Into the Depths of Madness

She pulled up to the gas station, spotting no one else. There was only one other car, and it belonged to the cashier inside. As Eleanor began filling the tank, her eyes wandered to the surrounding area. I was a beautiful day to be outside. Her eyes finally fell on a homeless man, digging in the trash on the shady side of the building. He had a shaggy head of hair and a long black overcoat.

Eleanor was shaken from her daze by the ringing of the gas pump, signaling that the tank was full. She hooked up the nozzle and walked into the station to pay. She stood by the counter, waiting for the cashier to finish organizing cigarettes. Again, Eleanor's mind drifted, this time returning to the homeless man she had seen outside. Something didn't seem quite right...

The gas station was miles away from town, so why would a homeless person walk all the way out here? Not to mention the fact that he would have been picked up by police if he walked along the side of the highway, plus the fact that there wasn't any food out here in the wilderness. That guy wasn't out here looking for food; he was traveling cross-country.

"Uh, excuse me..." The cashier said, drawing her attention. Apparently that wasn't the first time he tried to get an answer.

"Sorry, I've been zoning out a lot today." She said shakily, handing the cashier a credit card. As she paid for the gas, her suspicions did not go away. Her credit card was returned to her and she walked outside. Halfway to her car, she came to a dead stop.

She had seen almost a hundred homeless people in town; one wearing a black overcoat and digging in the trash was pretty common. But if there was even the slightest chance that the man at the side of the building was who she thought, she had to see it to the end.

After taking a deep breath, she walked over to the side of the building, where the stranger was still searching for food in the trashcan. He hadn't noticed her, but even with his face hidden under matted hair, she knew it was him. It wasn't until he began coughing into his hand and leaving splatters of blood on his palm that she was completely sure.

"It really is you." She gasped.

Carter turned to her and his eyes widened at the sight of her beautiful face. The face that had been haunting him for days was staring at him now. Her beauty brought waves of relief to his cold soul, like sunlight after weeks of a cloudy weather. But along with relief, just the sight and existence of this woman filled him with more pain than he could endure. He staggered back, coughing into his hand with his eyes filled with pain and misery, just like last time. The man who had just gone on a killing spree looked no more dangerous than a warzone orphan. Eleanor's fear of him was gone, replaced by sympathy, regardless of what she had seen him do.

"No, wait!" Eleanor called out as he turned around and ran into the woods.

Desperate for answers, Eleanor chased after him, sprinting through the forest. Carter's steps were clumsy and erratic as he tried to run, but his bloody cough was making it next to impossible to breath. Even with this handicap, he managed to elude his pursuer.

Carter fell to his knees, coughing up so much blood that a crimson puddle was forming beneath his face.

"Why... Why? Why! WHY!" He snarled, slamming his fists on the ground.

'Kill her...' A voice whispered in the back of his mind.

"No, shut up." He growled.

'She is no different than the others, she is no less guilty.' Another argued.

"I said shut up!" He ordered, even louder.

'Kill her!' Another yelled, so loudly that Carter winced. With his hands over his ears, he looked up at the sky.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" He shouted at the top of his lungs.

Eleanor was finally forced to stop and catch her breath, swearing in frustration. She was so close to figuring out who the killer was and why he spared her life, but now he was gone. Reluctantly, she turned around to walk back to her car. After only a few steps, she heard his voice call out. He seemed to be shouting in pain and was more than loud enough for her to follow him. As his tormented voice echoed through the forest, Eleanor followed the noise and finally found him, but kept her distance.

Carter was on his knees in a small clearing, gripping his head as if his scalp was on fire. But with the agony in his voice and how loud he was shouting, it seemed like that's what he was really experiencing.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" He howled, clawing at his ears while tears poured from his eyes. Eleanor was breathless, finally being able to see the pain that the man she had been obsessing over was dealing with. He wasn't evil, just sick and in agony.

"BE QUIET! I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER ANYMORE, JUST LET ME BE IN PEACE!" He roared, trying to silence the voices in his mind, all of which were shouting so loudly that they could drown out a grenade explosion. He then ran over to the nearest tree and began slamming his head against it, trying to beat the voices into submission, but only leaving a bloody gash on his forehead.

