relationship. I'm the only girl I know who has a man as her best friend, and doesn't have sex with him. It's a horrible idea."

"Then why are we going to do it?" Mark asked.

"Don't you want to? Am I that undesirable? It's because this goddam pregnancy has made me so fat, isn't it?" I asked, giving him my evil smile. "Wait a minute. The girls want to come out to play." I slipped my blouse over my head and unhooked my bra, slipping its straps off my shoulders. The pregnancy had pushed my boobs up a cup size. I was now a delightful C cup. "Is it because I'm pregnant and fat and gross? I'm still the same Joanie you've always known."

"Your boobs are gorgeous, Joanie," Mark said.

"Haven't you wanted to fuck me for years, already? I've seen it in your eyes, often enough. Stop, don't apologize. I've enjoyed seeing your desire for me. A girl likes to be desired," I said.

"Everyone wants to fuck you, Joanie. Everyone is jealous of Colin. We all think he's fucking you," Mark said.

"Well, he is in fact fucking me. Pretty much every day. Just not vaginally. Everyone is right, then," I said.

"I think a lot of people, Colin included, think we're fucking, too," Mark replied.

"Well, it just goes to show you, doesn't it?"

"You're not making sense," he said.

"I mean, it just goes to show that a consensus can be wrong, sometimes, although this time they're right in spirit," I proclaimed.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Mark, you love me, and I love you, and we talk every day," I said, becoming exasperated that Mark couldn't, or wouldn't, see what was right in front of him. I knew I had to shove it in his face. "It's as if we're already fucking. Hell, we're practically a married couple. A sexually inactive, married couple."

"We must have an open marriage, then, because as you say, Colin is fucking you up your ass on a daily basis," Mark said. Finally! Finally, I saw some jealousy in Mark's eyes. It sure took him long enough. Maybe he's an emotional cripple.

"What about you and Daisy? Do you think I like that? You're carrying on with some other slut, and a pretty slut at that, while ignoring my sweet body?" I said, while I jiggled my boobs. "Is Daisy good in bed, Mark?"

"This isn't about me," Mark said.

"Of course, it's about you! Does Daisy know you love me, even though I'm as fat as a house?" I said.

"You're not fat. You're not capable of becoming fat. You're just pregnant. As for us, everyone knows we love each other, but it's a Platonic love, and you damn well know it."

"So, you admit you love me? Do you also admit you desire me?" I said, again jiggling my boobs. "Do you think Plato was gay?"

"What?"

"Well, he never married. He wrote adoringly, even lovingly, about boys. I'm just sayin', okay?"

"Are you trying to say there's no such thing as Platonic love between a hetero man and a hetero woman?" Mark asked.

"Bingo."

"Are you further trying to say that since we love each other we should make love?" Mark asked.

"No, I'm just saying it's inevitable that we will," I replied.

"What if you get married to Colin, or something. You wouldn't cheat on him with me? ... Would you?"

"There are some hypotheticals a girl should never answer, and you know it," I said.

"Sorry," he said.

"I'm not going to marry Colin, Mark," I declared.

"You're not? But you're fucking him every day! Who's going to be the father to your baby, then?" Mark asked.

"The true father will. I have faith," I said.

"Who is the true father of your baby?" he asked.

"I've got it narrowed down to four or five possibilities," I said. "Colin is one of them, even if he's only ever fucked me in the ass."

"Four or five possibilities?? I had no idea you were such a slut!" Mark exclaimed, before he could stop himself. He ducked just in time to avoid the glass I had thrown at him.

"Time for you to leave. Colin is due any moment," I said.

"Is he going to fuck you?" Mark asked, in another of his cruder moments. I threw a second glass at him. This one he simply caught in midair.

"How about I just hide and watch?" Mark asked. I frog-marched him to the front door, and gave him a good kick in his butt.

"I'm not that kinky, Mark. Off you go," I said. Mark was still laughing when he stumbled right into Colin.

**

"How come you're still wearing clothes?" Colin opened with.

"Well, aren't you the romantic," I replied.

"You know what I want, bitch. You want it, too," he said.

"Want may be a little strong. Colin, do you love me?" I asked.

