Irish Eyes

Sunday is not much better, but I finally convince myself that it's time to sit down with Ciara and have a serious talk. I know she is headed into finals, and I don't want to screw that up for her, so I make the decision that I will wait until she is done with her tests and then I will open this conversation. Until then, I need to hold myself in check. Either that moment would crush me, or I would be transformed into the happiest woman on the face of the earth.

Ciara has been texting me non-stop since yesterday. I've been playing the work card and telling her that I need to concentrate on getting this part of the project completed. She doesn't believe me, but I'm sticking to my story. For now, I must play the game as much for my own sanity as for anything else.

Monday

I check in with Anna after getting to work. She is more than generous with her time. She sees that I'm hurting, and she once again listens to my story. She lets me talk and cry - mostly cry, she's heard the story before and gives me the same advice. Talk to Ciara.

For the remainder of the day, and the week, I throw myself into my work. I put myself into the zone and I crank out code. I get in early; I work late. I text Ciara but find an excuse not to see her the following Sunday. She's then into finals and must buckle down herself to get thru the tests being thrown at her.

*****

December

*****

The Week Prior to Christmas

Ciara is done with her tests and I'm no longer able to hold things in. When not distracted with work, I'm falling apart. My emotions are all over the place. I miss my best friend and I want it to be so much more. I'm afraid she will reject me and I'll lose it all. I'm afraid that when I tell her she'll never want to see me again or talk with me again. I'm afraid that I'll never see her smile, the laughter in her eyes when she is happy.

I have no choice, and I know it. I text her on Thursday asking if we can get together that night. She hasn't worked at Danny's since the shooting. So, I ask if I can pick up some food and bring it by her place for dinner when I'm done at work. She doesn't hesitate to let me know that, yes, she would love to see me and have one of our girl nights.

The rest of the day, I'm distracted. I really do try to get some work done, but it's no use. My mind is constantly sorting thru what I'm going to say and what Ciara's reaction will be. I play out the scene over and over in my mind. But at the end of the day, I have no better idea on how this will play out than I did when I woke this morning.

I finally leave work and pickup Italian on my way to her place. Both of us love pasta as comfort food and I have a feeling I'm going to need comfort food tonight.

When I arrive at Ciara's place, I climb the stairs to her apartment. Each step taking more effort than the last step. By the time I reach her door, I feel as if there is a vice around my chest restricting my ability to breathe. The sense of dread is cloaked around me as my hand reaches out to open the door.

Ciara must have heard me as she is standing at the end of the small hall with a smile lighting up the space. That smile alone warms me and pushes back the harsh feelings that have clung to me the past couple of weeks. I step into her home, realizing that one way or another tonight will be a pivotal moment in my life.

I barely make it in and close the door when Ciara wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug. The worlds best hug.

"I've missed you Nat! Thanks for picking up dinner and coming over tonight."

"I've missed your too, C. How was the last test?"

"Brutal, Professor Alans study guide didn't cover half the material on the test. There was no way anyone did well on that test. It's a good thing that he uses a curve. I don't know why teachers do this, just write the test over material that we studied. It's not that hard. Wish I could say the situation is unique to him, but it seems like I get one of them every semester."

"Yeah, I remember those days and I'm glad I'm not having to deal with it anymore."

We make our way to the kitchen where C grabs the fine china. Paper plates anyone? And we dish out the food and eat our dinner. Thru dinner we talk about the end of the semester and where she thinks she is going to end up grade wise, as I share stories about the latest project that I'm working on.

Once dinner is done, we move to her couch and continue the conversation. I'm no longer able to delay this talk. It is time to confront my fears and time for Ciara to understand what she means to me.

"C, how you doing now? Recovery wise, where you at?"

"I'm doing ok. I'm not ready to go back downstairs and work yet - still things playing in my mind that make it uncomfortable. Luckily Danny and Andrea haven't even asked me to do that. At first getting back on campus I was a little skittish. Loud noises would trigger mini panic attacks. I think I'm over that now. The toughest part is sleeping. I keep having these images pop into my dreams, I can see the guy, but I can't see the guy. It's weird, especially knowing that it was the asshole that shot me. I still can't remember what happened. But I think I'm getting better. My therapist agrees, for whatever that's worth."

