All Comments on 'I'm the Man of the House'

..don't give it up just yet.

is to read your dialog out loud to see how it sounds and to see if it is perhaps a run on sentence that should have quit sometime ago, which what I am saying is if your sentence is too long and contains more than one thought or expresses the same thought more than once, it is probably a run on sentence that is going to be, once it is read, very distracting from the story, and making it hard to read at this time or for that matter at some time in the future, which if you see what I mean, will make the story so much harder to read at any time.

I really tried to read your story but I couldn't. Your writing is sophomoric and tedious to read. Run-on sentences are rampant and there are numerous spelling, punctuation and grammar issues. Admittedly, this site encourages new writers and I truly commend you for your efforts! However, going forward, please consider enlisting some editing/proofreading assistance. Submitting a second installment, written in the manner with which you wrote Ch. 1, will be akin to literary suicide! Two stars for effort. **

Is HankWilliams1956, you are probably older, but you write like you are still in High School. Sorry, not my cup of tea; you lost me on Page 1.

Wonderful and loving start. Sexy mom knowing how to dress to.please her lover.

Looking forward to the next chapter. For these love to grow and experiment with their deep love for each other.

You really capture the way people really speak to each other.

I knew this guy was going to be a dick when I finished his first line. ARROGANCE, CONCEIT, ETC and I knew all this before I even read a sentence.

This boy better go back to Country Music and leave the Erotica writing to someone who knows what he, or she is doing.

are doing.

You really need to work on how people talk naturally to each other. Some of your descriptions were OK but the conversations were an abortion of syntax.

a loving story

Yep, I couldn't have said it better myself. I made it a third of the way or so, just after they got to the secluded area. The dialogue is atrocious, boardering on criminal. There's no emotion to it, I don't feel as if they're even mother and son, more like friend of a friend, and even that's giving it a bit of credit. 2 stars for having nuts enough to post this.

Good effort and content!!

it just needed a little more really, hot sex keep on trucking tenbears43

Two stars for the content, but I only made it through page 1 before stopping. Despite fans that will bash people criticizing your work - spelling, punctuation, content, and natural speech patterns really will make or break your stories for anyone not looking for a quick stroke read. You intro'd stating that this will be a 4-5 part series, so I urge you to take the constructive advice (not the "this shit sucks-one star" worthless ratings) to help your writing improve. Thanks for the story.

Slyder

Very poor English, it must be your second or Evan third language? You need a proof reader or Evan a GHOST WRITER,

if you decide to write a second chapter clean up the language

You have some world record run on sentences.

Lots of negative comments about your writing style. It is rather difficult to read sometimes, I must agree. But, I kept looking at your name, and remembering some people I have known that actually do talk like that when describing something that happened, and I kept on reading.

The story reminded me of several 'dirty books' I actually paid money for when I was younger!

One comment was a good tip, to avoid some of the run-on sentences, read your work out loud. If you can't say it, speaking in a normal voice, without stopping to take a breath, there is work to be done.

Good enough for a first effort, keep on writing.

Have you ever heard of sentences, the story may be worth a read but the grammar ruins it.

Perhaps a guest editor might be able to make the sentences and dialogs crisper. When you are describing bras and panties that the mom wears, I was confused as to what she wore. And not sure how the son found out about her landing strip without seeing her nude in the first few paragraphs

Venus

Very cute and loving... Read the assisting comments and see if someone can edit these for you. You have a solid baseline for the story, it's just the grammatical part the needs work!

Thank you for sharing, I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

Just remember that it is fiction and let the mum and son have a ball and love each other. I for one will be waiting for the next chapter. Some of other anonymous commenters are probably judging you like a professional writer. Write some more and enjoy yourself.

It would have been a good story except for the paragraph-long run on sentences. I simply had to stop reading after awhile. Please, please get an editor for your next story.

Very very HOT and arousing. A son sometimes can help his Mom feel better; especially when his tactless secretary was fucking her husband while on the phone and wasn't smart enough to hang up first !! Hopefully, Maryann will send him packing for good and leave him to his dumb secretary !!! Maryann should take them both to the cleaners for doing what they did to her.

Her son, who is now Man of the House; should get all the benefits that his Dad got but never appreciated. He has done more for his Mom than his father ever did it seems.

Now, we need another chapter, so Maryann can show her son what she has always wanted sexually and never got. Thank you.