"We've had this discussion. You turn me on. Even pregnant, I want you. I'll always want you. You have that power over me," he said.

"I feel like a fat pig," I said.

"That's because you have a baby growing inside you. You're still the luscious sexpot you've always been. Now take your clothes off, bitch," Colin said.

"Colin, it's not seductive to call me a bitch," I said.

"You're just upset because you're pregnant. It's not my fault you spread your legs for someone and he knocked you up, you know," he said. "You know damn well I've never fucked you in your slutty vagina. I'm not the father."

"According to Planned Parenthood, even if you only cum inside my ass, some of your copious cum can spill out of my anus and dribble into my sweet, wet, pussy, and that can knock me up," I said.

Colin laughed. "You believe that shit? Planned Parenthood is a Communist Front organization. Are you ready? Did you do the enema trick? Take off your damn clothes, or I will do it for you!"

"We're not having sex today, Colin," I said.

"Why the fuck not? We always do at this time of day. I look forward to it all day. We always have sex, and then we make dinner together. Take off your clothes, bitch."

"You call me bitch one more time and I'll throw you out of my home!" I yelled.

**

"So, did you throw him out?" my brother Dan asked, when I related the story to him. "Or did you let him take you up your ass, or both?"

"I bought him off with a blowjob, not that it's any of your business. He won't admit the baby is his, the asshole," I said.

"Is the baby in fact his?" Dan asked.

"No, the baby's not his. At least it's very likely not to be his. He's never fucked me where it counts; only in my ass," I said.

"So, the baby's not his; it's pretty clear. So, whose is it?" Dan asked.

"I've got it narrowed down to four or five possibilities. Colin, as we just discussed, but that's super unlikely. Possible, but unlikely. Now, let me see, who fucked me vaginally six months ago? Hmmm ..." I said.

"You'd better hope it's not me," Dan said.

"Why? You don't want to be the father?" I asked.

"Joanie, you're my sister! Brothers and sisters are not supposed to have children together!" Dan said. He's so easy to tease. "Besides, I wore a rubber. We should never have done it."

"But we did do it, didn't we. Do you want to do it again?" I asked.

"Of course, I do. You have the sweetest, hottest pussy in all creation. I'll never forget that ill-advised fuck we had, lo those many moons ago. Best of my life," Dan said.

"You know, rubbers aren't perfect. You're just as likely to be the father as Colin the Asshole is," I said. "I'm pregnant now, so you wouldn't even need a rubber. You could experience the "sweetest, hottest pussy" in all creation, and bareback. Plus, after the fuck, I'll give you one of my patent-pending best brownies in all Indiana!"

"That's not comforting, Joanie," my brother Dan said. "We can't have sex again. I can't handle the guilt."

"Even were you to get a brownie as well as my pussy?" I inquired.

"Even."

"That's okay, Dan. I don't want to have incest with you again, even though I find the kinky side of incest appealing. The reason I don't want to is not because you're my brother, it's who you are as a person. No offense, I hope," I said, smiling as I said it.

There, I did it! I broke up with my brother. How many girls can say that?

"What about that brownie?" Dan asked.

**

"So, you really broke up with Colin?" my friend Barbara asked.

"Yes, although I'm not sure he knows it yet," I said.

"I was sure the two of you would get married. I was surprised you hadn't. Isn't he going to miss fathering his baby?" she asked.

"He's not the father," I said.

There was a long silence. Then Barbara gave me a high five. "You slut, you! I was convinced he was; you've been together throughout the pregnancy, after all."

"Until now."

"Yeah, I guess so. Why'd you dump him, anyway?" Barbara asked.

"How'd you know it was I who dumped him, and not the other way around?" I asked.

"Because I know you. Besides, how much anal sex can a girl take? The man's obsessed," she said. That raised my eyebrows.

"How'd you know about his sodomy fetish/obsession?" I asked.

"Oh, honey! Everyone knows. We had a betting pool on how long you'd last. I lost my $20 a long time ago," Barbara said.

"You do know that's disgusting, don't you?" I asked.

"Yes, of course," Barbara said, and we both giggled uncontrollably, causing the other patrons of the luxurious Starbucks to stare at us.