"C, I need to talk to you about something. It's a serious something, but I want to make sure you're ready for the conversation. I don't want to say or do anything that's going to hurt you. But this is a hard conversation for me."

"Nat, you can never hurt me. Period. I'll admit, I've been wondering what is going on in that head of yours. Your hightailing it out after Thanksgiving isn't like you. If there'd really been a work issue, you would have told me before Thanksgiving. But you didn't bring anything of the sort up until you were running out the door. Somethings up and if you don't come clean, I'll make it my mission to work it out of you."

"It's all related and I don't know where to start." I could feel my eyes starting to mist. The reality of having to tell her is hard. "I've had to really think thru how to talk to you about this."

"Start at the beginning, Nat. Let me in and tell me what's going on that has you so worked up. I can't help if I don't know what the problem is. You've become my best friend and I want to help you."

I blurt out, "C, I love you."

"I love you too, silly. Now out with it."

I'm starting to really cry now; the tears are flowing freely. It takes everything in me to whisper, "No, C. I love you. I've loved you since you bounced out the door downstairs to take my drink order the first time we met. I love the way you speak, the light Irish accent in your voice, the way your roll your R's. I love the sparkle in your eyes when you're happy. I love the dimples in your cheeks when you smile and laugh. I love the way your hair moves when you casually walk across the room. I love the determination you have when you're speaking about something you care about. I. Love. You! Not as your friend, I love you and want to be more than your friend, I want us to be 'us', as in a couple. I want to share everything with you. I want to be with you, today, tomorrow and forever. I've never met someone like you, and I need you in my life."

Ciara sat next to me, her mouth hanging open. Her eyes drilling into me. Her head tilted slightly to her side. She is studying me while she is processing what I've just said.

I continue on with my confession, "Ciara, I thought I could just be your friend, but I can't. I'm emotionally and physically drawn to you in ways I never thought possible. I think of you constantly. I wonder what your day is like, how your classes are going, whether you are in any pain because of the shooting. I wonder what you're having for lunch and dinner. I wonder if you've crawled into bed. I am drawn to you, and I need more than your friendship. I don't want to lose you, but not being love you the way that I want to is tearing me apart inside. I really don't want to lose you Ciara. I will take it slow; I just need to know it's possible. I need to know there is the chance for a you and I to be together."

"Nat, I don't know what to say. I'm not sure how to process this." She's not angry, but she has a confused look in her face.

"Don't process it C, just tell me what you are feeling. Have I ruined everything?"

"I love you too, Nat. But I don't know if I can be more than a friend. I've never considered getting into a relationship with another girl. I've always thought of myself as straight. I admit, I've never gotten as close to someone as quickly as the two of us became friends. It seemed like we met and things just clicked and I knew I could trust you."

"You can trust me. You can always trust me. I'm just asking for you to consider the possibility of taking it to the next step. That's all I want. I'm not asking you to strip naked and jump into bed with me. I just needed to tell you and let you know. And I need to know if you think there is anything there."

"Nat, this is not something I can just answer. My whole life I've thought I needed a boyfriend. I've never even considered the possibility that mister right is a miss. You're asking me to redefine who I've always been."

"No, no, that's not what I'm doing. I'm just asking you to think about it, to not shut the possibility out of your life that you and I could date, that I could be your girlfriend."

"Nat, this is crazy. Where is this coming from, you know I'm straight."

The air is pulled out of my lungs. The tears come quickly. I've screwed up. I'm losing my best friend, I'm losing the woman that I want to love.

"C, I've got to leave." As the tears pour from my soul, I stand and walk out her door. I've made a complete mess of things. I suck.

Ciara tries to stop me, but I'm a lost cause at this point. I've been rejected. I've lost my best friend, my confidant, my partner in crime. At some point, this may make sense, but not tonight.