Carter finally fell to the ground, sobbing as blood and tears fell from his face. Eleanor silently stepped into the clearing and slowly walked over to him, no longer feeling any fear. She crouched down and placed her hand on his cheek, causing his eyes to bolt open and him to stare at her.

"Who are you?" She asked. Carter did not reply, but his whole body was trembling.

"Who are you? I have to know!" Eleanor demanded. When Carter didn't reply, tears began to fall from her own eyes and pelt his face, just like when his blood pelted hers.

"I saw what you did, I saw all the people you killed. I want to be afraid of you, I want to hate you, and I want to see you as the monster that has killed so many innocent people. But whenever I think of you, in my heart, I want to help you. Please, I have to know why I am feeling this way." She said softly.

"I don't know. I don't want to see hatred in your eyes, but neither do I want to see kindness. I don't deserve anything from you. Just forget about me." He said with a raspy voice.

"Why did you spare my life?" Eleanor asked, desperate for the answer that had been plaguing her for days.

"I couldn't bear to hurt you." He cursed through gritted teeth.

"But why? Why me? Why couldn't you just end my life? Why couldn't you just kill me so that I wouldn't have to be alone anymore?" She begged, unable to maintain her composure.

Carter and Eleanor stared at each other, both trying to think of something to say. Carter's heart ached to hear her say those words and Eleanor couldn't believe how honest she was being with a total stranger.

"Why couldn't you just let me die?" She whispered with her whole body shaking.

"I don't know what you have been through, but it seems like you have been through pain as well." Carter said softly.

"I just don't know what to do to be happy. I don't want to be miserable anymore, but I don't know anything else. I don't even know if I can be happy." She murmured.

Carter slowly reached up and placed his shaky hand on her cheek.

"I was happy one time, but I will never be happy again. That is my fate." He replied.

"What's your name? I'm Eleanor." She asked softly, clutching his hand.

"Carter." He said with a raspy breath. For the first time in a long time, Eleanor smiled. Carter was about to smile, but his bloody coughing returned.

"Let me take you to the hospital, a doctor should look at that cough." She said without losing her smile.

"I already know my disease and there is no cure for what I have." He sighed.

"Do you know how long you have?" Eleanor asked, taking Carter's hand off her cheek but clutching it with both of hers.

"A month, maybe more, maybe less. But that is only how I feel. For all I know, this cough could just be a minor inconvenience and I could live a long and full lifetime." He hummed.

"Well how do you plan on spending that time?" She asked.

"By killing." He whispered. Eleanor lost her smile.

"Why? Why do you have to kill?" She asked.

"For vengeance, for punishment." He said simply but sadly.

"But the people you killed at that party have done nothing to you." Eleanor replied. Carter stared deep into her eyes before speaking.

"They are all guilty, but not for any crimes against me." He said.

"But you don't need to kill. I know you're mind is sick, but if you can get the right medicine, you won't be tormented by those voices anymore. You don't have to live and die this way." She said, placing her soft hand on his cheek, like he had done to her.

"Yes I do, it is my only path." He replied.

"You say your only path is one that you kill, but you didn't kill me. Tell me, why did you spare my life?" She asked again. Carter was silent and could not meet her gaze.

"If I can help you so that you no longer need to kill, will you answer my question?" She offered.

"No." Carter responded.

"Are you saying that because you want to continue killing or because you can't imagine your fate as anything different?" She asked, gaining a small smile of understanding. Carter did not respond.

"Please, let me help you." She pleaded.

"I don't deserve help. I don't deserve kindness or happiness, I only deserve pain, and that is all my life is and will be." He replied, again unable to meet her gaze.

"Let me show you different. Please, for me." She murmured. Carter looked deep into her eyes, trying to come up with an argument so that he could resume his miserable existence the way it was.

"For you." He finally said. Eleanor's smile widened, growing brighter than ever in her life.

With his arm over her shoulder, Eleanor helped Carter walk back to her car.

"We'll spend the night here." Eleanor said as she unlocked the door of the motel room. Carter was silent and had an unsure look on his face. They stepped inside and turned on the lights, looking around the subpar room.

