Infidelity Anonymous 05: Jean

Infidelity Anonymous 05: Women's Night

This is the fifth installment in a series of stories about a fictitious organization designed along the lines of Alcoholics Anonymous where people who have cheated on their spouses, and the spouses they cheated on, can both find support and forgiveness as they work to rebuild their lives. There may well be an organization like this, and there are many organizations that attempt to meet the needs of those whose happiness has been destroyed by infidelity, but this creation is meant to be pure fiction.

*****

Claire was again moderating the meeting. In fact, it was Henry's turn, but Henry was suffering. His wife had taken her own life after betraying him with another man and he was still trying to unravel the chaos and confusion that had become his life. There was talk of her suffering from acute depression and maybe that was the reason she had cheated on him in the first place, but it was too late to ask her. Henry was trying to comfort their children, take comfort from his family, and put the pieces of his life back together. He was in no condition to moderate a meeting and chose, instead, to sit with the group and listen.

As Claire looked around the room, she could not help but notice there were an unusually large number of women in the room tonight. She wondered if that was significant, or was it just one of those things? Women confide in other women more easily than men talk with men, so women have a natural support group already and the meetings tend to be mostly men. Perhaps this was a new direction for the group?

Claire stepped forward. "Okay, everyone. Fill your coffee cup and get a slice of that coffee cake that Agnes brought in so we can get started. Thank you, Agnes. That cake is very good!

"We have some new faces tonight and lots of familiar ones, so let's just run through what we do here. We come together to help one another with the loss and the pain of infidelity. We are here both for those who are cheated on and for those who cheat. This is a healing place and we don't judge. Now, that said; Peter, that is one ugly tie! Where did you get that thing?"

Claire was chuckling as she said it and the group appreciated the joke. Starting an evening with humor can help to set a friendly tone for the night. Peter just smiled, shook his head, and removed his tie.

"Let's start as we always do by saying the Serenity Prayer."

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

"Okay, who would like to go first?"

A woman from the middle of the room raised her hand. Claire recognized her from past meetings, but she did not know the woman's name. She normally arrived late, didn't speak to many people, and left as soon as the meeting was over. Her willingness to speak struck Claire with surprise.

"Yes? Are you volunteering to share? Please, come up and share your story with us."

A tall woman with brown hair who looked to be thirty-something stepped to the front of the room. "Hello. My name is Jean and I'm a victim of infidelity."

"Hi, Jean!" The group was smiling and welcoming to their new member.

"I've been coming to these meetings for a few weeks now and listening to everyone share their stories. The truth is that I've been trying to sort through in my mind just what I'm thinking and feeling, but it's all too new. Actually, maybe it's all too old. I feel like I'm back in high school with all the same self-doubts and insecurities that I thought I'd left behind.

"You see, well, look at me! I'm not exactly Kim Kardashian. I'm freakishly tall and the only curve I've got is on the softball field. I went through high school hearing all the jokes. I was called 'flat as a board' and 'a carpenter's dream' and the boys would ask me when I was going to hit puberty. I told myself I was used to it, but you never get used to it. Then in college I met my husband and he didn't seem to care. He held me close when we danced and kissed me when he took me home. We got married right out of college and I thought he was happy. I knew I was."

Jean paused for a moment to gather her thoughts.

"We promised to house-sit for some neighbors. I was headed over to feed the cat, but I couldn't find the keys they'd lent us. I knew they kept a spare key hidden under a rock just in case, so I went over and let myself in. I heard noises upstairs, so I grabbed the bat they keep in the kitchen and headed up. Dumb, right? I know. I should have played it safe and called the cops. Instead, I caught my husband and a neighbor from down the street going at it. You know, bumping uglies? Playing hide the pickle? Well, in his case it's more like a gherkin. That was bad enough, but he knew I was jealous of that slut! She has a rack that..." Jean was holding her cupped hands in front of her chest. "I swear I don't think her feet get wet when it rains! It was so humiliating! Why didn't he just ask me for a divorce and be done with it?

