Infidelity Anonymous 04: Joy

This is the fourth installment in a series of stories about a fictitious organization designed along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous where people who have cheated on their spouses, and the spouses they cheated on, can both find support and forgiveness as they work to rebuild their lives. There may well be an organization like this, and there are many organizations that attempt to meet the needs of those whose happiness has been destroyed by infidelity, but this creation is meant to be pure fiction.

*****

James looked about the room and he wondered what the night would bring. He was one of three moderators for the group and they took turns in rotation. Tonight was his night. Soon, he would call the meeting to order and he wasn't prepared. There were too many thoughts bouncing around in his head. Contrary to what people thought, he didn't help to start this group in order to help others. He started it because he was struggling with his own history and tonight he was struggling more than usual.

He felt a weight on his shoulders. There were a lot of newbies present tonight. They would need a little extra help to understand what they try to accomplish here. James was feeling drained and the meeting hadn't even started.

James called out to the room, "Okay, okay everyone, fill your cup and find a seat! The meeting is about to begin!" He waited a minute to give everyone time to settle and then in a quieter voice with more than a little exhaustion said, "Good evening, everyone. My name is James and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, James!" Sometimes, that simple greeting by a room of people who understand your pain is enough to raise your spirits and change your day. Sometimes it's not.

"We seem to have a pretty good group tonight. I see a few new faces and lots of old ones."

One voice calls out, "Sorry!" and the group laughs.

James is smiling now. "Billy, that wasn't a complaint. It was just an observation."

"What we do here is hard work. We share our stories, give one another support, and in bits and pieces we bare our souls. To prepare us for that, we start our meetings by saying the Serenity Prayer. Join me, please."

Together, they say, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

"So, just to remind everyone, we are here for all those whose life has been affected by infidelity. That means the cheaters and the cheated and it includes their kids as well. Every act of betrayal hurts a lot of people and we are here for all of them."

"Okay, who wants to go first?"

The room is uncharacteristically slow to respond. It's going to be one of those nights. After a few moments, a small hand goes up on the left side of the room.

"Yes, thank you. Come on up." James sat down, still lost in his own thoughts.

A petite blond rises from her seat and walks to the front of the room. "Hello. My name is Joy and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Joy!"

"I started coming here about a month ago and I've listened to the stories. It's been a big help to me, so thank you for that. The truth is I don't know if my story is such a big deal. I suppose it's pretty routine, but it seems like everything to me." Joy seemed lost in thought. "It sounds so corny. It's a cliché, really, but I guess that's why everyone has heard it. My husband, Bill, and I were married for seven years when he got caught." She looked around the room. "That's right - he got the seven-year itch."

There were some quiet snickers in the room.

"At least, that's what he claimed. I mean, he said it was the first and only time! So, I said, `I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night, you assh...' Well, you can finish that. Then I hit him!"

"I know what you're thinking. I hit him. So what? He's this big guy, 5 feet 10 inches, and he works with his hands. I'm 5 feet 3 inches. What harm could I do? Well, he had both his arms in casts and two broken ribs. The rest of him was battered black and blue. I picked the biggest bruise I could see and gave it everything I had. Pow! He cried like a little girl..." Joy smiled. "And I should know, because I am a little girl!" Joy held her fists up like a fighter to make her point.

The room was enjoying Joy's story.

"So, here's the thing. I never actually caught him cheating. My two brothers just came home when I was visiting my mom and they told me. They saw him. He was out back at our house with a girl we went to school with. That bitch! I guess he thought that with all the woods around us his secret was safe. My brothers went over to borrow some tools and, well, my brothers are really big. They've been looking after their little sister forever and they kinda... well, I told you Bill had both arms in casts and lots of bruises. They never said anything, and Bill never pressed charges, but I think they negotiated my divorce that day."

There were smiles and nods around the room.

