Introduction

I'm writing this here, I think, to try to sort out why I am here.

I have always had a pretty high sex drive and for the most part i also found I could get it met one way or another. I've been partnered with the same man for over 10 years, 5 of them married and with 7 year old twins. I'm 40 years old this year and it is definitely "best of times, worst of times" for me in some ways!

So that is maybe why I am here. The best of times is that my role as a mother is exquisitely satisfying... I *love* my twins and love being a mother to them. I love my husband who has been on his own journey since we met in High School. He was a friend with my older brothers before he moved away. We got back in touch when I was around 30 and what can I say, I had his babies and we are married and, oh yeh, we bought our first house together this year in perhaps the worst market in my life! I love my work, and usually my job.

Now to the worst of times. My health has been a struggle since midway through my pregnancy. I really hoped that once we worked through the risk of premature birth (they ended up roughly 3 weeks early, but only after a lot of intervention to slow-roll my body's attempt to go into labor early!) and then the challenges of them being in the NICU or several weeks while I tried to breast feed them, etc. that I would bounce back. My mom and my aunt both had great/easy pregancies and recoveries, so I guess I thought I would too.

In any case, I felt I did all the right things but among other things, the baby weight I put on didn't come off easily, the stress of two careers and twins and really just "modern life" really slowed me down. I was in pretty near tip-top shape a couple of years before I got pregnant, working as personal trainer in a gym and sparring with professional kick-boxers for some extra cash. I ran nearly daily and kept my weight within a few pounds over ideal with a great BMI.

On top of that my husband has had his own issues which complicate things. He's a few years older but not enough to be "falling apart" ahead of me. He had minor (if that is possible) Traumatic Brain Injury just after the twins came home from the NICU and was unable to spend much time on his feet or outside of a dark room for over a month. He also has bad sleep apnea and now has developed some kind of what is a lot like "tennis elbow" but he and the docs cant figure out what started it or how to do more than relieve it temporarily.

I don't mind all that since it IS part of our growing older, but it also means we have not been particularly sexual since midway through my pregnancy. Jay was never terribly adventurous or clever sexually, but I'd had my years of that before we settled down together and I guess you could say I was happy enough with just some really good "comfort sex", Meat and Potatoes sex, "Mac and Cheese sex", "Pizza Sex" if you will. Pre babies, I was usually the one to initiate sex and that seemed to work for us, but as I got bigger with my pregnancy I began to feel the need for Jay to initiate more, which he simply didn't recognize. And during and after recovery I felt the same way. I'm sure this is a common story among my demographic, but it is the one I've been living. I know he still loves me and as long as I pick my moments I can get my "meat and potatoes sex" from him, but I simply have more needs now, and they are growing!

A good example of this is that while I was nursing the twins (for over a year) I was also pumping (especially while they were in the NICU, and then as I returned to work). And I was totally caught off guard by my hormonal response. I found myself totally turned on by when my babies would latch and then even moreso wehn my milk would drop. The pump wasn't as effective but it *did* provide roughly as much stimulation as I get when I resort to a vibrator (not really my thing, but better than nothing?). I almost wish sometimes that I had never quit pumping... just writing about it now makes my glands squinch. The point is that my husband Jay was put off by my nursing and in fact got the willies if I told him that it turned me on, or hinted that my recent pumping might be why I was trying to jump his bones! And as a corollary, unsurprisingly he isn't into (giving) oral sex... "too messy" he says.

Well, enough about all that. I'm now faced with a new challenge. With my marriage bed lacking and feeling somewhat low energy and unsexy most of the time, I get to compound it by starting to have feelings (or at least *ideas*) about my mother's partner of about 6 hears. To make it crazier, I hardly know him, we live nearly halfway across the country form one another, he has his own adult children and grandchildren to visit and so when my mom comes to visit, he is as often as not visiting one of them or staying home to "mind the homestead". Did I mention that he's a real self-made kinda guy, live off the land nearly, but also a braniac? My mother is definitely "sapiosexual" and she was totally smitten by him over his vocabulary and broad interests and capabilities! I didn't realize *I* was sapiosexual until my mom described it (and him) when they first started courting long-distance. She had moved from his are to mine to live in our basement and be nanny-granny for the first 2 1/2 years of their life. She spent 10 hour days with them 5 days a week for that time. And when she started corresponding (and visiting) Jake, I didn't know what to think. She had had only 2 partners previously, my own dad who she did not leave until we were all out of the house and she was in her 40s. And then a man nearly 10 years her senior who we all liked but ultimately had a lot of problems which lead him to be very dependent on her both financially and emotionally.

Anyway... i find myself thinking about Jake way too often, and when my mom talks about him, I get a pang of jealousy. He very rarely chats with me on the phone or by text but whenever he does I feel myself quiver and get a little moist. He is very kind and smart and when he does chat with me on txt or an e-mail he is very eloquent and considerate and funny. While I did have one "older partner" for a while before I got together with Jay, he was only about 10 years older (big deal when you are 20!) and Jake is one year younger than my mom, both in their mid-sixties.

They are coming to visit soon, maybe stay for more than a quick visit to re-bond with the twins, and to help us get the house we just bought this year up to our expectations. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle Jake being so close. I think maybe it will be a good thing and I will realize after spending time around him that it is just a "crush" and the in-person experience will not live up to the fantasies I have in my head.

I think maybe I will write a story here about how I *fantasize* it happening, maybe in the past tense, as if it has *already* happened. Then I'll get the pleasure of that without the guilt and before my fantasy gets deflated by reality? We'll see! I've never done anything like this before.