Into the Depths of Madness

"You know, I can't remember the last time I ate with someone like this; enjoying a meal with someone." Eleanor said with a sad smile.

"What do you mean?" Carter asked. Eleanor lost her smile.

"My parents never cared about me, they never gave me anything. When they weren't screaming at each other, they were completely ignoring me. I was always terrified that my father would molest me or my mother would beat me. I learned early on to make my own meals and avoid them.

Outside of my house, I was always too scared to make friends, but I was so lonely that I was actually physically sick from my depression. I basically went through my entire school life without touching anyone. I can't even remember ever having a real conversation with anyone at school.

When I first came to college, I met Anna. She personally assigned herself the position of my life-coach. She is probably the only friend I've ever had, but I was too scared to leave my dorm room, and she often had to drag me to social situations because she was obsessed with making me develop social skills. My whole life, I've been lonely, but too scared to go out and talk to people. I guess I'm lucky to have Anna to pull me out of my shell." She mused half-heartedly. Several silent moments passed by.

"I used to know someone like that." Carter said softly.

Carter was in the bathroom, washing his clothes in the sink and hanging them up on the shower curtain rod to dry. He set up the hairdryer with them, blowing on full blast. They would be dry enough for him to sleep in after just an hour. However, he wasn't sure where he was going to sleep, and he wasn't the only one wondering,

"Ok... Ok, thank you." Eleanor nervously said, putting down the motel phone. She was sitting on the bed and had just been talking to the motel manager, asking if an extra cot could be sent to her room for Carter to use. Unfortunately, there weren't any.

Carter stepped out the bathroom and Eleanor quickly spun around. From just looking into her eyes for a single moment, Carter instantly knew what she was thinking.

"My clothes should be dry in about an hour, then I can just sleep outside. I'm used to sleeping on the ground, I'll be fine." He said, quickly trying to avoid her gaze.

"You don't have to sleep outside, don't feel like you have to punish yourself. Besides, I want to keep you close by." She said softly.

"Alright, I'll just sleep on the floor." He established, hoping that she wouldn't push him.

"Carter..." She whispered. He looked up and stared into her eyes.

"The bed is big enough for us to share." She said nervously, placing her hand on the other side of the mattress. Carter sighed.

"Why are you so unafraid of me? Why are you willing to be so close and open with me? You're saying that you're ok with sharing a bed with me. Eleanor, I'm a total stranger to you, I'm a stranger that has killed more people than I can even count. Why are you so desperate to help me?" He asked. Eleanor looked away, trying to come up with an answer. In all honesty, she had no idea why she was acting this way. She have never been this friendly, this open, and this charitable with anyone in her entire life.

"I'll only answer your question if you answer mine first: Why do you kill? Why are you so desperate to punish innocent people and punish yourself? I know your schizophrenic, but there has to be more." She countered.

"The answer to that question ties into why I spared your life." Carter said, making Eleanor's eyes widen. He sat down on the bed and turned to her.

"When my mother was pregnant with me, my parents had the mental illness test taken while I was developing, to see if I had any increased risks before being born. They found out that I would have serious schizophrenia and neither of them was willing to go through the strain of raising a mentally ill child. Unfortunately, they weren't kind enough to just abort me and free me from the tortures of a wretched existence. I was put into foster care the second I was born, cast aside by parents who wanted nothing to do with a sick child.

Throughout my life, I received barely any attention or help as I suffered from my disorder. The voices in my mind were so intense that I did not have the will to disobey them, making people hate me for the things I did. I was adopted countless times, but no idealist couple with the dreams of rescuing an orphan could withstand the results of my insanity and the crimes that the voices made me commit.

But halfway through high school, when I was at the peak of my suicidal desires, I fell in love with a beautiful and sweet girl. Her name was Claire, and she alone was able to make the voices in my head be silent, when all medication and therapy had failed.