Joy grew quiet and she wasn't smiling anymore. "It's poison, you know. This anger and resentment just fester inside. I hate him more today than the day I learned he was cheating on me. All this hurt just spills over and it spoils everything good in life. I'm trying to let go of the anger, put down the hurt, and get on with my life, but it seems like it's all that I have. I'm afraid that if I don't have the hurt, I won't have anything."

Joy paused for a moment as she reflected on her own words. "I just want you all to know that I'm listening to you and I'm trying. I really am. I've heard you tell me that it gets better. I just wish I knew when. Thank you for listening."

The room gave Joy a round of applause and thumbs up as she walked back to her chair.

James rose. "Hang in there, Joy. You'll be surprised. One day you'll notice it doesn't hurt like it did. That's the day you start getting better. Now, who else would like to share tonight? Michael, are you volunteering? Come on up here, man."

A middle-aged man with brown hair rises and walks to the front of the room. "Hello. I'm Michael and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Michael!"

"I am what you might call your basic overachiever." Michael was puffing up a bit for effect. "I wasn't cheated on just once. That would be so ordinary. I got cheated on twice! The first time I was married for twelve years to a woman I adored. I had a good job. I worked hard and came straight home every night. I was faithful. I guess I was boring. I caught her with the neighbor. I never liked that guy. He had a cute wife, though." Michael smiled at his own implication. "No, I didn't do any of that. Like I said, I was boring. I told her. She kicked him out and eventually took him back. Less than a year later she caught him with another neighborhood bimbo. That was it. She gave him the boot."

Michael paused for a moment. "I spent a year just trying to get my life back together. Needless to say, I got a divorce. I mean, if I could keep it in my pants, why couldn't she? Sorry, ladies, but you know what I'm saying. A year down the road I met Debbie. She was divorced, but she was fun! Maybe she was too much fun. One day I was just going through the motions and the next day life was good again. I was happy. She was perfect. Or, she seemed to be. In Debbie's world, you don't worry about the little things. You do your work, you have fun, and you don't take anything too seriously. She was just what I needed, or I thought she was. The thing is, I'm not really that guy. I can only party one night, maybe two, each week. She was just a distraction from my pain, but I didn't see it."

"Six months down the road I popped the question. She was thrilled. I was beyond happy."

"The next night she went out to celebrate with her friends. The next week she went out with other friends. I think it was all legit, until it wasn't, but looking back I don't really know. Anyway, it was a month later when a buddy of mine spotted her out with another guy. He didn't know who the guy was, but he took some photographs with his cell. Let's just say her behavior wouldn't pass the fiancée test. Then he got them on video heading into the elevator to go up to the hotel rooms."

In his best Jack Nicholson imitation, he said, "Yeah, I'm a freakin' model of efficiency! I got her to cheat before we were even married!"

The group smiled, but there was pain in the humor.

"I think I was still running from my pain. I didn't take the time to get over the loss of my first marriage."

"When she finally admitted it, she told me he was her ex. She said the breakup was bad and she owed him closure. I couldn't help but think if she kept her knees closed, we'd still be engaged."

"Some people just aren't made to be monogamous. Life isn't a party. Parties are distractions from life. Don't get me wrong - I like a good party. It's just that life is what you live between the parties; and if the life isn't right, the parties won't fill the void."

"I made a big mistake. I got involved with a party girl because I forgot who I am. Then again, I have this awful feeling that I avoided making a much bigger mistake. So, on balance, I figure I'm coming out ahead!"

"I'm working to forgive her, or both of them, actually. I finally realize that life is too short. My first wife made a mistake that cost us our marriage. I still don't know why, but I've decided it doesn't matter. As for Debbie, she was just a bad match. I accept that and I'm grateful. I can't tell you why, but maybe it's just that I feel lucky that I found out about Debbie when I did. The anger and the pain are mostly gone. I'm moving on with my life. I'm actually happy with myself and I think part of the credit goes to this program. Once I admitted that anger wasn't making me happy, I started working at putting the anger behind me."

