All Comments on 'In The Eyes Of A Child Ch. 06'

all you had to do was write what happen and end this story.finish the dam story and move on.you acting like a spoil kid.

you was drunk or somethin', when you was ridin this story? its sorta err y'know, bad,,, incomprehensably bad in every way, from the speeelin' to grammar to story tellin' to dialogues to every thing you could think offf, <p>

but, yeah, go ahead, if you was gonna keep continuing'; i jus wana see how much badderer it could get",

Whats going with the divorce ?and the daughter is she Marks?and what about Sally Jo will Mark go and be with her and the phone call at the last chapter did mark finally let her go so he can move on with his life?

Pat

you need an editor, your writing is full of errors and poor style. it is almost unreadable.<p><P>and that is a shame, because it looks like you are a pretty good plotter. i hope you do better.

I really was caught up in the story and so managed to

overlook the technical errors. It looks like you were

too emotionally involved by your own story to even reread

it. Did you have problems getting it placed on the board?

Oh well, all the chapters read like a first-draft of a

really great story and even with the problems you held

my attention. You have talent man! So work on it!

I really was caught up in the story and so managed to

overlook the technical errors. It looks like you were

too emotionally involved by your own story to even reread

it. Did you have problems getting it placed on the board?

Oh well, all the chapters read like a first-draft of a

really great story and even with the problems you held

my attention. You have talent man! So work on it!

Bruce22,I got involved in this very good story,so what do a few grammatical mistakes matter?

so tekk us how bad robtn has it now..how bad she knows she screwed up///and how good his life is now that he finally married sally a good wife and woman ...i als ojope the assholes who drugged and fucked robyn make good mistresses in prison and i hope their lives from now on is pure hell on earth

The title focuses attention on the little girl, and so did the first installments. We heard all about his love for her, he goes to jail to protect her, but now she's dropped out of sight and the only question is whether she's "his" -- as though years of being a Daddy would just be wiped out if she wasn't. Here at the end he doesn't even mention her as an issue.

<p>Reconciliation with the wife would have been unbelievable but if this guy can just walk away from the little girl, then he's a shit too.

I liked your story, and yes you need to work with an editor or some people who can proof read your story. Not mentioning the daughter at the end is very disconcerting.<p>You have good ideas for plots and storylines. Keep writing and keep your chin up, as at least you have the balls to put your stories out there, unlike myself.<p>Thanks for your efforts as it takes a lot to do this and have the comments hit you between the eyes, as you might have meant one thing and we as readers have our own bent on what is right or wrong<p>Keep writing<p>PT

PISS POOR ENDING TO WHAT HAS BEEN A GOOD STORY UP UNTIL THE END. I FIND THIS IS HAPPENING TO A LOT OF WRITERS. IF YOU ARE GOING TO WRITE A STORY, TAKE THE TIME AND DO IT RIGHT.

With each episode the grammar degrades further and the logic gets fuzzier. Disappointing.

Would like to know if Susan is his daughter, who goes to jail, dose Maur (SP) lose his balls? You need to finish the story. It was a good read, thank you for writing.

It was sometime ago when I read the first parts of this story but these last two chapters are just utter crap. Rushed don't even start to cover it, did you just write it down in notepad and post or something? Cause the grammar is so far from good it becomes really hard to read. I don't know about you but an epilogue to me is not something that happens the very same night, to me it takes place at least some time after the main story ends. An epilogue would have been good to add after the last part with how it ended up for the characters a year or so from the end and tie up all the lose ends.

I, too, would like to know the outcome of the DNA test. It, also, seems that Tom is still confused about his feelings. I think he is still in love with Robyn and Sally Jo is his crutch.

Tom was given an opportunity to have a good career with Robyn's dad's company. There were no stipulations put upon Tom to remain married to Robyn. He may want to rethink his options.

What happened to the criminals in this case. Were they guilty and if so, did they go to prison.

Anonymous said, "<I>I got involved in this very good story,so what do a few grammatical mistakes matter?</I>"

<P>

Let's extrapolate that attitude to, oh, say, having your plumbing repaired. Do you want a plumber who does his job professionally and competently to fix your pipes or do you want some schlock who barely knows one end of a spanner from the other? I know which one I want. Why you would settle for less from an author than a plumber is a mystery to me.

<P>

As my editor has told me more than once, language is a tool. Do you want to use a hand drill or power drill? If you do a poor job with the prose, how can you do justice to the storyline and the characters that you've created. The answer is: you can't.

<P>

If sloppy craftsmanship doesn't bother you, so be it. I won't abide it, and I'll criticize any author who doesn't care enough about their work to proofread it, correct the blunders, and do a thorough job of authoring.

This is just low class white trash doing black guys. It belongs in IR not loving wives.

I liked the plot and story line, but you definately need an editor. Get one and it will make your stories so much better. Most of the better writers on Lit use an editor of some sort.