We were so in love; she was my whole reason for living and the keystone for any sanity I could achieve, and she saw herself as my guardian angel and wanted to spend her life with me. We went to the same college because we couldn't bear to be in a long-distance relationship. She even stayed with me after I was diagnosed with cancer, saying that if I lost the fight and my life was taken, she would take her own life to be with me. I thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together." Carter said as tears began to fall from his eyes. Eleanor was shaking with her eyes wide.

"What kind of cancer do you have?" She asked.

"Of all of them, you could say it's the bad kind. Other than that, there is no point in describing it.

There was just one thing I wish had been different. While Claire had a heart of gold, she liked to wear scantily clad and revealing outfits, almost to the point where her wardrobe was the complete opposite of her personality. I couldn't understand why she wore the things she did and I often begged her to not be so revealing. She saw no harm in it and continued to dress that way, even though it aggravated me that she drew the attention and lewd behavior of every man in the area.

Then one night, my whole world came crashing down. Claire was always trying to get me to socialize with other people, often dragging to social events so that I could learn to be open with more people instead of relying entirely on her as my link to the outside world.

She brought me to a campus party. At one point, we were separated and I went to go look for her. I searched the entire house, trying to find her in the dense crowds of people. I finally went outside, hoping that she had come out to get some fresh air. All alone outside, I heard a muffled scream in the woods behind the house.

Recognizing the voice, I rushed into the woods and found them... Five men, all of them her trusted friends and good people... They were all raping her and laughing as they did it. They had only become her friends so that they could trick her into trusting them and then use her." Carter said bitterly. Eleanor gasped and tears began to fall from her own eyes. Carter then began to chuckle hysterically, while crying at the same time.

"Do you know what it's like to base your entire world and will to live on one person? To love them with all your heart and soul and devote every aspect of your existence to them? And then watch as they are betrayed and ravaged before your eyes? The person you cherished above all else, being used as a sex toy and tortured by their friends?

When I found them, I lost control and attacked, but they easily overpowered me. While three of them continued to rape the woman I love, two of them beat me to within an inch of my life, yelling at me to watch. Claire and I were both sobbing and begging them to stop, but they just laughed. They asked why Claire dressed up the way she did if she didn't want to be fucked like a whore.

They beat me half to death and forced me to watch as they gang-banged her. The woman I loved was being violated in every way possible while I could do nothing but take blow after blow. Finally, Claire's cries stopped, and I realized that she had passed away. I don't know if the strain of the abuse caused her heart to stop or she completely lost the will to live, but she died. They had raped her to death, destroying the one good thing in my life. They then focused on me, continuing to beat me until they thought I was dead.

They left me there, laughing as they returned to the party and talking about how Claire loved being used and saying that they wished they could have raped her longer. I sat there, more dead than alive. My heart was gone, my soul was gone, and all that was left was pain.

The woman I loved had been taken away from me in the most brutal way possible, leaving me with a disease-riddled body and a shattered mind. Every aspect of my existence was gone, leaving only pain and vengeance.

Sitting on the ground, covered in blood, I did not resist as the voices in my mind returned after years of peace, telling me to commit more crimes. Only this time, I did not care. I wanted vengeance. Ignoring the agony that racked my broken body, I walked back to the party and grabbed the first thing I saw outside that I could use as a weapon, a crowbar. I stepped into that house and it was as if my eyes and mind had changed, letting me understand what the pain that I had endured." Carter said. He then stood up with his back to Eleanor. When he resumed speaking, it was with a raised voice.

"I looked around wildly at all the people at the party. All the girls dressed in their slutty outfits like Claire and all the guys hitting on them with devious thoughts in their minds like the people I thought were her friends. I saw them for what they were; nothing more than sirens and monsters.

All the girls were standing around like whores on a street corner, taunting the men and baiting them, while expecting no harm to come to them. Eventually the men would show their true nature, throwing aside all civility and choosing instead to take whatever they wanted, even if it meant torturing for their own amusement and violating innocent women.

The one light in my life was taken away, all because of this cycle or perversion. Everyone there was guilty, they had all contributed in the taking of my dearly beloved. With a roar of vengeance, I began to slaughter them all, first killing the men that had raped Claire and then killing everyone at the party.