Michael paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. "Now if I could just learn to pick women who aren't so bat shit crazy! Sorry. Thank you for listening."

As Michael moved back to his seat, James took the podium. "Michael, if you don't mind my saying, you were an angry dude when you started coming here. I know we don't get the credit and you did all the hard work, but it really makes me happy to see you doing well and moving on like this. You're an inspiration to the rest of us, so please keep coming back. Now, who else would like to speak tonight?"

A tall man sitting in the front row rose to his feet. "Ben? Come on up and talk to us."

Ben needed only to take a few steps and turn. He looked the room over carefully before he began to speak. "Hello. My name is Ben and I cheated on my wife."

"Hi, Ben." The group was never quite as warm toward the cheaters as it was to those who were cheated on. I suppose that's because the cheaters were in the minority, or maybe the group just blamed cheaters for their pain.

"My story is about as ordinary as they come. I'm just ashamed that I was a part of it. In fact, I was the worst part. We married young, too young, and we didn't understand what we were doing. I thought it would be sex every night and she thought she'd be playing house. We forgot there'd be jobs, paying bills, and having to make decisions about the things that adults need to worry about. Discussions about unimportant things would degenerate into arguments. I will say I understand Michael's story very well. My wife wanted to party, and I was getting home from work tired. That created more fights. Three years into the marriage things were going downhill fast. That's when I got stupid, really stupid. It was a backyard party. I had too much to drink and my wife was flashing me dirty looks. Then one of her friends grabbed the front of my pants. Suddenly I was sober, or it seemed like it. She nodded toward the house. Long story short, I was six inches deep in blonde when my wife caught us. That was all she wrote. Marriage over."

"I don't know if our marriage would have survived if I'd not been stupid. I don't even know if my wife was being faithful all those times she went out with her girlfriends. It doesn't matter anymore. I did the deed and now I have to own it. I never thought I would be that guy. I never thought I would ever cheat on my wife. Even before I met her, I just figured I wasn't that kind of guy. I hate cheaters! And now I'm one of them and I have to live with that."

"The thing is, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are those who can forgive themselves anything and others nothing, and there are those who can forgive others and not themselves. I'm the latter. I know that other people will do things that disappoint me, things that shame them, but I never thought I'd be one of them. I don't like looking in the mirror every morning and seeing a damn cheater looking back. I know I'm supposed to forgive myself, but sometimes I wish it had been her that cheated. I feel like I could get over it more easily if she'd done it. I don't know how to forgive myself."

Ben paused for the longest time. "You want to hear a joke? That cute little blonde I got caught with? She won't even give me the time of day. She looks at me like I'm filth." Michael stood there shaking his head for a time. "Thanks for listening."

James stood up. "Thank you, Ben. We know that was hard to admit. Hang in there and keep coming back. We have time for one more story and if you don't mind, I'd like to speak tonight. It's been a long time since I've shared and lately, I've had a lot of conflicted thoughts that I'm trying to work through."

James stood still for a moment, quietly gathering his thoughts. Then he began. "You see, my parents were swingers. That's what they called them back when I was a kid. Now they call them `wife swappers' or `living an alternate lifestyle' or some such shit. I found out when I was still young, and my parents swore me to secrecy. They told me there was nothing wrong with what they were doing, but I knew that other kids my age didn't have parents having `sleepovers' with their friends. An eight-year-old kid shouldn't see a naked man who isn't his father walking out of his parent's bedroom in the morning and he shouldn't hear his mother having sex knowing she isn't with his dad. When you're eight you can't process that kind of information!"

"Then one day my parents sat us down and explained that they were getting a divorce. It was horrible. I felt like my world was ending. My father moved out and it wasn't long before my mother moved another man named Ted into our house. I recognized him from the sleepovers. His wife was really nice and I couldn't understand what happened to her. Eventually, my father explained to me that they had gotten divorced as well. After that, it seemed like dad just stopped having fun for a long time. It was years before I saw him with a real smile on his face. I mean, he tried for us kids, but a kid can tell when it's not real. My mother, on the other hand, seemed like she was always having a good time. It took about a year before the sleepovers started again. By then I was old enough to understand and I just stayed in my room whenever anyone outside the family was in the house. Three years after the sleepovers started up again Ted moved out. After that, there were sleepovers, but no one stayed longer than one night."

