All Comments on 'In Trouble'

suppose there's more coming. Otherwise, this story makes no sense at all.

me my brother set me up to protect himself. And I just say lets forget about it. Yeah right and bugs bunny and mickey mouse agree with this to. Way to immature to be of any consequence.

Sorry I'm trying very hard to be constructive and find something nice to say about it, but I can't, it reads like a child abuse story, and considering the ‘girl’ being abused is an adult….

Maybe it’s the ethical lapses in plot line that gets under my skin,

Parents find drugs and they feel justified in beating their daughter? It’s all happy go luck everything’s fine at the end because, oh well there really was really nothing to worry about but we had to make sure.

Even worse they're [the parents] portrayed as being in the right.

Despite the beating of this young woman, for no reason other than paranoid suspicion.

More to the point all the ‘consequences’ are left for the daughter alone. The son appears to leave unscathed from suspicion or consequence and so are the parent. Can you say social services?

If that’s the story you wanted to tell, I concede that it’s your work, please write what you want regardless of to my comments.

Objections to the scenario aside, the characters in general could use some work and few extra dimensions, but you should be able to fix that really easily.

For example the daughter is so submissive and wooden, all the emotions are off balance, why is she like that?

Why is she more concerned about her brother not finding out about the whipping she was subjected to? Is she a completely innocent party or is there another reason, like her being co-conspirator or even the brains of the operation.

The brother is a complete mystery, not necessarily a bad thing. It keeps a reader guessing and they can find their own assumptions about his character.

The parents however are a different matter, the behaviour displayed is it written in a fashion which automatically sets them up as the bad guys. They appear to have no thought and depth beyond violence .

Hell they find wacky backy, in their daughters room and not even a conversation about drugs is warranted before hand? Or even sniffing the air in the room or looking for equipment to confirm their paranoia. That stuff leaves a distinctive smell.

To reiterate why did they repeatedly boomerang back to violence and coercing demands instead of even listening, or even talking to their child when she said she had no idea where the bag came from?

Why was that their only and first option? Why the knee jerk reaction?

Do they not know her well enough to distinguish the truth, is she an accomplished liar, is the other child rather wayward and they fear the same happening to this child. You get the point.

Please think about why the other characters act they way they do, and what are their motivations for doing this: and in following out these actions how do they justify and rationalise the directions in which their actions take?

Are there any emotional consequences?

The flow of your story doesn’t feel right from a first reading, there is no direction in your work, I find it hard to put down the reasons for your story its purpose or intent. If it’s purely for yourself, and your reasons are your own please disregard this comment as trivial quibbling.

I apologise if the comments come across as a bit harsh, they are meant to be constructive.

All the problems are fixable if you consider the above and take it a step or four further.

Paint some background and fill in the blanks maybe add a little colour and detailing to the story this could be turned into an intriguing exploration.

As is, scrap it and better luck next time