From that point on, the sole purpose in my life was to achieve vengeance and punish the morally guilty. I turned that crowbar into a sword, transforming it from a meaningless tool into a symbol of retribution. There was no going back from then on. The voices in my mind had always told me to commit horrible crimes, and it was Claire who taught me how to disobey them. But without her, I saw no reason to fight them. I neither obeyed them nor ignored them; they told me to kill and I did, but not for them. I killed for Claire and for the agony in my heart." Carter said coldly.

Both he and Eleanor were completely silent. The only sound was Eleanor's tears dripping onto the bed sheets. Carter then broke the silence by stepping into the bathroom and retrieving something. He walked back to the bed and held out his hand to Eleanor, with a folded photograph sitting on his palm.

"This is why I could not bear to harm you." He said softly as Eleanor slowly picked up the photo and unfolded it. She gasped with her hands shaking as she stared at the picture. The image was of Carter and Clair together and smiling, with Claire resembling Eleanor to the point that they could be considered exact clones.

"This is why I could not bear to harm you. Because I do not want to lose you again." Carter said with a raspy voice.

The night was an awkward one, with neither Carter nor Eleanor getting any sleep. They were both on the fringes of the bed, with Carter sleeping in his pants and Eleanor sleeping in a nightgown. Whenever one of them would roll towards the middle, the other would roll away, as neither had the nerve to face the other.

It was about two in the morning, and it was Carter's turn to face Eleanor, with Eleanor's back to him. The moonlight was shining through the motel window, giving her pale skin a white aura and reflecting off her dark hair. The longer he stared at her, the more he began to feel a very familiar sensation. It was a form of heartache, once that brought both pain and relief.

At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to move closer to her, as at that moment, he couldn't remember the last time he had felt so safe and relaxed. He longed to hold onto Eleanor, but was also terrified of the possibility of her rejecting him and being upset with him. This fear both taunted and excited him, as he spent the dark minutes pondering what to do, while admiring Eleanor's beautiful body, lightly hidden by her thin nightgown.

After what felt like an eternity, he finally worked up the courage and slowly moved over to her, while trying to shake the bed as little as possible. Lying just a few inches from Eleanor, Carter held his breath, afraid to make the next move. Finally, he slowly wrapped his arm around her slender waist and pressed himself against her, savoring the feeling of her warm back against his bare chest. He brought his head closer to hers, with his chin against the back of her shoulder, and the sweet smell of her soft silky hair filling his senses.

This was the same way he used to hold Claire, and there were no words that could even begin to describe how good it felt and how much he missed it. The sweet smell of her hair, the warmth of her body, the softness of her skin against his lips, the sound of her gentle breathing; he relished it all. It was both so similar to when he was with Claire that he almost wanted to whisper her name, but it was also very unique. Holding Eleanor in his arms felt different than holding Claire, but it still felt as sweet and calming.

"Carter..." Eleanor said softly, making him tense up. Was this a mistake? Should he back away? His fears were extinguished when Eleanor wrapped her hand around his and pressed herself more tightly against him.

"I never answered your question before. I never told you why I was so unafraid of you and why I was so open and kind to you. Why I treated you like you weren't a stranger...

At that party, when I was on the stairs and you were standing over me, I had never felt more at home then when I looked into your eyes. I knew you had killed people, and I had just watched you take so many innocent lives. But looking into your eyes, I felt so safe and secure. It was like looking into the eyes of a stray dog that just wanted a home and to be loved.

After you fled, I was so desperate to feel that warmth again. Every thought I had was about you, every dream I had was of finding you. I wanted to see you again so badly that it took me forever just to wash your blood off my face, because it felt like I was washing away my one connection to you." She whispered. She then rolled over and he stared into her beautiful blue eyes, which seemed to be glowing in the dark.