I'm never one to call for an editor usually as I think that someone's story is their own. A story should be written in their own way with their own mistakes, that way you get more of a feel for the author. However this story was hard going all the way through thanks to the inordinately long sentences and unusual phrasing that dominated the telling of tale; it made it almost feel that English is not the authors primary language. It was a good story and the author had put a great deal of effort into what I think will unfold into a great series. I stuck through to the end and it was worth the effort, I just wished it jarred less along the way. I look forward to the next chapter, I hope he gets a little help along the way. Still gave it 5* for effort and it's decent premise.

this is a verrrrrry good story please continue with as many chapters as possible

friendly advise. it's OK to use contractions. they make the dialog sound more believable.

It's very clear you are not writing as you normally talk. I feel that you are pretending to be something you are not.

First write the way you normally speak during conversations. EXACTLY that way. Then polish your story from there. Your story line is fine but I feel like you are dragging the reader through a briar patch to get to the end.

Read Mark Twain; he also wrote from the subject's point of view (first person). He wrote as though a young boy, without good grammar, would speak. Still, his stories were fun and exciting AND no one ever put him down for his writing. It was understood that it was written as intended and it worked.

You can do the same thing.

But holy damn the flow was terrible! Plz rewrite it and have an editor work some magic okay??? You had lots of spelling errors and a ton of unnecessary words in there buddy.

Thx for the effort tho. :-)

you have 4 ch but you take to much time talking about it that I could not even finish the first one before I have up

any longer you should receive good marks. To offset this fool's 1 vote I gave you a 5

I think this can be pretty good with a little editing. If you get a beta/editor may help. A lot people already hit on the main issues. Don't give up just work on it.

Your grasp of the English language is tenuous at best.

You could have left out dozens of sentences and paragraphs.

You went into to much repetitive descriptions. It

was a nice story otherwise.

Your storyline is good but that's the only thing. ⭐️⭐️⭐️ only

Like so many others have already pointed out your grammar and spelling let you down badly and an editor would have helped this story greatly. But not everything was doom and gloom, like Kookaburra8 stated your storyline was actually very good. Don't give up just take the criticism on the chin and keep on trying, I think you'll get there in the end.. ⭐️⭐️⭐️

Lousy execution. Your story line is actually a good one, but your attempt at writing exciting erotic dialogue leaves much to be desired and detracts the reader to the point that I had to stop reading. As other readers have commented your tendency to constantly repeat a thought shows a lack of clarity on your part and only serves to add unneeded words to a sentence or paragraph.

Keep in mind what dialogue is and imagine a man or woman in the throes of passion using a paragraph to say "fuck me" or "suck my dick". In the lead up to sexual situations you can also avoid repetition by speaking out what you want to say before committing it to your story. Keep working at it, but take your time and some of the reader suggestions because I do think you are onto something here.

This story was well worth reading and I really did enjoy the plot. My only complaint was that some of the wording just seemed for a better word weird but I did very much like the story.

Enjoyed this story!

But why is almost every paragraph just one long sentence??

Plot as to be expected. Son definitely loves his mother; however, his language could use improvement. How the mother could be married to such a jerk for 18 years is unbelievable. Although fiction, I wish the mother had a better vocabulary. Finally, in some part, is seems the mother is having sex simply to get back at her husband.

Like a lot of the other comments very good concept, but tou writing is very poorly done. " When we got to the car. I opened the door to the car and she got in the car and I closed the door to the car then I went around to the drivers side of the can then got into the car and closed the door to the car. Come On we know it is a car and the doors have to be opened and shut. We don't need it to be fully detaiked every time. I believe if you took some writing classes you would be really good. I just couldn't keep reading after halfway through the second page of the first chapter. Way to much redundancy.

Great story. I love the way he calls his mom baby. It shows that she isn't just his mom, but his girlfriend. It is very sweet.

Jeeez dude, check the spelling

"I'm The Man Of The House Ch. 01:" - Late Teens Adolescent Son, George Backster and Mid-Thirties Aged Married (soon To Be Divorced) Mother, Maryann Backster.

There's not much I can say or add, that hasn't already been said and/or alluded to. With some proper editing this Chapter could be trimmed to less than one-third of its current length.

The length of a story is not any indication of it being better, but many times it means the story is too wordy. I've read each of the current forty-two (42) comments...as of today, February 03, 2023., A few of them do have some constructive advice and criticisms. You have good ideas and concepts of the story theme, but your writing style and content does need improvement. Long story, short; you use too many unnecessary words.

Keep on keeping on. Practice makes perfect, and an editor will do your story themes lots of good.

Concept good but written a 2nd or 3rd grade level.