The motel dwelling was pretty standard, and could actually be considered comfortable (as long as you ignored all of the nearly invisible stains and germs). The bed was queen-sized with yellow sheets, matching the tacky 70's wallpaper and the red shag carpet. Next to the bed was a bedside stable, with a small dinner table and two chairs ten feet away. Against the wall was a small TV and a mini-fridge on a bureau, covered in rings from over a hundred beer bottles and cans.

"Where would you normally sleep?" Eleanor asked, noting that Carter almost seemed lost in the motel room.

"Anywhere warm enough to stay alive." He said without looking at her.

"What do you mean 'enough to say alive'?" She asked. Carter crouched down and pressed down on the bed with his hand.

"I would look for a place that would at least keep me alive, but I would do everything I could to avoid being comfortable." He said softly.

"Why didn't you want to be comfortable?" Eleanor asked, walking over and placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Because I don't deserve it." He said simply.

"Well what did you eat?" She asked. Carter finally looked at her.

"Anything I could find, but only enough to keep me alive." He repeated.

"Why do you want to help me?" He asked. The longer he looked into her beautiful eyes, the more relief he felt.

"Because you need it. You're sick, mentally and physically. I don't know why you kill, but you don't need to do it. If you can get the help you need, then you will no longer be a danger to society and you can live in peace. You spared my life, so now I want to save yours." She murmured.

"There is no peace for me, I can never be happy or content. For me, there is only pain. Why on earth would someone like you want to help someone like me? How do you expect me to believe that you won't call the police or haven't already?" He asked sadly.

"Give me the chance to show you that there is still hope. I don't believe you are a monster, just someone with a broken heart and an unstable mind. I won't hand you over to the police, unless of course I am unable to help you. Here, lay down." She replied, motioning to the bed.

Reluctantly, Carter laid down on the bed and Eleanor lifted up his shirt, examining the wound he had received at the party. The ring of lacerations had closed and was now a dark scar. The fact that it didn't seem to be infected was a miracle. But while she examined it, she couldn't help but notice that he was practically skin and bones.

"Your injury seems to be ok, but have you done anything at all to take care of it?" She asked.

"No." Carter replied with a raspy voice, unable to meet her gaze.

"Do you do anything to take care of your body?" She inquired, already knowing the answer.

"I don't deserve to be healthy. This body is worthless, it serves no purpose other than to take people's lives and fill my own life with agony. If I bleed, I let it stop on its own. If I'm cold, I just ignore it and keep moving. If I'm hungry, I find whatever is even slightly edible and eat just enough to keep me from starving." He stated before coughing up blood into his hand.

"You're punishing yourself." Eleanor whispered.

"It's what I deserve." He repeated, finally looking into her eyes. Several silent moments passed by, with the two tormented souls just staring at each other.

"I think getting cleaned up will do you the most good right now." Eleanor suggested, backing off to the foot of the bed.

Carter still couldn't believe what was happening. For weeks, his mind had been occupied solely by pain and misery. Now, this beautiful woman was being more kind to him than he thought possible. He looked around the motel room, almost expecting it to shatter as nothing but a dream and to wake up in the woods.

Barely aware of what he was doing, Carter slowly got to his feet and began limping to the bathroom, but Eleanor quickly stopped him. She stepped behind him and gently removed his coat.

"Thank you." He murmured, almost confused by her actions.

Once Carter stepped into the bathroom, Eleanor set the dirty overcoat down on one of the chairs. But as it left her hand, Carter's handmade sword fell out of the mediocre sheath hidden inside, bouncing on the shag carpet. Eleanor froze as she gazed at the weapon, still covered in blood. She slowly crouched down and picked up the blade, holding it with shaky hands.

As she examined the blade, she could hear Carter in the shower. The single-edged sword was by no means master-crafted. It seemed more like a strip of heavy metal that had just been beaten into a sword form using rocks and a trashcan fire. Like Carter's lifestyle, the blade offered no comfort to the user. The thin fabric handle did not protect the user from the rough edges of the metal, it only served to keep the sword from falling out of the user's hand. Eleanor couldn't imagine using it without her hand being torn up.