Christmas

Whoa does today suck. I mean does it really suck. Christmas day is in the middle of the week, and since I'm new on the job, I don't have a lot of vacation time. I made the decision to stay put, thinking that I would drive home over the weekend to spend some time with my parents. But sitting home alone blows.

Ciara had tried to reach out to me several times, but I hadn't responded to any of her texts. Truth be told, I hadn't read any of the texts yet. The pain was real, it cut thru me and scarred me deeply. I had met my soul mate; we were compatible on so many levels. Yet it could never be, she was straight and could never love me the way that I loved her. Thinking of her was excruciating.

Anna had tried to console me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen. She had actually invited me to her place to spend the day. I had politely refused. Apparently, I had made the executive decision that wallowing in self-pity was the proper way to spend Christmas.

Staring out the windows of my apartment, I watched a light snow fall from the sky. It was beautiful, but I was too distracted to really appreciate the picture being painted for me.

I call my parents and talk with them for about an hour. Anna calls later in the day to check up on me. I feign that all is good in the world, I don't think I've fooled anyone.

New Year's Eve

I had spent the weekend at my folks. Mom had provided the shoulder as I cried. Ok, most of the crying was over by the time I got home. But there were still a few tears bottled up inside that would only be released in the presence of Mom and Dad. They did what every loving parent would do, they listened to me, they consoled me, they told me I was loved, they reassured me it wasn't the end of the world and that I would find someone to share my life with. I can't say I'm back to normal, but I feel like I have a compass pointing me in the right direction again.

The office is closed for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, so I have a couple of days to get thru and then I can throw myself into work and try and put all of this behind me.

Even though the temps are cold, I force myself out for a run after I wake up. The cold air is surprisingly refreshing, and I run a little longer than I had originally planned. I chew up the sidewalk underneath my feet and each movement seems to shed a little of the weight off my shoulders. While cold, the sun is shining bright, and it seems to lift me. To wash the burdens off me and to cleanse me.

I'm breathing hard as I take the last corner and slow down to walk and do a mini cool down at the end of my run. As I'm approaching the door, I see her standing in the doorway to the apartment building. She is looking straight at me, there is no way I am going to escape her. The smile on my face fades as I watch her, watching me. The pain begins to build again, that sharp knife digging into my gut.

"Nat, we need to talk."

"Ciara, can we not do this. I got the message; you don't want me. You don't look at me that way. I'm trying to move on with my life. We don't need to talk about this. I get it."

"No, you don't get it. Would you lower the freakin walls for a moment and let me talk? Last time you did all the talking. I need to have my turn. Damnit, Nat, you don't get to treat me like this. If I'm as important as you said the other night, I at least get a turn to tell you a few things."

I move past her to the door, "Fine, lets at least get out of the cold."

Taking the stairs, there is a stoney silence. My mind is in a tailspin again, heading to dark places. Just when I thought it was safe to start piecing my life back together, she was there. So not what I needed right now. I had convinced myself that I was starting to breathe again, just to be slapped in the face and shown that I was still vulnerable. The universe is a cruel mistress.

I open the door to my place and let us both in. She moves towards the couch and flops down in her usual spot. I wasn't in the mood to be accommodating, after taking off my running jacket. I slide into one of the chairs across from the couch.

"Ok, what is it you need to say." My eyes darting everywhere but to her.

"Well, for starters, how dare you. How dare you start that conversation and then leave without letting me answer. How dare you have that conversation and then not allow me to talk to you about what I'm feeling. How dare you not respond to me when I tried to text you or call you. Nat, you became my best friend when I moved here. I have shared everything with you. You probably saved my life after I got shot. Without you around, nobody would have been there and there's a good chance I could have bled out on the floor. I have shared everything with you. You drop that on me and then you walk out and won't even allow me to try to talk to you about it. That's not right!"

"Ciara, what's there to talk about. You made it quite clear, you're straight. I get it, you don't see yourself in a relationship with me. You don't want me the way that I need you."