"shook my head yes"

I think you mean "nodded my head yes", otherwise it sounds like an Indian shaking yes, apparently the only country where that is done.

I mean come on, really...

And that's what it is - a story. Why do these anonymous uneducated idiots always seem to believe it's real? I have to agree with those who suggest you need an editor to get the best down, but what the hell? It's like those dumb Steven Seagal films, you just have to go with the story and overlook logic faults and bad grammar. It's ENTERTAINMENT!

And who is this Alveron chap comparing the skills of writing and plumbing? Weird or what? Even the worst writing can't damage my house. Anyway I clicked on his user name to see what he's written (recommend this, that's how I found this story) and found he's submitted nothing to this site. Neither have I and I don't think I would write as well as most of those that do. I enjoy reading and appreciate those who take the trouble to write, despite so much discouragement.

Jim does not get a reduced sentence as compared to no sentence?

THis facade here, and the level and degree what a family Robyn came from. What about the child? The child pays here, however it goes with the adults

This was actually painful to have to read. If English is your first language, you really need to head back to the school you went to and bitch-slap your teachers, because your grammar, spelling and overall command of the language is pitiful.

If you're not willing or able to actually learn what words mean and how to use them, at least take the step of getting an editor from Literotica; they offer them, free of charge. An editor can help you by finding and correcting your spelling and grammatical errors, as well as by assisting you in keeping your story line running straight and true, and untangling any knotty areas that come about when revisions occur.

Please, please, please - get an editor. Otherwise, your stuff isn't fit to read.

What is the DNA test results? Whose is the custudy of Susan?

And many other questions. Should you have writen a newer chapter?

However, it leaves so many unanswered questions, I could only rate it 4****.

Disconnected and difficult to read,with all the other problems in previous comments.

Well deserved 1 star.

Too many gaps and unanswered questions, therefore not a story. Only 2 stars.

better than the individual chapters. TK U MLJ LV NV

you wish for us to know what you are doing. For one you havent written and published in over 5 years. I for one would like to see an epilog or a sequel. TK U MLJ LV NV

NOT finished!

You spend all that time starting and developing the story then you sprint to the end without closing out some of the major plot lines?

When did she start cheating?

Who was the true father?

Was she pregnant before marrying Tony?

You had a good story going then in a hurry to finish the story you just blew it all to hell

On the basis of plot alone, I would give this five stars. It is actually very intriguing and I found myself fully engaged until the very end. However, while I tolerate grammatical errors on this site (they are far too common to get hung up on), yours had several that simply got in the way of the story. More than a few times I had to read, re-read, and read yet again to try to understand what you were saying. A few times I had to simply guess about what you were trying to say. Some of these errors seemed like type-os where whole words or phrases were missing. Still, I enjoyed your inventiveness and have no regrets about reading it. Four stars.

None of it should have happened and his wife always had a lover on the side but still claims that she loves him. Weird... The text is also weird in too many spots!

Actually the whole story needed more information. If anything it deserved a more detailed ending. I figured that the mother was a cheating whore also so when she said "I am my mothers daughter" it all fell in place. It could have been a great tale.

What started off as a good story line died on the Alter of Non-Editing. Misspelled words and incredibly bad punctuation were rampant. I'm neither perfect,nor a writing prodigy,but Spell Checker and Google will save you from looking like an ass....all day long.The main character,"Tommy",could not possibly have been as blind and stupid as you've written him....and still somehow manage to live past puberty ( let alone attend a College). Anyway, a good try....Hopefully you will get yourself a talented editor/proofreader,and learn to storyboard better,and to more fully flesh out your story-lines and characters. Good luck in the future. -BGunns

Typos out of sight! Story line okay, but stilted writing. Not smooth at all. Left too much for the reader to fill in. Cheers!

"but Mom had to sale 48% of her business a brothel in Las Vegas."

I assume you mean Mom had to SELL 48% of her business, a brothel in Las Vegas.

And why just 48%? Or did you mean she OWNED 48% and had to sell it?

MAYBE he can get past her drug-induced fucking, but what about the cheating on their HONEYMOON?! Or that important "meeting" that she came home drunk from?

Is English your native language? Duh! Ciao!

The teachers should use this as an example of what happens when one sits around playing with their dicks during classroom time. The worst display of butchery of the English language in all of LIT. Too disconnected for me to understand. The only scoring possible is for the fact that the author actually was smart enough to figure how to get it published here.

I tried to enjoy it, but every time I seemed to be able to get into the story, the lousy writing made it impossible. Proofread, proofread, proofread, then edit, edit, edit. Please. I don't mean to be too critical, but these errors are so plentiful that they detract from our ability to enjoy the story.

Awful 1*

great read, hey annony you old fat ugly fag eat it!