In the bathroom, Carter was scrubbing off so much blood and grime that the water on the shower floor was dark brown. In all honesty, he was only using the shower because Eleanor suggested it. Under normal circumstances, he would not have used it, as he believed he did not deserve such a luxury. But now that he finally had the opportunity, he had to admit that it was great.

Once all the dirt that could be removed without a hammer and chisel was washed off, Carter put down the bar of soap (which was now half its original size and looked like a crumbling brick), stepped out of the shower, and looked down at the sink counter, where a small personal hygiene set had been laid out by the motel staff.

While the motel was maybe only one star (at most), the complimentary gifts were surprisingly thorough. There was a set of shaving razors, a small can of shaving crème, two packaged toothbrushes, a small tube of toothpaste, tampons, cologne, deodorant, and just about anything else that someone spending the night would need. Someone at this motel was definitely taking their pride in their work.

As he rubbed shaving creme on his face, she stared at himself in the mirror. Once again, he was only doing it because Eleanor suggested it. Ever since they had first spoken, something within him instantly became loyally bound to her, like an old hunting dog following its owner.

As the sound of the door handle shaking rang through the motel room, Eleanor quickly stashed the sword back in the sheath in Carter's overcoat. Carter stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. The man and woman stared at each other and each gained a very small but very warm smile. It was actually the first time either of them had smiled in a very long time.

With his hair combed back and his face shaved, Eleanor had to admit that Carter was much more handsome than before. By taking a shower, Carter felt like his senses had been cleaned as well as his body. His hearing was much sharper, his eyesight didn't blur everything he saw (something that had happened without him even noticing), and with it, his view of Eleanor had been enhanced. She was even more beautiful than before, with every facial feature clearer than glass. Radiant was an understatement. But soon, Carter's smile faded.

"For your sake, I should get going. Your life would be better if I wasn't around." He said.

"Please, don't go." Eleanor murmured.

"Why... Why are you trying to help me? Why are you being so kind to me? Why in the world would you care about someone like me?" He asked, taking a few steps towards her.

"Because you need help, you need someone to be kind to you." She said softly, taking a few steps towards him.

"But why you? Why don't you just hand me off to the police? Why is it so important that you are the one to help me?" He asked, taking a few more steps towards her. They were standing less than a foot apart. Carter's face was stricken with sadness and Eleanor was silent as she tried to come up with a response. Finally, she reached up and placed her hand on Carter's cheek.

"Because maybe you can help me." She whispered.

Just as Carter was about to respond, he began coughing uncontrollably, falling to his knees and trying to keep blood from splattering on Eleanor. Eleanor quickly crouched down, and before she knew what she was doing, she had her arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

Once Carter finally stopped coughing, Eleanor smelled the air and smiled.

"Thanks for brushing your teeth." She said, almost making Carter laugh.

A sudden knock on the door sent Carter sprawling back to the bathroom, fearing the police.

"Don't worry, I just ordered takeout!" Eleanor quickly said, trying to calm him down. As Eleanor paid for the food with the door only half open, Carter kept his eyes focused on his coat on the nearby chair, trying to figure out how quickly he could grab his sword if he needed it.

Carter gave a sigh of relief when a bag of Chinese takeout came into view.

"Don't worry, you're safe with me. I won't just hand you over to the police." Eleanor said warmly. Carter gained a sad smile as she set the food down on the table.

"I'm not sure what you like, so I just got a lot of simple stuff." She said.

"Don't worry, you can have it all. I ate yesterday, so I don't need anything for today." Carter declined, trying to be polite. Eleanor lost her smile.

"Please Carter, eat with me. You can eat more than just the absolute minimum. Just this once, try and be happy instead of torturing yourself." She pleaded.

"As you wish." Carter reluctantly said, making Eleanor smile.

They both sat down at the table and began eating. Before he even knew what he was doing, Carter was devouring every last bit of food he could get his hands on. For the first time in her life, Eleanor was struggling not to laugh as she watched him become a human garbage disposal. She was almost afraid to reach out past her own food on the chance that she could lose her hand. She actually had to match his speed so that he wouldn't take all the food for himself. After twenty minutes, Carter and Eleanor both sat back and sighed in bliss, holding their full stomachs.