"So, Colin's not the father?"

"Right. That's what I said," I replied.

"So who is?" she asked.

"Nobody knows. But I've got the suspects narrowed down. Actually, I alone know who the father is; I'm just waiting for the right time to make the big reveal. I plan to marry him," I said.

"Did you ever do the one-night-stand with a stranger thing we talked about?" Barbara asked.

"I sure did. It was wonderful. Bareback, too," I said.

"Ever see him again afterwards? Get his name?" she asked.

"Maybe, and yes," I said.

"When did you do it?"

"Around six or seven months ago," I said.

"You mean around the time -- oh my God!" Barbara said, having added two and two together. I just smiled.

"So, your candidates for fatherhood are Colin, your best friend forever Mark no doubt, Mr. Mysterious one-night-stand, and ...??" Barbara asked.

"Silence forever? For real?" I indicated I meant it, too.

"Of course," Barbara said.

"My brother Dan," I whispered to her.

"Oh, my goodness, you slut, you! Damn. I've had the hots for Dan since ninth grade!"

"Take him, then. I want him off my hands! I'm cleaning house, except for the father," I said.

"So neither Colin nor Dan is the father?" Barbara asked.

"Just between us -- and I mean it -- this is secret!" I whispered. Barbara crossed her heart.

"Yeah, neither one is the father, thank goodness," I said.

"How can you be so sure?" Barbara asked.

"Secret DNA tests," I whispered, and smiled.

"Doesn't it cost a fortune to do those with a fetus?" she asked.

"It sure does, but it's only a small fortune. Remember, my Dad has money," I replied.

"So, who is the father, then? Mark, or Mister X?" she asked. "Does Mister X even know you're pregnant?"

"Yeah, he knows," I said. "He lied to me, too. He's married." I said.

"That sucks. So, who do you want the Dad to be, anyway?" Barbara asked me.

"I should mention, there's also Doug Foster," I said.

"Mark's best friend? You let him too into your honeypot around six months ago?" Barbara was getting just a tad incredulous.

"Oh, he's been dipping his wick from time to time for a few years. He wears rubbers, plus I use a diaphragm. We'd have to have a super rare event for all that to fail, but then, anything's possible, right?" I said.

"Are you still seeing Doug, that way?" she asked.

"Nope. Not a chance in Hell," I said.

"Who do you want it to be? Isn't Mark dating Daisy, currently?"Barbara asked,

"I hear she's doing her best imitation of a slut, too. You know, she has gymnastics training, so you can imagine ... I can't compete with that. Of course, if it's Mister X, who knows what's behind that Green Door?" I said, enjoying shocking Barbara with my extensive sexual exploits.

"This should be a daytime TV Soap Opera," Barbara said.

"Yeah, especially because I found out Mister X is married. He'd just wanted a little young pussy on the side."

**

"My water broke, Barbara," I said into my cell phone.

"I'll be right over! Are you in labor?" she said.

"How should I know? We need to go to IU Hospital over in Indy. Dr. Minkowski is my obstetrician," I said.

"I know, I know, we've gone over this a thousand times," she said.

"Ouch!"

"What's wrong?" Barbara asked, revealing either a tone of concern or of terror.

"I guess it's a contraction," I said. "Are you in your car?"

"Yes, my phone's on speaker. How fast are the contractions coming, now?" she asked.

"How should I know? Do you think I'm a computer? Oomph. That last one was a doozy," I said.

"Everything will be fine. Almost there," Barbara lied. She was worried sick. Birth scares every intelligent person. I grabbed my already packed bag for the hospital.

**

"All she does is sleep. Sleep, eat, shit, and sleep some more. The doctor says all her energy is going towards growing; getting bigger. She has a long way to go, too, because my Lord, she is tiny!" I complained.

"She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Mark said.

"I knew you'd like her. Say, I heard you broke up with Daisy?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it. It looks like little Hazel is waking up," he said.

"Yep. And she'll want food," I said.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

"Not if you're okay with seeing my boob. It's really just a flash, because after that all you'll see is Hazel's head attached to it, sucking like her life depends on it. I guess it does, in some sense."