"Damn, would you quit being so stubborn! That's a lot you dropped on me that night. Answer this, how long did it take you to figure out your sexuality? How long before you admitted it to someone? How long before you were able to tell your friends?"

Uh, oh, truth bomb. She's not playing fair. Suddenly the world is tilting a little bit and I'm a little unsure of where she is taking this conversation.

"Natalia Giordano, just who do you think you are telling me how you feel about me, telling me that you love me, and then not giving me time to process that and figure out what it means to me! You drop that on me and then shut me out. Did you really think you were going to tell me that and I was immediately going to change who I was? Did you take any time to think thru what you did to me, or was this about you?"

I sheepishly reply, "I was hurting C, I had this bottled up for so long, I saw the look in your eyes, and I saw that you didn't want me. I knew you were rejecting me, and I had to leave. I've been a complete mess the last couple of weeks. I can't help the way I feel about you."

"If you'll keep quiet for a few minutes, I'd like to tell you what my last couple of weeks have been like."

She is staring at me, that fierce look in her eyes and I'm extremely uncomfortable. I can't tell what her next move is going to be, whether she wants to hurt me or hug me. But the expression on her face is stern, fierce. She's right though, damnit! She deserves this chance to tell me her side of the story. I'd walked out once I saw that look in her eyes and never gave her a chance. I owe her the decency to listen to her, no matter how much it is going to hurt.

I nod my head and softly acknowledge her, "Go ahead C, you're right."

"Your damn right I'm right."

Queue the dramatic pause. As I watch her, I see the internal struggle. She is nervous, she is angry. But she is doing everything she can to keep herself composed for the coming conversation.

She begins, "Natalia, you are the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I have not had a lot of luck in the friends department and my boyfriends have all treated me like shite. Hence the two wounds in my body. My parents have warned me along the way, but I always know better. A lot of good that's done for me. I have very few friends because I've learned along the way not to trust people - because I usually end up getting hurt. My boyfriends have been abusive - either mentally or physically. The last one did a number on me. First verbally, undermining me every chance he got. Getting between me and my girlfriends. Cheating on me. And finally, by shooting me - twice."

She stands and begins to pace as she is talking. "The boyfriend prior to that broke my arm. I haven't dated since moving out here because I'm done with all of it. I can't take another man hurting me. I must break the cycle before something worse happens to me. My parents were right all along, and I should have listened to them years ago when they began to warn me."

She stops right in front of me and looks down at me, "Natalia, you have been my rock since I moved out here. I had forgotten what having a good friend means to me. I trusted you. I grew close to you. And because of your little stunt two weeks ago, I've lost my confidant, my best friend. There is a hole in my life I haven't been able to fill."

I look up at her, tears starting to stream down my face.

"Without knowing it, you gave me room to become me again. Not once since we started hanging out have, I felt threatened, ok, scratch that, while I don't remember getting shot, I'm pretty sure I felt threatened when that asshole pointed the gun at me. But you, you make me feel safe. Without saying a word, you have given me permission to live again. I know Danny and Andrea were worried about me when I moved to town. But once they saw me with you, they told me that their fears evaporated."

"The last couple of weeks, I've been struggling. Fighting demons that are personal and cultural. I was thrown into the deep end of the pool. Your words slapped me upside the head and forced me to answer some very personal questions that I think I'd been hiding from. I assumed my parents would disown me if admitted the truth. I assumed Danny and Andrea would kick me out and never speak to me again. My life turned into a hurricane of truths that I wasn't ready to process. All because of you, Natalia. All because of the questions you asked me that night."

I looked away from her, afraid of this conversation. Afraid of the words she spoke.

"My mom was the one who finally broke thru to me. I had flown home for Christmas, and she knew something was wrong. I'm sure Andrea told her I'd been crying nonstop since that night. I didn't fly out until that Sunday, and she and Danny had seen me. They both new I was fighting something, but I was too stubborn to tell them. Hell, I was too afraid to talk to them."