I tried without success to understand the story. I'm still not certain what I was reading. Go back to school author. Pay particular attention to the 4th, 5th and 6th grade English classes.

What a simply awful series.so glad it's finished. 1*

Robyn was a cheating whore, and got what she deserved. Who was Susan's father?

This is the worst kind of garbage I have seen in a long time, I must assume that since an editor wasn't mentioned in the last chapters, she simply gave up.

The premise of the story wasn't bad but the author was completely incapable of bringing it to life, and it just got worse as it progressed. This last chapter was simply AWFUL!

For example:

The rapists were called into the owner's office where four policemen were waiting for them and they start laughing at Tommy for being a wimp? Oh my God! Didn't they have worse things to be worried about already?

And the three men we hadn't met before just happened to have stereotypical black names? Was this the negro-phobic redneck speaking?

Tommy kicked Bud hard enough in the stomach to send him through a glass wall into the next room, and Bud was STARTLED??? I bet he was!

Jim claims to love Robyn? Was that why he and four other guys raped her?

When two people are talking, on their own, they don't start EVERY sentence by saying the other persons name!

Well, doesn't the news just keep rolling in?! Robyn's dad was a respected (I guess) businessman, and her mom ran a Vegas WHOREHOUSE??? Just out of curiosity, did she own 48% and sold it all, or maybe she owned 100% and kept 52%? What the hell is this?

At the end we're suddenly told that not only were Robyn drugged and raped but she was fucking everything in sight for years? And why did Tom act as if he knew all about that too, when the readers weren't told a thing?

First issue of contention comes with the prologue (that thing you wrote before continuing with the story. That is called the prologue.). You may be a simple "country boy", but you don't NEED to be a dumb ass. The person who wrote this was an illiterate dumb ass. Hell, I'm a "country boy" as much as any "Winchester" out there, but I can read and write without selling my honor to the next P.O.A. that comes along.

As for the meat of the story. I was going to list some of the issues, but there were SOOOOOO many I simply decided to call you a mind numb fuck and move on.

I would hope in the future you READ your own work. That alone should be enough to tell you you have problems. Your sentence structure is abominable. Your lack of quotation marks around spoken words is annoying and misleading. Your change of tense within a single sentence is blatant.

You have no business calling yourself an "author" and kitty-lovefuck should not be calling her/itself an "editor".

He really needs to move on at least i hope so. The its only a physical thing doesnt pan out, shoe on other foot she;d flip out on him. Sad thing is there are females that think like this in the world

I question this story very carefully and it all comes down to one thing,if Susan was really Tommy's Daughter. Sure Robyn had cheated on Tommy but surely if Susan was his child he could somehow bridge the gap between him and Robyn.I would hate to see a family torn apart over something like this.

And besides even if Susan wasn't his biological daughter that girl doesn't deserve to have her world ripped apart by the man she called Daddy since she was born,its like Tommy is punishing his daughter,just plain wrong.Also basically Tommy himself isn't innocent by a long shot with the shit he's done,and like the old saying goes "Let he without sin,cast the first stone".

Please get an editor.

GOOD AUTHOR. 5 STARS ALL AROUND ON ALL 6 CHAPTERS. THE AUTHOR IS NO LONGER ACTIVE OR IS WRITING UNDER ANOTHER HANDLE. AUTHOR NEEDS A GOOD EDITOR OR JUST NEEDS TO PROOF READ HIS STORIES 3 TIMES. FOR THOSE THAT USE A TEXT READER, AUTHORS NEED TO USE COMMAS AND NOT THE dot dot dot dot and more dots. MAKE THE STORY REALLY SUCK. ENOUGH SAID!

It would have been nice to learn who Susan's father was

What a pathetic excuse gor a man.

Congrats... You're the most racist writer on the site... As well as the creator of one of the most inept stories... The "the south was right" was bad enough... But the "hood" names for the black guys sealed it... I've never said this to an author... (And i use that title lightly)... But... You can eat shit and die... And take your crappy stories with you... Racist fuck...

-jaye-

Well, we have a story with too many loose ends and no really ending to button it up. 2/5

Naw!

This is the first time reading this after 20+ years.

Still, the author has not had submitted anything since then.....

Perhaps the Anon (yes I am also guilty) "Congrats... You're the most racist writer on the site..." should lighten the fuck up!

Tell me brah/bro, would you call the Arab Sheiks and their nation RACISTS? You will have your nuts roasted in no time flat.

And naw, you won't be dead, just cloistered in a wheelchair incoherently blabbering the shit you spewed until your end comes.

Lazy, half arsed effort, really wish I hadn't bothered with it.

Man, that was as disjointed a story as I have ever read. Sloppy does not begin to do it justice. The start was bumpy and went downhill with each succeeding chapter. I'm sure your editor did their best, but this seems to read like english is a second or third language. Two stars as only cuck stories get rated at 1 star.

My fault that I wasted my time on this tale