"Well, he's getting the divorce now whether he wants it or not. The slut's husband is a gym rat, so he caught up with my soon-to-be ex-husband and expressed his displeasure nonverbally." Jean was smiling just a bit and she wasn't alone.

Her smile didn't last long. "It's funny how all the old insecurities come back. Well, it's not funny; it's odd. I thought I'd outgrown them, or at least I'd locked them away, but it turned out my ex had the key all the time. He unlocked them and now I'm back in high school. I'm even thinking about trying one of those on-line dating sites, but I don't think anyone would pick me."

From the back of the room, "I've got a cousin who's 6'1"! He'd be crazy about you!"

From the left side, "Forget that! I have a brother who's 6'3"!"

And from the other side, "Hey, what am I - chopped liver?!"

At last Jean was smiling. "Thank you all for listening. You made me feel better."

There was applause from around the room as Claire stepped to the front. "I should probably remind everyone that this is not a dating site?" Then turning to Jean, she said, "That said, I've met Georgia's cousin and he is pretty cute."

Jean was smiling even more now.

"Okay, would someone else like to share tonight?"

An older woman in the back of the room raised her hand. It was Barb. Claire knew her well and knew her story, but she hadn't seen Barb in almost a year.

"Yes, Barb, are you volunteering to share?"

"Yes, please." Barb stood and walked to the front of the room. "Hello. My name is Barb and I cheated on my husband."

"Hi, Barb!"

No matter the story, the group tries to be supportive and welcoming of all.

"I suppose another way of saying it is that I'm a victim of my own stupidity. It's been a long time since I've attended a meeting. I was coming for a time, but I told myself I was liberated, and great things lay ahead of me. You see, my husband caught me cheating on him. We were married almost twenty-five years. The kids were grown and either living on their own or off at college. The house was quiet. My husband was still working, and I felt like I was living just half a life. The kids didn't need me. My husband was attentive, but there were no surprises there. After twenty-five years of marriage I knew what he was going to say, what he was thinking, and what he would want. He'd be happy if I served him meatloaf every Tuesday, leftovers on Wednesdays, chicken on Thursdays, and spaghetti every Friday. It's not that my husband ignored me; it's quite the opposite, really. It's just that there was no excitement in my life.

"I met this man in the coffee shop one day and we shared a table. He was about my age and very different from my husband. My husband wore a suit to work every day. George was a retired mechanic who worked with his hands. He had these big, strong, very manly hands. He was funny and attentive. We started getting together for coffee regularly and then coffee became lunch and before long lunch became dinner. Then when my husband had to go out of town for one of his rare business trips, dinner became a night at his place. I crossed the line that night. I never had mentioned George to my husband, so I'd been failing the wife test for several months. I told myself it wasn't my fault, that I was taken for granted at home, that I was just a maid and a cook, but I was lying to myself.

"He caught me. Cheaters always get caught eventually. He was emotionally destroyed by my infidelity. He still functioned at work, but at home he shut down. He rarely spoke to me. I thought he was just mad, and I felt guilty for hurting him, but I told myself it was inevitable. I wasn't appreciated and I had to move on.

"It wasn't until the divorce was nearly final that I began to understand that what I really did was take everything from him that he had. His identity, his whole worth, was so tied up in our marriage and my love for him that when I cheated, I took it all away. I did that to him.

"I still kept moving on, looking for my new life, and I was seeing George regularly. At least, I was seeing him until he told me that he'd met someone else and we were through. My life didn't seem all that exciting after that. I made an effort, but I haven't been able to meet anyone new that interests me."

Barb seemed to grow pale and her voice faltered. "Here's the big surprise. My kids call me regularly and we talk. I guess I forgot, or maybe never really noticed, but they are really great kids. They are doing challenging things and they have this great self-image. They are everything I thought I was going to be, but I'm not. I finally realized that they got that from my husband, or maybe I should say my ex-husband.

"He and I talk occasionally. He has to talk to me. We see each other at family gatherings with the kids, but it just isn't the same. It's like he wants to be somewhere else, anywhere else, but not with me. I try to be pleasant, and I've told him it was all my fault until he doesn't want to hear it anymore, but I can't reach him.