"Dad got remarried about five years after the divorce and I love his wife dearly. She's terrific. Dad and I had a sit down, heart-to-heart, when I got engaged and he said, `That stupid swinging was all your mother's idea. I went along with it to make her happy, but it always made me jealous and insecure. I guess in the end I had reason to be insecure. James, you know we love Janet like she was our own daughter.' Janet was my fiancée. `James, marriage is a way of life, not a lifestyle. Some people get some crazy ideas along the way. If Janet ever gets some crazy idea in her head, it's your job as the husband to stand up for yourself. There are no guarantees in marriage or life, but you need to stand up for yourself as much as you need to love and protect her. Don't ever make the mistake that I made.'"

"I laughed when he told me not to become a swinger. I saw what it did to his marriage and there was no way in hell I'd ever marry someone who wanted that. At least, that's what I thought. Joy told you she was married for seven years. It took Janet five. You always hear about a wife saying, `Honey, we need to talk.' It wasn't that way for me. It was `Dear, do you love me?' Some friends of hers got into her head with stories about how it would make our marriage stronger, how it would spice up our love life, how it wouldn't mean anything. She said there was this guy at work who was `really nice.' She knew all about my parents and the failure of their marriage, but she kept telling me we would be fine. I absolutely refused, but she persisted in talking about it as I grew increasingly concerned, until one night without warning she brought this `really nice guy' and one of her girlfriends home with her. The girlfriend was for me. I protested and tried to reason with her, but it was like she didn't even hear me. At some point I must have been in shock because I don't remember her walking away, and then I heard the bedroom door close and the lock engage. I just stood there not believing my own eyes and ears until I finally sat in the living room as my wife's slut friend tried to coax me into the guest bedroom. I ignored her until I heard the moans and screams of pleasure from my bedroom, and then I got up and walked out. I met my lawyer the next day and moved my stuff out of the house while she was at work a few days later."

"I never really understood how my father felt until that night and the nights after. I thought I did, but until you go through it you really don't know. The court ordered counseling. I was required to participate, so I did the minimum. Every time the therapist wanted me to speak to my wife, I asked the same question, `Why?' The answers were trite for the first few meetings and then eventually I guess I wore her down. She started being a little more honest. She eventually admitted that marriage was more adult than she was ready for. That's my word. The therapist eventually recommended that the divorce go forward."

"The program tells us to forgive and I guess to some degree I've done that. Janet wasn't ready for marriage. I just didn't realize it and maybe she didn't either. It's not the pain that haunts me and I've left the anger largely behind. What plagues me now is doubt. That's what a spouse's betrayal leaves you with. It takes your confidence, your sense of worth, and it leaves you with doubt. I doubt my manhood. I doubt my worth as a human being. You take a vow of forever and then they tell you that wasn't enough."

"Now I'm struggling with it in a whole new way. You see, I've met this great girl and she challenges me to be a good man. I love that about her. I work to be the kind of man that she deserves, but what I keep asking myself is, `What if she turns out to be another Janet, or another mom?' How do you tell? Am I doomed to just take a chance and see what happens? Can I live without looking over my shoulder all the time? I keep thinking there's something about me that doesn't work, and I don't know how to fix it because I don't know what it is. Anyway, I'm thinking if I take my time and have long talks with this wonderful woman, then maybe I can get over these doubts. I guess time will tell."

"Thank you for listening."

The group stood up and applauded their friend. They knew how much he'd given to the program and to all of them. His story left them searching for a way to repay him for his kindness and support.

The meeting broke up after James' story. Many hung around to talk and offer words of support. All told, it had been a good night.