"I have not felt as much pain as you have, I know that. But like you, my life has been shaped by misery and loneliness. I was so desperate to find you again, because I was hoping that maybe I could remove your pain and you could remove mine. I didn't care about you're crimes and I didn't care about the people you killed. All I cared about was finding you again, because maybe, just maybe, we could fall in love..." She cooed. She then leaned forward and pressed her lips against his. Her lips were so soft, they were like kissing rose petals, and her breath was like sweet perfume.

"...And be together forever." She whispered. Carter took a deep shuddering breath before responding.

"When I first saw your face, I thought I was being punished for my crimes. I thought the face of the woman I loved, as some sort of cruel joke by fate, was haunting me. Since that night, every thought that passed through my mind was that scene we shared.

When you found me today and confronted me in the woods, I thought it was a sign that I had to repent for my sins. But the more we talked, the more I realized that you were here to help me. I tried to fight that idea, as my guilt would not let me be happy. I don't deserve to be happy; I could not protect Claire and I've killed to many people in the name of vengeance.

But the more we talked and the more we connected, I realized that you were my second chance at being happy. Ever since we met in the woods, the voices have been completely silent and the pain that usually racks my body has been extinguished. You were able to bring me a peace that I thought I would never experience again. You look so much like Claire, but I love you as Eleanor." He replied.

"You can call me Claire if you want or you can call me Eleanor. I don't care what my name is, call me whatever you want. All that matters is that you love me." She whispered before kissing him.

"No, you are not her replacement. You are completely unique and I love you in a completely unique way. Don't think you have to compare yourself to her. I love you for who you are, not who you resemble." He replied. They kissed for several more seconds before Eleanor ended it.

"I've never been with a man before. Will you be gentle?" She asked with a small but warm smile.

"Of course, I would rather die than cause you discomfort. But are you sure that you want your first time to be with a cancer-stricken serial killer?" He mused.

"Your crimes do not matter to me, and if your disease should claim your life, then I will end mine to be with you. You are all that matters to me." She whispered, burying her face in his chest.

"Eleanor..." He began.

"Please, I don't want to think about these things. I love you and you love me, let's enjoy the present, not worry about the future."

"We don't have to worry about anything, all we need is each other." Carter said, holding her tightly.

"I love you Carter, now please, take me." She murmured.

"Yes, my love." He whispered in her ear.

Eleanor looked up at him they began to kiss, pressing their lips against each other's over and over again in endless burning passion. Each sweet touch was like was like getting their souls massaged by each other's love and seemed to take away their loneliness and pain.

As they kissed, Eleanor pressed herself against Carter as tightly as possible, taking solace in his warm embrace, while Carter had his arms wrapped around her thin body, and was exploring her physical beauty with his hands. Eleanor's body was so familiar to Claire's, and yet it was entirely unique. Every gentle curve in her figure and smooth crease between her muscles seemed to tell her story, letting Carter looked deep into her life without her even having to speak.

It was difficult to tell who was enjoying the touching more. It had been so long since Carter had enjoyed the feel of a woman, it was a sweet nostalgia that was being reawakened with every second. For the first time in a long time, he was actually horny.

This being her first time being touched in such a way, Eleanor was ecstatic as well. She would hum and purr as he squeezed her breasts, shiver in arousal he ran his hands over her smooth rear, and squirm in excitement as he traced his fingers along her inner thighs.

As he reached down to hold her hands, he found the scars on her wrists from when she had cut herself. She could feel him stop and focus on the scars, and she responded by ending the kiss.

"Just some mementos from bad times." She murmured.

"Well you'll never have to do it again." He replied.

With a small smile, Carter brought up her hands and began kissing her wrists over and over, running his lips over the faint scars. Eleanor just lay there and purred, letting her arousal rise with every soft touch.

After a few minutes, Carter moved his hands to her shoulders and gently tugged on her nightgown. Eleanor smiled and sat up, pulling off the nightgown and revealing her bra and panties. Kissing her over and over again, Carter slowly reached behind her back and unfastened her bra, letting it slip down past her shoulders. Nervous but excited, Eleanor kept her arms crossed against her chest and was blushing all over.