"I know now that what I thought was predictable was comfortable. It was familiar. He was happy with meatloaf every Tuesday, but he didn't require it. That was me thinking that I knew what he wanted and not asking him. I could have told him that I wanted to go out to dinner more often, or take a vacation, or go dancing, but I never did. I thought I was the center of the family, but he was the center all along. The kids grew up to be like him and that says everything.

"He hasn't found anyone else, yet, so I'm trying to earn his forgiveness. I don't think my odds are good, but I know now that I threw away what I was looking for all along. He was what made my life interesting and challenging. I just didn't recognize the challenges when they were kicking me in the ass.

"I know this place is all about forgiving others and ourselves, but I can tell you this: I have no one to forgive but myself and that's the hardest forgiveness to earn.

"Thank you for listening."

The group showed their usual appreciation with applause, smiles, and quiet words of good wishes. Cheaters don't usually get the warmest reception at these meetings, but everyone could see that Barb was suffering for her actions. Revenge doesn't heal anyone, and they knew the world would be a better place if both Barb and her ex could find happiness.

Claire stepped to the front of the room. "Thank you, Barb. I know that was hard to say. You have friends here and we hope you keep coming back. The night is still young, so would anyone else like to share?"

Claire saw a familiar face on the left side of the room raise her hand. She was familiar and a frequent visitor in recent months, but she had never shared her story or spoken with many of the group. "Are you volunteering to share?" She saw a nod of the woman's head. "Please, come on up."

"Hello. My name is Betty and I'm not entirely sure how to describe myself."

"Hi, Betty!"

"You see, I'm closing in on forty, but if you tell anyone I'll deny it."

That got a quiet chuckle from the room.

You could tell in an instant that Betty was painfully shy. While she spoke, she rarely looked up and never scanned across the room. At times she seemed to be speaking to the floor. "I recently got engaged, but I've never been married before. I guess I was a bit of a wallflower facing the possibility of becoming an old maid." She smirked at her own joke, but she wasn't really laughing. "I don't really know why I was single for so long. I worked a lot, but not that much. I like men. It just seems like I never clicked with anyone.

"I have a lot of married friends and I suppose I was sometimes a bit jealous of what they had. Don't get me wrong. I always respected their marriages. It's just that sometimes I wondered if I respected their marriages more than they did. For the most part, I knew and liked their husbands. We would get together for cookouts or parties and it was always fun, but some of my friends would flirt with the other husbands. I guess I'm a bit of a prude. Maybe that's why I was single for so long. I just never liked that. I mean, why flirt with someone if there is no chance of it going anywhere? Do some women need that much reassurance? Don't they know any other way to interact with a man? Can't a woman be a friend and supportive of a man without teasing them with the unobtainable? At least, that's what I thought.

"I had a friend named Bonnie. We were close and we worked at the same place. She used to flirt shamelessly with the men in the office and I used to watch her. I always assumed she didn't mean anything by it, but in time I started to resent her for it. Her husband, Tom, is a great guy. Her flirting was dishonoring him. I mean, isn't it enough to greet a man with a warm smile, be attentive, and work pleasantly with him? Did she have to throw in those extra looks, those touches, those ridiculous winks and suggestive remarks, and the extra sway in her hips as she walked away? I told myself I was just a prude and never spoke to her about it.

"Eventually, I noticed she started going to lunch with one of the married men in the office. Then the lunches got longer and the smiles on her face when she returned were bigger until she eventually took a few afternoons off. I wasn't the one who dropped the dime on her, but someone must have. I remember the day when the process server came into the office and told her, 'You've been served.' After that, her life wasn't worth shit. Excuse me!

"All her friends tried to console her, but she did it to herself. I mean, I felt sorry for her, but everybody knows the rules. I've spent a lot of nights wondering if I could have been a better friend to her. Maybe I should have spoken up long before it became too late. Maybe if I'd told her she was playing with fire she might have stopped before she got burned. I was just too afraid that I'd lose her friendship if I confronted her. I suppose I also wondered if I just had an old maid's view of things."

Betty paused for a moment to reflect on what she'd said and gather her thoughts.

"Anyway, that's not exactly why I've been coming here. You see, I feel guilty. When Bonnie lost her husband, I found him. It was several months into their divorce when I ran into him having dinner alone in a local restaurant. He looked pitiful sitting there alone. I walked up, asked if I could join him, and he immediately seemed to brighten. We spent a lovely evening just talking over dinner. When desert came, we shared a slice of cheesecake and two cups of coffee. It was really very nice. I didn't think anything of it at the time since we've been friends for so long. He just needed someone to listen to him.

"I was a little surprised when he called later the next week and asked me to have dinner with him again, but I still just thought it was dinner with a friend. Then he asked me again. He had so much anger and hurt. When he started smiling and laughing more, I was happy that he was healing. After a couple more dinners it started to become something more. I always liked Tom, and I started thinking maybe I should pickup what Bonnie threw away.

"So, I did.

"It was maybe six weeks after that first dinner together. I invited him in for coffee and he stayed for breakfast. I never thought about Bonnie once in all that time. After that, we've been almost inseparable. That's why I've been coming here. I never told my friend she was playing with fire and then I slept with her husband before their divorce was final. I mean, it's not like I broke them up, but I didn't exactly help them get back together, either."

The group was looking at each other. They weren't entirely sure what to make of this. It wasn't the sort of story they normally heard. Betty was feeling genuine guilt over her actions, but most people in the room were happy for her.

"Anyway, the wedding is just two weeks away and I don't want to enter this new marriage with guilt hanging over my head. I keep asking myself if what I did was wrong, and I keep coming up undecided. I mean, I don't want my happiness to come at the expense of someone else. I could have been a better friend to Bonnie, but I don't know if it would have made any difference. I guess I'm still looking for absolution for a sin I don't know if I committed and I'm running out of time.

"Thank you all for listening. Sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense."

The group gave Betty a warm applause and many of the group spoke briefly with her as she made her way back to her seat.

Claire stepped back to the front of the room. "Thank you, Betty, for sharing that. You know, we aren't really in the answer business so much as the support business, but I'd love to have more friends like you."

That remark brought another round of applause.

"We still have time for at least one more. Would anyone else like to share?"

A hand went up on the right side of the room. "Yes, please, come up!"

A sad looking woman walked to the front of the room, turned and faced the group. There was an audible gasp from the left. "Hello. I'm Bonnie."

The room seemed to fall apart in a disorganized attempt to say, "Hi, Bonnie.", but it was a garbled and almost unintelligible mess. Everyone was looking back at Betty and then to Bonnie, wondering what was about to happen.

"This is my first night here. My divorce was final a few months ago. You see, everything that Betty said is true. I was an unrepentant flirt and I had a stupid affair with a man I work with. It cost me my husband.

"Betty, you didn't cause my divorce. I did that all by myself. I was a stupid slut and I cheated on Tom. Nobody made me do it. I just did it because I could and because I was still an immature little bitch who didn't know how good she had it. You're right about all that flirting. Losing a good man can cure a girl of that real fast."

Bonnie paused for a moment to gather her courage and resolve.

"Betty, I want to wish you and Tom every happiness. I know I'll never have him back. Like he told me, it wasn't just one poor choice with too much alcohol. It was a systematic campaign of lies and betrayal. Betty, we've been friends forever and I hope you never feel uncomfortable around me. I did this. No one else. You deserve to be happy. I am genuinely happy for you both and I want to wish you all the best."

With that, Bonnie walked back to her friend and they embraced. Both women cried as the group gave their support through applause. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Claire stepped to the front of the room. "Well, I was planning to share my own story tonight, but I can't think of a better way to end the meeting than this. I want to wish all of you happiness and peace. Good night."

With that the meeting came to an end. The group put away their chairs and cleaned the room, saying goodbye with a last joke or a word of friendship as two women stood in the middle of the room, hugging and crying, oblivious to the world around them.